Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

getting a diagnosis can bring up a lot of things. It's good to have an answer, and it can show how things need to go or can be changed.  It may seem like a lot, but remember to take it at a comfortable pace. Now that you know, it can even help determine the pace of processing. Gentle hugs if you want them, we're here for you.

[Blueberry]

I've only just read about your diagnosis, rainy. Sending support and care. I hope that in time having the diagnosis will seem and be helpful to you. I guess the way for most of us on here - I think - finally having the cptsd diagnosis is or becomes helpful. 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.
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CF, I appreciate your words.  I think I am trying to understand how to best support myself moving forward and I'm not entirely sure.  So I get impatient with myself - I appreciate the reminder to take it at a pace that feels right.
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BB, thank you.  I hope to identify how the diagnosis shows up for me and how to support myself differently moving forward.  I also feel this deep wish that the world was different and more understanding of how hard so many things are for me even if I have "seemed fine" up until now.  I am frustrated because I am better understanding how much I have struggled and how I've tried to hide that.
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My worry about returning to work is increasing.  I am noticing a pattern as a break from work winds down - I start to be convinced an ache or discomfort in my body is something deeply serious.  There is always the possibility that could be the case...but symptoms showing up over night? 

I found more balance today.  I decided I still want to play the game on my Switch but don't want to engage in online community with it.  I saw a post yesterday that made me feel like I am "playing wrong" and I got really upset with myself.  I have been pushing myself too much with the game I've been playing and been ignoring my body signals to take a break.  I didn't do that today.

I also read more today for pleasure than I have been.  I am re-reading the Harry Potter books.  These books bring up a lot of conflict for me because the author has caused so much harm.  I also continue to have meaningful reactions and engagement with the books - certain scenes in particular really catch me.  I think they offer me a way to get in touch with feelings I don't really know to express.

I am hoping to somewhat enjoy the next several days but also feel like I could acknowledge that it isn't going to be easy.  These complicated feelings about going back to work are coming up and I would rather not pretend like they aren't. 

[CrackedIce]

Totally with you there on hobbies getting in the way a bit - until recently I had a podcast about board games, which shifted a lot of my time and energy (and money!) into making sure I was always playing something new and had something to talk about by the time we did our next recording.  We've since stopped the podcast, and while I miss a bit of the creativity I'm able to pace myself and enjoy the hobby much more than I was the last few years.  I'm the same with video games - I generally avoid playing online with friends or MMO type games as I tend to get too stressed about performance.

Do you have any allies at work you could reach out to in advance of your return?  If possible it might be good to have a small conversation with one or two people, get them primed with info, and then when you get there you'll have them in your corner without having to explain anything to anyone first.

Hope you have a good new years!

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I'm glad you're reading those books - and it's interesting to hear that they are enabling you to get in touch with some feelings that you don't know how to express - I love the fact that literature can enable that. 

I hope that you have some more nice times in your break, and I would like to wish you the best for 2023, and hope it will be a year that brings some nice things.

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

CrackedIce, I appreciate the understanding.  My hobby is starting to feel like another job which is not what it's meant to be.  I struggle with leisure because I was not taught leisure growing up nor does our culture really support rest and relaxation.  Thank you for the suggestion about work - I've had some talks with folks unrelated specifically to my workplace that have been supportive.
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Hope, I love reading because I come across so many things that I love to think about and that help me express myself more.  I appreciate your support and care.
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I think this may be the last entry in this particular journal. 

I've had an ok past few days.  Parts of my brain are trying to worry about work and other parts are realizing I am more reactive about things than I want to be.  Knowing that I am autistic and that CPTSD is part of me help me understand why so many things have been the way they have been.  It isn't me being defective but it is me not having had the support and Carr I've needed all along.

I am slowly reading a book called Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown.  Each sentence feels so packed with meaning and I struggle to move through it because every sentence feels important.  So far what I am being reminded of as I read is to listen deeply and to find my own way based on what makes sense to me.

[Snowdrop]