Tea's Journal

[tea-the-artist]

Kind of just going with the flow. I've been thinking about the forum for a few weeks now.

My relationship with foo seems to be near impossible to manage, and the frustrations are turning my quick tiny blips of anger into longer ones. Anger has never been for me, even with work I get angry for 2 seconds and think about how maybe there's something wrong with me or something I'm not doing.

The last call I had with my parents has drawn some anger out that has been untapped for over a decade. More than the anger I felt when I moved away. I don't feel bad for the words I used, I don't feel the shame I felt when I left them. I feel the sadness of not being fully acknowledged by my parents and brother, the sorrow of them shoving my hurt aside to make room for their pain.

i told my therapist I wished my dad wasn't around, because maybe it'd be easier to reform some relationship with mom. even now I don't know if that's true. all they want to do is tell me how they hurt, and i simply don't care. im sure in some way that is how my dad feels, but i also don't care. i've done a lot to get them to see me, so we can potentially move forward. but i won't move forward while being ignored, while the children i was in the past go ignored and receive empty apologies.

dad said i was being hateful for wanting him to feel the pain and sorrow i felt. i don't care.
--

i'm seeing my therapist half as much now until i can find work, so maybe posting here in the meantime will help. i painted something sad yesterday while on the phone with a best friend. there's something about having a found family as someone who struggles with complex trauma, where despite the unconditional love there is still some detachment. particularly when you're essentially adopted into another already established family of origin. i wish i was able to tell my friends about this, the feeling like an outsider sometimes. but my own disconnection from my foo growing up probably predetermined my relationship with future found families.

during our sessions i remind myself that i'm the dad now, and that i have a responsibility to care for them in the ways my parents failed. i don't believe my dad and i will genuinely have any sort of relationship that doesn't make me wary of his sincerity. i'm just not interested in trusting he can change and willingly take responsibility for his treatment of me without trying to justify or minimize the damage.

--

going into the new year didn't feel like anything. i've spent the last seven days playing video games and job searching and feeling pretty low about myself. even the painting commissions aren't helping much.

i can sense myself returning to what i perceive are obligations by others, but i know they're my own expectations. i was doing very well just showing up, coming and being as I am for the past handful of months. it was such a relief to not have to feel like i need to be this or that to be worthy and valid. 17, my teenage inner child, just yelling "who the BLEEP cares?! why are you bothered why do you care?" and understanding she's right, and i love the feeling of telling her she's right. it's one less thing for me to worry about, and Little One (one of the younger inner children) can go about playing freely and we don't have to try to perform for anyone. just remembering the feeling makes me want to keep working at it.
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inner child work has been immensely helpful in therapy, and being able to clearly, concretely visualize each child has been so great! little one with her four braids and the dress from kindergarten, 17 and her buzzed hair, piercings and spiked bracelets and her scowl. there is siren, who i used to picture as a tiny flame child i could hold in my hand, now presents themself as a smaller child whose face is made of signal waves. i'm sure there are others. but knowing them and seeing them and feeding them makes healing feel true.

--

i want to work on tapping into a fight response, and be more assertive. i was never taught the words for when someone wrongs me, or when someone says something they shouldn't. so I hope I can channel some of 17's frustrations and learn to speak up more.

[tea-the-artist]

Yesterday I realized I've been having post holiday blues, after having pre-holiday blues and holiday blues. I texted a friend about feeling so tired, and they reminded me that I've been doing a lot lately, making and getting gifts for friends, dealing with apartment stuff. it always takes someone else to remind me how tired I am.

i remember about two years ago early in therapy I recounted what hypervigilence felt like. all the small everyday sounds i heard like my friends footsteps (and differentiating between the two), cupboards closing, cars honking and doors closing. a dish in the sink. etc etc and my therapist responding "that must be so exhausting" and I'd never thought of it that way. i still think about it every so often. i didn't know it was wearing me out.

but now I feel tired and perhaps I'm in the post holiday aftermath of just wanting to dissolve a bit so I've been playing video games almost incessantly, anything to not feel anything. i know it's not helpful to Siren, and i can feel that alarm going off, the childlike tugging on the bottom of my shirt. needing something. i know. i try to sooth siren when i'm going to bed because it's the only time i give myself to feel aware of myself.

i feel so tired i just cry, the way i think babies cry when they can't find away to soothe themselves to calm and sleep. at the same time, there's an unnamed anxious part that knows i have 70 things to do or figure out, and that every day something gets added to the list.

but i remember it was helpful to create brain dump lists. sometimes when im overwhelmed with unwritten tasks, every day something seems to be added because i can't fully recount what needs to be done without looking at a list. so i'll do that now actually.
--

Just writing everything helps a little bit. Every week of practicing shortens my realization/reaction time. It took a long time to even be able to talk to and respond instinctively to hurting inner children. My therapist and I are really proud of my knack for being in a place where I can focus on acknowledging them and their needs, even if fulfilling those needs takes time. I know that's OK too. I'm afraid of going back to a mainstream 9-5 and losing myself to flight responses again. The benefit of living alone for me is that I can cry whenever, and don't feel the need to be funny or easygoing. I just am however I am, even when it hurts.
--

One of my last sessions therapist asked me if I felt guilty about leaving my brother behind. I said I didn't. And I don't. I used to, so badly, but I understand nothing I did was a betrayal to him. Not after everything we've been through. It also isn't fair to me to feel guilty for choosing myself over maintaining a toxic home. I feel sad and betrayed by him, but right now my priority is my self work. I can wait for him, sure, but I won't stop and hesitate in my growth in hopes that I will feel love from my family.

[paul72]

hi tea-the-artist

Thank you for sharing ... I just want you to know I relate to so much of what you wrote (but never put into words-so thank you)
I was never taught the words for when someone hurt me either...
I hope you can tap into that fight response - and thank you for giving me something to consider here.
I hope you can find some peace and rest today.

[tea-the-artist]

yes absolutely phil! when everyone else around us was allowed to feel anger, and stole that right to the emotion from us, it's really challenging to feel safe in engaging in feeling anger. whenever I attempted self protect, I was wrong, had no reason to be angry. ungrateful.. etc. 

[tea-the-artist]

was just on the phone with pansy this evening she showed me funny videos of her students teaching her animal facts   super cute!

was going to text earlier that I wasn't feeling great and wanted to talk next week instead... haven't been able to rest much today, just playing games which is understandable. and my sleep has been very poor. I'll try again tomorrow. I know to be kind to myself, but it feels frustrating always having to try again and again. I want to be more focused and energetically caring for myself and my home but I'm just tired. Still afraid of getting a new job and completely abandoning myself like when i worked the 2 jobs to save up for this apartment.

but I'm glad i got to talk with pansy. we like to just virtually have each other's company, while she works on teacher stuff, and I work on paintings and we're both quiet sometimes for a half hour and then sometimes super chatty!

sometimes i feel an initial dread when i get up the day we're gonna chat. i talked to therapist about it and they said it likely comes from always feeling like something's expected of me. and that feeling tires me out as an adult and makes me feel antisocial. but they also said that's normal for me. i am remembering again that nothing is expected and that I am free to be as I am and say whatever I feel like talking about just like pansy can. and every call I feel happy that we chatted. I'm glad it's a routine for us. I appreciate the distance we have after living together with MG, her brother for three years. for some reason it's easier and i feel less pressure when we video chat.

--
that reminds me of a great thing! over thanksgiving pansy and MG came up to visit me and their family and it was great! i was so fearful of reverting to old habits of staying in my head and being overly aware of my quietness. but i didn't! i constantly reassured myself that I just had to show up. didn't need to overperform and be funny and interesting. 17 i think was very thrilled to not have to put on a show.

i did feel guilty for not having a present for MG, but i reminded myself that it was pansy's birthday presents. and that's not weird.

but Thanksgiving was a great success!  very happy my inner kids trusted me

--
i really want to feel closer to MG but the distance hasn't been so kind to us. maybe I'll write more tomorrow.  *screen headache*

[tea-the-artist]

MEH today

I was really hoping today would be great and feel great. Even went out to a recent favorite bakery for a breakfast sandwich and pastry, and my favorite starbucks drink. but i knowingly missed the bus home, so I walked for 30 minutes almost slipped and fell numerous times because I guess salting the sidewalks along a popular shopping/cafe street doesn't make sense

I got so sleepy after eating so I took a nap, but found the energy to work on and email an oil pastel commission update. I feel sour about it. I'm not an accurate artist, so I hope I was able to capture some of the facial features. It needs more work. I like how the smile turned out. I'm sure the more I work on the face loosely, the better it'll turn out.

THEN moved to video games for a break. My downstairs neighbor has been coughing and hacking for the past few months a lot and despite understanding the potential health issues they might have, the sounds still drive me up a wall and I can feel the smaller inner child (therapist and I call her Flaming Squirrel Girl because she wears a squirrel costume and I visualize her emitting waves of fire) throwing a tantrum. I stomped around this morning in my boots before leaving. My reactions are really immature I know. I feel like it's intended against me and my discomfort but that's not fair. I felt this way when I lived with pansy and MG. The sounds of cabinets and doors closing was all targeted at me somehow. I don't know how to ignore it, it makes me gag and throw fits and talk loudly in response !!!!!!!!! UGH I hate that I do this no matter how much I try it's frustrating!!! The walls here are so thin. I did put music on earlier and it helped a little but I'm nervous the person across the hall can hear.

Good but sad news, Rose is moving to New Orleans. She asked about my moving plans but it's not likely until next year if I can secure a job soon. I was happy and then immediately sad. An emotional flashback for sure. I let Little One cry it out a few times and soothed her little hands. "Everybody's leaving me behind." I just wish I had the capacity to really hone in on my artist work to self market and paint and draw and sell and make stable income.

I know there's no catching up to do because I'm on my own route, at my own point due to trauma and due to my recovery pace that allows me the gain the victories that I deserved to have many many years ago. I don't want to work these pointless mainstream jobs. It's not for me.
--

I remember working at the restaurant last spring and finding myself so completely soulless. After the four shifts back to back day to night shifts over the weekends, I would walk into my main job completely dead and crying whenever a guest wasn't around. I don't want to go back to that.
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Another day I feel like I have a million things. I crossed things off the brain dump list. I just wrote another thing down. And a small sketch. I just feel so uninspired and empty and tired. I hate winter so much, the leaves on the trees are gone and died away and it's all ice and snow. Perhaps I'm not meant to be in this city. I know I can't force it..
--

I'm deciding I'm going to watch another of my favorite movies to look and vibrate with all the colors. Howl's Moving Castle is great for that. I think I also want to watch a scifi show, I know 17 has been feeling really thrilled by that lately, and I remembered it's my favorite genre, so I should of course consume more of it when I can.

I don't know if I have energy to make dinner. Maybe a quick microwavable thing. I know I'll be ok, hugs to myself for now was going to comment on some things but I want to take care of this first for now.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tea,

i do hope you find some comfort and support here.  you've recognized so much about yourself and your relationships - it can be a lot.  i do relate to playing video games just to get thru an hour or more, just to get away from the real world.  it can be a lot.  letting you know you are cared about.  sending love and a hug filled with peace to surround you as you continue moving forward, even if the path is crooked at times.

[tea-the-artist]

I meet with my therapist this week again (at last ) and I think I'm going to start moving our sessions towards anger or frustration. not to be aggravated every session, but maybe some inner child work is needed with 17. Anger and loneliness. It's beautiful and nice but sometimes really hard living alone. I wish I could be hugged by someone other than myself.

Feeling very low since rose told me about moving. my last friend left in the city, moving away this year. my thoughts are

why am i being left behind?
no one will be left here but me alone
(thought about my therapist talking about how having a relationship can help in those areas of needing intimacy)
no one would want this

that last one. I'm so sorry, I know that's not true. And more importantly I want me, all of these little and big parts. There's someone out there who would take your face in their hands lovingly and tell you you are worthy. For now I will do that for myself.

It's so hard.. the trauma and now the frustrating call makes me feel extremely unwanted and unlovable. my own parents don't even want to see themselves in the past causing pain onto a child they chose to raise. my own brother has not contacted me in years. he even blocked my number, at some point. I had to find out on his birthday in 2020. that hurt so much. I cried on the balcony. my friends didn't notice or approach me, and I couldn't bring myself to tell them.

to talk about wanting to move to anger, I still feel so small and unwanted now. Little One is very hurt so I think I need to lie down for a bit today.

I visualize her a lot, she carries the bulk of the emotions and reactions that express daily. Play, excitement, sadness and loneliness. Joy. There are inner nurturers, one of them is the "kind radiant" that is the disciplined side that takes care of the important adult stuff so that we are healthy, not running on empty. It can quickly sense inner children's needs and knows what to do to fulfill them. Things like taking a nap, getting the groceries, doing dishes. Never mean about it, always reassuring, like "You'll feel a lot better when you..." "If you do this now, you won't have to do it tomorrow when you might be even more tired."

It's shaped like how I used to visualize siren, except it's a much larger version of a flame headed being. In the oil pastel drawing, it has a warm slightly visible smile, radiating an abundance of light in a celestial like background. Arms open.

Visualizing the radiant makes me feel better. It was really healing drawing her for the first time. I guess her is the pronoun I'll use. I want to channel more of that energy she radiates. Never forceful in my healing, just a confident nudge. I think I feel it best when I remind myself that somehow, things are going to be OK. However they do.

I want to do a lot of things for recovery, but I easily feel overwhelmed. Maybe I will hold off on the angry therapy sessions for now. I will keep reminding myself that I don't deserve to feel this way because of my parents. And that I've put in so much effort to try to get to where we can move forward. But I can't move forward if my parents, my mom!!!!, if she's going to keep talking about how she will not be told she wasn't a good mom. It's not my job to tell her that.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you so much san i really needed to hear that today

[tea-the-artist]

(TW suicide mention, sorry i forgot to note this the other day)
browsing through the memory threads and wondering if my high school memories really are locked away. maybe by 17.

i'm always astounded by friends who remember so much, so many little details of high school. when they ask me who my teacher was, I really couldn't say. who the classmates or even friends were.

i know it was a really difficult four years, bro gone to dorm at college, always fighting with dad. unprotected by mom. I guess at this time I didn't have anyone at all. I never did. it really took until adulthood to really confide in someone.

i really don't think I can ever forgive my mother for not protecting me, for justifying the unwarranted rage time and time and TIME AGAIN as if the little teas could truly make sense of its need. All the times I was crumpled into a tiny little defenseless thing.

I think about you and I see you I really see you there, crying, fists scrunched, looking at the hard floors in their bedroom as dad screamed at you. I see the sadness and I see that you needed compassion, not a man screaming at you for his own breaking your trust and privacy to read your journals. Not his wife sitting there on the bed watching it all happen. You needed her to say "this is RIDICULOUS? Why are we even reading her journals! Who cares what she's writing, she's a kid! How can you scream at her, she's a teenager, she's figuring herself out. Why would you ever say this to our child? How could you say you'd rather kill yourself than her turn out to be gay? Do you not love your child?" You were too young to not be protected. I hate that so much I wish I could have gone and picked you up and carried you away from it all.

Like the hypervigilence comment, my T also said it seemed like I didn't have anyone to safe to confide in throughout the entire trauma. The vents to my friends in high school were rare and empty. I can't even remember what I'd told them. CPTSD out of context always feels petty, like I need to explain numerous things to be valid, but back then I didn't really think I was suffering, not as bad as bro.

Today I realize that protecting myself in a healing way includes feeding myself when I tell myself I can't be bothered to eat. Dad would "give me his last dime to eat" they always say but somehow I always felt shame feeding myself or asking for lunch money. The burden. I'm not a burden now and I definitely was not a burden as a child.

Tomorrow I will think about those horrible outbursts and write a letter to the younger teenage me and to 17 about what I would have done if I were in the room with them. What I would have realized they needed.

[tea-the-artist]

had a successful interview today and finally will be employed since august. hopefully I can wrap up floral and repainting commissions soon. i think I'm excited, just to have a job finally and not worry about paying rent. hopefully I make enough to cover. extremely thankful for myself for applying for benefits so groceries will also be covered huge thanks to the kind nurturer for helping me just do the things I need to do and stop fretting and freezing.

therapy session moved to tomorrow, which I think I'm ok with. I got to lie down for a bit feeling so sleepy but never napped. Therapy and IC work really has helped me instinctively and immediately fulfill needs like lying down when I feel tired, instead of powering through it. my headache is also gone. I've been having a lot of headaches lately. It doesn't help that my screentime is so high from the distractions. I'm making sure to hydrate and eat at least. zinnia helped me figure out low energy lunch things to buy so I ate an apple turkey sandwich and applesauce.

I'm not sure when I will understand and resolve my eating issues. there's something about the lunch time that, well now that I think about it, I flash back to high school. I do know why I "don't like eating lunch."

terrified of being a burden, whenever I ran out of lunch money I just wouldn't tell my parents. I'd go to school with no lunch and no money, and I'd just draw during lunchtime. sometimes my dad would know and get angry with me. I don't remember what he'd say. I was just too scared of that reaction, so any effort to not bring awareness to my lunch situation was important to me.

Asking for anything was too scary. Always has been too scary until recently. within the last year or so. It took a long long time while living with pansy and MG to ask for things.

I know now I deserve to eat, and feed the little ICs, of course 17 too. It's not that I don't feel hungry. It's a subconscious feeling or wave that comes over me at this time that masks the hunger. Something like that.
--

I read an old entry here from way back and felt so sad for who I was, where I was. The lack of independence and awareness of my situation. Living alone now, I've really come very far. It's something to be proud of when so long ago, six years ago, I was making excuses for my foo while being frustrated with the constant thrusting me back into worthlessness-feelings. "How can they do this to me time and time again!?" I'm so glad I'm away from that. Even if life isn't very easy now, I am away from the people who installed poor wiring within me since the beginning, that I now have to intently work at removing and rewiring altogether. And I can safely do it here, where I give myself at least the space to cry throughout the apartment when I feel low. I think it's ok if that's all I can manage sometimes.

[tea-the-artist]

still headaches this evening, but i've made my first home cooked meal (i think? my memory has been pretty bad) this week/month?

tomorrow I'll commit to staying off the computer and phone until my session. friends have sent soc media messages but I don't feel like checking them. it can wait until friday. tomorrow I'll tidy the room and do some watercolor painting since I'm still waiting on a client's feedback.

I'm afraid to try again but maybe I will try to ask 17 to guide me in the painting. it was really hard last week. painting something sad instead of flowers hurts. but I want to try more intuitive and expressive painting and I think she'd be really good at that. Doesn't have to be perfect. "Who the ** cares!??" she'd shout I agree

[sanmagic7]

tea, your story is unfolding in front of us, and it is a sad, yet jubilant story of someone coming from a place of pain and negligence to a place that is now beginning to show the range of strength and power needed to become your own person with your own, honored needs. 

no, you were not a burden, not then, not now.  the shame belongs on those who made you feel too scared to ask for what you needed and deprive yourself of basic nutrition, even now.  those messages can be strong at times, but you are showing they can also be overcome.  well done on cooking a full meal for yourself.  very well done.

keep it up, tea, even if you falter at times - you're showing such bravery and courage in picking yourself up from the rabbit hole you were put into by those responsible for your care, health, and wellbeing.  sending love and a hug full of support

[tea-the-artist]

san i really really appreciate your acknowledgement and feeling seen. I tried not to look back too much but it's strange how far away that all seems even though I'm still dealing with a lot of those issues. in a different place now, with tools (and the realization that I have tools and good people in the first place) to help me though

--

volunteered at the aquarium today. thinking I could take the next set of buses and trains I ended up 15 minutes late so I won't be doing that again. got up today with another big headache but I took something for it and carried on. my horticulture leader told me to check in with her before coming in, so I spent the whole day hyperfocusing on my error for not doing so but also the email I sent saying I'd be coming in and trying to remind myself nobody was annoyed or mad. just a "moving forward, can you.." short talk which I could feel Little One taking as "shame on you for not overstating that you were coming in today. I told her it's ok and not a huge deal, we'll figure it out when I start the new job

I got to spend time away from the phone and computer today like I said I would no headaches today so I'm thinking that must have been the issue. the hort lead suggested I get some blue light glasses to help, so I'll be doing that soon. she gave me a bunch of little porcelain bowls and the other lead gave me some gardening seed catalogs to take home

I wish it wasn't so far away, volunteering and getting up and going out especially after working and making art from home since september has really uplifted me and given me something tactile to do that I love! the ladies I work under are so nice..

--
Therapy was ok. T is sick so the already short session today was cut to 30 minutes I wanted to talk about some lonely feelings this week but could only bring up the job and rose moving. they said we can meet again next week though, so I should keep that in mind.

I took a huge two hour nap right after. I was sleepy on the train home and I after the session, I could tell I needed to just lay down. I can't remember anything about it, as soon as I hit the pillow I was out until dark. Very thankful nobody texted me

I also cleaned all the dishes from the past two days and that felt good. A nice nudge from inner radiant to just get it done cos I wanted dinner, and bypassed a "well maybe I'll wait till later" feeling.

So today was about practicing more instinctive needs-fulfilling

[tea-the-artist]

Got to thinking about 17 and drew her sitting on the step outside my parent's house, waiting for dad to come home. I hated those days, long long before I had a cellphone. Big source of abandonment feelings. They never thought to tell me to wait on the back porch so I could at least sit on a chair. Out of the western sun. They never gave me a key to the house. So many times I'd have to sit outside plain in sight after school waiting for him to drive up and open the garage.

I was talking to Zinnia about this a while ago and she mentioned I could have been easily kidnapped. That was really MESSED UP of my parents to never think to give me a key or something to prevent that. It really was * up the more and more and more I think about it. They never let me go to a friends house, not even my friend who lived just passed our bus stop.

My parents really sucked. It's a bizarre set of negligence that seems so wild to other people, and once normal to me. Negligence and of course abusive control. What better way to have all control over the ability of your child to come and go than to make up ridiculous reasons why they can't have a key.

"Someone is always home to let you in" NOT TRUE
"You're going to lose it, you always lose things" GREAT WAY to let your kid grow into feeling like the most incapable adult
"You don't need a key. What do you even need it for?"

Gosh they're so frustrating. The more I think about them the more tired I get. They're ridiculous for saying they did the best they could when they couldn't even do the bare minimum. They really freaking sucked. I think about mom telling me she won't be told she was a bad bleeping mom and I just shake my head. Maybe not in those exact words mom. But you really sucked.


I was feeling really sad about that memory, but after drawing myself hugging 17 on the front step, I just feel different. Not quite angry but just. Something. Like.. not unbelievable. Or incredulous. But the feeling of hearing my parents say they have nothing to be regretful of or ashamed of or whatever... and just shaking my head at them thinking they are fools.