Hope's Journal: 2022

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Larry, Not Alone, dollyvee and Blueberry,   
Thank you each for writing.   

************
30th January 2022

I'm currently doing a lot of processing of things, and whilst I've wanted to write about things here, I've not been able to, as whenever I've come here to write, somehow part of me has resisted, and I've not felt able to write. 

It's happening again - I've been considering what I feel ok to write about, and what I don't feel I can write about, and as a result, I'm not writing anything.  I need to consider how to proceed with this dilemma.  I need to find a way to feel more comfortable to be more open. 

I do know that I ended up in what I think was a dissociated state last week, when I got in touch with intense anger, and I acted on that anger, and did some things as a result that I wouldn't have normally done.  I don't regret it, but it surprised me a lot.  But it has meant that I've begun to re-appraise past things that I've done, and considered that I might have been in a dissociated state when I did certain things in the past.  It was most likely.  Just thinking about this, and recognising it, is I think quite a positive step. 

I think I'll try to do more free-flowing writing, here in my journal, over the coming days, and maybe my various parts will feel ok about that, and I can express some things more openly. 

I'll see how it goes.

Hope 

[Hope67]

3rd February 2022
I couldn't get in here (to the forum) for a while, and I wanted to thank Kizzie for helping me. 

I also wanted to reflect on the fact that not being able to access the forum caused me to infact realise that I can listen to my various parts, and hear them discuss scenarios, and that is quite a big leap for me, as before I had been listening to them, and taking account of things they say, and how they feel, but having a situation where I was unable to access this very important resource (i.e. a community where I feel like people understand me and what I'm going through) - it was interesting to hear the perspectives of my different parts about it.

I'll try to be braver and share their perspectives -

When initially I couldn't get in here, there was a part that said things like 'Well, that's ok, you don't need that place anyway' - and similar words.  That part told me I would be 'ok' and maybe I don't need to come back here.

There was another part who was very upset, and distraught about it, and wanted me to come back.  Wanted me to find a way to get back.

There was another part that feared that it wouldn't be possible to get back, and infact that part thought that there was some kind of hacking situation, something unsafe going on.

Another part wondered if I should try to come back under a new name, because then I'd be safer, as she was worried about the fact that Hope has shared so many things here in the past, and the paranoid or worried aspect of being recognised by FOO was a potential, and therefore scary.

There was a part who missed the people here whom I've grown to think of as 'friends' - yes, in a virtual sense, rather than face to face friendships, but friendships nevertheless.

**********
I've had a difficult few days also because I've been through the anniversary of when I think my FOO (relative) died.  Again, it's like different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about it.  It's complicated, and there are many different feelings I have about it.  There's part of me that feels upset for the way my relationship has been with that person.  There is part of me that is angry.  There is part of me that is disappointed.  There is part of me who feels nothing about it, who feels numb about it. 

Unfortunately the date of the death coincides with a celebration date of another family member (an 'in-law' kind of family member) and that has made it even more bizarre and weird to experience - because I've put on a 'happy face' for the celebration, but at the same time kept the wall up to hide the other more complex feelings relating to the bereavement.  Yet I can do that.  The walls can be put up, it's that dissociated state of 'being' but 'not being' - I can't probably do justice to it in words.

I've been comfort eating more - and I comfort ate in response to the date where the 'death date' and the 'celebratory date' happened.  I have gained weight in recent weeks, and I really want to do something about that.

I didn't tell my partner about the 'death date anniversary' - at least not until I'd got through the day and helped him to celebrate the 'celebratory occasion' with his relative.  I had basically began crying on our way back home, after the celebration.  I did then explain the reason why, and I think part of me was a bit exasperated with him that he should somehow 'know' about what I'd been through, and known what was going on.  But I also acknowledged that that wasn't realistic, and really, unless I communicated with him, how could I know or remember.  I realised that was a part of me that was upset about having to deal with such things. 

Anyway, I am hoping that things will be a bit better in the coming weeks, as that anniversary is past.  I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it.  Whether to do some kind of ritual thing - but then what kind of thing, because there are so many contrasting thoughts and feelings, most of which I've not really looked at or attempted to process.  I was grateful to SharpandBlunt for mentioning 'complicated grief' - I think it's an apt term, and I've heard of that, and I think there are people who write about it.  Maybe I should find the sources of those things, and have a look.

I'm grateful for all parts of myself, and the fact that they each contribute things to my life each and every day.  I'm getting to know them, and I'm beginning to interact with them - rather than just listening, I've begun to try to empathise with them, and respond to them.  I was too scared to do that before, or at least there was resistance from a stronger part of me, previously.  But I think that has reduced now, so there has been able to be this kind of change.

Anyway, I'm grateful for it.

I feel better for having written these things just now.  I feel ok about writing what I have written, and I am very glad to have been able to re-access this community to write, and I hope that I'll be able to catch up with other people in their journals sometime soon - but right now, I'm tired, it's been draining to get through these days.  But I'm ok.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate all that you shared. I haven't explored parts as a way of explaining stuff I am dealing with.  You are inspiring me to consider that as we can carry such conflicting things inside.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

That sounds like it might be helpful to you to look at the source of grief and try to process it in a way that feels right for you. Rituals can be a good way to help let things go.

I'm glad you're feeling safer and more comfortable with your parts   

dolly

[CactusFlower]

I think it's great that you could recognize all those different parts and realize how they felt. If it's something you think might work for you, rituals also can give our brains a sense of closure we might not otherwise have had. And they don't have to be elaborate to work. Wishing you peace.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Dollyvee & CactusFlower,
Thank you all for what you each said.   

*************
8th February 2022
I wanted to read something slightly lighter - because I know I tend to read many self-help books, and this time I chose a book from my local library, and it is called 'Eleonor Oliphant is Completely Fine' or something like that - and I have to say that I found it was a really poignant book, and that I related a lot to her character, and her traumas and her relationship with her mother.  I hadn't realised it was going to be a book that would be infact so apt.  It caused me to cry a couple of times.  It was paced in a way that seemed helpful to me - and I liked the fact there was a therapist that she saw, and therefore I could hear the therapists words and approach, and I felt like I 'fed-off' that experience - like it was something I also benefited from.

I think I've spelled Eleanor wrong above.  But I'll leave it like that.  I am trying not to edit myself.  Literally, not editing myself.

I feel slightly 'high' - as if I'm a bit hyper.  But I don't think I really am, it's just the sense I feel, and notice in my writing here.

Trigger warning (mentioning CSA):

I have also been reading a much heavier book, subject wise.  I hope to write about it in coming days, but not sure if I can process it or make sense of it - big resistance to writing about it yet.  It's a  CSA related book. 

I think I'll put the title here - it's 'Treating the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Psychoanalytic Perspective.'
That book is really good, in my opinion.  It's quite complicated to read - especially as I dissociate a lot whilst trying to read it, but I am finding it is really well written, and really well researched, and although it's written in the 1990's, it seems like it's really pertinent to now.  The authors are Jody Messler Davies and Mary Gail Frawley.  The year of publication is 1994.

I do want to copy this part, which I found particularly helpful:
p.199 of the book
"The adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse is a victim of chronic trauma that varies only by degree and is subject to all the long-term sequelae we have come to associate with PTSD and delayed PTSD, such as dissociation, sudden regression, disorganization of thought processes, visual and somatic representations of as-yet unformulated memory."

I feel spaced out now, and know that just writing that has caused me to drift away, but I wanted to write that here.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your update Hope.  I hope that the reading and experiences you are having are supportive in your journey.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Thanks so much 
Hope 

[Hope67]

12th February 2022
I have been dreaming a lot this past few days, and the dreams have been really realistic.  I am also experiencing some body pains - and I think those are related to a combination of getting more tense generally, and possibly moving around in my sleep and jerking my neck and other parts of my body, as a result.  I am sore and my body hurts. 

There have been lots of things going on in the past few weeks, and I have been annoyed that I haven't felt able to be open about what those things are.  But I am literally stomped by a part of myself who worries that things I write might be recognised by FOO members.  Hence, I don't write about things as openly as I'd like to.

I have been experiencing some feelings of grief now and then.  Sometimes it is very intense, and othertimes it's as it I'm not affected or touched at all by any emotions - so going between feeling emotions strongly, and then feeling numb.

Trigger warning, mentioning CSA, but nothing graphic

I finished the book I'd been reading most recently, and as is typical for me, if the content is about CSA, it means that my mind tends to shut down, and I rapidly seem to forget what the content was!  That book was incredibly complicated to read, as it was intended for people who are trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy, and therefore it was like the language of a foreign language, BUT, I did get something out of it, as it wrote quite a bit about dissociation, and I enjoyed reading the vignettes about clients and therapists, and felt I learned and related to a lot of what was written there.  I think it affected my dreams, as I dreamed last night that I was sexually assaulted.  It's made me wonder whether it was something that could have happened or not.  I don't know, as I don't think I'd been to that house in the dream, or that I knew the man involved.  But I couldn't see his face.

What I do think is the case, is that I am better able to think back to past things that happened in my life, and that I realise that I was acting sometimes (actually many times) in a dissociated state of mind.  I am 'aware' of it, and now in my day to day life, I can even feel when different parts of me are driving my bus.  I am far less afraid of those parts, as I feel like I've been getting to know them, and trying to interact with them.

But I don't have interactive conversations yet.  I still fear doing that.  I just listen to them, and I reply to them, and try to reassure them, and sympathise with their feelings and thoughts.    I feel like they are beginning to trust me, and know that I'm looking out for them, and that I'm grateful to them for how they tried to protect me over the course of my life. 

Hope 

[Bach]

What I do think is the case, is that I am better able to think back to past things that happened in my life, and that I realise that I was acting sometimes (actually many times) in a dissociated state of mind.  I am 'aware' of it, and now in my day to day life, I can even feel when different parts of me are driving my bus.  I am far less afraid of those parts, as I feel like I've been getting to know them, and trying to interact with them.

But I don't have interactive conversations yet.  I still fear doing that.  I just listen to them, and I reply to them, and try to reassure them, and sympathise with their feelings and thoughts.    I feel like they are beginning to trust me, and know that I'm looking out for them, and that I'm grateful to them for how they tried to protect me over the course of my life.

Hi, Hope.  I just wanted to tell you that it's good to read about your progress with your parts.  I've also spent much of my life in a dissociated or semi-dissociated state and I've been trying to get to know my parts as you describe here.  Interactions are limited because most of the time my parts really still don't seem to want to deal with me.  Earlier today I got a feeling of a happy little girl in me.  I tried to engage her but she ran and hid.  Still though, it's good to know that she's in there.  I've been trying to find her for years. 

Thank you as always for sharing your journey 

[Armee]

Hi Hope. Wow! I love that you have been able to write so much here. It's incredible, especially where you intentionally kept yourself from editing a possible misspelling. This makes me smile, that you were able to do this. 

It's really hard when things we read are speaking to us but we don't quite have the context to know exactly how it relates. Your body is speaking to you through dissociation and there's a lot of truth if not details in what it says to you. The excerpt you shared...about "as yet unformulated memory" is powerful and scary.

[sanmagic7]

what a lot of progress you've made, hope, in all this writing you're doing, and a lot of courage as well.  kudos to you - you're very special as both a person and a forum member.  thanks for being here.

it's also been good to know i wasn't the only one with the forum problems.  i'm glad they're past and we can be together again.  love and hugs

[Larry]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you all for your replies - I am intending on writing something to each of you, but will hope to do that later - maybe tomorrow - as today is a day I'm hoping to chill out and maybe read something that is hopefully relaxing.  A magazine or something like that.  Just wanted to pop by and say that I appreciate what you've each written - and I am so thankful of this community space to write and journal in.   

Hope