Mary Anns Journal

[Mary Ann]

Thanks so much
I can't tell you how exited I am about doing something new.

[Mary Ann]

So, I've not been writing in my journal for a while.
Ive had a really bad chest and I'm not sleeping much.
My son is about to leave school, he's doing his exams.
I don't feel anything. I'd like to write, or talk, but I just can't think or speak, or be bothered with anything.
It's like my head doesn't belong to me anymore.

[Mary Ann]

I've spent today feeling tired, and spacey...till late this evening.
I'm irritable, I feel so much nasty, I hate my life, I hate people, and I despise me.
My heads just circling a whole load of horrid, awful memories and I just want to destroy something.
I resent my husband, I wish things were better than this, but I feel powerless to change anything.
I'm angry at people, but I'm paralysed with fear of them too....I very seldom get angry.
I have nothing to say, I can't say what I need to, I just hate how my life has been and I don't see anything getting better. It's my own fault, because if I was braver and told people how I felt, or stood up for myself more then things would go better for me. But it's hard. Im not brave. I just don't want to be here today.

[paul72]

Can i send a gentle supportive hug your way, Mary Ann? 
I am sorry you are feeling this way... I totally get it and am there often myself
But it's not your fault and you are very brave. Your writing is about the bravest thing I've ever seen for example.
I wish I had great advice, but I do understand that feeling of not being able to see things getting better.
You are such a kind, creative, intelligent person and I just hope this passes quickly for you
Much love and kindness to you!!!!

[Armee]

I know it sounds trite and cliche Mary Ann, but these things and those things were not and are not your fault.

[Hope67]

Hi Mary Ann,

I hope that today is going ok for you so far.  I don't know how you're doing, but I wish you the best for the day, and hope it's ok.  I would also like to send you a gentle and supportive hug, if you're ok with that   

Whatever is happening, and however you're feeling, please know that we do care how you are, and hope you're ok.

Hope 

[Mary Ann]

So, news wise....I'm due to start emdr next week.
I'm also enjoying the writing group I joined....I submitted one of my poems (well a recording of it) for a poetry slam, and it was used so I'm glad about that.

[Blueberry]

Congrats on your piece being chosen

[paul72]

congratulations Mary Ann!

[Mary Ann]

Well, it's been a while.
I've got a lot of stuff crashing round in my head at the moment, I'd like to be able to write about it but I'm struggling. I wish I felt better than this, but I just feel heavy, sad and sleepy...I can't think...and that seems to be how things are these days for me.
I went away for a few weeks holiday, and it was nice, but virtually every night I had bad disturbing dreams which left me feeling uneasy the next day...I'm used to weird dreams at night, but not so frequently.
My son started college this week...(sixth form) it's his second day.
My friend is away this week.
It's been a scary few weeks and I didn't have any where I feel comfortable.

[Hope67]

Hi Mary Ann,
Wow, you had a lot going on back in September - I hope that you're ok, and I also hope you get less scary weeks.  You mentioned that your son had started sixth form college and was on his second day back then.  I hope he's settled in ok, and I also hope that you're doing ok.
Hope 

[Mary Ann]

Thanks Hope, son seemed to be setting in ok, thank goodness.
I may have mentioned it before, but I've only just recently been comfortable catching busses.
I've had to overcome the fear, and learn to do it to help my son who is on the autism spectrum learn to get to his college independently.
I've been really proud of this new skill, and it's opened up things for me, as before I biked everywhere!
Well, last Wednesday a dreadful thing happened.
My son and I were on the bus, alone on the top floor, and two young teens got on.
They were being pretty disruptive and shouting out of the windows at people outside.
When our bus stop approached, my son got up to leave, but these two kids had bridged their feet across the aisle, and wouldn't move for him., even though he asked.
He stepped over them, and they still wouldn't move to let me past...they locked their feet and just sat there grinning. I barged through them, because I had to, and I made sure I wasn't careful about my feet as I did.
Seriously they weren't going to let me off the bus, and they were trying to trip me up.
At this point I said to one of them ''Aw did I catch you? Well you should have moved your legs then'
The other one then produced a bottle of juice and started throwing it at me.
As I went down the stairs he poured the juice properly onto my head.
Of course I made a complaint to the school....they were horrified and urged me to report to police as it's assault.
The very next day, I was on another bus with both my kids, and it happened again with the SAME kids!
I moved to keep away from them, but they literally followed me to where I sat, and approached three times, to hurl abuse and homophobic slurs . They accused me of telling lies about them to school, and the girl said I sprained her ankle...
In the end after one of them threw an empty Fanta can at me but it hit my son in the face, and I told the driver. He tried to get these kids off the bus, but they wouldn't move till he was about to call the police.
As the bus drove off leaving them on the pavement outside, they ran behind it making  wrist slashing gestures at my daughter!
Awful.
One of the reasons I struggled with busses is, though I wasn't allowed to use them as a teenager (when it would've been appropriate) as a small child I'd had awful experiences of severe bullying every day on the bus to school.
This was in the eighties, it wasn't an actual 'school bus'...it was a public bus, but it was crammed with pupils from my school. One day when I was around eight, I was beaten up by a much older child, but everyday I was kicked, spat on and pushed over. Because no one would let me sit down, I often had to stand in the aisle and if I held the back of a seat for balance, some kid would bash my hand with their fist.
It wasn't a good time for me.
I chatted to the staff at school after the first incident, and I explained I struggle to use public transport because I suffer with cptsd, and now this will really set me back.
It will also set my children back because they will lose confidence now.
Anyway that was Wednesday and Thursday. Now im ill.
Im getting lots of pain in my ears and neck, I've had a high temperature all night and I keep having to run to the loo, because I've got a horrendous bad stomach. All my joints are aching.
Logically, I assume I must have  some sort of infection....
But I actually think it's the stress. It's like I've physically and mentally had to come to a halt.
I've not got a cold or flu or anything like that...but honestly I feel so rubbish.
Not been sleeping, because anxiety beast massive.
Now my kids are off for half term. I planned to do some nice stuff, spend some time together...hope I still can. I usually work today, but I've had to phone in sick....really couldn't feel worse.

[paul72]

Oh Mary Ann, that's just horrible!!!
I am so sorry that happened to you now and in the past.
That is just so cruel... I can only imagine how triggering and hurtful that would be.
I hope sleep gets easier and you start to feel some pain relief.
Sending a caring hug if you'd like it. 

[Armee]

Oh Mary Ann that is just painful and horrible both what happened presently and what it triggered from the past. I feel quite queasy in the pit of my stomach thinking about what you went through. If they are safe I'm sending along a hug to you.

[Mary Ann]

Thanks Phil and Armee for the hugs.
Funny thing is as soon as I was away from the situation, I started to do the thing I've done for all the childhood abuse etc....'well, was it really as bad as I thought?'
'Am I overreacting?'.....all that stuff. But this time, I was with my kids....they witnessed it.
Awful thing is my bright, confident fifteen year old daughter, now is scared to take the bus in case it happens again. ...and because I don't want her to develop a bus phobia like I had, I'm going to have to make sure we catch the bus together....keep doing the scary thing together till it's ok...but it's the last thing I want to do honestly.
I also just cannot believe how ill I've felt over the last couple of days.
My neck is still absolutely killing me.
The other weird reaction I got from the bus incident is that because I responded to these teenagers
(I wasn't verbally abusive like they were....but I did respond)  I had an awful feeling that I was going to be in trouble. I got to my safe place, my friends home and I couldn't calm down, I was convinced that something bad was going to happen, and that it was my fault....honestly I felt like I was eight!