The Well of Comfort

[rainydiary]

I used to get my fill from your presence
I felt a well of comfort inside
I heard a reassuring echo from within

This delicate structure stood on
A faulty foundation
Of years and years and years of no comfort

What I ignored is how each misunderstanding
Left cracks in the side
Small tiny holes where my comfort slowly seeped out

When our worst storm arrived my well crumbled
I stumbled and fell
When I looked up I saw the desert I was in

I have felt alone ever since
Ashamed of the assumptions made about what you must mean to me
The echo of reassurance now a ghostly empty howl of despair

I am learning to build a new well
From providing myself comfort
But I am still in the desert
Hoping for a helping hand
..........
This evening I had a very sad revelation.  In meeting new people at work, I've had several folks make assumptions about the comfort my husband must have brought when he got to our new home.

I feel so much shame when they speak about their own relationships and my experience is so different.  I don't want to say anything because of my shame and other reasons I can't really identify right now. 

I wrote this poem to try to express my feelings which really come down to how I've felt responsible for providing my own comfort for so long and it is lonely.

[Mary Ann]

Thank you so much for sharing this.
A lot of us don't find comfort from our relationships in the same way that non complex trauma people do...but it's not something people often put into words, and it's hard for others to understand it.
And having to build a new well and being your own comfort is lonely....and exhausting. And it's a loneliness that others can't see.
Anyway, I really appreciate your sharing this

[rainydiary]

Thank you Mary Ann.

[paul72]

Thank you for sharing this rainydiary
I wish I could send comfort your way...
I offer my sympathy, understanding and love and hope that your new well brings you this and so much self-love and peace.
I hope writing it down helped.. you really write beautifully.

[OwnSide]

Oh I feel this deeply.

Could we...?  Like one of those long deep ones that put your soul back in your body? I think we both need it. If hugs are something that comfort you.

[sanmagic7]

 

j  know this.