The 'comfort of extinction' - an important insight

[bluepalm]

In a recent discussion with my GP about my emotional state, which was at that time 'all over the place', I told her it frightens me how quickly my thoughts have, throughout my life, turned to suicide. I recounted my recent thoughts of planning to board my dogs and then send a  note to the boarding kennel telling them I would not return.

Hearing this, my GP arranged an urgent referral to a counsellor the next day. Her urgency puzzled me. When I saw the counsellor she was obviously worried that I would hurt myself, that I was in danger. When I next saw my GP, she said she had been frightened by my plans for my dogs.

This series of events led to an important insight for me.

I realised that the speed with which my thoughts turn to suicide is because such thoughts are my only effective way of 'self-soothing'.

When I seek comfort in my mind there is a frightening blank - no people, no events, no memories, no places, nothing comes to my mind to give me comfort. I have nothing to cling to in my mind when I feel frantic for comfort - except the thought of extinction.

I wonder why it has taken me so long to understand this when I actually wrote a poem about it forty years ago!  Here is what I wrote:

The sharpness of the sun
and the square heaviness
of daily doings -
of breakfast toast
and truck exhaust,
of children's sticky faces
in my lap.

These mock my midnight struggle
when the unassailable logic
of the comfort of extinction
filled my mind -
and overflowed in visions
of drifting softly in the sandy depths
weeds woven round my eyes
fleshy dribbles being nibbled
from my breasts.

This insight has given me relief. It has drained a lot of the fear out of the way I turn so quickly to thinking of death. In fact it has made me feel angry that I have been left all my life with nothing but death to turn to for comfort. That my relationship with my parents (and then with my husband) was so desperately bleak, so devoid of any moment of comfort. What an indictment of their behaviour towards an innocent infant and child and a broken and desperately sad young woman!

It feels healing to turn my fear into anger. I feel this has been an extremely important and protective insight.

[rainydiary]

bluepalm, I appreciate you sharing this insight and I hope it brings you ease. 

[Kizzie]

That is an important insight you've had Bluepalm and incredibly sad at the the same time.  I hope a gentle 
is OK.  I hate the thought of you going through such a bad time and as always I wish we could do more here to comfort, support ...

Trauma does make one bone weary and I understand (and can relate to) the thought of death as comforting.  Maybe the anger will become your comfort now, your spark to fight for a life that is NOT bleak and barren. I hope so Bluepalm, with all my heart.

[starkravingsane]

Bluepalm, I appreciate your post so much. I definitely relate to the idea of suicide/death as a source of comfort. I had just made a post about suicide as a back-up plan that provides a sense of control, mastery, and power for me. But it is absolutely a comfort as well. It feels like something mine and mine alone, something solid that I can hold onto in an abstract, frightening, overwhelming world. If that makes any sense whatsoever. You described it beautifully.