Hope's Journal: 2022

[Blueberry]

It's good to see you back Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

So good to see that your storm is calming down. That's how I look at our longer term EFs.  A non-believer of PTSD would just call us "choosing to let things bother us."  But I am a believer in the truth about PTSD and I know that you and I don't "choose" any of this.

So when the dark times start to overpower us, (and most people know the Holiday Season brings a lot of darkness to a lot of people), I've personally stopped taking responsibility for "choosing" to be depressed or anxious. I call the weeks of depression, confusion and anxiety, a storm. Storms come when they come. We can't control when they start, how intense they become, nor when they end. For me, the best thing I can do is hunker down and weather the storm. If it takes me off the forum for a while, then so be it. The storm will last for as long as it lasts and then it will mysteriously leave when it does. The caring souls on this forum are always quick to welcome us back.

Your return to the forum, makes me envision your weeks-long storm is ending and I hope very much that you are beginning to feel some relief and rest from having been through it.

I'm so glad to see you back online. Like I'm glad when I see anyone finally getting over the flu, or a hurricane, I feel connected to everyone on the forum and I'm always hoping your storms, along with my own storms, end quickly and safely.

[sanmagic7]

glad you made it back, hope.  i agree - having these emotions come up can be daunting, upsetting, and disturbing.  they can knock us off our center.  you're not alone - i go thru periods of distress cuz of emotions also.  i know it's making me more human and more whole to have, like you said, all kinds of emotions.  we'll keep going, shall we?  right beside you, my dear.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I resonate with the more emotions of all kinds that come up as we feel more.  I hope you find ways to support and experience all that is coming up.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Sending you a hug Hope that's ok.

dolly

[CactusFlower]

Glad to see you back! Gentle hugs if you want them and take it at your own pace. We're still here.

[Hope67]

Thank you everyone 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
That is serendipity, I just wrote in your Journal, and then saw your lovely hug here - thank you!
Hope 

[Hope67]

28th December 2022

I looked back recently at my journal from 2018, and re-read things that I'd written and also responses from people in the forum, and wanted to just summarise a few 'reflections' I've had at the end of this 2022 journal, in preparation for starting my 2023 journal.    I am going to mention the names of the forum members who kindly replied to me – and hope that they don't mind my doing that – but it will help my recollection to have their names alongside the different reflections.

These notes may not make sense to anyone reading them, they are literally for my processing and recollecting.  They are helpful to me in terms of processing and going over things.   My process in writing them was to hand-write some things, and then today I'm re-typing them, and then pasting the result to this journal.  I've made it sound more complicated than it is! 

Anyway, here are my 'notes' and recollections from the previous journal.

I'd been reading about John Bradshaw and he mentioned 'feeling kind of work' - and SanMagic had said "when those feelings come to us at such a visceral level that they're not always readily available to be recognised right away' - I related to this very much.

Janina Fisher's meditation circle was another tool I found (and still find) really helpful – although I don't participate in it as regularly as I would like to – it can be rare, but I do meditate more now and communicate with parts that way too.  But mentioning this 'meditation circle' reminds me to try to include all parts in that more regularly.   

Realisation: Something I also find helpful is to listen to inner critic voices as tools for learning and undertanding, as opposed to previously being scared of those voices and wanting to repress them.

'Goodbyes' or transitions – have always been triggering and emotive for me.  Asserting privacy – felt like an 'alien' thing to do.  Incredibly hard thing to do.

Blueberry mentioned the concept of JADE – don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain – so helpful.  Learning to be empowered.

I noticed in May 2018 that I felt as if I was responsible for other people's feelings – having been tuned into FOO and walking on eggshells for much of my childhood and adulthood.  Prey to their questions.  Feeling as if they want to know all about you... invade your soul...  How can I trust them, when I can't trust my own FOO' - but recognising that as a part of me that doesn't trust, and is from the past, and that maybe there are different ways to be.

Something SanMagic said about having boundaries run over without consent many times, and she mentioned the MidWest culture being one of 'justifying' and the British culture being one of 'explaining' - that made sense to me.  Deep Blue said to me 'Keep setting those boundaries' - and that was such an emotive feeling - I.e. someone CARES.

Sceal mentioned that 'everyone feels out of sorts and not okay when their boundaries have been stepped over or broken down.'  Sceal also helped me realise that my tendency to turn to a 'cup of tea' is helpful in terms of getting me out of a dissociative state and be able to process mixed feelings a little bit further.

Realisation: Boundaries are important, and cups of tea do help.

Parts communicate via 'images' 'thoughts' and 'glimpses of pictures'.

My partner commented in 2018 that my M&F had been 'incredibly toxic' and my partner thinks that I can't get in touch with my anger because they brain-washed and groomed me' - he literally used those words.  Re-reading that now, in 2022, close to 2023 – I realise that I have begun to feel some anger.   

In June 2018 I was thinking of my disorganised early attachment to my M – Carolyn Spring's course about attachment had helped me with this realisation.  I was also using Janina Fisher's suggestions of taking the exiled parts under my wing and caring for them.  I was in the middle of this kind of work, and my partner had said 'Are you re-traumatising yourself today?'  He doesn't tend to say that now (in 2022) because I think maybe seeing me getting more centred and stronger in myself – maybe that shows that these days when it's tougher and less stable, are worth it – to see through to being stronger.

I was writing in 2018 about having protector parts and 'eraser parts'  Also an 'in limbo' part.  Blueberry validated the 'in limbo part' for me – as she related to it.  Deep Blue had commented on the eraser part in terms of putting a 'motherly' protection on it – can't remember the exact words, but it was meaningful to hear that.

Noticed also that I felt never able to 'enjoy' accomplishing things – for a fear that something would go wrong.  I think Blueberry said something like 'part of you feels threatened by feeling' and I related strongly to that.

Realisation: Part of me DOES feel threatened by feeling.

Libby helped with sharing her thoughts that positivity followed by negative feelings was something she also related to.  She spoke of 'childhood conditioning, where everything we did or didn't do, was always absolutely wrong'

Something Blueberry said in July 2018 'If the answer isn't definitely 'Yes' then it's 'No' - she said it was a saying she'd picked up in Healing.  I found that so helpful and still do when considering decisions and decision making.  SanMagic sazid 'We really don't know how any person might react to something we say or do, all we can control is our intent, and if your intent is self-care, which is really important, then you need have no guilt over how she might choose to feel.'  SanMagic also said 'Go slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve' and said 'I would guess it could be difficult terrain at times'

I keep wanting to re-read properly the book by Mary Bratton 'Survivors of Childhood Abuse' - I mention it again here, as it is still something I'd like to do, but part of me is reluctant – and I can't locate where the book is just now – I think part of me hides it.

Sceal reminded me 'Reading fictional books is good! Perhaps you should pick one up more often than you do, to relieve your brain from all of the self-help books.  Entertainment and relaxing is just as an important stage of healing as doing therapy.'

Realisation: Allowing time, to process and rest, and also mix it up – enjoyable things, plus processing difficult things – do both.  Get the balance right.

Noticed that when I write something, I DON'T tend to feel anything, but when I read it back, THEN I feel things!

Sceal helped me with regard to night terrors, when she said 'Night terrors – Research show that it's mostly common not to remember night-terrors, except for perhaps the emotion itself.'

******

I had to take a break as re-reading my written notes brought up some strong emotions – hence I want to write these things, as they feel important.  I was re-reading notes taken from October 2018's journal, and Deep Blue was responding to some things I was saying about my Littles and when I'd tried to do some drawing, and had experienced difficulties with that. 

I noted these comments: 'needy littles lacked love' 'starved of it, so they need some to make up for that now.'  'Littles asking for love and attention now because they didn't get it back then.'

Deep Blue said 'YOu can reassure your Littles that if the drawing gets scary you can stop.'  SanMagic also commented that when she'd tried an inner child exercise that a lot of rebellion had come out, and it had felt non-relaxing.  She mentioned using non-conventional colours, like a blue carrot.  SanMagic said 'Some of your Littles are scared of what might happen if you break the silence so they get upset, even angry' (that really evokes emotion in me, even as I re-type it – so I believe that SanMagic has really pinpointed something meaningful there – thank you SanMagic!)

Deep Blue said this, and I find this SOOOO helpful too 'I think we all have chapters of our book that we don't need to read aloud.  You get to choose what you share with others.  You shouldn't feel guilty about it."

That was as far as I got in going over my 2018 notes in my journal here in the forum – I wrote hand-written notes about a month ago, and today I've just typed up the notes to put in my 2022 journal – hence I'm re-processing these things in this way, and I find that very helpful.  But the only thing is I feel 'behind' as I know I'm in 2022 now.   

That feeling of being 'behind' it's a theme that follows me through my life – it's like there's always something unfinished, undone, unprocessed, etc.  I guess that's the fragmented aspect of trauma.  So many fragments, so many perceptions from different fragmented parts, how to attempt to make anything whole – is it possible?

I'll just take this and paste it into my journal now.  Hope I can do that.  Hope people don't mind that I mentioned some names from the 2018 journal, but I felt that people's input was so helpful to me and wanted to write it as was said.

[Armee]

 

This is an amazing thing to do Hope. You have shown so much bravery in writing here and I'm inspired to think about doing something similar. 

[Not Alone]

It's a lot of work, time and emotions, to go over that time period. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Thank you, it's felt like a useful thing to do.   
Hi Not Alone, Yes, I think it is - more than I realised.   
Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much 

********
29th December 2022
I've been doing some sorting through of papers at home, and trying to tidy up and get more organised.  I think I did ok - things look a bit tidier and I found some things I needed.  So that was good.

I tried to do more re-processing of my journal from 2018, but have given up on it for now, as it causes my left eye to hurt quite a bit - like I've got some kind of ocular migraine going on - just the left eye.  I don't like it.  I also feel like I've got a sore throat now as well - so I'm wondering whether I should take a Covid test - or just see how I feel tomorrow.  Maybe I'll do that.  Wait till tomorrow.

I've noticed that I've had more critical parts of myself surfacing, and snapping a bit at my partner - he commented on it today - said I had been narky - actually I've just thought, does that mean he thinks I'm a narc?  Or narcissistic?  I sometimes fear that part of me has narcissistic traits, because that part does like to do things in a very perfectionistic way, and not make mistakes.  I was reading that Papa Coco said he can recognise narcissim very easily, and I fear that maybe he'll see it in me, and think I'm narcissistic - but I think maybe only a small part of me is.

I feel silly now - saying that.  I want to delete it - but I've promised myself not to delete thing I write, just let them be.

I found that I had a really emotional reaction when re-reading something that Deep Blue had said - in my journal in 2018 - she had said that if her little boy had an upset tummy then she would cuddle him and give him peppermint.  I found that such a loving and motherly thing to do, and I felt like it was really lovely that she was such a great mother to her son.  I felt the profound loss/lack of that kind of care for myself as a young child.  I didn't feel that love or care from my own M.

Suddenly I remember a dream I had a couple of nights ago, and I had somehow been asked to look after a young child whilst at a party (in the dream) and somehow the child was wrapped inappropriately in some kind of plastic kind of sack, and then the child couldn't breathe and I feared that she would die.  It was a scary and unsettling and upsetting dream in that respect.  I wondered whose child that was, and why they were featuring in my dream, and why I had taken on the role of trying to look after them.  I clearly didn't do a good job of looking after them, as they nearly died!

I really want to pop into other people's journals in the coming days, and catch up there - because I feel like I've been more self-absorbed this past few days - and trying to get through Christmas and things that I've been doing to prepare for that, and cope with that.  It's felt over-whelming sometimes, but it's been ok! 

I do however think about different people here in the forum, at different points in the day - and so I feel connected to forum people and feel supported by those connections. 

Hope 

[Armee]

Im so happy to see you writing first in your journal before going on to others' journals. I notice a lot of times you write a lot first in others journals and then don't get much to your own. And it makes me happy you are taking care of yourself first.

I had the same reaction to watching and reading things about narcissism. When I mentioned that to my T after he sent me a video on gaslighting I worried he really meant I was a gaslighting narcissist. He reassured me that I was not and anyone who thinks they may be a narcissist after watching a video like that definitely is not a narcissist. There is not a single thing you have ever said or done here that would make anyone think you even had a single narcissistic trait, let alone a narcissistic personality disorder. You are kind and gentle. The opposite of a narcissist. I'm sure your husband meant snarky or nippy or something like that.