New and very numb (TW)

Started by Farfel, April 13, 2015, 03:33:32 PM

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Farfel

Hello, I just found out this week that my mother died. I moved far away and have been No Contact for many years. I grew up in an alcoholic family where the only bond I had was "Fear". I have been thru therapy, and detached, I thought. I feel nothing, not hate, I do not believe I ever loved my mother, too much fear, so no love, no hate, just indifference which is so painful to realize that I have gone numb. I have flashbacks and isolate with some kind of complicated grief response about the death of someone who was not maternal. It is so confusing...I feel lost as if I do not exist, maybe I have always felt that way...please don't say you are sorry for my loss, I know that's what people say at such times...but loss implies something and I never really had a mother in that sense...just someone forced to give birth as a duty....I am rambling now..I don't know how to process indifference....please don't judge me...I have to be honest.

Sandals

:bighug:

I get it. My M is not an alcoholic, but the fear, indifference, dismissiveness is very similar. While I love the idea of loving a mother, I do not love mine.

No judging here. And welcome. :hug:

Kizzie

Hi and welcome to OOTS Farfel. 

As Sandals has said, "no judging here." The main reason we are here is to finally and clearly 'speak our truth' whatever that may be.  I hope as you settle in you begin to feel the support and encouragement from OOTS members and are able to explore what that numbness is all about.   :hug:



C.

It took courage for you to reach out to this community.  I believe that you will find understanding and support.  I hear confusion and pain from you.   I trust you to heal.  Welcome and many hugs.

Farfel

being numb....still numb...I remember numb....I somehow burnt my R arm last week when taking a pan from a hot oven, I guess I touched my arm on the still-hot upper oven coil...never felt a thing...then a week later as I'm washing a dish at the sink I "see" my arm with a big mark on it and a puffy redness all around it...still no feeling, but I got out my hydrogen peroxide and swabbed over it....only Then did I feel any pain...it is healing now finally. I flashed back to when I was @ 8y/o...broke my arm at the wrist...I heard it snap...I know it must have hurt, I was rollerskating.....I made no sound, cradled my arm, went in the house, sat down, both parents doing dishes, I was so quiet they did not know I was even there, when they finally saw me I said I was fine...I sat there like a stone...finally my dad came over to me and I must have started to show pain on my face, he saw my arm and tried to help, but I could not keep the hurt in any longer and started sobbing...the wrist bone was broke/bent over. I learned very early in life, to not make noise/show emotion or anger would errupt from my M.....my D was at work alot, but all I knew was if I felt emotion...Go Numb...it's silent...learned behavior..when there is too much pain!!

Sandals

I hear you! That was one of my messages, too: crying is irritating, so no crying even if you are in pain. I also get that when I hurt myself. "Hmmm...where'd that blood come from? Oh crap, I cut myself...." Realization from seeing, not feeling.

It's such a false message. You have a voice and deserve to be heard! I'm so sorry your parents did not have the capacity to nurture and love you the way a child should have been. :hug: