In the mirror

[Mary Ann]

I can't meet my own eyes,
Or even glance in the mirror
Without a tide of revulsion or disgust,
A flood of fear that one day, I'll squeak away the steam,
And it'll be her eyes glaring back from my face.
A shadow of her, crept up on me, progressively,
In my features and form, a sickness that only I can see,
An ugly code, laid down long before my birth
Crippled with a destiny I cannot avoid,

Her face, eyes, her movements,
Wits even, were heavy and dull as lead.
Skin just this side of gray, like suet pastry
Over worked by a grubby hands.
Face flat and dour, slow moving almost bovine
Till she sprang, changing gear, a different creature now.
Intense and sharp, voice sneering and bitter
With hands that could hit,
And words that hit harder.

Solid feet, square as blocks
Stout legs, unshaven thick columns
With a pouch of fat, just inside the knees
Which cause no end of complaints
Up on the sofa, where she drapes herself on Dad
Eating constantly, belching in frowned defiance
Her sticky glass always full,
But her eyes dead and empty.

'Why won't you look at me! Do I disgust you!!
Her insecurity speaks with angers iron voice..
Formidable and squat like a great fleshy fortress.
Blue veined breasts, downturned and pendulous
Wide, flat, rolls of fat corrugate her waist
One for each baby, she sighs bitterly.
Shame keeps my eyes tied captive, I Don't look at her?
I can't  feel my own body or even look at myself!
Yet  i know her bulk, the shape of her pubic hair
Better than I want to..I'm confronted with it daily.
And she's the only mirror I have.

She was the template, the paper pattern,
For what it is to be a woman,
The word Mother makes me sick, or desolate with grief
For the Mum I should have had, and need to be.
So I've  used a borrowed pattern,
Read stories, played games, rode bikes, pushed swings
Picked up conkers, and splashed in puddles,
Performed surgery on  toys loved and worn with play.
And we've cried and laughed, on a good day.
But even on a bad one...I look  at HER in the mirror
With my own eyes, I'm staring my destiny in the face,
And I'm saying No.

[Mary Ann]

This feels a very scary thing to share.
It's one of the more uncomfortable things about having family members who were abusive or scary. Every time I see myself, look at my own knees or hands or hair, I'm reminded of them, physically, because we're related...of course there's resemblance. Every time I over react or get angry or moody, the worry is I'm being like them. Or it's only a matter of time before I turn into that...like an illness I've been born with that doesn't show till later!
I almost recoil when I see myself....it's awful and not a good reaction.
So this is a poem about how things were with my M, because as a kid and a teenager she was quite intrusive with me...she took it as an insult that I was uncomfortable to see her naked...My life affected how I feel about being a mother and even a woman, now.
One of my caregivers when I was a child would say scathing things to me if she saw me looking in a mirror at my face...and she insisted I was 'vain'
She also cut my hair (I never went to a hairdresser) and then when she'd done it my Parents would imply that she'd cut too much off so I'd look bad.
I can go for a long time without ever looking in a mirror, and things  like hairdressers appointments are deeply uncomfortable.

[Not Alone]

Thank you for sharing your very personal poem, powerful and full of feeling.

[Kizzie]

I look  at HER in the mirror
With my own eyes, I'm staring my destiny in the face,
And I'm saying No.

I'm so glad you shared this Mary Ann scary as it is.  It's so important for us and those who think abused children go on to become abusers.  There are many of us who like you say "No" and refuse to become our mothers/fathers. 

FWIW perhaps knowing this you can begin to look at yourself in the mirror because you are stronger and more loving than your mother. It is not your fate or destiny to become her because you have said no. Me too.  We are working hard to break the cycle and about that I think we can be proud IMO. 

[Mary Ann]

Thanks for reading...I'm glad I wrote about it, because usually the things I'm scared to say are the things I need to say, and process...and the fear forever comes and goes...but we're not doomed to repeat the same mistakes of our parents, even though it seems to feel that way..

[Kizzie]

   Good for you for taking the risk.

[DevinEvePhoenix]

Thank you for sharing this. It's a hard thing to deal with.