Cannot feel positive emotion in body

[Redwing1972]

Hello all.....
I am 71 years old, done a lot of therapy, spent the past 4 years in specific trauma therapy SE plus talk therapy. My central issue is the same as it was  at the start of this round of therapy, not being able to feel positive emotion; joy, love, happiness etc, in my body. Bad stuff is easy; anxiety fear, sadness even anger to some extent. But no matter what I try I just cannot feel positive feeling emotion in the body. I do have the feelings/emotions in my head, mainly about music, nature, people are still not to be trusted.
     I finally did manage to get angry at my therapist yesterday for not being there when I needed her. I don't mean rage, but pure anger, an actual felt sense. I am beginning to wonder as I write this if the answer is that as I have repressed anger at hurt, I have also repressed joy, love etc.
   Also I am beginning to sense that at this age I am not going to "recover" from what ails me, and that I find is a bleak prospect. I was really hoping there would be some magic therapy that would free my positive feelings, that I would feel like a human being instead of a talking head, pretending to have emotions.

Oh well, I will take one breath at a time...
Thanks for being here....
Red

[bluepalm]

Hi Red, I'm 73 years old and have done a lot of therapy too. It has all helped me in various ways, but what has also helped so much is my own reading of books in the quiet of my home. Reading and reflecting and actively trying to take learning from writers who have experienced or studied relational trauma. Recently I've focused on Pete Walker's books, and I can highly recommend them if you haven't already discovered them.

In particular, I'm now reading slowly through Pete Walker's The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting forgiveness out of blame. I have already done the same with his later book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

Now I should say I was sceptical before I started reading this 'Tao of Fully Feeling' book, because I feel forgiveness is not something that abusers necessarily deserve and that 'forgiving' can actually be a form of denial and leave us feeling only more lonely and abandoned. However, he writes about opening up to feelings, about angering and about grieving and how doing this releases the positive feelings you feel you cannot access right now. He makes a lot of sense to me.

In therapy I have spoken about how I never confronted my parents or my husband for the abuse and abandonment I experienced from them. Part of me has felt pride in being so tolerant and 'turning the other cheek'. I'm realising that this pride is misplaced if I'm going to heal.

Pete's book has enabled me to break through that passive 'tolerance'. In these past few days I have relished and delighted in not just confronting my parents/husband in my mind but, for the first time, feeling my rage inside my body and expressing it by imagining killing my parents and husband over and over again with every weapon imaginable. And once they're cut into pieces, I reassemble them and start again! No guilt, just relishing the expression of long bottled up rage at cruel and merciless people. Doing this in my mind each time I think of my parents/husband has brought me a new sense of calm and even joy. Although I hasten to add that 'in real life' I have never taken up arms against anyone! 

I'm grateful to Pete Walker for all I've learned from him and for helping me feel free to express a range of feelings previously suppressed. I hope my story may give you some confidence that opening up to positive feelings is possible, even at our advanced ages.

[Redwing1972]

Hi BluePalm,
Thanks so much for this...I will look into the book. I did read the other one, will see if I am ready, sure feels like it...
all the best, stay well
Redwing