Mary Anns Journal

[Armee]

I'm not 100% sure if I am correct in my assumption about what you might be referring to, but whatever it is, you are not alone in it. I've had terrible backlashes when I relax and let myself feel good...things like self harm and hallucinations and it feels like I can never get better when things like that happen in response to GOOD things. But ever so slowly that backlash has let go not by going direct at it, but by just slowly letting things just be and accepting them, weirdly enough, and just continuing that very slow process of healing. I could be way off base and whatever it is I am so sorry it happened again and that it's something that you can't talk about. 

[Mary Ann]

Well SH is something that I've had a problem with in the past, but not recently...at least not for around a year...thanks for your support Armee.
I had a session with my T the other day and it was a really hard one.
I'm feeling ok today. I'm sat drinking coffee in my pjs at 11.00 in the morning, which is unheard of for me.
I get nervous sat around doing nothing. I tend to feel like my Mother could burst in at anytime and demand to know what I'm doing.... Which is ridiculous! She's old and doesn't walk much...I'm in my forties...and it's my house!
I remember even not many years ago, when I still had real contact with my parents.
If they came into my house, I wouldn't be able to sit down and relax, I'd automatically get up and start tidying something, or doing dishes ...anything.
My husband is more like 'it's my house I can do what I like'...but my fear was that she'd come in and find me guilty of doing nothing.
The ridiculous thing is...she has done NOTHING in the last 10 years! She has literally sat on her chair, eating sweets in front of the tv, while her legs swelled and rotted beneath her.
She hasn't got a chronic condition, or diagnosis of any type, she just was old and lazy and so as soon as my Dad retired she did nothing. She doesn't even make a cup of tea for herself....nothing.
When I married and left their house at twenty, my Mother told her friends she'd had to learn to cook ....because I'd done most of the cooking from my early teens onwards....but she didn't, my Dad retired shortly after I left home and so he did it all. ..while she sat around getting more and more immobile.
When I was a kid and she did housework I was constantly by her side having to help...and she worked various jobs off and on...so she wasn't always sat around.
I'm rambling on now about nothing....I'd better do something else

[rainydiary]

Mary Anne, the experience of feeling "guilty" for sitting around resonates with me.  I hope you find the right balance of moments of rest and doing things that are important.

[Mary Ann]

I'm not feeling too brill today.
I want to talk to my special friend the older lady but I'm scared she'll find me bothersome.
I feel like such a baby. I want to be able to tell her I'm upset and she could look after me.
If she'd been my Mum when I was a kid, I could have told her when bad stuff happened and she'd have sorted it out. I just feel like I'm all on my own in the world today. And I'm sad and scared but mostly sad.

[Mary Ann]

I want to do something fun with my kids today.
I have to look after everyone but my Mother never looked after me.

[Hope67]

Hi Mary Ann,
I just wanted to say that I see and hear your caring for your friend, in the things you write. 

I hope that you're able to do some fun things today with your kids, as you hope to do.  I'm sorry that your Mum never looked after you. 

Sending you a supportive hug, if that feels ok (please disregard it, if not - sometimes I don't know whether to offer a hug, incase it's overstepping a boundary, but I do want to offer one to you 

Hope 

[Armee]

You really needed protection and care as a kid and you didn't get it. That is tremendously sad and unfair. Breaking the cycle with your own kids and giving them what you did not get shows just what a beautiful strong person you raised yourself to be. You deserved better, though. And you deserve to be cared for now, too.

[rainydiary]

I hope you had some fun today with your children.  I hope you also have opportunity to have fun or playfulness for yourself too.  We are meant to play and I am sorry you had to grow up without that too. 

[Mary Ann]

Seems like the only time I ever write is when I feel bad, or maybe it's because I seem to feel so bad all the time. There does seem to be anything other.
I had a text from my older sister a few days back. It was friendly in tone but she basically said I'll be in town sometime soon so expect me to visit. She also said if I'm ever going near where she lives can I text and we'll meet up. I then had a call from my parents to say it's our wedding anniversary and so can they take us to eat out. I try to have as little contact with my family as possible. The less I see them, the better my mental health is. To speak plainly, to see any single member of my family is a flaming white hot trigger for me.
Even the text/phone call has caused me to lose lots of sleep, I can't work today,  because my anxiety is through the roof. My stomach is suffering and I can't go far from the house in case i need the loo.
It's the same old stuff time and time again. I'd like to see my Dad. In a weird way, I'd like to see my sister, but I'm scared of that honestly. But I don't want to. It's not worth the feelings it brings up for me.
Last night I kept on thinking of what I'd say and do to my Mother.
I couldn't answer my parents question about taking us out. I didn't know what to say.
I never know what to say. I just said I'll have to get back to you.
This is a how trauma effects me, and it has done all my life.
I'm a wordy person, I enjoy the beauty in words, the shape of language. But as a kid, when bad stuff happened, I had no words. Not during or after, I have no words now, even when being asked things like this by my family. Trauma robs me of my words. I'm left with the three s'....stupid, sad and spineless.
That's how I feel. Ironically, writing is how I process how I feel...but it's a delayed reaction almost.
I'm going to make coffee. Maybe do some writing later. If I can.

[Armee]

It's the dilemma of being around traumatizing people. Trapped. There's no good answer so the words and feelings leave us except to turn into self hatred and self blame.

Your emotions and physical symptoms are giving you the answer though. I used to describe it in my own case as "no! Stay away!" That is what my body was telling me. They are to blame for the fact that seeing them or communicating with them makes you seriously sick. That is their fault. They did those things to you. I understand feeling guilty and like the bad one. You are not though. It is reasonable and healthy to simply not respond or to just say "thank you for the offer but [a visit / going out to dinner] won't be possible right now." Or simply "I am unable to see you on your visit." Your body is not lying to you right now. It is the truest thing you have. Just the one sided communication alone has left you unable to work. How about parenting? When I was engaged with my mom i could not function and could not parent for a good few days. That's too steep a price to pay.

[Hope67]

Hi Mary Ann,
I think Armee put things so well in her reply to you.  I found that I wanted to reply and say things, but the situation you described had tied up my words too, because I relate to the things you said - and I have felt incredibly traumatised by the idea of potential contact with family members. 

I admire the fact you were able to find some words and respond at the time.

Hope 

[Mary Ann]

So I did a thing I'm really happy about.
I joined a creative writing group for survivors of abuse.
I really enjoyed the first meeting (was on zoom but still quiet brave for me!)
I've wanted to do something in the way of therapeutic writing for a while now, and so I'm glad to have this group to join. It was nice hearing what others had written with similar experiences, well....not 'nice'...more validation I think. I'd like to share some stuff I wrote with the group, I hope I'll be brave enough if I do get the chance. Bit daunting, because I left school at sixteen, I have no education past that, and I've never even done a job that would be counted as skilled or interesting, it's all menial stuff.
I know it doesn't matter, but I feel not very confident because of it.
But I don't need education to write about my feelings do I? That's the good thing about it.
Anyway I'm looking forward to the next group.
I've never joined a group before...of any kind! Not even any type of club as a kid. It's a whole new experience for me.

[CactusFlower]

Congrats, Mary Ann! I hope the group works out well for you and that you enjoy your creative pursuits. Everyone has a story to tell. gentle hugs if you want them!

[Mary Ann]

Thank you 😊

[paul72]

I'm so excited for you Mary Ann!!
I'm glad you enjoyed your first meeting... I'm glad you were so brave to do this..
I understand having a lack of confidence, but you really are so gifted and I hope this group gives you lots of opportunities to express yourself.
Congratulations on this awesome adventure !!