Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

dang, rainy, i hate non-supportive colleagues!     they do nothing helpful for the community in which you all work, and they sabotage all the good and important work of others around them.  plus they spew poison at the parents who would otherwise support you and recognize the importance of what you're doing w/ their children. this is not on you by any means, even tho i totally get how it makes you want to stop being there and around that kind of neg. intrusion. 

all kinds of support for you, rainy, coming your way, as well as love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your reaction.  I am taking the poisonous comments of that colleague so to heart and am struggling today.  I appreciate your support.
.........
I slept relatively better last night than I have in several days but still feel sick.  So I am at home again.  My ICr is giving me trouble today.

I checked my email last night when entering my absence for today and wish I hadn't.  Sometimes documents I write as part of a team are reviewed.  I looked at the suggestions the colleague made for my sections and it really upset me.  I wish I hadn't looked but also wanted to know what was in store for me when I finally feel well enough to work.

I am feeling so low about myself today.  A lot of it is related to being sick.  I am reflecting on how lonely illness can be.  I am also being hard on myself and comparing myself to people living with chronic illness. 

Mostly I just never felt supported when sick growing up.  I was pushed to go to school even when sick.  I was made to feel like being sick was somehow my fault.  So I am sitting here giving myself a hard time. 

And also feeling frustrated at the numerous sick children I have interacted with in the past several months which no doubt led me to where I am right now.  I think that many families at my schools do not have the option of keeping their kids home when they are sick.  I was starting to imagine what it would be like to be taught as a child that a temporary illness is a sign the body needs rest and care and to have support to give oneself that. 

I am fortunate that I can take sick days and be at home.  But I feel this pressure that I am letting people down.  I also feel this knowledge (given that I have left jobs and have seen former colleagues move on in my absence) that there is nothing inherently important about me.  This last comment isn't a dig at myself - just acknowledging that within the context of an organization I am "replaceable."  I don't think I matter so little to the kids I work with, but to my adult colleagues I do.

Sheesh.  I hope I feel better soon as I am not feeling very kindly to myself.  Also upset that my husband and I will miss a comedy show that we had planned several months ago.  And also feeling stressed that he will be leaving this weekend to spend a week with his family.

[Armee]

Hey. Hugs?



I hope you feel better soon and I'm glad you are resting and caring for yourself.

I know you acknowledged this in your post...but you are not replaceable to the people who matter...the kids. The adults are just trying to do their jobs without actually caring about what matters underneath the tasks or the people underneath the tasks. You actually care about the kids and are skilled with them. That is worth a lot. I'm sorry you can't freely give that gift without the pain and suffering to yourself. That's a loss to all.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee. 
.........
I am the vet waiting for my cat.  They do curbside appointments.  Part of me hates it because I can't see her and I don't know exactly what they are doing.  But also being with her during checkups is often stressful and this way eliminates some stress.  I hope they don't find anything big that needs to be addressed right now.

This is my first time out of the house since Monday.  I am feeling more like myself.  Not 100% but way better than I was.

I plan to go to work tomorrow and try to get done what I can.  This month is weird with a lot of days off and half days for parent teacher conferences.  It makes deadlines for me tighter. 

I was reflecting today that while sick I wasn't able to do many of the things that help me feel good which may account for the increase in anxiety and depression I experienced over the past several days. 

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

I hope your health continues to improve. I'm glad to hear you were able to get out of the house today.  Good luck with all your parental interactions this week.

[Not Alone]

I can't come up with good words right now. Just want you to know that I am for you.

[CactusFlower]

Also here for you with a gentle hug if you want one. Wishing you strength and more energy.

[rainydiary]

PC, thank you - I appreciate you checking in and providing encouragement.
......
Not Alone, I resonate with that and appreciate the support.
......
CF, I appreciate the hug.
........
I returned to work today and knew it would be a lot.  It was.  It wasn't the worst day ever, but a lot to take in one day.

Last night was the first night I slept without feeling a head full of mucous.  It was hard to get up today.  I think one more day at home would have been good but I felt better enough and had some appointments it felt important to keep.

I started off my day taking care of a lot of administrative things that just take energy but aren't necessarily hard.  Just annoying.

Today I received a lot of feedback and it was hard on my heart today.  What is hard for others to understand is how relentlessly my parents criticized me and left me feeling so inept.  So when I get feedback at work I often don't take it well even if I appreciate the information.

My first student meeting of the day was awkward.  As I was walking by the classroom of the student, I saw him and his teacher in a power struggle.  He was trying to lift a chair and probably hit someone with it (which is not ok).  He finally set it down and then he hit her (which is also not ok).

I wasn't sure if he was going to be available for a session so I went into the class to check.  His teacher was basically like "get him out of here" and the looks on the faces of all the other students was heartbreaking.  This is traumatic for everyone on so many levels.

This student is identified with having an emotional disability.  I don't really understand what that means but usually interpret it to mean the student has some form of mental illness.

This student does challenge me but he and I have good sessions because I am able to give him space to make decisions for himself and regulate his nervous system.  It doesn't mean our sessions are perfect because they aren't. 

I tried to give him opportunity to share about what was going on this morning.  His nose was running and I had a guess he probably isn't feeling very well.  He did say he isn't feel well.  And then he did bring up that he was having trouble logging into his computer.  That clicked as he had tried to bring his computer with us to the session and I had said no. 

We ended up going back to his class and logging into his computer.  I taught him a trick he could use to double check his password.  While we were working he broke out into a sweat and said "Why are my hands wet?"  I was worried he was sick so we went to the nurse.  His temperature was a bit low but not something she could send him home for.

So we went back to class.  I told his teacher he worked hard for me which I worried I felt was gaslighting her.  So later I sent her an email which I worry now was too much.  I tried sharing what I learned today but wish I hadn't said anything.

No one's behavior is ok in this - I'm not even sure mine is.  The rest of the day was just weird from there.  I am wrung out.

[Blueberry]

  So much of your thoughts and worries while you are working remind me of my own struggles. I also was criticised in the wrong way and far too much by my parents and one sib. I think there's a connection between the criticism then and what goes on in my head when I'm doing most things. It sounds similar for you.

Your day sounds really strenuous. I hope you can get some good rest now however that is best for you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you, BB.  I am glad to have others that understand what unwarranted criticism can do to a person.  I am doing my best to rest yet notice my thoughts running a bit so will try to get them out here.
..........
My husband left today for his hometown.  I am glad for some time on my own but also struggle when he goes there.  Everything his parents, most specifically his (s)mother (feeling angry and needed to take that jab at her), do is to try to convince him to "come home."  I wondered today what/where he considers to be his home.

I am still pretty unsettled about my day yesterday.  I am unraveling a lot these days and trying hard with relationships but it is difficult and often discouraging.

The part of the day yesterday that hurt me the most was my boss essentially told me I talked too much during the observation she did.  I did talk a lot (mostly because of nerves) and feel so foolish.  I often notice others talking too much and not giving my students space to speak.......and then I go and do it too.  So I feel mad at myself for judging others for something I do too.

[rainydiary]

Reflecting today that I am deeply angry.  I am really angry at other people.  And probably at myself too. 

I think I need to observe this a lot and be mindful around others. 

[sanmagic7]

to my mind, rainy, realization of something is the first step to making change - whether that's change in self or change in perspective.  i hope you can get that anger out so as not to hurt yourself w/ it. 

your work situation is so exhausting, i can only imagine what it must be like for you to be living thru it.  i'm just glad you can get some of that out here. 

glad you're feeling somewhat better.  whew!  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I appreciate the support.  I appreciate the reminder of stepping lightly so the anger doesn't hurt me.  Work continues to be something - it is exhausting.
..........
Today has been weird and this post will probably go all over.

The best thing I did for myself today was make an intake appointment with the provider than offers autism evaluations.  The appointment will be on a video call which is fine - I didn't want to make a 4 hour round trip drive for a 1 hour appointment.

Yesterday I reached out on Facebook to a group of people in my profession for ideas on building relationships with teachers.  I wish I hadn't though because generally the suggestions weren't helpful (sorry, I am not bringing other adults treats so that they will be nice to me).  Whenever I make posts like this I realize that I am putting too much on myself - forming relationships is a multi person job and I can't do it all on my own.

The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was how deeply I slept.  Then my brain starts dragging up the last job I left last year that ended in such a blaze.  I still want to understand and feel like there is an explanation that will make all that make sense.  It still hurts.

Work today was mostly fine - just too many ongoing and ever changing demands.  It is always like that in this work but I'm especially sick of it today.  The students were great as always, the adults exhausting.

I got home from work and realized an internet issue I was having this morning wasn't resolved.  I tried all the things I know to do but ended up having to call as a message came up on my laptop that my household violated our terms of use and our internet was set to be terminated.  After being on the phone for like an hour and calling 4 different people it was finally fixed.  The whole situation sound made up and I was told a lot of stuff that didn't make sense.  My favorite was the last person that I talked to that finally resolved my issue - their script had them say something like "Thank you for being delightful."  Lol.  I don't think I was delightful.  I was proud of myself for handling but also wish I hadn't had that in my plate today.

There are a lot of other small worries but I am going to try to set them aside so I can prepare for bed.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling a bit after this day.  I felt so vulnerable earlier and have this weird feeling now.  I wonder if I was a bit triggered/activated earlier and now my thinking brain is back. 

I had a weird interaction the other day I am realizing bothered me more than I thought at the time.

One of my husband's aunts messaged me the other day.  I haven't spoken to her in years so getting the message was kind of weird.  She sent me a video of her great grandchild interacting with a cat.  Perhaps nothing in it but.........the timing is weird. 

I can't help but feel it is deliberate.  My husband is in his hometown - I think that is where she lives now too but I'm not sure.  His family has this habit of trying to pull me in when I don't "act right."  I'm sure they will just say "oh we miss Rainy."  Uh......no you don't.  You don't know me.  You just don't know what to do with someone that opts out.

[rainydiary]

I'm not sure if I reflected on this here but the other day I made the connection of how important the house we used to own was to me.  It was having that space that was our own where I think I finally felt safe to finally face my past.  I miss that home very much.

I'm not sorry we left that state and sold that place though.  I didn't feel like that city and state were my home.  I feel more at home where I am and will feel even more at home when we are able to buy our own home again.

My husband messaged me that he is coming home a day earlier than planned.  I find that so intriguing.  He is never very communicative whether in the same room or across the country but he has been more communicative this time around.

He and I have a lot of individual and collective issues but I am appreciating that he is growing and adjusting when I actually communicate legitimate needs.  I can continue to work on defining and expressing that.