Here I go again...EF due to enmeshed mother and u(NPD) sister

[Healing Finally]

HI all, 

It's been years since I've posted here.  I've done a lot of reading and writing and learning and growing.  But here I am again, with the same same same issue of having an emotional flashback from the same old situation; my mother choosing my (u)NPD sister's needs over mine.  And I just can't seem to get past it.  It wears me down and wears me out, even though I know it's really not about me; it's about my mother's relationship with my sister.

I now live with my 89-soon-to-be-90 mother, who fortunately can still do most things so I am not a full-time caregiver, but I am pretty much fully responsible for everything (taking her to doctor appts, reminding her on how to take care of herself, helping with projects like downsizing, etc.)  Yes, I have a sister (who I am sure has narcissistic personality disorder) and lives minutes away, but she won't speak to me due to a situation that happened over 7 years ago, (I had an impulsive over-reaction and sent an email, not to her, but to her husband - who is now her ex - after witnessing my sister's narcissistic behavior, which he shared with both my mother and sister; ultimately removing me from the family picture.)  So my sister won't come over when I'm here, and deprives my mother of having the union of her family supporting her. 

FYI: Years ago I sent apology letters to my sister, which were rejected, and recently sent a humble note in a Christmas card asking if we could see a therapist together, for our mother's sake, which she rejected in a recent email (which included baited questions of blame which I have not responded back to.)

My mother has always been enmeshed with my (u)NPD sister.  My mother had a narcissistic mother, and she was "trained" to put her mother's needs first above all. This was done with manipulation and intimidation, and due to fear of rejection my mother learned it was pointless and painful to try and stand up for herself.  This has caused her own emotional trauma and as my sister behaves in the same way, my mother forever give into her wants/desires, again in fear of rejection and abandonment. 

As a child, I couldn't understand why she would forever say no to me, and yes to my sister.  It was traumatic.  Now I know, to put it very simply, if my sister doesn't get her way she will withdraw her love.  This is what my mother is most afraid of.

So, needless to say, it's been quite difficult for me to be here, doing all that I do for my mother, while my sister continues to blame me for our family split and won't come over when I am here.  I've had a real tough time over the years to get my mother to see my side of all of this, and she now does.  But, she still can't ask my sister to "get over it" for the sake of the family, or for herself.

OK, back to my emotional flashback, a week ago I had a very good talk with my mother, stating that it could be very unhealthy for me to be here, if we can't all be a family.  I asked if she could reach out again to my sister, and state that she needs us to be able to communicate; for her sake.  When we talked, she literally puts her hands to her belly and pulls herself in, like a child.  I know how difficult this is for her!  I just want her to see that she does play a part here, that it's not just about my relationship with my sister.  She agreed, acknowledging my sister's behavior is unhealthy, and said she would do it. 

A few days later I heard her talking to her therapist about it all, I didn't listen to any of it (not wanting to be traumatized.)  Later I saw she just wrote down the word "sisters", and she hasn't spoken to me about it since.  This what got me, it's like our conversation never happened, I felt completely crazy, knowing that she was back to square one, and I was back to square one.  Any hopes that she might "do the right thing", for me, were dashed on the rocks, and I felt completely hopeless (I then just spend hours in bed.)

Recent feedback from people state that I need to give up on the idea that anything will ever change.  I suppose I just need to consider myself a single daughter, and continue to work on my emotional healing.  Sigh, any advise is appreciated.  Thx...

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your story.  I don't have any advice.  I do see how hard you have worked and are working.  It is difficult when you extend opportunities for connection and those are not accepted in a way you hope.  It is also difficult to be in relationship with people with narcissistic and enmeshed behavior as they operate so differently from one that is healing and doing the work.  I hope that you find some ease as you navigate this difficult situation.

[Blueberry]

Your title caught my eye because I have EFs due to any FOO contact basically.

Unfortunately in my experience it works the way you've been told recently: things don't really change much in an enmeshed family unless more people than one are really working on themselves. There may be exceptions to the rule. In fact for a good few years I believed my FOO was an exception in that regard. Two huge retraumatisations later it was at least cognitively clear that that wasn't the case.

Good luck navigating this. I hope it helps you to know you're not the only one.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome back Healing Finally.  I seem to remember you talking about the incident that made your sister shut you out and down some years ago.

I am so sorry you are exposed to all the N behaviour, it really is traumatizing.  I'm afraid I agree with others who have suggested N's do not change and that's so difficult and painful to accept I know. 

You do seem to have figured out what is going on and based on my own experience if you can step back or away even, that will give you some breathing room to help the part of you that was abandoned in the past and is experiencing that again.  Being caught up in all that N behav is like salt being constantly thrown on deep wounds. 

Hope this helps.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you all for your responses.  - it really does help to know I'm not the only one that deals with this situation.

More news, my mom informed me today that she's going away for her 90th birthday with my sister and her family, and that she is taking her somewhere special.  I don't even know how to begin to express how I feel.  Same thing happened over Christmas, and at the time I stated to her that it would have been good to talk to me about important family events before finalizing any plans, especially since I now live with her.  She did it again, agreed without seeing how it would effect me.  Yes, I'm feeling the EF big time.  I did stand up for myself, saying once again she made plans without consulting me, and she once again clung to her stomach and said with a really soft voice "I'm sorry."

At first I insisted she tell my sister she can't say yes without talking to me, and that she needs to change the date.  But after a lengthy discussion I realized, she already said yes, if she goes back to say no it will trigger my sister to put up a fight.  So I said we can celebrate her birthday together on a different day.  We talked a lot (again) about how my sister's behavior is unhealthy, and she really does want us all to get together with a therapist so she can have a unified party behind her.  I have been saying it's going to be tough for me to help her by myself; I'll do it, but not indefinitely.

Blueberry: I wonder if your FOO situation is similar?  Did you all make some strides, then hit a pitfall?  Hate those retraumatisations!! 

rainydiary: It's so true, they operate from an old rooted unhealthy pattern that I am trying to break from.  We were all enmeshed.  Now I'm not, thank god. 

Kizzie: Thank you, I am working on the breathing room, I know in the long run I am going to be OK.  I so appreciate knowing what is happening vs. in the past not knowing and just feeling bad about myself all the time. 

We shall see what the future brings, but I'm not going to let myself be retrauamtized over and over again.  I'm so grateful to know how to behave in a healthy fashion now, in the past I would have been yelling and running out the door. 
Thank you for your support!! 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hf,

That's a really challenging thing to go through and it takes a lot of heart to be there for your mom through all of this. I had to learn to step back from my family and just accept that they weren't going to be there for me or see things the way I do. I don't think I was ever fully there (?) but the process was difficult and it was hard to come to that realization especially when there's the illusion (in my case) that they loved me.

Sending you support.
dolly

[Kizzie]

I'm not going to let myself be retraumatized over and over again.

Cheering you on.