Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

I resonated with a place no longer feeling like "home". Sometimes a change of location AND energy is needed. gentle hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with CF, rainy - some places just feel more like home than others.  actually, for me, the road always felt like home.  i love road trips, have taken quite a few in my life, alone and w/ others, and i've always felt safe there, free to be me, beholden to no one else (when i was alone).  i miss having my car, miss not being able to drive.  funny, how home can mean different things to different people.

i do hope you are able to get into a real home sooner than later, and it feels right and comfortable.   and loads of luck w/ work.  i know this is an ongoing issue for you, and i wish it would go away and let you do your job in peace.  those kids respond so well to you.  ugh!  so frustrating!  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

Thank you, CF - I think the last place I lived was like a waiting room.  It was where I needed to be to face myself.  But it never felt like where I wanted to be for always.  I welcome hugs.
.....
Thank you San - I have enjoyed road trips too.  My feelings of responsibility to my cat make them complicated these days.  I am feeling a desire to travel more but the energy required to show up at work these days takes everything I have.  I appreciate your support.
..........
I am feeling calm today although I have worries.

My current worry is a weird email I got on Thursday at work.  I had notified a supervisor of a deadline I would miss because I had received paperwork the day of the deadline.  She asked me where the breakdown was in receiving the paperwork in a more timely fashion - I didn't know.  She emailed me later in the week to say that the breakdown was not her office's fault.  I feel like she sent that to cover the district's bottom and it makes me mad she sent it. 

Generally I feel worried because the next month is going to be a lot.  A lot of meetings I don't want to do.  I will do my best.  The month will go by quickly and a new year will be here soon.

Thinking about the difference having my own home made in my life has been interesting.  It makes me realize how difficult growing up in a military family was.  My family already had difficulty which all the transitions made worse.  It makes sense to me that once I felt safe my brain started to say "let's address these things you've worked hard to ignore." 

I think I generally don't feel like I am running away from myself anymore.  Even when facing difficulties, I stay with it rather than bury it.  I am deeply uncomfortable these days and not always ok.  But I feel like the edges of me are becoming more defined - I am becoming more myself than I ever have been. 

I am tired.  My sleep schedule got thrown off with the time change.  I live much further north than I have for a long time and the darkness is impacting me.  I'm trying to embrace this as a time to move inward and be reflective but the darkness is taking a toll.

I started reading a book called Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.  The character strikes me as a person living with CPTSD.  I am intrigued by the book so far although worry it might be a heavy read in ways I can't explain. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i can relate to the time/light-dark changes.  i'm much farther north now, too, than mexico, and it just sort of knocks me off my inner timing somehow.  this autumn time change isn't too bad for me, but the spring change can put me out of whack for a week.  just letting you know you're not alone w/ this kind of thing.

congratulations on being able to stay w/ yourself and what's going on w/in you, emotionally speaking.  i'm still finding that difficult to do, so i'm really glad to hear when others find a way to do that.   

i didn't like the tone of that email, either.  CYA, is what it sounds like to me.  you have a right to be mad about that.  it just sounds shady.  so sorry you have to continually put out these fires at work.  you don't deserve that.  love and a hug full of support for the coming tough times.

[milkandhoney11]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your home, Rainy. I know what it feels like not to have a place to come to that feels comfortable and safe. Last year I was living in a house that was in a very bad condition (the oven wasn't working, the carpets were terribly stained, everything smelled, and sometimes it rained from the ceilings) and it was a horrible time. Even when at home I could never feel relax or settle down because I was constantly feeling uncomfortable and it greatly aggravated my anxiety and depression.
So, I'll keep my fingers crossed that the situation will improve soon. You certainly deserve a place where you can feel peaceful and at home. Maybe this will also help you relax after work and take your mind off all the worries you are experiencing with your colleagues. Constantly having to worry how you are perceived at work is very difficult and I really feel for you! Other people don't always realise what tense emotions and toxic shame an email like this can cause in someone with CPTSD but it's good to hear you are more able to face things like this head on without running away. Well done! That's not an easy thing to achieve!
I wish I was a little more like you because I have so many issues at the moment and I just feel like hiding in my room all day...

[Not Alone]

Understand feeling upset that the district's email was about being defensive instead of supportive and helpful. I'm sorry they weren't supportive.

[Hope67]

I think I generally don't feel like I am running away from myself anymore.  Even when facing difficulties, I stay with it rather than bury it.  I am deeply uncomfortable these days and not always ok.  But I feel like the edges of me are becoming more defined - I am becoming more myself than I ever have been. 

Hi Rainy,
This is really great that you've noticed these things - it sounds really good. 

I have also read the book about Eleanor Oliphant, and I thought it was a really nice book to read, and I remember I did take some notes, which means that I related to things that were said in the book.  I hope you enjoy it and get things from it that are helpful/enjoyable.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I loved opening my journal today and seeing responses - I am a bit low on energy but want to respond some:

San, I appreciate the understanding of the darkness and shady colleagues.  I'll write more on that below. 
.....
Milkandhoney, I appreciate you sharing with me and I appreciate your understanding especially of a home that doesn't feel right.  I honestly want to stay in my home all the time - if it wasn't for work, I wouldn't leave my house much.  I am still trying to understand so much about myself and also accept myself.  I am here walking the path with you.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate the validation that this is weird.  I don't feel supported and that is heavy for a lot of reasons as it is how I felt growing up too.  I appreciate you checking in.
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Hope, I am rather enjoying Eleanor Oliphant.  It is sad but I am glad to read it as it is giving me images and ways to think about my experience that I find interesting.  I appreciate your support.
..........
I am really worn out by today but wanted to jot down some things that happened today.

I had responded to that supervisor to say that the parent advocated for their child and I had wanted to say that the process must be inaccessible or this parent wouldn't have had such difficulty (for all I know this parent didn't screw up and they are just telling me she did).  I wish I hadn't responded- the person responded again....like she had to get in the last word.  I didn't really read what she read closely because it is just disingenuous.

Tonight I went to a meeting to learn about information I will need to share with my colleagues.  I found the meeting extremely triggering- it was about student mental health.  That is a topic I find important but the way the information was delivered and the particular people I was sitting around made me upset.  We had to do an "ice breaker" talking about the holidays.  Everyone was going on about how they love family and the holidays.  I chose to say that family is my least favorite thing about the holidays and someone asked me to elaborate and I said no.  Family and the holidays are not pleasant for everyone.

During a break, a person in my group and I were in the restroom at the same time.  She started asking me about my running which I had mentioned in the group.  She then launched into this thing about how she is fat and used to run but it got to be too much but that she used to be thin like me and now she isn't.  It was the most bizarre thing.  I would guess I triggered her by talking about running and saying family sucks and she felt compelled to make comments about my body and hers as well as tear down my coping strategy with some weird comments.

Today was just generally hard - I spoke truthfully about a student and felt like I shouldn't have.  And then I couldn't speak up about the experience of people with disabilities when it came time because I am worn out.  I am struggling with how my communication feels Iike such a mismatch.

I hope sleep helps.

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so sorry, Rainy, it sounds like this meeting was very difficult for you.
I've been working in education for the last 3 years and I have often found meetings like this extremely hard to get through, so I completely understand how much of an emotional turmoil it must have caused you. Part of me always wants to speak up about all the things these people are getting wrong, while the rest of me just wants to vanish into the ground, so I can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to sit there and wonder what to do.
You're probably right that the other person felt triggered somehow about her weight, but it still doesn't give her the right to talk to you like that in the restroom. It sounds like an extremely awkward situation, however I do thing that you managed it really well considering everything that has been going on.
I just feel so sorry that you have been struggling this much, but I don't really think that your communication is a mismatch. I've had this issue so many times myself, because people feel like they are experts somehow even though they have very little or no personal experience with topics like mental health or disabilities, so it's almost impossible to get them to consider different viewpoints.
You were doing what you felt was right for the student and given your understanding of mental health issues etc. I do believe that you were certainly on the right path there, but everything in education is so stuck that people just end up following ingrained procedures rather than honestly considering what would be the best solution for the student. So, please, don't blame yourself for that, I know you were trying to help and that is the only thing that would matter to me. Maybe your supervisors can't always appreciate that, but you know that your intentions were positive, so you can be proud of yourself for doing that you felt was the right thing.
At any rate, i hope things will get better for you soon!

[Larry]

I hope sleep helps too.    you deserve to be happy   

[paul72]

hi rainydiary

Just want to send some support your way.
I've had some difficulties responding to you lately to be honest... but only because my young part wishes he had someone like you when he was in school.
I'm sorry the work you do is so difficult, but I thank you for the kindness and empathy you show, and wish it wasn't at such a great cost to yourself.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Milkandhoney - I appreciate the perspective and understanding of working in education.  I processed more of that experience today and may reflect more below.  I appreciate your support.
.....
Larry, I appreciate you checking in.  I did sleep but it wasn't as long or as restful as I would wish.  I hope we all get some rest soon.
.....
Phil, I appreciate your words.  I hope I make a difference for some kids - I wish I had a grown up show me care too when I was little.
.........
Today was exhausting.  My schedule of students is hard emotionally on Tuesdays.  I felt present for them but it took a lot of out of me today.

I thought I would write more today than I think I am actually up for.  I am too tired in my brain.

I'll write more another time.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i understand being 'too tired in my brain' - it's just there and i think the best thing for it is some rest, rainy.  i do hope you get some, and i can't find enough words for how upset i am for you that you have such a(nother) toxic work environment.  so sucky.  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - today was a lot.  I appreciate coming here and having the support of you and the others.
........
I need to get thoughts out about this day.

Today and the rest of this week are parent teacher conferences.  This means students come in the morning and the afternoon is for classroom teachers and parents to meet.  This ruins my schedule with students.

The morning was mostly ok - I got some paperwork done.

Then about 1 pm things hit the fan in succession. 

I got an email from a teacher colleague for a meeting on Monday.  I already had a meeting planned which I planned last month.  She claims she "forgot" to send out a meeting invite until today.  We were able to reschedule but this was some garbage.

Then I got a random email from a school psychologist that I am needed to help with an evaluation of a private school student.  Part of my duty is to provide support to private schools in our area.  This is annoying but it is what it is.

Then I tried to use the bathroom.  There seems to only be one bathroom with one toilet for adults working at this time.  So as I'm waiting, a teacher opts to share something with me that she really should have emailed me about.  Some parents are upset with me about something that fell through from last year.  I'm not surprised this is happening.  I sent out an email to our central office to see if there is paperwork submitted for the request the parents are unhappy about.  They claim they don't so now I have to start over.  In haste I emailed this family.  My intention was to say I was not aware until now but will figure it out.  I am worried that it will just upset them further.  At this point I'm not sure I can do anything as they are already upset and will be.  I did find out today their frustration began before me but now I will take heat.

Then I had to go do some parent meetings which were ok but just another demand.

I will say that a previous version of myself would have been destroyed by that series of events.   I am still shaky but I am holding it together.  I think because I know how it feels to feel frustrated and stuck and unsupported leaves me space to give to others and not take it too personally.

[rainydiary]

The events of yesterday weighed on me more than I realized.  I woke up full of anxiety much earlier than I needed to today and could not settle back into rest.

The situation that is getting to me is the one with the parents that are mad about their student and the missing paperwork.  I have come to understand that I overlooked information available in this student's electronic file.  I am still learning the system and how to access information. I am feeling incredibly defensive though.  There were several people that were involved in all of this last school year, including the parents, that could have made this clearer to me.  It makes me worried that someone said something to me and I just didn't pick up on.

What's eating at me is that is going to fall on my shoulders at work.  It is going to be "my fault."  I will of course take steps now to course correct.  But I am feeling so lousy.  And there is nothing I can do about it at 4 am.