Hope's Journal: 2022

[rainydiary]

Hope, I hope your day was relaxing and that you enjoyed what you did.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you, I did enjoy some of that day, and it was relaxing in places.   

22.02.22
I am so excited to write on a pallendrome day, as they are rare.  That excited me to see that it was one of those days. 

As I write this now, I am aware that I've got a mix of emotions - I've been reading things online and getting a bit anxious about world events, but at the same time, it has made me feel as if I need to make the most of my life, and live my life in as free a way as I can.  So it's a mixture.  I did have some night terror experiences last night, and my partner told me that I sat on the edge of the bed, bolt upright, at one point, but thankfully I didn't do anything further than that.  I do remember that in my sleep, I felt as if I contacted the terrorised part of myself, who I think is a very young part, and saw brief flashes of something graphic, and also felt the terror of a feeling.  It was 'terror'.  But I didn't react to it beyond telling myself that 'A part of myself is triggered' and that helped me to get my brain back online.  I don't know if that actually happened, as it's sketchy and hazy relating to it.

Thank you for commenting in my journal, and I want to respond individually:

Bach  I was so glad to hear that you had some contact with the happy little girl part, and even though she ran and hid, when you tried to make contact with her, at least she is brave enough to show herself to you - I think that's a good contact.  I hope that she will make more contact, and feel safer as time goes on to be with you more.  I am grateful to you too for sharing your experiences with your parts, as it helps me to continue to do the same thing - and I really feel it's a positive thing to try to do that.   

Armee Thank you for what you said.    I think you describe things really well, and they make sense to me.  The body speaking through dissociation makes sense, and I try to listen to everything that happens relating to my body.  I have felt so numb and unconnected from it for so many years, but it is definitely beginning to communicate with me, and I am beginning to feel and experience more things relating to my body. 

SanMagic Thank you so much    I love and value you, and everything you say.  I am thankful you're here - although of course I wish that none of us had to experience things we've experienced - but maybe that makes us empathise more and have greater depth, I don't know, but it's a way I like to re-frame it.    Yes, it was disconcerting not to be able to access the forum for a while, with the certification issues, but thankfully I think it's fine again now, and Kizzie helped a lot with putting things right. 

Larry Thank you so much for coming by and your cheery wave    I appreciated you doing that. 

***************
22.02.22
I couldn't resist putting the date again, I really like it. 

Can't think of anything else to say now, so I'll stop writing now. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

The date with all the 2s is so special and I like it too. 

[Armee]

Happy 2222!

I hope you rest better tonight. Those fleeting hazy things can be disruptive and confusing in their own right. I really like how you talked yourself through it.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary & Armee    Thanks for what you wrote. 

************
7th March 2022
I didn't manage to get here for a while, and now I see the date when I last wrote, I didn't realise how long it was.  March now.  I've been overwhelmed by the events in the news, and upset about that.  It triggered a lot for me, far more than I realised it would.  I think that's understandable though, as I see how upset others have been, and realise it's normal to feel that way.  But it has made me think about generational trauma, and how pertinent that is. 

I've been dreaming more, and noticed that I've been having dreams that are very 'out of character' - I mentioned the word 'fantasising' in my reply to Rainydiary (in her journal) and how I rarely do that, but somehow in recent days the content of my dreams has involved things that I wouldn't normally feel or experience.  I don't feel able to mention the content of them, as I feel embarrassed by it.  But I thought also that dreaming/thinking/fantasising isn't 'real life' and therefore it's ok.  I recognise that.  I know that.  Why am I so harsh on myself, or putting myself into boxes where I feel I have to behave or act a certain way.  It's not necessarily very healthy to do that.

I started watching the latest version of 'The Secret Garden' the other day, and realised that it was set in 1947 and was related to historical events, and somehow that had evaded me before.  It was like I couldn't see that side of it.  Now I recognise more the dark impact of those times on the author of that book, and realise why she also wrote about 'The Little Princess' and the themes in that book also.  I felt I was able to see more things in the book this time, it has so many levels to it.

I've been feeling more anger lately too - beginning to process some things from my teenage years and early 20's and actually think about my feelings relating to those things, and acknowledge that I did have feelings of anger - but that the expression of those feelings was just not allowed, and that they were repressed and pushed down.  But I still carry those feelings within, and maybe project them onto things - rather than where they should be. 

I noticed when I was replying to someone's diary that my words began to dry up, and now I can't remember what it was that I was talking about - except that it was mentioning the relationship to food, and I think I wrote about comfort eating.  Then I felt the distance and drying up of my words  and thought.  But I managed to keep writing some things, and I managed to write here, so I'm glad of that.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I've been overwhelmed by the events in the news, and upset about that.  It triggered a lot for me, far more than I realised it would.  I think that's understandable though, as I see how upset others have been, and realise it's normal to feel that way.  But it has made me think about generational trauma, and how pertinent that is.

Same here, Hope. You're definitely not alone with that.

I need to watch The Secret Garden some time. Thank you for reminding me.

[Not Alone]

I'm grateful for all parts of myself, and the fact that they each contribute things to my life each and every day.  I'm getting to know them, and I'm beginning to interact with them - rather than just listening, I've begun to try to empathise with them, and respond to them.  I was too scared to do that before, or at least there was resistance from a stronger part of me, previously.  But I think that has reduced now, so there has been able to be this kind of change.

Anyway, I'm grateful for it.

Beautiful. 

[sanmagic7]

world events are also distressing me, hope - you're not alone in that at all.  i'm just grateful for you and everyone here - it's like a feeling of sanity in the midst of chaos. 

i read 'the secret garden' a long time ago, have a lovely velvet-covered edition, but had no idea of the levels you mentioned.  glad you did - i think i might dig it up and read it again. 

best to you with your dreams - i know they can feel embarrassing to admit to.  i've had a few of those kinds myself.  don't know that they have anything to do with reality, except maybe as a safety valve of some kind.  i don't know - that's how i think of mine.  i'm glad, tho, that you're beginning to feel some emotions and that you're recognizing that they may belong elsewhere than where you've projected them at times.  you're doing a lot of great work, my dear.  keep it up.  love and a big hug to protect you.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

it sounds like you're making progress in letting yourself feel things that you wouldn't normally. The news is very difficult to watch for me right now as well and find it really overwhelming. Glad you've found a way to cope with it.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - Yes, it's been tough and thank you so much for your supportive words, I appreciate them, and I am so glad to know you're ok and I hope you're recuperating well from your nerve damage.   

Hi Not Alone - You are lovely to say that, thank you.  I had forgotten I'd written that, and it was a good reminder to me of the process I had been experiencing - it had been taken off to a tangent for a while, with recent events, but I need to continue to be there for the various parts of myself, in that way, and I hope to.   

Hi SanMagic - Thanks for what you wrote, you are lovely.   I am also very grateful for everyone here, and for you - you are a stabilising and kind and very warm person (in my opinion).     

I like the sound of your velvet-covered edition of 'The Secret Garden' that sounds gorgeous.  I hope you enjoy re-reading it, should you decide to.   

I think you're right about feeling some emotions - it's definitely happening more now.

Hi Dollyvee - Thank you, I appreciate what you said, and I also definitely appreciate the support and hug, and reciprocate that to you as well 

***********
8th March 2022
Woodsgnome - I don't know if you'll read this, but I wanted to say that I love your enthusiasm for 'The Secret Garden' - I saw what you wrote to someone in reply to a mention about it, and part of my 'safe space' kind of meditation kind of things I sometimes do involves thinking about a beautiful garden where many of us here in the forum might be strolling and enjoying the leaves, flowers and sights in that garden, and you and Blueberry, Snowdrop, Armee, Dollyvee, Not Alone, Bach, Kizzie and many many people here that I've not listed are just popping by there from time to time. 

(Interesting that as I'm writing now, I'm feeling as if I'm being led by a part of myself that is very keen to engage with people, and to feel the support and care of other people.  It's a part of myself that is more optimistic and feels like a warm presence.  I don't always feel like that when I'm writing, but I do feel that very strongly right now.  I hope it's not too much for anyone - I feel like another part of myself is cautioning me that I'm being too 'sweet and sickly' with my words.  But I do mean them genuinely. 

Even as I write that, there's a part of myself that feels a sting of upset and wants to cry.  It's like that part reaches out and grabs at my chest as if to pull me backwards and stop me from communicating, but as I write about that, it feels like it's subsided and gone away. 

Now I don't know what to say, it's like my words have dried up. 

I am however glad to have written something here.  I am so grateful for this place.

Hope 

[Armee]

This is the sweetest post. Not sweet in a bad way but in a very good way. I'm happy to be part of your mental safe space. I wish I could make one for myself too. One day!

I'm so happy to see you able to say more here. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i just love you being more open lately, sweeter.  i think being sweet is lovely, and coming from you it sounds sincere.  i hope you don't stop.  it's a kindness, to my mind, and i do believe this world can use more kindness.  you've always been caring and careful not to upset anyone here and it seems like you're adding more depth to that aspect of you lately.  it's absolutely not to much for me.  i'm enjoying it, enjoying the more open hope.  love and hugs 

[CactusFlower]

Hope -
I don't think it's sickly sweet at all. I think it's very kind and caring, and shows a beautiful part of you. I am also grateful for this space, and very glad you're a part of it! Thank you for this connection. 

[woodsgnome]

Yes, indeed, Hope -- I admit to an ongoing passionate enthusiasm for "The Secret Garden", especially the original prescient book and its 1975 TV (now on YouTube) adaptation.

I'd heard vague references to it, but didn't personally encounter it until it was mentioned in this forum a couple years back. So I took a casual look, and felt an instant rapport with my inner garden, shall we say.

Elsewhere I've written that I feel I could teach a graduate level course about it. I virtually based a summer's length of therapy sessions built around how the various elements affected me.

More importantly, let me add my support per what the others have been saying here -- it's always good to see your contributions here, and to admire your willingness to share so much, even when it's a hard pull for you.

[Larry]