Question about admitting it happened

[Little2Nothing]

It took me over 55 years to even acknowledge to myself that I suffered SA. It was only 2 months ago that I even spoke about it to my T. 

It is easier to acknowledge it here because no one here actually knows me. The complete anonymity makes it safer. 

With all the things that happened to me the SA was the single most demeaning and impactful thing to happen. I left the SA completely out of the book I composed because that was too painful to recount. 

I still struggle to discuss my SA with my therapist and very cryptically mentioned it to my wife. 

[Chart]

Little2Nothing, Your short "simple" post speaks to me like thunder of the utter, total and absolute struggle of overcoming childhood trauma. No one can judge what you can or cannot do. No one. There is no rational understanding anywhere that can grasp "why" this happened to you. It just did. You are the innocent who has paid with pain your whole life. That you can say anything at all is a profound testament to your enormous courage and strength. I respect you so very much. What you have shared is a gift and inspiration to me. Thank you. I wish you wholeness and deep wellspring love to you and the innocent child you were never allowed to be.

[CactusFlower]

Kizzie-
Yes, I do still check in on this and everyone has been very helpful. There is so much wisdom in our shared experiences and so much healing in knowing we're not alone with our feelings.

[Papa Coco]

Little2Nothing

Thank you for sharing that post on April 13 above.

I thought I had processed my own stories of CSA as deeply as they could be processed, and yet, reading the recent posts by yourself and one or two other OOTS members as of late has begun to strip away another layer of varnish I hadn't really noticed was there.

I've been dealing with the sadness and frustration of CSA for 40 years. I realize now that I had assumed that was as close to the memories as I was ever going to be able to go. And yet, something about the posts being shared this past week by yourself and a few others is giving me permission to dig a bit deeper and to address the hidden, lost horrors of what really happened.

This is a good thing. The fact that my brain is willing to release the core files and actual memories is an unexpected relief. I feel like I've been carrying 300 pounds of baggage that I didn't realize I was carrying, and that maybe, just maybe, that weight might fall off soon, leaving me to feel lighter and nimbler, and more grateful to still be alive today.