Ending another long term friendship

[Boatsetsailrose]

This is a pattern in my life that I outgrow friends ...
I've had long friendships and this one is 7 yrs ( there's something about the number 7 at the mo ...
We have been close friends and shared lots of life ...the difficult , the hard , the amazing , fun , laughter , shared interests...
The past 3 yrs we have both been going through ' stuff . Her mental health instability ++ unresolved trauma .. relationship breakdowns ..unmanageable work situations .
Me trauma PTSD ... In therapy healing and obs the m.e CFS . I've come to the point where I can't take her drama anymore and I'm seeing more and more she is v self centred , seems fake and pushes and pulls in our friendship by no contact and then piling it on , making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know .
I've worked to practice patience with her , set boundaries where I've needed to etc but now I just feel done ..
It's sad I don't want to lose another friend because my god I don't have a pool of them and she was my closet friend ..
But I can't see any way around it .
I'm a different person to when we met 7 yrs ago I've had a lot of healing and growth .... For her it seems the reverse .
Her  psychiatrist says she may have bpd and it's come to light she has huge sexual trauma which she hasn't and says she can't address .
My m I'm sure has bpd and I can't have a relationship with her so it isn't a surprise I was attracted to someone broken too but I'm changing and wanting more healthy for my life . People who can give and take in healthy ways . Overall I feel this friend has a real lack of respect for our friendship and I often don't know if I'm her closet friend or she doesn't give a s**t . She appears hollow and fake and users people .
I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me .
It's a bit scarey the space that will be left but in honesty it's more past memories than how things have been this past year and longer .
Also the letting go feels like a relief also and an excitement for more healthy relationships in the future .
Women who can look after themselves in healthy ways as I'm learning to do ..

Anyone relate ?
What are your experiences ?
Do I sound sane ?
Also I haven't used the forum for a while can people point me to where I can do some good reading around toxic people and how that operates ..
Thanks

[Blueberry]

I ended 2 long-term friendships in 2021. But I don't have the wherewithal to explain any of it atm.
You do sound completely sane. The friendships I ended - well those 2 friends are healthier than I am in obvious ways, but being around them is no longer healthy for me. I think that's the be-all and end-all. Are these people good for me? Good for you, Boatssetsail?

[tea-the-artist]

boatsailrose you are absolutely sane! just reading your words, your reflection on the efforts you've put into the friendship while working on yourself to grow... and of course the excitement you feel from letting go. something to be very proud of

[woodsgnome]

It's always difficult and sad seeing when our longer relationships are no longer amenable to our needs. The good part here is your recognition that this was happening, so kudos for doing that.

Sometimes it seems we hold on because, as you say, friendships can be few and far between, especially while already dealing with how to handle all the effects of C-ptsd.

For me, living in a remote region, the difficulty involves finding any 'live' friends, period. Perhaps I'm a tad hyper-vigilant, too careful, but having been hurt a few times it does seem better than just sliding into friendship only for the sake of having someone, or anyone. If it becomes obvious we're no longer compatible, it may be a signal that however long or short it's been, some friendships will not stand the test of time.

Best to you as you sort this out. 

[bluepalm]

You sound eminently sane to me Boatsetsailrose. I relate absolutely to what you say: [/i]I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me .[/i]

Over the past year or so I have reached a similar healthy state, As a result I have ended friendships where I felt the other person was using me (I'm a good listener and a 'people pleaser') and showing little to no respect for me and who I am and what I now feel I need from a friendship: mutuality, kindness, respect, openness and generosity.

Over the years I've let some friendships drift on because I didn't want to hurt the other person and I felt I should put in the effort to understand her and absorb the hurts she inflicted on me.  No more.  Cutting ties that were 30 to 40 years old has taken courage from me but the relief I feel from no longer having to manage these fraught friendships is huge and I have no regrets about the action I've taken.

In fact it was telling to me that three of these long term friends immediately accepted my wishes and cut off all ties with me. To me that's a tell tale sign of someone who was using me for their own purposes.  If they had felt respect and warmth for me, I feel they would have tried to save the relationship, or at least discuss my concerns, but they didn't.

Healthy, sane me says 'good riddance'. That's energy I've saved to give to those few more recent friends who engage with me as I am now in a fulfilling and respectful manner.

As for reading on toxic people, maybe the Out of the Fog site would be useful, if you haven't already looked there.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u all... I appreciated your responses...
I forgot to say so

So good to hear of others that cut ties

I've had 2 people I know recently get in touch and say ' said person ' is really not well..
I'm pleased I put a boundary in and said I can't hear it. Well one person I didn't respond to the other I said this too.
She totally understood

[rainydiary]

I find painful and also necessary for some relationships to come to an end.  We change and what we need changes.  I hope the decision continues to be supportive for you.

[Nasturtium]

Hello. This is just my second post and I'm nervous about sharing but here goes. I have had many friendships where i have been dumped, twice by being full on ghosted. It also happened in groups I thought I was a part of. It really hurts. I would have been ok if the person/group members had told me why but instead I was left with the seemingly never-ending mental agony of "what's wrong with me" What did I do wrong?.

On the reverse of that, I have recently pulled back from a nearly 40 year friendship, but I have shared some of the why with this person. Once I discovered FSA and C-PTSD - just 3 weeks ago- I realized why I kept getting triggered by this person. It didn't seem to matter how many times I shared with her about how not being "seen" is a Big pain area for me or how I feel like I belong no where, things always came back to her stuff, her needs, and she is unable to truly do more than surface spiritually kind of comments. This has been happening for a few years and I feel much better not being in contact with her though I send cards because I do care about her.

I am so relieved to learn that the sense of never belonging anywhere and the issues with friendships, groups, etc. is part of being a survivor of FSA. I am doing my daily affirmations from Rebecca Mandeville's podcasts and lots of reading. I love the information about being able to redesign our neuropathways. Hope.

[Phoebes]

Absolutely, Boat. I think, as we learn and grow and heal we naturally unpack and see the patterns in our relationships. Some of them become intolerable as a result.

I have fallen away from most of my longtime friends. Now, some people would say I "am the common denominator." Society's usual view. However, yes, my upbringing a.k.a. brainwashing, led me to forming friendships earlier in life where I did the majority of planning and giving grace. I made excuses for really bad behaviors, like not showing up to plans or being extremely late. I remember thinking if I didn't do all the calling and allowing for imperfection, another brainwashing belief from my parents, then I wouldn't have any friends. And that was reason for me to do it! 

An example is one of my longest time friends. We've not lived in the same state for a long time, so the interaction was not too often. But when it was, there was always a new thing for me to readjust to or research or put loads of emotional energy into, like a recent diagnosis of schizophrenia, and her consequent near death behaviors. Her cheating on her husband and expecting me to keep secrets. Her sleeping all day when I flew there to visit and we had talked about all the fun things we would do.

And when I have anything to say, or am dealing with, I am constantly interrupted, and play devils advocate against. Her parents even are abusive towards me. When I told her no more, I'm not going there anymore and she knows I am no contact with my own parents for the same reason, she defended all of them saying, that's just how parents are, they are old etc. I've just had it. I can't even talk to her about it. That's where I feel unhealthy is I just shut down. I'm sure from their perspective I have ghosted them but I just don't know what to say. You cannot talk to them.

Now she has moved back to my town and I've made it clear I'm too busy.

I've had similar experiences with a handful of old friends. The more I learn the more I see their traits are very similar to my mother. So I am fine with it.

[MommaDew]

I have struggled similarly loosing long term friendships and having to leave my career because of the pain I would feel being around them.  People who claimed to love and support me turned their backs quickly when I was placed on disability.  They made no issue blaming, gaslighting and betraying me while my symptoms kept me trapped in silence and shame.

I have asked myself constantly if this was completely my fault alone.  And I still wonder if they feel any type of ownership.  But those thoughts often lead down a terrible rabbit hole.

Sending only positive thoughts to you all !  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for making me feel heard !