Hope's Journal: 2022

[CactusFlower]

Same for me, Hope. Reading other's memoirs in order to write my own has very much pushed home the point that I'm not alone. We're here in this space with you, and gentle hugs if you want them.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee - thanks so much for mentioning that book - I recognise the name 'Roxanne Gay' - not sure whether I've read one of her books before, but I'll check out the one you mentioned.  Thank you.   

Hi CactusFlower - yes, I was inspired by the fact you've written your own memoir and I also appreciate the gentle hugs too -    thank you 

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26th September 2022
I have just been reading some things that others have written in their journals, and I was struck by Armee writing about how she was able to remember more through stopping the defence against remembering - I realise I've probably phrased that wrongly - but it was a sense that I got that things become a bit easier if they aren't defended against.  I relate to that.

Since I took the Breaking Free workbook back to the library, and then just organically gathered a few different books to bring back and read - I've not set myself tasks, but just dipped into different things as and when, and somehow having some space and some freedom to do as and when, it seems to have made things easier to process - or at least to be less upsetting.  More freeing.

I think that meditating for the five minute sessions twice a day have been really good.  I am reminding myself to allow space for all my inner parts and beginning to extend the time to allow me to try communicating with them - I'm still tentative about this, as for some reason whilst I feel like I can talk 'to' them - I am scared to ask them direct questions.  I often say things like 'You can show me what you want me to see' and then I get flashes of things - but they are fragmented and don't make sense.  But they do show me things.

I still get the feeling of dread at night - I think it usually happens around 1pm or so.  I think it is typically around that time.  But I just allow that feeling to 'be' and I don't fight it - I just try to be with it, rather than react.  It doesn't last long, and I think I then sleep.  So this is better than previously. 

Hope 

[Armee]

I have experienced the same, that letting upsetting things be there is far less upsetting than fighting them.

I downloaded samples of the me too/we too books but stopped reading then because I don't want to let thay affect what I remember or more like I don't want it to be more cause for me to doubt my experience. One day I'll go back to them.

It sounds like you are making a very safe space for the parts of you who remember to share...those fragments.

I only ever got fragments too and it took a long time for me to see what picture they were painting. I have read about trauma and memory and remember that it would be described as both knowing and not knowing. I always thought that meant that other people KNEW like all the details and KNEW what exactly happened but were choosing to not acknowledge it. I didn't feel like that was me...i knew but didn't know, but it was tentative lowercase knowing. Now I can see how this whole experience is exactly how these things work, exactly how it is described. I knew but I didn't know. I had fragments but didn't understand. Just piece by piece a few each year they added up until I couldn't have any more doubt.

[dollyvee]

I think that meditating for the five minute sessions twice a day have been really good.  I am reminding myself to allow space for all my inner parts and beginning to extend the time to allow me to try communicating with them - I'm still tentative about this, as for some reason whilst I feel like I can talk 'to' them - I am scared to ask them direct questions.  I often say things like 'You can show me what you want me to see' and then I get flashes of things - but they are fragmented and don't make sense.  But they do show me things.

Hi Hope,

It didn't make sense for a while sometimes what my parts showed me. It was a journey as well I guess to find out what it meant and really getting an idea or map of how my internal world is organized. It didn't happen like it was written about in the Jay Earley book. I think perhaps your protectors would step in if they were going to show you something you didn't want to see? Or perhaps you could ask them to step in and not to flood you if so.

Glad you're finding a way through it though that makes you feel safe and heard.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i think accepting what we feel or sense can go a long way to making things easier for us.  we use up a lot of energy in that defense mode.  that being said, i'm wondering about accepting your nighttime dread - has it made any difference in your sleep?  i know you've frequently spoken about screaming while asleep.  i certainly hope so - you deserve some decent, restful, peaceful sleep.  i also like your piecemeal way of looking at things.  sounds like you're finding what works for you instead of going down someone else's path.  well done!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

 

[Larry]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Dollyvee, SanMagic, Not Alone and Larry,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote - 

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9th October 2022
I have a horrible tummy ache today - not sure why.  I had it before I ate, and it's not got any better since I ate.  I'm going to try to relax and hope it will go away by tomorrow.

I just mentioned it to my partner, and he says he also has a stomach ache, so now I wonder what it is!    Hopefully we'll both be ok after a bit.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope, I hope you and your partner both get well soon!

[sanmagic7]

ditto, hope.  fingers crossed it's only a little bug that will fly away very soon.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I hope you feel better soon Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic & Rainydiary,
Thank you so much for your kind care - my tummy bug thankfully only lasted a few hours - I was much better after a sleep overnight, and was relieved about that.  Not sure what it was, maybe just something we ate.

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13th October 2022
I just finished listening to a talk by Bessel van der Kolk in a Summit that is going on this week.  I found his talk interesting.  He researches things thoroughly and with care and concern.  He's writing another book, which I think he said will be called 'Come To Your Senses' - and so I will hope to buy that book when it is published.  I hope he finishes it soon. 

He also mentioned a book that he had read which had inspired him to go into psychiatry - it was called 'I Never Promised You a Postcard' - I might try to read that sometime - not sure who wrote it - but wanted to mention it here to remind myself to look it up.

I feel a bit strange right now, as I'm aware that I don't feel quite like myself as I write - and I wonder what part of me is dominating just now.  But I'll just keep writing anyway, and say a few more things.

I think maybe there's some discomfort as I want to write about an episode of 'Doctors' that was aired in the UK yesterday - and they featured a woman patient who had DID.  I thought they portrayed her quite well, as it's a programme that only lasts for about 30 minutes, and to cover a topic in such a short time frame is quite clever.  I was interested that my partner, who also watched it with me, wasn't surprised at all by the topic, and I knew that was down to my talking to him about fragmented personalities, and dissociation, and dissociative identity disorder etc.    I feel like I want to get rid of that whole paragraph now.  I feel embarrassed to have mentioned it.  But I'll leave it there.

I don't think I have DID, I think I have fragmented parts who have their own identities and feelings and thoughts, and they are all within me - and I value them being there, as I've been getting to know them over the past few years now.  But generally I feel like I am in control of myself - in that my 'self' is driving the bus.  Although I can clearly recognise times (particularly in the past as well as the present) when other parts have been prominent and where my voice has spoken their words, or my filter has seen the things that they see and feel.

Yet there isn't a sense of being out of control - because I feel able to see and sense the differences, and thankfully I've been able to sometimes change my behaviour in time for it not to cause some difficulty.

I have continued to have some meditation time - twice a day maximum, and sometimes just once a day - and only for about 10 minutes per session, but having done this for the past week or two, I think I'm getting better at calming and tuning into my internal states, and focusing on my breath, and then doing a body scan and relaxing my body parts - then I imagine a clearing where I invite any parts who might be present to 'be' there - and communicate if they want to.

Actually, I've really only been doing the meditation, body scan and then just a moment or two of the communication with the parts - and somehow I don't do that for long - it's as if I'm scared about what they might say - I recognise that thought comes from a protector kind of part of myself, and maybe that's why I just need to continue for a few more weeks, and then see what comes.  Consistency and being true to myself to 'be there' for all the parts - that's seeming to be a good key to tell them I'm reliable.  That I am there for them, and that I care about them. 

I feel that there's a part of myself that is very upset about something - I feel her presence within me, but can't relate to what it is that makes her feel that way. 

Looking for the trigger, I think it was that I felt like I saw in Bessel van der Kolk his compassion and caring, and that he disliked the monetarisation of people's issues, and I felt humbled by his care for research that can truely help someone.  For some reason that upsets part of me.

Hope 

[paul72]

hi Hope thank you so much for sharing this
I appreciate you talking about your body scans and communication with your parts.
I've been doing that maybe once or twice a month.. but by saying it out loud here, you're encouraging me to do it more.
It's so overwhelming for me... but maybe I don't need to be afraid of doing it more often.
It was really good for me to read your post.... just how you are so caring to your parts... thank you.
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like 

[Armee]

I really appreciate what you wrote about fragmentation and DID, Hope, because that is how it is for me too and I don't know where it fits on the spectrum but it's all quite confusing.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're feeling better 

It's really timely what you wrote about DID. I was doing some reading on Dzogchen (or watching old episodes of Project Runway) and the next day I had a feeling of seeing myself in different times, throughout my life and how I felt like I was such a different person; how did I get to be this person now? I was wondering if these feelings of CPTSD (the hypervigilance, fear, insecurities etc) are the driver and then we wake up and realize that we've driven through all of these landscapes (opportunities, times, places) but we're still in the same car? Once I step outside the feelings of CPTSD, and the "car" they put me in, then I see things differently? I don't know.

Wishing you well with your meditation. I meditated for 20 mins twice a day, everyday for a few years and it helped me focus my mind through a very difficult time. I hope it helps you in a similar way.

Sending you support,
dolly