Question about admitting it happened

[CactusFlower]

Something I noticed with my therapist is that I have, so far, extreme difficulty even saying this happened, although it did. Like, it's actually hard to say the words. Does/Did anyone else have trouble saying it, as if it would make it finally real or even change you for saying it at all? I sometimes wonder if this is how people feel when they have to get up the ability in AA to actually say "My name is X and I'm an alcoholic." Like that is a pivotal point? I hope this makes sense.

(note: I am aware from years in the medical industry of how being able to recite the facts of an event is different from being able to emotionally state and process it.)

[treehugger]

For me, yes 100% true. I actually cannot get the words out. I've shared enough that my therapist knows what happened and I'm trying to be able to talk about it but it is so hard.

I think shame is a huge component but I still haven't managed to completely sort out what else I'm feeling that makes it so hard. Maybe also not feeling safe enough? Even though I have no reason to feel unsafe in therapy. I don't know yet if it's a pivotal moment since all I've been able to do is answer questions in the affirmative.

I'm sorry you have had to survive this as well.

[woodsgnome]

For me, I tend to have a sharp memory; sometimes I wish I didn't remember what happened at all. There is one lengthy time gap, that I'm just as glad I don't fully recall all that took place; just know too well the pain and fear it still stirs. That something fairly awful happened then, I'm sure of; but I've lost interest in trying for full recall on that one anymore. Therapy is about healing, with no more than enough memory to begin pointing away from the past hurt, and to the present/future healing or continuing to find a way to heal better.

So I'm able to relate most things that happened, but am also quite coy and careful about providing deep detail I'd feel edgy or uncomfortable with. In therapy, sometimes it's just a matter of how at ease the T's approach makes one feel. I've been with my current T a few years and as time passed, it did get easier than with previous T's.

Outside the realm of therapy, though, it's much trickier regarding details. The reactions can run all over, from doubt to disbelief to excessive and phony-seeming sympathy.

Minute details, in any case, aren't always necessary -- it involves incidents that can't be changed, as far as what happened. What can change is how one handles it now, and how one deals with any leftover pain, grief, anger, and/or other aspects of the memory that still hurts. So it's a bit of a mixed bag as to how much detail is necessary. Yet it's still better emotionally if I can feel safe enough to tell some people I trust enough.

Even in therapy, though, I've noticed that yes it's easier to tell certain details, but still hesitate on providing the full gory details, as they can derail my current state of working on how things are affecting me now, and what I can do to live with myself.

My current T is also good at not pressing for more details than those that serve the purpose of outlining what the result was, more than every detail. So I guess, in my experience, the key has been the high trust level I've reached with her. Still, there's definitely details where I can get to the edge of my comfort zone (really none of it is fully comfortable). There is definitely a point at which the details are too powerful for me to feel safe (safe in the sense of not becoming ill, for instance).  The T is good at not forcing the issue, but as stated is very good at sensing when more detail isn't as vital as to focus on how I'm healing beyond that past and continuing to work with where I'm at now. She's just good at discerning where I'm at with any disclosure. That said, there are definitely times when I can emotionally crash, and she has a knack for just being supportive before we get back to moving forward.

I hope you begin to feel better as you progress along this rocky road. 

[Kizzie]

Absolutely agree CactusFlower, it's when we've uttered words out loud, especially when we aren't dissociated, when we're present enough to hear and feel them that they have such an impact.  It feels to me like   "Well, there I've said it and now I can't ignore or push away the issue anymore.  Now I have to deal with it and it's painful and scary."  It's also a relief in a strange way or so I've found. 

[DevinEvePhoenix]

Nine months ago, a visit to where I grew up sent me into a tailspin. I had been working with my current therapist for over 3 years, and I had not been willing to even begin to address childhood trauma with her. I came back early, got myself into her office, increased my visits, and started sharing my background.

I had shared the SA, or the parts I remember, with a couple of previous therapists, but it has been different with her. For the first time, I actually really trust that a therapist holds me in unconditional positive regard, which we also call unconditional love.  And I could actually be really honest.

Now, I'm starting to put feelings together with the scenes in my head. Those feelings slip into place, and I want to pull them apart again. But I don't. It's making me not just "know" it was real, but "feel" it was real, too.

Sometimes progress just doesn't exactly feel like it.

[Mary Ann]

For what it's worth, for years even with my therapist...I never referred to it as SA...tho it was, because I just couldn't stick those words to it somehow. I always referred to 'the Grotty stuff that happened'.
And it varies from day to day. For ages, I could trot through my experiences in T, almost recite it like a shopping list....but it almost didn't mean anything, it's like it wasn't me. It took a long long time before I actually felt something about it that I could identify.....like grief.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to add that my T is big on taking things in small bites versus rip the bandaid off so I can slowly learn to tolerate the feelings that come with consciously remembering (and feeling) my trauma. 

I like this because I know I can take things in my stride when I am ready.

Last session I said something out loud I hadn't wanted to speak about and I did not fall apart like I would have in the past.  It was more a sense of relief than anything that I'd finally said it and I credit our slow and safety conscious approach for that. 

[CactusFlower]

Mary Ann, I get what you're saying about reciting it. I used to work in an ER and I learned that when people are in shock (i.e., trauma), Descriptions often become very short and factual because the emotions are blocked from it to cope.

And yeah, my T agrees with the little steps at a time as well. Sometimes they bring up a big thing, but then we work on the parts of it.

[Not Alone]

Very hard to say some words. Even in my journal, I write the first letter only or just a blank.

[woodsgnome]

I had a very rough experience with this only yesterday, when I dared to share a very few details of some very personal injuries relating to SA, to my spirit as well as the bare bones physical.

And ... yet again; this person I somewhat trust proved difficult to be wholly trusted. One part of me relates to how cruel and invalidating their ignorance is. Upon reflection, though, no matter the words, my only reluctant conclusion is that they'll never really get the gist of what I'm talking about.

This has had me feeling bad, that I can't seem to relate how awful this stuff really was. It's alright, I guess -- I'm so used to the loneliness, but it seems to reach new depths as I watch my hopes for understanding crash yet again.   

[DD]

It is so hard for me when all I look for is for someone to see me and witness my trauma and accept it. And they don't.

But we do.

It is always the fault of the one bearing witness if they fail to do so. Sharing the trauma is an act of huge courage. And it hurts for that to not be seen. and to be yet again unsupported. But if you can, take away that you had that courage. It speaks of beautiful things of you.

[Bach]

I hate how I think I can just say it and instead I hesitate with long pauses and lots of "umm"s between words, it always feels like I'm performing a role of "distressed person" and that I'm not very convincing.  Then if I start getting teary, I feel that the other person is rolling their eyes and thinking "Oh, there she goes again, UGH" or something.  I've started to get angry about how much my needs and feelings must have been minimised and silenced when I was a child.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear it's so difficult for you Bach     I think that's why Pete Walker suggests we do have to tap into our anger so we can say yes it happened, it was real, and I am suffering because of it.  You can definitely get angry and say what you need to here and no-one will roll their eyes as Dragon Dancer and Bermuda suggest.  We've got you 

[DD]

I think it is perfectly normal to struggle getting the words out. I have this too. I think it describes how much of a wound it has left behind, of difficulty in coming to terms with it. Saying it out loud requires that you believe it yourself, that you believe your experience, and your intuition. I think that has been robbed of many of us here.

But this is not something you do to get attention. This is not something we struggle with because we're too sensitive or weak. We struggle with this because we've been hurt, violated, traumatized. And while none of it was in any way our fault, the struggle is real. Your intuition is real.

One thing I've struggled most I think is believing myself. Because no one believed in me. But bit by bit that is changing. One thing that helps is writing. Sometimes it is easier to write the hard thing on paper instead of saying it out loud. Also I started saying "something happened" to the few I trust with this. It is not, in my opinion, necessary to go into details, until it is for you.

I hope you find things that work for you and that one day you may look back to this day and see how very far in healing you've become.

[Armee]

Just got a lot more real here in my world. We've been dancing around the issue for awhile now. Just referring to it vaguely as "younger stuff" as opposed to what happened at 19. But today the words were spoken in therapy. That was sort of OK but he told me he'd send me a recommendation for a book to share with H given my recent multi-day triggered freak out. He sent a photo of the book cover: Allies in Healing: When the person you love was sexually abused as a child. Kind of landed like a punch to the gut.

I need to talk to my H tonight and explain why I have been so weird this week. I haven't been able to look at him. I have been hiding my things and literally tiptoeing around the house trying to erase my presence. Weirdly too thru this I forgot about my T. I forgot he was there and a resource. Hes been there for me for more than 5 years but forgot he exists. I had no idea I had anyone who could help me all I could think was that they should have killed me and that I can't fix this.