Hope's Journal: 2022

[CactusFlower]

hugs, hope!

I think even those of us who know our Inner Children are certain ages and why they're that age have others within us. Not quite the fracturing of DID, but we're aware of parts that can feel separate sometimes. All we can do is to parent ourself again lovingly.

[Not Alone]

Hope, just dropping in to say hi. 

[Hope67]

Hi Phil, Armee, Dollyvee, CactusFlower, and Not Alone,     thank you for what you each said.  I appreciate you!  :-)

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17th October 2022
I have had a headache for a couple of days - it was particularly bad last night - when it seemed to be like someone was stabbing my eye-ball (left hand side one) and the front of my head (left-side).  Today it's like a band around the front of my head - I wonder if I'm dehydrated.  I'll try to drink more water.

I have got quite a few things I would like to write about, but maybe I can do that better when I've got rid of the headache. 

Might go and lie-down for a bit.

Hope 

[Armee]

 

Rest up and feel better, Hope. Thank you for the healing words you provided me this week. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you feel better and get a chance to say what you want to say even if your headache (a part?) is stepping in and interfering with it.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, Hope. headaches in that location are so awful. I hope it passes soon for you. I'd be happy to tell you what helps for me, but only if you want me to. I know unsolicited advice can be annoying at times. Wishing you plenty of rest.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee  to you.  Thanks so much.

Hi Dollyvee - I do think that my headache was a 'part' - I have experienced that headache over previous days, and I really do think it's a part.  I appreciate your support and also what you said.   

Hi CactusFlower - Thank you    I would definitely like to know what helps you with headaches in that location - I would value your advice and suggestions, so yes please, any suggestions or thoughts are very welcome.  Thank you. 

***********
Whilst my headache has improved, and I am not experiencing it just now - which is a relief.  It lasted on and off for a few days.  I do think that it was a part - somehow affecting me. 

I've had a part of myself which is like a teenager who is angry and has a lot of angst within her, and she's been accompanying me for periods of time in the day, and seems to be projecting her anger onto some people in my life - who probably don't deserve that angst being put on them, but I have reacted by allowing that part to vent her feelings and thoughts in the background, and NOT acting on the actions she'd like me to do towards those people.  It's been interesting.

I've had some vivid dreams too - one was very pertinent as it involved my sitting next to my M (which normally wouldn't be something I could tolerate, and I'd be wanting to run away/escape - but I was actually trying to talk to her about ways she could handle a situation she wasn't comfortable about - and noticed that I felt some satisfaction that she was struggling - as I know how much she would wish to be in control and not have anyone cause her issues.  But I was also trying to be helpful to her, whilst protecting my own boundary.  So that is a big thing.  Being able to face her in a dream and assert a personal boundary, whilst communicating with her.

I'm writing this quite quickly - so as not to edit myself too much.  Just type out what I want to say, quite quickly.

Some of my friends have been facing some difficult things lately - and I felt a bit blocked/stuck in how to react or how to best help them.  I felt a bit useless really - but I realise I've been over hard on myself, as I did help one of my friends out - and she was grateful to me. 

I find that the more I journal in hand-writing in a book I have, the more I dream.  I wish I'd done that more before, but better late than never.

Hope 

[Hope67]

21st October 2022
Today was really nice, we did some enjoyable things (my partner and I) - taking time for ourselves, and chilling out.  We also got some nice food to enjoy - it was really good.
Felt like a weekend before a weekend.  Felt carefree, which is a lovely feeling. 
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Ah, the peace that is always there; we don't always recognize it, appreciate it, or think it's lost ... and then, there it is! Hard to describe, and elusive, but when it comes it's fun to share as you've just done so well, Hope.

Thank you!

[Armee]

 

Hope I have no doubt you have been helping your friends even more than you realize. I can attest that here you have helped me out tremendously.

I wonder what that teenage part has been trying to help you with lately? She must be there for a reason. I love the righteous anger of teens. They are smart and passionate and protective.

Your recent day with your significant other sounds lovely and like more of those would do you good.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Hope! glad you had a good time, I hope it continued through this weekend.

[rainydiary]

I am so intrigued by being carefree.  I find it sometimes but it feels so rare.  I'm glad that you found that this weekend.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

  Thank you for what you each said.    to each of you. 

**********
11th November 2022
I've not felt able to come here much to write anything, although I did come here to read and touch base in that way.  It's been a while since I wrote anything here of any substance, but that's been because it's been hard to do so.  Parts haven't felt comfortable, for whatever reason.  BUT - I'm here today, and I think that I will be able to write more as the days progress. 

I've felt a bit like I've been undergoing some changes within - like a chrysalis transforming - and that's been painful and difficult to negotiate, but I think that the changes have been positive.  But it's painful to change.  Painful to feel.  Difficult to describe.  Hence the defence from parts about sharing the changes, sharing the pain, describing any of it in any meaningful way.

I experienced feeling as if I was very small, and like a child, and as if you were all adults talking here, and I felt like I couldn't join in.  Like I couldn't express things.  That was how it felt sometimes.  I felt like I wanted to 'run away' - shield myself from difficult feelings and thoughts, and hide.

I was reading some things that famous people had written in magazines, and how they struggle with their emotions and feelings.  I related to things they said.  I thought - we're all human, and sensitive, and vulnerable - regardless of how things 'look' on the outside.  How things appear - it's not how it necessarily is inside.

Interesting that as I write these things, I'm surprised that I'm writing so much - having said I can't write anything - but is it meaningful - maybe.

Already I feel like I've stirred up parts within myself who feel upset that I've come here and that I'm writing.  I need to tell them, it's ok.  It's safe here, I can write things, and it's ok.

Can't write more now, but glad to have written some things.  Hope to re-connect with people's journals sometime soon - I've been reading things people write, but not feeling able to say much/contribute anything - but I do care.

Hope 

[Armee]

Hi Hope. 

I'm glad you could share here today. I miss reading what you have to say and it is always insightful and helpful when you are able to write.