Rainy Journal 2022

Started by rainydiary, January 02, 2022, 12:29:24 AM

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sanmagic7

rainy, i agree w/ the idea of them trying to 'put you in your place'.  and i agree w/ you that it's interesting how many people respond w/ takedowns when envy/jealousy is at play in their lives.  again, so very sorry you have to go thru this w/ these people.  there's no rational reason for it, no fault on your part, and no way to fix it, i'm afraid.  keep breathing, ok?  love and a hug full of support and encouragement to keep doing what works for you. :hug:

CactusFlower

Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy.  I agree that their discomfort is their problem, not yours, but life isn't always so cut and dried. I think a lot of people feel pressure to "represent" when the topic comes up, but truth is, not everyone is the advocate/warrior type. Especially if our freeze/flight is invoked.  Always here to listen when you need it.

rainydiary

Blueberry, I appreciate the recognition of an EF - I am not doing so well at spotting them in myself these days as they feel different than they used to.  Thank you also for the reminder to do things in my way.  I think I still wish I was very different from the way I am. 
.....
M&H, thank you for understanding.  I am also given weird conflicting information on boundaries but the feedback really seems to be "why do kids like you?  Why do you let kids experience joy around you?"  I wish education looked very differently too.  It makes me sad.
.....
San, thank you for your words.  I am finding ways to step back and realize when it isn't my work to do.  It is really hard and I still mess up but hopefully in the long run it will offer more peace of mind.
.....
CF, thank you for the hugs.  Real life is very messy and I will be untangling all of this forever.  I think I will try to take the pressure off myself to be something I'm not - I am still struggling with identity and I think my work right now is clarifying that as much as I can for myself.
..........
I am still feeling off from yesterday and mad at myself for not recognizing EFs.  I am expressing myself to my support system more effectively than in the past which helps.

Some of my problem yesterday was also just how our boss communicated with us during the meeting.  After all that difficult conversation, she shared that we are still short staffed and they need us to do extra work.  She said if we don't volunteer, we will be told to do it.  I find this so frustrating on a number of levels but it isn't respectful in my opinion and violates people's boundaries. 

I received a lot of demands and feedback toward the end of my work day which tends to set me off a bit.  It is annoying that people wait until the end of a day on Friday to throw out bombshells.  I got some picky, unwarranted, unhelpful feedback about a goal I wrote for a student in a document through a grapevine.  I have been ruminating on this since it happened. 

Part of me wishes I hadn't put myself out there yesterday.  History has taught me it sets me up as a target.  I want to be myself and I also want to protect myself.  Working in places that disrespect boundaries makes that difficult.

A special memory though - I was walking and saw a student I work with.  I haven't met with him as much as I am supposed to for a variety of reasons and feel like we are still getting to know each other.  But whatever is going on must be working because he approached me and gave me a hug.  It was very sweet. 

Larry

hugs are the best,   i hope you have a great weekend

Not Alone

I'm sorry that work continues to be so difficult and hurtful.

Hugs from a child are the best!

rainydiary

Thank you Larry and Not Alone.  :hug:
..........
There is a meeting on Monday I'm really worried about and can't stop thinking about.

The parents are mad but haven't spoken directly to me about it.  The speech therapist set up a plan with them last school year (in June or so) that they were really into. 

Well, I was not aware of all the details and did not carry out something they were expecting to happen.  They shared their frustration with the student's teacher at parent teacher conferences.

I have felt terrible about this since it happened.  I obviously didn't do this on purpose - I am still learning how things are done in this job and where information is stored.  Also, the student has been making progress and I don't agree with the other speech therapist's approach.  She left me in a difficult position.

I have tried to make it right.  All I can is move forward the best we can.  But I dread the tone and how the meeting will go.  I am trying to not assume how their demeanor will be.  There will be other people in the meeting so hopefully we can all work together.

Blueberry

Just so you know and in case it's any help, I'll be sitting with you in that meeting giving you strength and applauding your work.

milkandhoney11

I'm so sorry, Rainy. I completely understand how terrifying this situation is but I believe in you and know that you'll get through it. You always have the very best intentions in mind and I hope the parents will be able to see that.
I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well

sanmagic7

i'll be there with you, too, rainy (i loved blueberry's idea).  once again, you know what you're doing in your job and those kids respond to you, are able to progress w/ you.  hang onto you.  love and hugs :hug:

rainydiary

Your support really helped - I imagined you all there with me.  :hug:
.........
And I need not have worried so much about that meeting.

The parents weren't actually upset.  I think the student's teacher misrepresented their feeling.  Maybe they did communicate more frustration with her than they did today.

Of course I lost sleep last night worrying about this.  But I can move forward now.

milkandhoney11

Well, that's a relief! So happy to hear it went quite well... :cheer:

Blueberry


Not Alone

Glad your meeting went okay.  :hug:

rainydiary

I appreciate the support.

I felt a bit better for a while then just felt hungover.

I feel so ashamed at how hard relationships and work feel right now.

rainydiary

Today ended up being hard.

There are so many systems and processes I wasn't trained on in this job.  I am expected to figure it out as I go.  I am trying to do that but continue to get conflicting information depending on the source.

I had a conversation today with a person who I feel like is overstepping her bounds and I see now was probably triggered when I spoke to her.  But she dropped tons of unnecessary stress on me and is just doing things to cover her own behind.

I did speak to an administrator in my building.  I'm not sure it helped but good grief. 

I am so exhausted.