Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On

[paul72]

I guess I've always had the shakes...
I know about 20 years ago I was tested and it was called benign.
But I am noticing A LOT more shaking lately, especially at night.
Since I was very young, I played math and word games in my head until I fell asleep. (I'm now kind of proud of that little boy for the various ways he got through)
The recurring nightmare of my childhood through maybe my 20's is the memory I've been really focusing to remember for the past few years. I feel close to it now. Really close

I guess I am wondering about the shakes... and what might be causing it. My feet are almost running, the rest of me is essentially twitching pretty violently. I'm trying to notice exactly when it happens to help understand it. This is the best I can figure at this time:

A) I just can't ever stop - physically or mentally. I wonder if when my brain stops, my nerves start and that's what makes me shake before sleep?
B) Am I getting too close to a memory? It is always in the stillness.. I can be pretty decent at avoidance when I am not still.

It got pretty bad 2 nights ago.. I had a flashback (first one in a while).. it was just my dad saying how disappointed he was in me... the shaking inside was as bad as outside. I'm lucky my wife just holds me when I shake. It's just becoming really frequent.
If anyone has some clues, I would be grateful. To be honest, I never put shaking together with my ptsd. It's only because I've been concerned about it lately that I started looking it up and found that it is likely a symptom of that. I'm hoping I am near a breakthrough and not a breakdown
Thanks!

[Not Alone]

Phil, I don't know if my comments will be much help. I have felt very shaky with my cPTSD. For me it is usually internal. I hold out my hand and am amazed that it is still. I find that a weighted blanket sometimes helps when I feel shaky. I'm glad that your wife is holding you. Our bodies do hold and remember trauma.

(I'm now kind of proud of that little boy for the various ways he got through)

Absolutely!   

[Armee]

Hi Paul,

That sounds really intense! I think Pete Levine talks about shaking with the somatic experiencing when a trauma is resolving. Like the way an animal shakes things off. But it does sound maybe more like you are still in the reliving/processing stage of this particular memory.

I don't have much information about why but can say yeah, me, too. I get restless legs at night that feel like I am kicking. And just last therapy session right after a round of EMDR my therapist said something innocuous (commenting that the sound of a distant leaf blower was really loud) and I don't even know what happened I just closed down, huddled into myself, and shook for about 5 minutes. Maybe longer. Felt like 20.

I hope you get some rest soon, and your wife sounds amazing. I also hope this memory makes itself gently understood so you can process it and be done with this one.

[paul72]

Thank you Not Alone and Armee
I appreciate your kindness and understanding a whole lot!
The shaking has eased the last couple of nights.. I've really crashed hard those nights.. I'll take the sleep when it comes, that is for sure!!!

and your wife sounds amazing.

Yeah she really really is! 

[paul72]

What I love about this forum and all you wonderful human beings is that there's way more help here than anywhere else-- because it feels real to me.

This might have been written a year ago, but it pushed me to work on this in regards to my shaking. (thank you Oz):
"Its difficult to explain but now I can just sit doing body awareness and follow any sensations which might lead to twitching or unfamiliar body movements, these then sometimes lead to expressions of an emotion that wants to come out and can be quite liberating."

I've been trying to do this and last night I was able to so clearly name it as FEAR.
This morning I have been shaking so bad and it occurs to me that I am buckling with fear.
I don't know what to do with this but it feels like something that can be resolvable with work.
I shared this with my wife who didn't respond with my same level of enthusiasm at this new understanding. She's worried and kind of let me know how much worse I've gotten over the years (I was feeling full of progress- so kind of a gut punch)

It makes sense to me though, the fear.
Maybe I am getting worse... it is a reaction to triggers... and so much is triggering me right now all the time.
But I'm optimistic despite my wife's reservations... onward to learn how to resolve this fear. But I'll make a doctor's appointment too, for my wife's peace of mind
Thank you everyone for sharing and for being real 

[Kizzie]

Good for you Phil because the fear really does make sense.   

Hope things go well with the doctor. Let us know if you're so inclined. 

[paul72]

Thank you Kizzie for that validation.
Self-doubt sucks!! At least knowing it is reasonable to think this way REALLY REALLY helps

[Kizzie]

 

[Armee]

I think it is very reasonable that where you feel progress your wife senses that as being worse. I did not used to get hallucinations or feel quite so triggered before because everything was pent up in self hatred and just squashing every single little sensation. Now that I am healed enough to face what's going on, on the outside it looks worse. It looks like possibly a nervous breakdown. But it is not. It is a build up to being able to face things, heal, and move on in a healthy way.

I can imagine how hard it might be to hear your wife express that but also I feel confident that your open communication with her can clarify that you are going through to get to the other side instead of being stuck. Good luck.

[paul72]

Thanks Armee for sharing that... I appreciate that perspective a lot

I came to share but I'll try again tomorrow

[paul72]

My doctor gave me a prescription for escitalopram 10mg and told me I couldn't try to do this alone anymore, so I'm looking for a therapist too.
That was the start of my 50th birthday lol...
I have fought my whole life to not have a mental illness.
Just like I can remember as a kid digging my thumb nail into my finger all the time, wondering if it was all a dream, I remember telling myself 100's (likely 1000s) of times that I will not be crazy. What a horrible perspective but I forgive my ignorance because I was young and really just didn't want to be like my mother... it was her thing to make us question our sanity.
But turning 50 was already weighing on me.. and it is my first time taking meds.. I'm a stubborn mule tbh.
But I took my pill this morning.. and my doctor will follow up in 3 weeks. I search for a therapist now.
I was shaking like a leaf at the doctor's as he talked with me.. he was understanding and kind.
Part of me feels like a complete failure (for no reason I know) and the other half is proud of myself for accepting some help. It's very difficult to get any sleep lately.
I was supposed to have 3 days off but I'm stuck at work now, had to work yesterday a bit ; really everything went wrong yesterday on my birthday. My youngest girl looked at me last night and chuckled and said remember the Office... when Michael said "happy birthday Jesus, I'm sorry your party sucked"... we laughed and laughed but it really did sum up the day. I was thinking of sharing, maybe it would be comic relief, but it might be too soon
... onward and upward though 

[Kizzie]

Belated wishes Phil for happier, calmer birthdays as you recover. 

Kudos to you for giving yourself a great gift by telling your doctor, trying out a med and starting to look for a T.