Mary Anns Journal

[Mary Ann]

I'm not feeling too well today.
We were supposed to be travelling to stay with friends for a week, but the weather has been horrendous....the worst storms and floods for thirty years. Understandably my friends didn't want us to travel. This was a thing we'd planned for the last year and we're exited about.
The thing I find upsetting though is I suspect my friends are relieved we're not going.
I can't write about this today. I've fairly  level and regulated since starting antidepressants, but for the first time in weeks, I'm really low.
My elderly parents called the other day and said they had some spending money for my teenagers, because they were going on holiday...but they'd have to go round to collect it.
They are desperate to get my kids to spend time with them, and my children don't really want to.
It's a similar reaction to the one I've got, they wouldn't mind seeing something of my Dad, but my Mother is another matter.
I'd intended to go with them, and they only live round the corner, but I was asleep when they went, and didn't wake up in time,  even tho my son had shouted me.
The plan was that they'd go, have a quick cup of tea with them, say thank you for the pocket money and go home.
People in the wider community sometimes mention my Mother, how forgetful she's getting, how sorry they are for my Dad having to take care of her all alone.
While it's possible she has mild dementia, she's never had it formally acknowledged from the dr....it's just something everyone assumes.
And for me, it's just another excuse, in a long list of excuses for her behaviour.
It sounds awful, but it's hard to say if someone mentally deteriorated if they've never been very bright, and used it as an excuse not to put effort into anything!
In the past, she's always blamed things on her 'dyslexia' (never been assessed tho...and that's a reflection on processing reading....not a catch all)....her hormones, her menopause (which lasted about seventy years!!)...her anxiety/depression...and now....she sprinkles each interaction with anyone with....'ooooh I AM forgetful....I've got dementia....my memory's gone....my MINDS gone...' stuff like that.
It's almost the first thing she says...even to people she seldom meets, I'm told.
It sounds awful, but she was never very clever....but worse...she wouldn't try to give effort to anything....and she was clever enough to manipulate people...she has an encyclopaedic knowledge about how people have offended her in the past, grudges....mistakes others have made.
(She could never even point to a major nearby city on the weather map, but she remembered every bad thing her older daughter ever did or said! You get the idea)
So my kids go round, and my son almost immediately disappears with my Dad, into the sanctuary of his shed. My daughter, basically gets stuck with my Mother....in the house, on her own,
She finds my Mother awkward to say the least.
Mum spends the entire visit, showing her old photos (claiming not to recognise me in any of them).
She shows her teddy bears, and ornaments that she tries to give her but she refused.
My Mother tried to give her an old Victorian ring, which had been one of the causes of our original estrangement (she'd given it me, I had it twenty years and she wanted it back)
My Mother told my daughter she'd been saving it for HER...and begged her to have it.
It sounds like her mind is woolly, but the last time I bit the bullet and made one of my rare visits...my Mother, knowing about how she'd caused the row over the old ring...gleefully went to find it, and waved it under my nose, asking my Dad....'tell YOUR daughter how much the jewellers said this was worth!.
She also does the things with the photos every time, including ones as adults of me and my sister, both her and my dad claim they don't know which of us is which. Which is ridiculous considering my sister is eighteen years older than me, and at the time 4 dress sizes bigger.
Anyway...she was very insistent....kept pressing my daughter to take the ring, and she found it really awkward and unpleasant, but she refused.
All the while Dad was hiding in the shed!
Neither of my parents ever ask about school, or the kids pets or normal stuff like that.
My mother doesn't offer to make them a cup of tea....in fact my daughter had to make her one.
Very astutely, my daughter said...'grandad and x—-xx escape to the shed.....I'm left to ENTERTAIN nana'
I feel awful for not waking up and going with them...
Every time I see my Mother, it makes me feel ill.....but hearing how they are with my kids (although this was her on her best behaviour) makes me just as bad.
Oh, she also showed my daughter pictures of when she was a baby, adding ...'your not like that now are you!.....ooooh isn't your voice DEEP' ....teenagers find things like that awful! And she never says it to my son.
I'm sorry my kids went. ...it's such a catch 22.
I feel bad for having little contact, especially with people telling me how bad she's getting and how hard my dad has it....but I feel bad even hearing  about them, having my kids go, and seeing her is worse!
It sounds awful, but I just wish she'd hurry up and die.
It's thrown me into an emotional flashback...because it's how my Mother always was.
I had to take care of her, entertain, work for, cook for, be company for, absorb her foul moods...everything.
I wasn't allowed to say the word no, I was just her creature.
I once said to my T, I wasn't a child, or a teenager, I was either a doll, a servant or a service dog....depending on what age I was and what mood she was in.
My mother with her children, she was almost dare I say it, flirty with her sons...nothing much was asked of them like household chores, but she did act almost like she fancied them.
With her daughters, we had to bear the brunt of her moods, and do things in the house....all the above.
The boys went out and were  almost feral....seldom in the house.
The girls weren't allowed to have any independance, and any friends had to be hers too.
While dad, blissfully carried on refusing to see how miserable we all were.
She treats my daughter like she treated me....to a tiny extent obviously!
I'm so sorry my kids went round. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so angry, and worried about my daughter being harmed by this...because teenagers are fragile!
I never feel anger.....it's rare....because I wasn't allowed feelings as a kid, especially not anger!
I can tell it's my 'stuff' coming up because of my extreme reaction.
I mean she's an old lady, but to me....it's like she's a ferocious unpredictable dog, whose hurt me, and my dad is like a doting dog owner, who takes no responsibility for it and gets offended that people don't think his pet is cute!
And the meds are damping stuff down.
I like to write 'poetry', or do other creative writing, it helps me process my experiences and feelings like nothing else. But the pills seem to have destroyed my creative side...she's just not there anymore.
I like not feeling abject despair all the time....but I feel nothing.
Unmediated, I usually swing between really raw emotions...always fear, and deep depression....never happy.....and then the other state, which is just numb and sleeping.
Out of the raw emotions comes the creativity....and so I feel like I've sacrificed it.
Another thing lost to childhood trauma....it's like a gift that keeps on giving!
I'm sorry, I'm a bit rantey today.
I want to talk....I wish I could explain stuff....I want to tell someone how I feel....but it's too messy.

[Armee]

Hi MaryAnn,

Your mother is extremely manipulative. You know that of course. She is doing so much of this stuff just to get to you. I know - I deeply deeply know - how awful it feels to wish your parent were dead. But of course you do! She's awful to you and she makes you ill. Your kids dislike her too even just from short little interactions. That's her fault and it is on her. I don't think though that your daughter will be damaged by this. She gets to grow up with you, not your mom. Even if she is exposed to your mom's terrible behavior sometimes she gets to escape it and go to a safe home. They'll be ok.

I'm glad you didn't go. I know you feel guilty that you didn't wake up and protect them but they are OK. They knew the price and were ok with it, so they went, because it is a short exposure. If you had gone though it would have probably been an even bigger trigger than you are already experiencing. You get to protect yourself. You are allowed to do that.

The people in the community can step in if they feel so bad for your dad. I got a lot of crap too because my mom lived alone but we can't save them from themselves. I know it feels terrible. I know it feels like a trap no matter where you turn. I couldn't wait for my mom to die. I have still felt nothing but relief since she did 6 months ago. I hope you get your freedom soon too.

[rainydiary]

Mary Anne, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here.  I especially appreciated the distinction between what the boys were allowed to do versus the girls - I actually had that in my past too (honestly still do with my parents and in-laws) and haven't thought much on that before.  I hope that you find each step of navigating this difficult situation. 

[Mary Ann]

Thank you Armee, that never occurred to me...that if other people feel so sorry for my Dad...they could step up and help. When my M does die, I don't know how I feel. I don't feel any love for her, just fear and unease....I know when it happens I'll feel something, strong emotions of some type...just not sure what.
And thanks Rainy, it's good to know other families do the boys/girls thing.
The worry is, my Dad will go first and then the whole family will expect me to look after her, as I'm the only daughter  living near enough (even though one of my brothers lives in the house over the street)

My other brother doesn't think much of me for having little contact with my parents.
He told his wife that all this worry (over estrangement) will be the death of Mum, and when it does....he will go round and 'have it out' with me.
I don't want to be accused of killing my Mother.
I don't hate anyone, I'm scared of all members of my family.
I just wish I'd been born into a different family....with normal people, not this well of nasty and trauma.

[dollyvee]

Hi Mary Ann,

I relate to what you're saying. Everyone sees your m and f in a certain way and not the way you experienced them. When their behaviour isn't what most people consider "abusive" how can it be that bad? We must be the ones who are wrong and not doing enough or being enough. My recent trip home brings up a lot of that and how they can seem so sweet and nice to others. My gm used to do the "oh I'm so forgetful, maybe it's alzheimer's" all the time, or gasp whenever she had to pick something up etc. It's taken me years (in therapy) to step back and acknowledge that my feelings are valid that something's not right, and I still have to deal with peoples' reactions of "oh he's just an old man."

I spoke with a friend and he said he didn't ask to be brought into this world and he doesn't owe his parents anything; they were the ones who were supposed to take care of him. That really blew my mind because it was so unlike how I saw things and I'm still trying to integrate it. Sorry, I don't have any solutions or answers, just that there are other people out there who get it and are going through the same thing.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Mary Ann]

Thank you Dollyvee....I'm really glad other people get it.

[Mary Ann]

I wonder, does anyone else feel huge grief for the family they wish they'd had?
My best friend is an older lady, she's old enough to be my mother....and I spend lots of time with her and her husband. She's given me lots of support for many years. When I first started looking at my sexual abuse I had horrendous depression and anxiety, and I can say with absolute certainty, if it wasn't for this friend I'd be dead by now.
I've learned how to mother my children from her, how to cook, how to act with people...everything.
When I spend time with them, I just get this real deep longing....this couple should be my parents.
I grieve that they aren't, I want to belong in their family...
The life they gave their kids has brought them nothing but good things, their grown up kids don't have mental health issues, they've had a childhood they can look back on smiling...it's like a legacy of love.
My family caused me nothing but pain, and I'm carrying it constantly.
There's nothing I can look back at and smile over....unless it's with irony...I've been left a legacy of hurt and nothing else.

[Armee]

I feel this often, MaryAnn. I have sort of substitute parents similar to what you describe. My 2 aunts and a couple older males who were coworkers before they retired. More than mourning what I didn't have, it makes me feel grief because even though they are all there for me and super kind. I never really will be like their daughter for them. My aunts support and help me through tough times, but they aren't going to fly across the country for me like they would for their own kids...that kind of thing...makes me sad. I'm grateful for what I have but there's grief their yes.

Also more recently I've been noticing how I've forced myself to look at the silver linings of situations so much that I miss out on grieving what is mine to grieve. I think I'll write more about that in my own journal today.

You aren't alone in feeling these things.  The legacy of love is beautiful that your friends have. I wish we all had that to build off of. I do get to take pride though in breaking the cycle. I'd rather have the legacy of love to pass on, but. .

[Mary Ann]

That's exactly what it's like. I should feel glad and grateful to have such good friends...and I am, but I can never be like one of their actual children...and it's a source of real grief. There's such a lot of grief in this complex trauma thing.
The grief for what people did, for what people neglected to do.
I can usually tell when friends have had a reasonably normal life with their families. They don't have to give it much thought....family and parents are in the background, just taken for granted .  The way I see it, parents are like shoes. You don't notice shoes unless they hurt you, if they don't fit. If they pinch, it's like the thing supposed to protect your feet, keep them warm and dry and comfy....just cause harm. It hurts,your feet will be damaged and grow wonky, it affects how you walk. So as someone who's gone through the world limping, from shoes that hurt and let water in...I look at others with nice well worn comfy ones and I feel real loss.
I ask my friends almost guiltily about their mothers in particular.
Silly questions about everyday life. What did your mum do if you were ill? Or naughty? What did she cook? It's silly, I know but it's a source of pain and fascination.

[Mary Ann]

Been a rubbish week.
One of my closest friends reacted badly to something I told her about and really scared me. I know why she responded that way, but I felt really let down.
She's one of the few people I really trusted, I needed her to be supportive, but she wasn't.  I feel like I won't be able to confide in her again now...feeling stupid for thinking I could anyway.
We've not fell out, but I was upset, and I needed to talk to my older lady friend.
The one that's been so good to me. ..she's my go to safe person.
I couldn't talk to her, because she and her husband were away on holiday. Now they are back....but they're both poorly with covid.
I'm worried about them, because they're elderly...and even mild covid is unpleasant.

[rainydiary]

Mary Ann, I am sorry to hear about the shaky trust with friends and the illness of folks you care about.  I hope you find some ease.

[Mary Ann]

My Dad plans to visit my sister who lives over a hundred miles away, just for the day.
I know because she texted me about it. I didn't want much contact with her, same as I don't want contact with much of my family, but she still texts from time to time.
She told me Dad is having a friend 'babysit' Mum, because he can't leave her alone. How Dad has a hard time and needs a break away from her, it'll do him good.
I feel grief about my Dad. I'd like to see him sometimes, but not my Mother...not her.
I know things aren't good with my Dad...I know he's partly responsible, but I do have feelings for him, I did love him.
I was talking to my friend, and she pointed out that he could arrange to go a hundred miles to visit my sister without Mum...but he can't visit me on his own!
I only live a four minute walk away from them!
All the thing about him needing a break makes me so angry.
He's allowed her to be like this all her life. She won't even make a cup of tea for herself now, he's practically her slave.
And him not liking to leave her alone.
When I was a kid, my parents always left me alone....or with scary people I didn't know.
They regularly left me home alone while they went to stay four or five days with my sister, who lived a five hour drive away at the time, from the time I was eleven.
They arranged for an old lady neighbour to stay the night, but she couldn't come during the day.
She would come over at 8.30, and sleep in our house till 8 the following morning...
But that meant I was alone right throughout the days,  and I was home all day because it was the school holidays...and at eleven I could've easily set the house on fire! Because I made my own meals.
By thirteen or so, I was simply left alone anyway for days.
It was the same level of care you'd give a pet cat...not a child, ....someone to look in and check she's ok.
They went away without me in this way regularly .
As a smaller child of nine or ten, my Mother worked and so in the morning I'd get up alone, and go to school without seeing another soul. Because I was unsupervised, I didn't often brush my hair or teeth, or eat breakfast, though even if she'd been in my mother wasn't big on me doing teeth or hygiene.
I'm annoyed because Dad is so concerned for his wife, he won't leave her alone....but no one showed that concern for me. I was either shown off as a trophy or neglected.
I can't stop thinking about them just now.
Anyway, silly thing...but I'm scared of travelling on trains...especially alone.
Yesterday, I took the train alone for a short distance. First time in years. I was really pleased.

[rainydiary]

Mary Ann, I appreciate you sharing about this experience.  I was thinking the other day how there came a point where my mom just stopped providing any care to me when I reached a certain age and the memory you shared of waking up and not seeing anyone resonated.  I don't think it is silly to have worry about trains or transportation in general.  I am glad that you took the trip. 

[Armee]

That's a really stark and painful comparison, MaryAnn, and whatever you are feeling about it is so valid. Hurt, neglected, angry, disappointed, etc...so many other feelings would come up for me in that situation. Was your sister intending to inflict guilt on you, too,, when she told you about having a friend stay with your mom?

You're loveable MaryAnn and worthy of care, even if your family of origin is way too sick to provide it.

[Mary Ann]

I wrote that last entry this morning, and since then I've had the first EF for weeks.
I can't stop thinking about the past, and i really wanted to write about the neglect aspect properly.
I tried to elsewhere on the forum but didn't post it.
I've been meaning to show my closest friend (the older lady) a bit of my poetry (sounds a bit pretentious but I write cos it helps me).
I finally worked up the courage and left her a couple so she could read them in her own time.
Ten minutes later after I left I was in tears panicking, I had to call her and ask her not to read them...keep them safe and not read them.
Of course she agreed, said she'd put them in an envelope for me till I wanted to show her.
I had a letter in the post, which then caused a real nasty anxiety attack...couldn't breathe, shaking, guts turned to water, dizzy...everything makes me feel like I'm going to be in trouble!
once I'd calmed down I slept for almost five hours, and I still feel tired.
Also been having bad dreams, more than usual.
It sort of feels like I'm desperate to tell people things, but when I do or almost do, it sets off the fear.
I don't need to worry about sharing my writing with my friend, she knows my story!
She's seen me at my absolute worst!
It's that old fear of getting into trouble for saying anything I think...because the feelings were out of proportion to the situation.
I'm so grateful to write on here. Especially because it's anonymous, though I still worry.
It's good to hear how other people are similar, because otherwise how would you know?
It's like I feel compelled to throw my story around, but so very scared ...I'm going to have another go at posting on the neglect and abandonment. Try again, in the neglect/abandonment part.
One of the things I'd tried to write before, but couldn't was about my pet rabbit.
How my Mother often had a clear out, and threw away my toys, even the ones I liked.
I came in from school at six or seven, and found she'd got rid of my pet rabbit...no warning, no nothing...he just wasn't there anymore. I looked as sad as I dared, but couldn't really protest much, or act as upset as I felt, because it would provoke her anger.
When I asked if I could have him back, my Mother said the rabbit had to go, because I didn't clean him out....but small kids can't take care of pets alone...they can only help, the parents do it.
Also, he'd been given to other children down the street, and they'd be upset if they lost their new rabbit!
When I was in my teens, I reminisced about this occasion, to my grown up sister.
She cruelly told me that Mum told her about the rabbit. The people she'd given it to hadn't fed or watered it, and it was found starved to death in its hutch. Mum had told her not to tell me about it at the time.
She may have kept quiet when I was small, but she gleefully told me the tale years later....like I wasn't likely to be upset but I was! I was still a kid.
I'd written about this occasion as an example of emotional neglect....but it's not that. It's just plain cruel.
The actual physical neglect as I grew older made me feel like I wasn't like anyone else.
I didn't mean to waffle about all this.