Re-New

[Assembly]

I was here late in 2015. I don't recall how long I stayed. Most likely short, sporadic attempts.
Currently, my anxiety is waffling between leaving without posting, or checking other's intros first.

I was the last born into the well-established dysfunctional unit. Violence, neglect, abuses, like a deck of cards, pick one, any one. Give it a real good shuffle, pay no attention to those disappearing up sleeves, or in pockets. Forget they ever existed. Cards are added, lost, deliberately tossed out and the gaslighting shuffle never ends.

Decades pass. Layer upon layer of recreation.

Therapists, psychiatrists, journals, and blogs, Medications and diagnosis change like the seasons. Inpatient. outpatient, individual and group therapies. Hundreds, no thousands of books, read, listened to, YouTube, Ted Talks, Oprah, Brene, Deepak and Gandhi.

I'll be 64 this summer. Still working and have no intention of retiring anytime soon. Computers and telework are wonderful.

Last weekend, after a very long hiatus, the night terrors returned. So, here I am. 

Prayer never forget prayer.  Thank you for being here.  ~Assembly~

[Hope67]

Hi Assembly,
Welcome back.  I'm sorry to hear you've had night terrors again. 

Just wanted to welcome you.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hello and welcome back Assembly, so sorry to hear you continue to struggle with recovery. Was there anything that happened recently that might have triggered the night terrors?

I have no idea if this is relevant to your situation but recently I had a very bad stretch with bad anxiety attacks.  Came to find out with the help of my GP and a psychiatrist that the SSRI I was on was actually increasing my anxiety rather than reducing it.  I changed to a different SSRI, a newer type and am feeling back to myself again. 

My point being if there hasn't been something to trigger your night terrors perhaps there is something going on that is causing them to rise up again that is physical in nature? 

Either way I hope being here will help you figure things out and they will subside.

[Assembly]

Thank you for the reply and the welcome back.
I have thought about why.

Isolation throughout my life has been my comfort zone. There's been times I didn't isolate and made progress. But when overwhelmingly triggered, I close off. With my history, I don't always know what the trigger is.

Since the beginning of the pandemic, I've had reprieve. Not only was it okay to isolate but expected.
My work is computer based and my customers don't rely on me being in the office.
Now everything is reopening and next month reentry will begin.

I know I should be in therapy. The thought of therapist searching and rehashing again and again is overwhelming.
I know my attitude regarding therapy is defeatist and anxiety driven. My personal experience has led me to believe trauma and its affects is not understood very well. There has been progress and I know there's help out there. I find it difficult to believe I have access to it. Not taking on new patients or cash only at a price beyond my means has been a major stop block.

I don't trust anyone poking at the hornets' nest anymore. My intro post was intentionally obscure to avoid poking it myself. I'm still cleaning up the fallout from 2015.

The night terrors are such a huge red flag I know better than to ignore them.
Is the fact I'm exhausted at the thought of reentering therapy my energy's way of telling me it's not the way to go?
I don't know.
Thank you for being here. ~Assembly~

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Assembly 

I can relate to what you said about the anxiety of possibly re-entering  a more formal sort of therapy. You wondered whether therapy with a therapist is the way to go.

I don't feel that it ever is the ultimate way, but it can help one see the whole picture. I have the luxury, now, of having finally forged a very good relationship with my present therapist, following years of roaming around a mixed bag of therapists, none of whom I felt could connect to me or my core issues in any meaningful manner. Meanwhile, I kept exploring on my own to understand aspects of trauma recovery on my own.

A more formal relationship with a therapist might add some perspective, but it's never the only way. It seems like you're realizing that as well, which has drawn you back to this forum, seeking out other ideas and approaches.

I'm reminded of something my current therapist told me from the start: "I don't do therapy for people; instead I work with them as they seeking to create a more fulfilling life after trauma." Yet it took me years to find someone realistic enough to see that, and keep in mind that any therapists are helpers, not fixers.

[Kizzie]