Hope's Journal: 2022

[sanmagic7]

hope, i'm glad you wrote all this, too.  it's so wonderful to see how you've mostly overcome that inner cr. and have allowed yourself to be you and write what you want.  i give you all credit for that, and respectfully say that your inner cr. is completely wrong about its assessment of you as being stupid or mad.  rather, i see you coming into your own, becoming your own person, climbing to the top of the well where you'd been tossed oh so long ago.  such strength and perseverance, hope.  i admire you.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Armee]

I deeply appreciate the real you coming through here. Agree with San, the ic is so very wrong about you. You come across as deeply deeply intelligent and very sane. When people challenge my inner critic though that I am stupid and bad and wrong there's some serious blowback and I feel it a 100x worse.

I am so proud of you for saying no. It wasn't right for them to send you someone on a personal basis either.

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for sharing your experience.  I appreciate your reflections on Gabor Mate - I have been interested in reading their work.  Best wishes navigating the feelings coming up for the boundary you set.

[Larry]

 ,  sending positive vibes,     you are an amazing person.....

[Not Alone]

Hope, thank you for what you shared. I might look into the Gabor Mate book to help with my eating issues. I'm not ready to got there yet.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Armee, Rainydiary, Larry, and Not Alone,

I am thankful to all of you for what you said, and am sending you each a hug 

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7th May 2022

I have no idea what I'll write today, but I wanted to touch base here and say something, because I feel that I can share things in my diary and in this place, and even though my inner critic parts sometimes get cross or upset with me for doing so, I know that it helps me to re-read things later, and it also helps to just be able to have a place to write things.

I've been communicating more with a part of myself who feels/experiences some very strong emotions - I think she's a very young part of myself - I don't even know if she can speak or whether she's verbal, but I know she's there, and whatever she experienced was terrifying to her - she sometimes shares those 'feelings' with me when I'm trying to get to sleep at night - and now, I tend to speak to her when I experience that 'dread' - and say things like 'It's ok, I'm here with you, I know you're there' and I often try to remind myself to touch my head in a cradling way, and 'feel' her presence within, and tell her that she's ok.  Sometimes I hug myself, again telling her that she's safe.  It does seem to help, because I feel her respond within me. 

I haven't felt that I can 'talk to her' though - in that, I feel tentative to upset her or scare her off.  I want her to communicate with me, but I guess that I or another part of me is scared about what she might then share with me - because the feelings are so incredibly dark and upsetting. 

I went for a walk today - and was thinking about the article that Armee shared, which was about grief and different kinds of mothering, and it was helpful.  I'm not grieving my M, as she's still alive, but I am grieving the loss of the relationship with a mother - I am grieving my D, as he is dead, but yet oftentimes I don't know that I really feel the reality of that.

There's been a TV programme called 'The Other One' which is about two sisters whose father died, and they didn't know about each other's existence till his funeral - as it was a hidden relationship, and somehow watching that and seeing how those two women are getting to know each other - and how they have been grieving the death of their Dad - it's been interesting too.  They are writing it with humour, and somehow that feels ok.

Whilst I was walking, and thinking about the article I mentioned about mothering and grief, I actually experienced feeling nausea and my throat constricted a bit.  So it was really physical - reacting and thinking about those things.  I found that just breathing and 'allowing the feelings' to wash over me, seemed to be a way to help them pass by, and I tried to focus on things around me - the path, the view and things like that. 

I finished the book by Gabor Mate, and found the last section of it not as helpful to me as the beginning and middle bits - but maybe it was because I don't like any form of endings, and maybe parts of me were resisting the idea that it would end.   I had been trying to focus on eating better, and had been enthusiastic about a technique I'd read about in the book, but I am now aware that already, 'the part that rubs things out' has managed to erase my active following through of that, and infact comfort eating has won - I have over-eaten on quite a few things I regret after the event.  But I enjoyed them at the same time.  I just wish I didn't gain the weight.  I don't like it.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Reading your thoughtful journal entry, I found myself noticing certain things that popped out for me.

First, I was impressed with the tender care you exhibited about handling your interactions with the very young version of you. As you noted, it seemed apropos as she might even be afraid of you, so you did the gentle things you felt she might relate to better than, for instance, speaking lots of words which might be meaningless to her, and therefore reinforce her shyness about you. This is how I'd hope we all can respond to these sorts of situations, where many of us never really felt anyone's kindness so directly.

So yes, it's new, but even very young nearly non-verbal young people know the difference. The kindness and caring, then, would seem important for showing her you care, even or especially if one else does.

Later, you wondered about the notion of humour finding its way into surprising places, such as those of the two 'unknown' sisters meeting each other. Humour, for me, has helped many situations even when on the surface I find myself in a very non-funny circumstance. Thanks for bringing that to the surface.

The other point you made -- about "allowing" emotions such as grief to just emerge instead of trying to always suppress them, then finding a surprising touch of relief when it is allowed -- yes, exactly how it's happened to me on occasions when I surrender to them. Even if I think I don't want to.

I could go on some more, but perhaps I'll 'end' before I steal any more space from your journal. I just wanted to respond to some very salient points you touched on, all of them fitting into what is commonly called recovery, but where I find the term 'discovery' to be more on point. I have lots of things I'd prefer not to recover, but staying on a course of 'discovery' I find more suitable. Plus, discovery is a term that never needs the regret of a precise outcome. Even 'finished' books can be returned to, and in the re-search of them new findings made.

[Armee]

Hope, it's very inspiring to me how you interact with that younger part so warm and cautious at the same time. In your writing it feels like you are coming closer to allowing some of that knowledge to approach you, about what younger you went through, but with some very wise caution and an appropriately slow pace.

I appreciate what you say about your D's death not quite sinking in. I relate to that a lot. I may try to watch that movie. It speaks to me a lot just the little bit you shared.

[Not Alone]

Your comfort and nurturing the the younger part is beautiful.

I struggle with comfort eating and weight gain too.

[CactusFlower]

Hope, the way you comfort and help that youngest one of you is so lovely and inspiring. Thank you for sharing that with us. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you for sharing your thoughts, I found it really helpful to read what you wrote, and how you talked about the younger potentially non-verbal part - being shy and potentially scared of me - I think that's why it's taking (what I think is a long time) to make contact - but I'm just going to keep going, and try to stay consistent and present for any of my parts, but especially the very young ones.  I very much appreciate anytime you write things - because I always value what you write and hope you'll continue to do so whenever you feel like it.   

Hi Armee - Thank you for what you wrote - I do think that I am coming closer to allowing some of the knowledge held by the younger parts to be shared with me - they do show me snippets from time to time, and I feel it is increasing - but like you say, pacing it at an appropriately slow pace, that is important.

Regarding grief, Armee, it wasn't a movie that I watched, it's a series, possibly only on UK TV, but I'm not sure.  It's quite light-hearted, but has issues that I relate to - i.e. families that have lied to one another and kept secrets, and sisters who've met as adults without knowing one another as children, plus the death of a family member too - so those are the aspects I'm relating to - just appreciating seeing events being portrayed and thinking about my own feelings, but at a safe distance protected by the humour balm.    Sending you a hug Armee 

Hi Not Alone - Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone with the comfort eating and weight gain - I'm sorry that you also struggle with those things.    Thanks also for what you said about my interactions with my younger part.    Sending you a hug too, if that's ok 

Hi CactusFlower - thanks so much, and I definitely like those gentle hugs too - thank you 

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14th May 2022

I've had a few things to deal with socially this week, and am just glad that they're over now.  What I've realised is that I can cope better if I arrive at a place earlier than the meeting time, and then I can walk around that place, maybe pretend to look at flowers and things in a garden, and think about any thoughts that pop into my head, and try to respond to them with calming replies.  What I found would take me about twenty minutes to feel as if I was present, is now better for the extra preparation time - although I'm aware that having the luxury of that extra time is something that also needs to be worked into the schedule!  But I am finding it to be something that is better.

Feeling 'clunky' as I write this - aware of so many words that feel like they're tripping over each other and not being smooth.  Never mind, keep going.

My partner told me that I physically pushed him away in my sleep one night this week - he said it wasn't too bad, but he had been surprised.  I didn't have any memory of doing that.  He told me that I am responsive now to him when he speaks my name, to calm me, if he thinks I'm having any kind of difficulty in the night - verging on night terrors or bad dreams, and he said it does calm me.  This is much better, and I haven't experienced any night terrors in recent couple of weeks - so this is good.

I have a person who wants me to give my reasons for why I've said 'no' to something, and I really don't want to explain my reasons - I ended up saying 'I have lots of reasons' and she wasn't able to ask me further, due to the situation at the time, but I think she will ask me again next time she gets the opportunity and I already foresee that it will cause a horrible scene if I try to explain things.  I don't want to give my reasons, as I think she will label me in some way, and she won't understand.  I want to say something like - I don't find it very easy to say 'no' - and on occasions when I do, then I don't like to have to give explanations etc, as the very fact of saying no is difficult.  But I do wish to say 'no' to that, and hope you'll accept that decision.  But I still feel she'll insist on wanting to know why.

I've just remembered that I felt as if there was another part of me that I noticed when I woke up this morning, it felt as if my body had been 'well used' by a part of me that had really exhausted me - my limbs felt stiff and as if I'd been doing stuff that was physically really tiring.  I also noticed that I felt as if I was facing some kind of existential crisis, whereby I felt like life just wasn't worth living, and 'what was the point' - and yet I don't feel like that - but I recognise that there IS a part of me that feels just like that.  That feeling/thought stayed with me for a while in the morning, but I was glad to that I was able to unblend from it and that I have been able to get on with things in the day, and feel as if life has purpose and meaning.  So that's good.  But I recognise that part, and wondered whether it's 'grief' that made me feel that way, or something else.

Glad to have written these things, and right at this moment, I feel like my words are flowing faster and more smoothly, that clunking feeling has gone.  I like that.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i like it for you too, hope, altho i really didn't find anything clunky about the first part of your post.  i like the idea of getting to someplace early, scope it out, get the feel of it and allow yourself to feel more comfortable within the environment.

as far as not giving reasons for a 'no', you have every right to do that.  a couple things i've found helpful is 'i'm not comfortable talking about it' and if they insist further, 'it's personal, and i'm not comfortable talking about it right now.'  if they persist after this, like asking 'when?' a vague 'i'm not sure, but if i ever do i'll let you know'.  usually they give up after that.  this kind of pressure seems unfair to me to put on you. you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable saying, and you don't have to give reasons for your discomfort either.  it's not their business.  sending love and a hug filled with non-explanatory 'no's'.   

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Your reply was very helpful to me, thank you.  I have those statements in mind for when the likely questioning will happen - I still think it will happen - but being reminded that I have choices about what I can say or not say, and that I have rights to privacy, those things help.  Thank you 

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18th May 2022
I'm aware that during the day, I've been thinking of things that I'd like to write here - but somehow when I get here to write them, then my mind is blank, and I can't recall the content of what I wanted to say.  So that's interesting.  Maybe I should jot things down, and then summarise them here.  I wonder if it's resistance.

I was just reading something that Bach had written in someone else's journal, which was about being Self, and driving the bus, and having all the parts on the bus as a happy family - and that being a vision of recovery - and I don't know how to bring that quote over here in the exact words Bach used, but I really really loved what Bach wrote - and it's my vision of recovery too.  I wouldn't want my parts to integrate and blend/disappear - I'd like them each to be able to enjoy living on the same bus (in the same body/space) and all feel comfortable to live and breathe and enjoy future life.  I hope that's possible.  I think it is.

I've been thinking about Blueberry, and wondering how she's doing.  I miss you Blueberry!  I also wonder how ThreeRoses is. 

For some reason, as I sit here and think - I get the vision of a wide open rooftop, and it's as if I'm sitting there, and feeling as if I can't find a way down, or a way to know what steps to take next.  Maybe that's why I've not been reading much self-help literature lately - how I've not been looking at any of the various courses I'd paid for and not finished watching.  I've had quite a few things to deal with lately, and little time to focus on reading, so maybe that's also part of it. 

Anyway, I think it's interesting that the vision is in an open space, under the sky, rather than being in a room in the dark.  I can see things beyond that roofspace, and maybe that's a positive thing.

I have no idea now, why I'm writing this, but I'll leave it there, as I don't want to censor what's come out. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

well done on not censoring yourself, hope.  you're showing more progress with each post. 

i'm missing members of this forum as well this past week.  i hope they're doing well.

sometimes when i write, i just let the words flow, not always understanding why.  however, on several occasions, they've sparked something previously hidden in my mind, bringing it up to consciousness.  i think there's always some kind of reason, even if we don't always know it right away.  love and hugs, my dear

[Not Alone]

Hope, you have the right to say "no" without giving reasons. I hope the possible responses that San gave you are helpful.