Hope's Journal: 2022

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Sending a hug to you and your parts if that's ok. Maybe it can be frustrating to not be able to write so much, but your parts have a reason for wanting to keep you safe. I hope you're able to reassure them and give them some comfort about what you're doing. 

dolly

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, Hope.  I get not always wanting to write. We know you're with us and we're here with you, writing or not.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee and Dollyvee - thank you both so much 

Hi Blueberry and CactusFlower - Just saw your replies too, thank you so much . 

**********
Trigger warnings - not sure what I'll write today
14th November 2022
I think I've been making more realisations and links about my experiences in life and my trauma.  Therefore it's felt more like a roller coaster of emotions in recent weeks.  What's helped me to process these things has been a discipline of meditation and being present twice a day to calm my nervous system and scan my body, and I have also been using 'dot-to-dots' more often to enable me to think about 'past things' whilst focusing my brain on connecting the dots - and it's enabled me to stay present and not get re-traumatised.  I wrote in my journal (paper journal) "Small things can cause triggers that really hurt/affect my vulnerable parts.  But being able to recognise it, and also continuing to have regular meditation and connection sessions with my parts - that is stabilising and helpful.  I do feel more grounded and stable as a result of that practice."

I've also been using Facebook reunion sites for the various schools I attended in the past (of which there are several schools) and looking for names I recognise or putting names I remember in the search engine.  The weird thing is that I've not been able to find anyone I actually know/remember - this makes me wonder whether the people I knew were kind of 'transient' and didn't stick around with the school.  I've noticed that when I read about the reunions, and hear what the people say who attend them, that I feel a sense of jealousy that they've been able to maintain friendships across the years, and didn't have to leave friends and lose contact.  But I also wonder whether there are many people in that situation - i.e. whether what appears to be 'jolly' is actually that way, or just what people write in social media situations to appear as if they are popular.  So there's a cynical part of that there I guess.

I also looked at year photos - scanning them to see if I could see myself or anyone I knew - and the result of that is to make me realise how young children look at particular ages, and how differently I felt at such an age - not being clear about just how young I was. 

Unfortunately I don't have many photos of myself as a child - so I can't easily look back - there are a few, and I have looked at those, but there's one particular album that I feel sure has been 'misplaced' by 'me' when another part of me might have been 'driving my bus' and making me 'lose' that album.  I wish I knew where it was, as I would like to see it.

I read a book called "The Buddha & The Borderline: A Memoir" by Kiera Van Gelder - I was impressed by her life and her experiences and enjoyed the book.  I found it very positive in the outcome.  Glad I read it.  She described her book on the front cover as 'my recovery from borderline personality disorder through dialectical behaviour therapy, buddhism and online dating'.

I was looking at my journal today, and noticed that I'd written this: "It annoys me that I feel as if I've done something wrong in relation to how things have turned out with my biological family.  I wish I could shake that feeling off and reassure and comfort myself and tell myself that I faced some difficult situations."

I also wrote "Yesterday part of me thought about the fact that my Dad is dead.  He's died.  Sometimes I don't think that reality has really hit me."

I've been able to express some anger in my paper journal - "I feel some anger towards my parents.  They never explained anything to me.  They assumed that I didn't remember things.  They made it taboo to talk about many things.  I feel angry about this."

I've been concerned about gaps in memory - especially regarding any sexual memories with exes.  It's as if there's a part that literally rubs out these memories - won't let me access them.  But, it's dififcult then to know if anything untoward was going on.  I noticed when I wrote this in my paper journal that I literally had stomach pains.  Maybe I hold tension when I think about this. 

(Right now, I'm looking through my paper journal - just writing a few things across - I don't know whether I'll keep the paper journal - I might tear pages up - but for now, I'll just transfer a few things here).

I wrote "I flashback to remembering an issue with my neck, almost like a whip-lash feeling and my Dad holding me down and my struggling against that - wonder was he resonding to a night-terror, or was he the cause of that struggle."

Interesting that I feel some anger as I write this - which I think is directed towards my Dad.

Something else I wrote in my paper journal: "Having to keep secrets and lie to maintain secrets.  Teaching a child to do that - it's not healthy.  Fragmentation happens.  It's protective.  A way to survive."

As I've been writing those things, I've noticed in the back of my mind, that I feel more angry towards my Mum.  I feel sure she must have known things weren't right and she just looked the other way.  Didn't care enough to do anything.  I feel sure she would deny there was anything untoward going on.  She would deny it.

Anyway, I feel ok now.  I wrote the above, and it feels ok that it's in my journal. 

Hope 

[milkandhoney11]

Hi Hope,
I am so sorry to hear about all of this, it must feel terrible to be worrying about all these strange memories and wonder what really happened at that time.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have never been sexually abused but there has been quite a lot of physical and emotional abuse in my family, which I am only very slowly coming to terms with. I used to try and make excuses for my parents' behaviors, but recently I have been getting quite angry at them for the way they treated me. It feels terrible to think about all the times my father has physically or emotionally hurt me as a child, but I'm finding it just as difficult to come to terms with the fact that my mother never did anything about it at all. Looking back I am finding it incomprehensible how she never tried to protect me or my sister when we were beaten up, so I completely understand your anger towards your mum and dad.

I think very often in this society anger is seen as something bad that we need to overcome as quickly as possible, but in the case of people like us who suffer from CPTSD I actually believe that it can be very helpful. I guess it is impossible to know exactly what happened in the past, but the truth is that it negatively affected you and that you are feeling traumatised, so you certainly have the right to feel angry and put the blame back on your parents. It's okay to acknowledge how much your parents made you suffer and I hope that this will bring you some peace because you can stop blaming yourself all the time and start understanding that none of this is your fault...

Not sure if that makes sense to you, it's just something I am going through myself at the moment and thought you might be able to relate based on what I have read in your journal so far...
Sorry if this doesn't apply to you

[sanmagic7]

dear hope, what a lot of memory to process, so much feeling and realization.  i think your anger is more than justified - everything you said about lies and secrets being forced into a child's mind, a child's life is so true.  i'm so very glad you were able to write all this out and feel better afterward.  you've come such a long way, hope.  may i encourage you to keep going - you've got a lot of life to live.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciated reading your reflection.  The journey into memory is interesting- I think I would have that struggle too.  I wish you well on your journey and on integrating thing.

[Armee]

Sending comfort and an open invitation to the blanket fort San helped me set up, as you let yourself know what you know when you are ready.

Safe hugs if they are wanted...

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, Hope. That's a lot to process, but it sounds like you're making some important discoveries as well. You have every right to be angry and for as long as you feel the need to. I think gathering in a blanket fort sounds like a great idea for us!

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Want to send you some hugs if you want them. I'm glad that you were able to express anger and that you're able to process a bit where that anger comes from. I also don't think it was fair for your parents to try and limit you, and ask you to keep secrets. It wasn't fair and I understand why you might feel so conflicted about expressing yourself around people. I hope you continue to find a safe place to do so. 

That's great that your meditation practice is going well 

dolly

[sanmagic7]

hi, hope, thinking of you.  sending love and a hug full of care.   

[Not Alone]

Hope, you are processing a lot. I want you to know that I care.

[Hope67]

  to all of you who kindly wrote here, I appreciated what each of you said so much.  Thank you 
Hope 

[Hope67]

9th December 2022
I am relieved to be writing here again, as I had really struggled to come here to write in recent days, and then discovered it was weeks!  I don't think I can even try to describe how it's been, but the good thing is I'm here again and able to write.  I am pleased about that.  It feels good to be here again, and I hope to reconnect with people here again.  Catch up with things in people's journals.  Feel like I've been distant.  But it's been difficult to cope with my own turmoils within - although I think much of that is to do with 'feeling more'.  I'm not so used to that.  But I see it as a good thing.  Because feeling things more means all emotions. 

Hope 

[Armee]

 

I'm glad you're here, and if it's helpful to share, that you are able to do that with ease. Feeling all the emotions does feel like ultimately it will be a good thing, but we haven't really built up a tolerance yet. It sure does take practice to know how to feel things that have been shut off for so long.