The two sides of my mother

[littlebluejay]

This is my first post and one of the things I am most struggling with right now. Discussion involves not being able to reconcile the two sides of my abusive mother.

Everywhere around me I see the goodness of my mother. A mailed box of Easter gifts, I'm wearing a shirt she bought me, she's in pictures hanging on my wall, she sends me texts about the charity work she's involved in. And yet, the other side of my mother is all around me, too. It's in my nightmares and flashbacks, my fears, my self-talk. I can't even call her an abuser--it just feels so wrong, even though what she's done to me repeatedly is awful (I've just recently truly accepted the reality of this). How could these two sides coexist? How can I reconcile both sides? How can she possibly be both this good and this awful at the same time? I'm able to reconcile the two sides of most people, those who've offended me but not traumatized me. It's different with my mother because the sides are so different. And she never acknowledges or seems to notice the awful side of herself.

I know my mother has undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, although she would never agree. I know she has her own trauma. I use these to excuse away her actions. And I think, if she can be so good on one hand, it must be me that brings out the monster.

Does anyone have any insight? Anyone else struggle with this? It is so hard to accept that my mother can contain all the good and evil I have experienced. I don't know how to accept it.

[paul72]

Hey littlebluejay
There have been plenty of times I wondered this. I mean, who was I to question the awful things when everyone else just sees the goodness?
In my experience the goodness wasn't real, at least it wasn't to me. I think it can be a mirage to simply be recognized by others for being so wonderful.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now.. it may also be because it's your mother, that its so different than with most people as far as reconciling it too. 
I wish I had a good answer.. I thought my mother's mental illness was an excuse too for a long time...and I was just the unfortunate casualty, but that isn't how it works. You deserve(d) safety, caring, and love no matter what. I'm sorry that you're haven't. I hope you find some wonderful help here.. you deserve that too.

[Kizzie]

Hey littlebluejay, my mother sounds like yours and what I came to find out was her behaviour was typical of someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder. 

She portrayed the good mother, wife, friend, etc but did so to garner attention of the "Isn't she a wonderful mother/wife/friend?" variety.  I struggled with understanding and accepting she was abusive for many years, decades really until finally I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and had to admit I had been abused.

Whether or not your M suffers from NPD, the fact is if you have Complex PTSD symptoms you were abused.  They are common to relational trauma and the fact that they are common validates the fact that survivors respond in certain ways to survive abuse/neglect. 

None of us want to be a part of this particular tribe but at least we have each other, we don't have to suffer alone. 

[Armee]

Hi littlebluejay. I love your name and have such a soft spot for birds.

I can relate to all of your post. My mom portrayed such a victim. I started to add "...that no know else can understand the evil that she did." Then I deleted that because I am as conflicted as you. My heart raced and my brain told me it wasn't evil she was just mentally ill. You (me) are bad and wrong etc. All that played out for me just in half a sentence.

Kizzie may be right on the covert NPD but my mom displayed similar traits but seems to better fit with BPD. Just mentioning in case NPD doesn't sound quite right to you.  (My mom also was diagnosed with but never acknowledged bipolar disorder, along with it). I think the damage from BPD and NPD abuse are about the same.

[littlebluejay]

Hey littlebluejay
There have been plenty of times I wondered this. I mean, who was I to question the awful things when everyone else just sees the goodness?
In my experience the goodness wasn't real, at least it wasn't to me. I think it can be a mirage to simply be recognized by others for being so wonderful.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now.. it may also be because it's your mother, that its so different than with most people as far as reconciling it too. 
I wish I had a good answer.. I thought my mother's mental illness was an excuse too for a long time...and I was just the unfortunate casualty, but that isn't how it works. You deserve(d) safety, caring, and love no matter what. I'm sorry that you're haven't. I hope you find some wonderful help here.. you deserve that too.

You're right, I think the fact she is my mother is also keeping me from reconciling it, from truly accepting both sides. There is a tie to one's mother. An innate desire to please and even protect.
Thank you for your words. When I look back at little me I get so sad--how could she have denied me such safety? Now that I'm an adult I have been able to find my own community of support, including a figure that I consider more of a mom to me than my actual mom. But I still have those ties to my mother. And I want a relationship, just not like how it is.
This community here has already been so comforting. Thank you 

[littlebluejay]

Hey littlebluejay, my mother sounds like yours and what I came to find out was her behaviour was typical of someone with covert narcissistic personality disorder. 

She portrayed the good mother, wife, friend, etc but did so to garner attention of the "Isn't she a wonderful mother/wife/friend?" variety.  I struggled with understanding and accepting she was abusive for many years, decades really until finally I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and had to admit I had been abused.

Whether or not your M suffers from NPD, the fact is if you have Complex PTSD symptoms you were abused.  They are common to relational trauma and the fact that they are common validates the fact that survivors respond in certain ways to survive abuse/neglect. 

None of us want to be a part of this particular tribe but at least we have each other, we don't have to suffer alone. 

Thank you for this. The covert NPD sounds a lot like my mother. I've had two different therapists tell me over the past 4 years her behavior is abusive. It's maybe been 2 years that I've considered it. And it has been showing up in my symptoms since I was a child. I had a complete shutdown this weekend, turns out I was in an intense hypoarousal state and my body was trying to protect me. Thank you for that assurance... the fact I have these symptoms validates that I've walked through abuse and relational trauma. Even when my mind tries to convince me I've made it up and it's all in my head.

Thank you for your words, I'm already finding this community to be so helpful and comforting 

[littlebluejay]

Hi littlebluejay. I love your name and have such a soft spot for birds.

I can relate to all of your post. My mom portrayed such a victim. I started to add "...that no know else can understand the evil that she did." Then I deleted that because I am as conflicted as you. My heart raced and my brain told me it wasn't evil she was just mentally ill. You (me) are bad and wrong etc. All that played out for me just in half a sentence.

Kizzie may be right on the covert NPD but my mom displayed similar traits but seems to better fit with BPD. Just mentioning in case NPD doesn't sound quite right to you.  (My mom also was diagnosed with but never acknowledged bipolar disorder, along with it). I think the damage from BPD and NPD abuse are about the same.

Ugh, how I relate with all of this. I have all those same thoughts, and I question everything. My therapist today said that's the worst kind of abuse when you can see both the good and bad so clearly. When everyone around you goes on and on about how good the abuser is, but at home, they are a different person. My mom portrays to be such a victim, too. Whether that's in her marriage, her parenting (or lack thereof), etc. It's hard not to feel sorry for her. I will look more into BPD too. My mom has never been diagnosed bipolar but I really think she is. I just think her mania presents more as out-of-control rage and this incessant desire to expose others/prove others wrong. There's probably a lot going on but I know she will never willingly be evaluated.

Thank you for sharing with me, I hate that you have gone through similar things and struggle with similar things, but I am so glad I'm not alone in these horrible thoughts.

And thank you for the compliment on my name. We had lots of bluejays around where I lived growing up. They were noisy but they were so funny and beautiful!

[Armee]

Those blue jays have tons of character. We have scrub jays here but I assume they are similar.

I am embarrassed to say I am quite lucky because my mom passed away last year so I am done with the torture. It's been a massive psychological and physical relief. Now I only have to navigate the condolences that trickle in when people learn of her passing. I have been pretty open but sometimes quite gracelessly in expressing my relief.

I hope you find a way for some relief or enough healing that it is bearable without attacking yourself.

Right now I'm sitting outside and there's a noisy baby titmouse bird chirping away at its parent.

[littlebluejay]

Those blue jays have tons of character. We have scrub jays here but I assume they are similar.

I am embarrassed to say I am quite lucky because my mom passed away last year so I am done with the torture. It's been a massive psychological and physical relief. Now I only have to navigate the condolences that trickle in when people learn of her passing. I have been pretty open but sometimes quite gracelessly in expressing my relief.

I hope you find a way for some relief or enough healing that it is bearable without attacking yourself.

Right now I'm sitting outside and there's a noisy baby titmouse bird chirping away at its parent.

I've thought about this a lot, the relief of what it'd feel like for it all to be over. I hate admitting that. But I really believe at this point my mother is not capable of change, so the only way out is for her to pass. Again, I hate admitting that. There's a lot I love about my mom too and I know I would miss those aspects a lot. It's very complicated. The following sentence is a trigger warning about a threat she often says to me concerning her own death, so skip this sentence if you don't want to read it-->> my mom will often tell me she is going to kill herself, or that she will die in a car crash while she's mad at me, and it is my fault and I would have to explain to my sisters why I killed my mom. And while she said this over and over this weekend, I quietly hoped for the day she would pass away.

<<End trigger warning. Ah, to be a noisy little bird who does not have such a complicated relationship with her parent! I got outside for a walk in the park today and saw some beautiful cardinals and sweet robins. Nature is so therapeutic.

[Armee]

I'm sorry. That is a horrible thing to go through. I went through similar. It's not ok. When we got to the point where I was single handedly providing her care through cancer and broken bones and then hospice care, my mom's self harm shifted to self neglect as a form of the same manipulation, except then I was also viewed by doctors as responsible. It was a complete retriggering of the suicide threats and self harm and feeling responsible for her staying alive as a kid. It was a terrible trap and I wished many many times that I had seen the damage being done to me and my family and cut ties before she was frail and ill. 

Others here have read this before but I'm going to say it here too, so you don't feel alone in those thoughts. There was a point when my mom was hospitalized due to septic shock from chemo toxicity. I was really sad she was there and alone, it was over the holidays and during COVID. I believed she would not ever leave the hospital and that she would quickly die there. I felt sad about that but didn't cry. I NEVER cry. But after a few days my sister called to say she had talked to doctors and that good news! Mom was going to live! I sobbed that entire day. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. I was not crying in relief. I was grief stricken that it wasn't over yet. Up until that point I defined myself as being a kind person and that took a lot of support to be able to integrate that awful grief with who I thought I was. But that is what people like our moms do to us. They manipulate our kindness until we are the bad and mean ones. It's really terrible psychological abuse and is severely damaging.

My heart hurts knowing what you are going through.

[littlebluejay]

Hi Armee, I am both filled with grief and with relief hearing how you relate with me. I feel so much shame for wanting things to end. I've often thought about that with my mom... when she's old will I care for her? She has medical issues and I've spent many many nights in the hospital with her, caring for her after surgery, etc. She is not close to dying though. I don't think I will have the capability to care for her on a long-term basis, but what does that say about me? What would others say if I send her to a nursing facility?

I am so, so sorry to hear about what you went through when your mom lived. It doesn't say anything about your kindness though. I also think of myself as a kind person but I feel like there is this other part of me when it comes to my mom. I still treat her very nice but I have so much anger. It's interesting, I rarely cry. I used to never cry too but the last couple years I've started to sometimes.

Thank you for your honesty, for making me feel less alone. I really cherish it

[j i m]

Hey littlebluejay,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It's an enormous one to tackle..

When I first heard about NPD, I had already somehow managed to come to terms with the fact that it was healthier if my mother and I did not communicate. I still couldn't fully accept how well the pieces fit together.. I had such a low opinion of myself because of how she had raised me, I don't think I'd fully seen the problem with how she treated me, more so with how I reacted to her and around her. It was in thinking about how she treated others, and how those I cared about had suffered because of her, that I was finally able to accept what'd been staring me in the face.

As I started seeing improvement by addressing hardships I was facing from the perspective of someone having suffered abuse from a narcissistic parent, I became more and more comfortable calling the kettle black.. In the end, whether she ever receives diagnosis or care for herself, I have managed to accept that if it helps me improve, I feel more comfortable acknowledging this genuinely. At first, I had a hard time because I felt like it was seen as disrespectful toward her. Now, I feel like it's far more kind and respectful to approach things with honesty.. If something I've learned can ever help someone else, I think it's worth being seen as the villain in some folk's stories. Frankly, that will always be the case, anyway. Something good may as well have the chance to come from it, I guess.

I'm sorry I can't provide the one and only answer, and there may not ever be such a simple solution. If any of this helps add to your own pool of knowledge to draw something positive from, I hope you can. My kindest thoughts are with you. Take care.

[AnnaMaria]

Oh, wow, did this resonate with me!

*trigger warning - mention of violence*




I remember talking to my therapist about how the two most vivid memories I have of my father are;

1. How he used to read me "the giraffe and the pelly and me" by Roald Dahl.  He would sit on the edge of my bed whilst I snuggled under the duvet, all warm and cosy in my pyjamas, and put on a different voice for each of the characters.  It is by far my best memory of him.

2. I remember how he ran my mother down in his car, just outside of my grandmothers house, after bundling my brothers into his car and trying to take me too.  I went with my mother to our neighbours (retired nurse) afterwards and watched them stitch up her arm that had been gashed open when she hit the ground.  It is a strange, dissociated memory, but I understand now just how horrific it truly is.


I still grapple with the reality that one man was capable of both of those things.


For me personally, I have come to the realisation that my father was, in reality, a very bad man.  It is harder to deal with those same feelings when it comes to my mother. 

I think because my mother's abuse and neglect was aimed at me (and because I understand how she was also a victim of abuse and can relate to her experience as more than likely being PTSD or CPTSD too) it is harder to be objective.

Some days I actively hate my mother.  Other days I grieve over the loss of the mother-daughter relationship that I never had. Other days still I feel she did the best she could, given all that she had been through herself.

I think that by understanding she was so traumatised herself, and was therefore incapable of being a good enough mother, I have been able to let go of a little of the shame that I carry around.  It wasn't my fault that she was traumatised long before my birth, therefore it wasn't my fault that she couldn't love and protect me because she didn't even know how to love and protect herself. 

I have been no contact with her for 14 years.  I still believe if I were to contact her and try to talk about the abuse and neglect she would deny it all.  I believe that she has to deny it because it is too painful for her to accept what happened to me.  If she were to accept that, then she would have to accept that she failed to protect me and then her own toxic shame would be too much for her to bear.

Perhaps that is also true for your mother.  Perhaps not.  But this is the truth that I have found in my own experience. 

Even if this doesn't resonate with you, maybe it will give you hope that you will find your own truth.

Wishing you happiness and healing.

[storyworld]

I understand your struggle. This was a huge catalyst for me, in regard to a different person, but someone I have an ongoing relationship with now, but also had to (and am still learning to) accept as reality my past experiences. When I first started honestly acknowledging to myself things that had occurred, and talking about them with my therapist, I internally freaked out and wanted to stop therapy all together. Talking with my sister, I realized it's not entirely uncommon to create an "ideal" parent, and to cling to that ideal, even when reality contradicts it. For me, coming to terms with the reality felt like a huge loss that I needed to grieve. What really helped me was "parts work" as I was able to acknowledge the parts of me that saw/experienced this individual in different ways without feeling like I was betraying the person. And like you shared, one of the things that made this more challenging is that I understood the whys behind the harmful behavior, and in many ways saw (and still do) this individual as a child. (Emotionally, this person very much is a child, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way.) I don't know if this is helpful; all that to say, I can understand your struggle.

[Desert Flower]

- possible trigger warning -
Dear all,
This topic has not been posted in for a while but it just resonates so much with me I'd still like to respond anyway and see what happens. It has been so enormously difficult for me to reconcile the two sides of my mother. I think this may be the biggest issue for me.
Other parts of my experience, the sexual abuse (by someone else) and the loss/abondonment are so blatantly one sidedly wrong, that they're easier to process somehow. They are just clear and should be to anyone I talk to about them.
But this two-sided mother! Everyone just thinks she is so nice, so helpful, never thinking about herself, only others. And at the same time, she was just such a poor excuse for a mother. And I'm having so much trouble writing about that side of her, I feel so guilty, because she was doing her best (which was NOT good enough. She never did anything to protect me from the abuse that went on inside her house. She never wanted to know anything about my emotions. etc etc She got mad at ME when I got .....) And now she's old and the same thing that happened when I was small happened again: she lost her second husband, the way she lost her husband - my father - back then. And it was always about her losing her husband, never one word about us (me and my brother) losing our dad. And it was always about her not wanting to be alone. But what about us! And now she is alone again and she is all dependent again and now she sort of has a right to be so because she is old which puts me back into the position of having to make her feel not lonely - which I cannot do. Which I should not have to do, I see now. And which was a HUGE trigger for me these past months. So huge I didn't even see it. I just relived the whole thing. Just feeling totally inadequate. And she's too old now and fragile for me to ever bring any of this up. I'm still just trying to be the good girl. I feel so anxious around her. Not even sure part of me may love her still. Or crave the love she's never given me. And me feeling guilty about thinking the only way out of this is when she were to die. Makes me feel so bad.