Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

I meant to write about this as it is really embarrassing.

I received a weird text I didn't recognize today.  I thought it might be related to something I ordered so I clicked on the link.

Right away I realized it was a spam text.  I felt so ridiculous.  I know better than clicking on things I don't recognize.  I don't think I did anything damaging but I am a bit worried.

Even though I don't want to, I will probably tell my husband just to ease my mind.   I am surprised that I am not freaking out more than I would have in the past for making this mistake.  I am definitely upset and have been thinking on it more than I should, but at this point all I can do is keep my eyes open for weird things going on with my phone. 

[rainydiary]

My particular combination of anxiety and depression are really trying to get my attention.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep.  Tons of memories of miscommunication and misconnection came to mind. 

It's interesting how I convince myself something isn't bothering me or that I am "over" a past event.  A change in life puts those things into different focus and emotions come up.

I generally feel like I haven't belonged anywhere and it is lonely and sad.  I don't think it is exactly true either.  I hope today can be a combination of rest and exploration.

[Armee]

Hey Rainy. Be easy on yourself. We all make mistakes like that.

[Armee]

Congratulations on the job offer, Rainy!

A new job and a move is very anxiety provoking! You are handling things really well. How's your husband feeling about the move at this point?

[Blueberry]

I clicked on the pdf of a spam email just a few days ago, mistaking it for some real business thing. It's 'nice' for me to be able to agree with Armee that we all do things like that sometimes! Please go easy on yourself about it anyway, rainydiary.

I appreciate you saying that you convince yourself that you're over a past event and then the connected emotions come up again. That certainly rings a bell with me. I don't want to feel into it rn but I think I used to do that too. Maybe still do just not so intensively as previously.

I hope you got the rest you needed today and if right for you that you got further in your exploration too.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the reminder of gentleness.  In my last job we did a lot of training about spotting spam as folks would get viruses on their computers.  I realize now that my outer critic always kind of made "those folks" a joke when really it is something that can happen to anyone including me.

My husband seems ok - nothing has really changed for us yet so we'll see when we get to change.  A difference in this move versus the past is that I will have a steady job.  That has been a difficult point that led to issues in past moves.  I don't think we can physically move by the my job starts so this may be a really long process of moving.
.....

Blueberry, I appreciate the solidarity about clicking on something unexpected.  I haven't noticed any weird things but hypervigilance often tried to convince me otherwise.  I appreciate your support and reminder that we change over time.  Just this week I was realizing that as I start a new job I have so much more experience that I can call on.
........

This day has been draining.

I decided to get a start on some of the tasks I need to do for my new job that require someone else to complete something (such as mailing a transcript or filling out a form).  I wanted to do this because the district requires so many things to be sent in the mail and that can be a slow process. 

I got really overwhelmed doing that because it forced me to think about things I haven't thought of in a while.  It is also difficult for me the level of background checks and proof of professional stuff I have to do - my trauma brain takes it really personal and I feel "in trouble." 

I haven't felt well today because of PMS and have tried to rest.  My husband and I watched two movies that were basically about trauma.  Watching those drained me.  My husband has also had some persistent hiccups and the sound is annoying the heck out of me.  I feel so petty feeling that way for something that is not his fault - it just triggers me.

I hope to fall asleep easier tonight.  My before bed anxiety is tough during PMS in a regular time and this is not a regular time.  I am wondering if I can bring joy to this experience.  I really am excited to move and I hope that it ends up being positive in the end. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

Congrats on the job offer and the ability to get that position in a place you feel positive about. It shows a lot about your strengths and capabilities no matter what your inner critic might say. Moving is never easy but wishing you to find a way to do it step by step. Maybe moving in small amounts could even be beneficial.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

sending some sunny vibes your way !   

[Not Alone]

I'm leaving for work soon, but just wanted you to know that I'm in your corner.

BTW, Last week, I would have clicked on a spam at work, but I just heard my co-worker on a conference call talking about that issue. I also have opened sites that caused problems. Many if not most people have done that. As my T would say, you are allowed to be human.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your words.  I am trying to feel and believe that I am a capable person and that came through enough to get a new job.  The person that offered me a job said they were impressed and really excited for me to join them.  My inner critic is putting up a fight about that.
.....
Thanks Larry - I am also sending you what you need right now.
.....
Not Alone, thank you.  I'm glad to be reminded I am not the only one that would click a weird link.  I am still being a bit hard on myself for what happened yet am fortunate it seems to have been ok. 
........

I am feeling worn down today.  I realized that I am really struggling to trust in myself as well as my husband as we prepare to make changes in our life.  I am trying to keep in mind that the past won't necessarily repeat itself, but it is exhausting.

Over the weekend it became clear my husband's hiccups were related to acid reflux.  He gets that from time to time especially when he is really stressed.  The hiccups came to be a physical manifestation of anxiety for me.  They woke me up one night and my mind started freaking out and judging him.  It really pushed me back to the past specifically that time when we had moved and I wrecked our car and we had such a miserable time. 

What surprised me over the weekend is that he took some steps to care for himself.  I also remembered that when I wasn't feeling well growing up, my family was often really mean and harsh about it.  So I was being harsh toward him in my mind.  I also wanted to help and there was nothing I could do really which made me feel lousy. 

Today he did talk to me about how worn down he is from his job.  I appreciate that he is hanging in there while we make our move and then hopefully once we are more stable he can find something that suits him better.  This was a positive conversation. 

I worked on tasks for the HR people at my new job this morning.  There are some paperwork items they want me to do that would require me to physically bring documents to them.  I'm happy to do that but currently live 1300 miles away.  I am waiting to go up until I have a contract but a contract might not be issued if I don't take these documents.  I am still waiting to hear from the person of what they want me to do.  And trying to not freak out that I am "being difficult" when it is just a fact I live far away. 

I did have a win today where I called a company to downgrade my membership.  Of course they try to use guilt to get me to not make the change but I stayed firm. 

I am trying to take things a little at a time. 

[Not Alone]

I worked on tasks for the HR people at my new job this morning.  There are some paperwork items they want me to do that would require me to physically bring documents to them.  I'm happy to do that but currently live 1300 miles away.  I am waiting to go up until I have a contract but a contract might not be issued if I don't take these documents.  I am still waiting to hear from the person of what they want me to do.  And trying to not freak out that I am "being difficult" when it is just a fact I live far away. 

I doubt that anyone thinks you are being difficult and certainly are not expecting you to travel 1300 miles to hand deliver documents. I'm guessing that they are just trying to figure out the best solution. Remember, they want you.

[Armee]

100% what Not Alone said. And I understand feeling that way too. We just second guess ourselves all the time. But yes THEY want YOU!

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

1300 miles is excessive! Surely they must have a work around for people who live so far away. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding and they thought you lived closer.

I understand how overwhelming it can feel to have things to do. I think it also might affect us differently and there's some sort of block for getting things done? At least for me.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you for this reminder and suggestion they are working out a plan.  I imagine there is more to the story than I am aware.
.....
Armee, thank you for the reminder that I am wanted. 
.....
Dolly, I was assuming that they had a process for people that live far away.  I also tend to be very literal and there is often leeway that I am not aware of.  I think I am somewhat trying to generate stress to get back to the baseline of anxiety with work stuff that I am used to. 
.......
I still haven't heard from the HR lady.  There may be a good reason for it.  I will call her if I don't hear anything tomorrow.  Their school board has to "approve" my hire and they may have had a meeting today so maybe the HR lady was waiting for that. 

Today I completed some training videos about policies and procedures.  The topics of these videos (harassment, blood borne pathogens, bullying, child abuse, etc) is often very triggering and this time was no exception.  It is triggering because of my personal experience with abuse and bullying, but also because the way the information is presented frustrates me. 

Of late my husband has been very responsive.  I told him about the videos I was watching and he said, "That sounds traumatic."  And he has expressed wanting to help cook dinner more and he's been taking more initiative.  It makes me feel supported.  It is also new and makes me a little on edge.

I think things are moving in the direction they should. 

[rainydiary]

I am feeling really sad today and like I am trying to grasp at something I cannot understand.

This process of starting a new job and moving somewhere new is bringing up a lot of stuff.

I love to learn new things yet often new things I learn become weapons I use against myself.  "I should have known better, I really messed that up, Wow I shouldn't have done that, No wonder I don't belong."

I have so many visuals and partial pictures coming up in my mind of past misunderstandings, mistakes, misattunement.  I am so afraid of the past repeating itself.

I have done all I can on my side to provide the new HR people the information they've asked for.  I am confused by the process and I know I can ask questions.  Yet I am second guessing myself.  I often misunderstand things and take things (or my understanding of things) extremely literally.

I just relistened to the voicemail I got from the person who will be one of my bosses and reread the letter I signed for HR.  The timeframe the boss offered is tentative and I don't think I will be "in trouble" with HR for not being able to do some of their tasks from here.  I think that if I wait and give all of the things set in motion time to settle, I will be ok. 

My biggest sadness comes from how out of tune I feel with other people.  I try so hard and have always been a bit off.  I judge myself for this.  I think there are wounds within this feeling to be healed as well as a lack of perspective.  Over the past two years I've had interactions with people from my past that taught me that I meant more to people than I let myself believe and that they do like me. 

All I want moving forward is to actually enjoy my life as much as I can.