Marianne's journal

[Marianne]

I wish to start a recovery journal.

I have complex PTSD with psychosis (delusions).

This is my history.
* I was incidentally sexually abused in my family.
* I was emotionally abused in my nuclear family, I think. I don't know what to call it, but it made me feel unsafe and unloved. Boundaries were crossed. 
* I learned to fight back. Whenever I didn't, the emotional abuse would go on and on and on until I broke. My own fighting back also crossed their and my boundaries though. I felt like a bad person because of it.
* I did not fit in at school. I was socially awkward, gentle and shy. I wasn't really bullied, but I was lonely.
* I was very good at choosing bad partners. My first boyfriend was manipulative, untrustworthy, drug abusing, cheating, spending my money and said later that he scored high on psychopathy. The father of my child was emotionally and sexually abusive, with lots of threats and manipulation. When he started to threat (kidnapping) and bully my newborn child I quit contact. Experts said he had autism plus narcissism or sociopathy.
* I had to fight for three years with CPS and the courts, to project my child. They said: "a psychopath can be a good father too" and "oh well, if he really kidnaps him, you will get him back one day". They threatened me, lied in court, pressured experts (succesfully) to withdraw their testimonies, wrote reports that were factually incorrect and biased.
* I got psychotic because of all that, multiple times. These were the most hellish experiences one can imagine. I literally believed I and people I loved would be tortured and it would never stop, not even after death.
* This brought me into psychiatry, which was traumatic too. I was violently locked up, chained to a bed, isolated, etcetera, even if I never was a danger to others. After eleven years of begging for therapy, there still hasn't been any form of therapy.
* My child now grows up with my family. I feel unsafe with that. I am kept away as a mum and my son is told I'm a bad mother.
* Several other traumatic events and periods. Men harrassing me, witnessing a horrible fatal accident, etcetera.

Some of my symptoms.
* Fear. Loads and loads of it. Terror.
* Delusions. Which is terror times 100.000. Severe freeze responses. The idea this will last for eternity.
* Worthlessness. Shame. Guilt. I oftentimes feel I'm the most evil person in the world and the cause of all the problems in the world.
* Anger. I'm angry at my family, at CPS and at psychiatry. Lashing out.
* Religious despair. Fear of *. Collapse of my world view. The world is a scary place.
* Avoidance behaviour
* Disorganized attachment
* Social isolation and disturbed family relationships
* Denial and dissociation, though less of it nowadays
* Not being capable of being a good mother to my child, which is my saddest symptom.
* Use of (prescribed) medication. I see this as a problem, not a solution. It is just another way to numb pain and (chemically) dissociate, as I see it.

Some symptoms that I worked on successfully already
* Boundary problems. I did not feel, understand or express my own boundaries. I did not register if someone crossed them. I have a better sense of boundaries now.
* Lack of understanding what is normal or abnormal in relationships. I still struggle with this, but it's already a lot better than before.
* Lack of self reflection. I was not good at reflecting on, understanding, being aware of or expressing my own feelings and behaviour. I got a lot better at that.
* Reckless behaviour. I stopped that.
* Use of alcohol, internet and (rarely though) drugs to deal with difficult feelings. I stopped that.
* Feeling I was solely responsible for all my family's issues. I was always told "you are the cause of all our problems, you are bad" in so many ways. I started to untangle what is me and what is the other.
* Dissociation and denial. I have less and less of that, I have been confronting many of my problems.
* Seeking out creepy rescuers for relationships. Being codependent. Lack of sexual boundaries. I stopped that.

I want to report my progression here. I might have some autistic traits, without being truly autistic, and everything that happened was very emotional to me. This makes it difficult to write short messages, I have loads of details. Sorry for that.

[Marianne]

Today I spoke with the psychiatrist, my dad, the child psychologist.

Good thing: the psychiatrist seemed to finally understand that some things were strange in my family. Or at least listened to that. He first wanted custody to move from me to my father and that's off the table for now. He even went against my father when he said whatever my mum did to me was not his responsibility. Psych said parents are a team and you have a shared responsibility to take care of your children, and he may want to reflect on the question whether (not sure how to translate) some things went wrong in his fatherhood. Trauma therapy was offered. We made the appointment of starting systems therapy.

Bad thing: my dad was not amused by me starting to share that I did not feel safe in our family. He said in a threatening tone that he would not speak to me for a while and would contemplate what he would do (he means, as said many times before, what countermeasures he will take around my kid). I got emotional. I'm scared of him. In a very subtle way, without others picking up on it, he can hint at threatening things. Like taking my son even further away from me, which is what he meant with "i will see what i'm going to do".

[Armee]

Hi Marianne,

I'm sorry for all you are going through. Sending a supportive hug if it is welcome.

[Marianne]

Thank you. Sorry, I feel stupid today for complaining on the internet. I feel desperate at the moment though. I feel guilty because I can't be a mother to my child. And I feel lonely that being an accepted and loved part of my family is out of reach. I want them to see even just one single good trait in me.

I'm grateful too though, for the few close friends I have. Who see good in me. Who accept me as I am, even if I'm very traumatized.

[Armee]

Maybe it isn't complaining but a step toward healing?

I can't imagine how painful it would be to be separated from my children and to be worried that they are being raised in the same harmful environment. No matter where you are you can let your child know you love them and want them....that can be the glue until you are reunited. I truly can't imagine the pain.

[Marianne]

Armee, thank you so much. It does hurt. And I let him know I love him.

I'm starting to be more and more aware that my family is deeply unhealthy. I'm believing them less and less, and this hurts, but it is so incredibly freeing. I don't need to twist my truth to fit theirs anymore. I'm starting to believe in myself, in baby steps.

And at the same time, it hurts like *. My child. I wasn't capable of protecting him. I failed him. Was too confused and hurt myself, and nobody helped me. Everyone defended my family. I've been begging for help everywhere, and all of those idiotic mental health workers pushed me back into it...told me my family was normal and I shouldn't complain. I'm being kept away from my child by my dad, and they don't do a single thing.

There's some changes here too...there's someone in my life now who believes me. My mental health team starts to see something is off.

But the fact that my kid grows up with them, and I didn't protect him, because I had no power left and they convinced me I was evil and they were good...is nearly unbearable though. Every time my heart breaks and breaks and breaks.

[Blueberry]

Sending soothing, compassion and understanding for your broken heart. Gentle 

[Marianne]

Thank you.

I'm so scared.

I'm sad that I don't have a family. But that's a futility compared to the fear I have, because my child is being kept away from me. And then that again is a futility compared to the pain I have, because he grows up with someone who destroyed me emotionally. And I fear he is destroying my kid as well.

I've been begging people for help for eight years, and they just help my dad. Because he seems so reasonable. Even I, every time my dad acts nicely, can't believe he really did all the manipulation on purpose. If I can't believe it, how can everyone else ever do so?

[Blueberry]

Marianne, I believe you. There will be more mbrs on here who do too but just haven't written due to what's going on in their lives rn.

I'm in a rush but want to give you info from our sister website OOTF that might help a little: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle
I go back to the diagram again and again when my own FOO mbrs are sounding 'reasonable' to others or even to my Parts. If not helpful atm or worse - triggering - ignore. 

[Armee]

I completely understand what you mean, Marianne, about sometimes not being able to believe it even ourselves. They've definitely trained us to doubt ourselves. It's part of the art they deploy.

The social worker you are working with...do they get it at least? It sounded like they saw the manipulation and lack of empathy at least.

I don't want to interrogate you in any way and truly can't imagine the pain you are in - not just being separated from your son but watching the person who hurt you raise him. And you don't have to answer this at all...butbi find myself wondering if the social workers made clear to you what needs to happen for you to be reunited with your son? You wrote (I think) that you have full custody...and I just want to be able to encourage you, too, along your path toward getting him back.

Hugs, dear.

[Marianne]

The social worker saw some minor things. She seems to think my father is autistic. Which might very well be true, but there is more. His mum was narcissistic, he himself said. And since a few years he his really using scary manipulation techniques that frighten the * out of me. The social worker thinks he is vulnerable as well. And he may be...but not in a loving or empathic way. He sees himself as the great rescuer of my kid, and he doesn't want to see he literally drives me insane. And how that hurts my kid as well. First he kicks me down, than he tells my son "ohhh dear kid, I will help you ". It's sick. 

I myself can't respond well anymore either, so that they can point at me. Like: my dad said something horrible on the phone. I text him: dad, that is horrible, you just said x and I can't take it anymore...you are belittling me all the time...stop, please stop! He would send back that I'm fantasizing and make him look bad, that I'm the one manipulating. He told my brothers as well and they believe him. I can't prove the original remark, so it looks as though I am the aggressor, as he twists it. It's always like that. I'm not calculated.

My kid just saw my sadness. I told him I'm sad granddad doesn't let me meet him outside of his home, and have beaten myself up about that... now I was involving my kid as well, and put him inbetween...I don't want that. I'm just a bit desperate atm and this makes me more reactive. My dad obviously started to threaten revenge...so I'm afraid what he will do. I hate myself for doing this. Now my kid sees me as the agressor, and I involved him too, which I hate. And my dad will increase his nastiness as a revenge.

The social worker wants to think with me, but she doesn't know either.

[Armee]

It's nearly impossible not to react in that situation Marianne. Try not to beat yourself up cause that won't make it any easier. I'm sorry that I thought your social worker understood more.

What is super clear is your love for your son. That makes you a good mom. 💛

[Blueberry]

It's nearly impossible not to react in that situation Marianne. Try not to beat yourself up cause that won't make it any easier. I'm sorry that I thought your social worker understood more.

What is super clear is your love for your son. That makes you a good mom. 💛

Marianne, somewhere above I wrote that I believe you. That's true. But I really meant to write that I believe 'it'.

[Marianne]

Thank you so much.

It is difficult not to respond. It's like my heart is being ripped out every day, but I have to be all calm and happy, or everyone - including my son - thinks I'm the insane one. Even more than they do.

The social worker did see some things... she saw some of his behaviour. But she was still hopeful he means well deep down. And now he knows she saw, so he can rearrange his strategies. I'm not strategical or manipulative, so I'm always on the losing side. Even only having feelings makes me vulnerable.

[Hope67]

Hi Marianne,
I hope you're doing ok - I read some of the things you've gone through, and I really hope that you get some support with everything. 
Hope