The two sides of my mother

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Desert Flower, thanks for posting here. If it weren't for your post I would probably never have encountered this thread. It's funny how things on the forum can work serendipitously. I've just come from another thread where I wrote extensively about my mother's abusive and deeply insidious behavior. So reading through this thread I realized I related with so many aspects of everyone's experience here.

There are so many facets of the Janus Mother, that is to say, the mother with two faces...

I suffered the same guilt as you and others for years and years. It was only through reading, learning, and therapy that I was slowly able to put my mother in her proper place. It's not a quick process. I've known for decades my mother's behavior was toxic. Yet year after year I always reconnected with her, giving her another chance, so to speak.

For me, there was the proverbial last straw last summer. This came, once again, when I was expressing my emotions and needs, and my mother once again, violently interjected her own suffering putting it in priority and smothering what I was trying to express.

I was so shocked and dumbfounded in that moment. I simply couldn't believe she had done it again. Behind her mask of understanding and softness, lies a vindictive, manipulating and hateful person. It is clear to me now just how much she is suffering inside.

But I am not responsible for that. My mother did many good things for me. But that is what a mother is supposed to do. What she ended up taking from me, in the form of her devouring self-need, was highly toxic.

I beleive I was systematically emotionally-raped by my mother. She penetrated me with her needs, and forced me to provide her with emotional support. Though never stated, the implication, especially when I was very young, was the risk of losing her protection and love.

There were multiple real and specific events that I clearly remember and others in the family can confirm.

At multiple points in my life I have tried to discuss her behavior. It has never worked. She has either become hysterical, or denied my experience completely, usually both. As such I do not believe I can have any sort of a normal relationship with her. This makes me sad, but I no longer feel any guilt.

Included I now look forward to her death with a sense of release. I might visit her on her deathbed, but it I will not tell her I love her, because I don't. I respect the good things she did, but again that is what a parent is supposed to do. She never provided me with any deeper or profound connection, so I never really attached outside of toxic manipulative aspects.

I hope you and others can find ways to separate the inner critic's guilt tactics from the realities of what our mothers actually did. There is possibility of reconciliation, but this requires at minimum, Acknowledgement of our experiences. Validation and Apology is the ultimate. But it's rare I think.

So long as there is denial and refusal of at least Acknowledgement of our experiences, there can be no relationship, either before passing on, or after.

[dollyvee]

I've read a book recently called Believing Me, which is about the "untouchable mother" and put a lot of things into perspective for me about my m and gm's behaviour and neglect, and how I felt it was up to me to reconcile that because I was the "healthier" one. I really recommend it if you get a chance to read it.

[NarcKiddo]

My mother did many good things for me. But that is what a mother is supposed to do. What she ended up taking from me, in the form of her devouring self-need, was highly toxic.

This whole thread resonates, and this quote in particular. My mother simply had to love me because she did all these things for me. Same for my father. It took my therapist to point out that my parents did their legal duty. Of course some parents don't even do that. Mine did it and arguably went further because they provided things that were nicer than the bare necessities. Evidence, I supposed for decades, of their love. I now realise a large part of it was community appearances. They moved in certain circles, and as such there were social expectations of what they might provide for their children. Of course such a statement makes me sound hugely ungrateful - this aspect, too, feeds into the guilt and confusion. Plus there is the fact that I believe my parents did do their best. They were simply not capable of more. My mother has a traumatic background. So I can understand logically why she is how she is. Emotionally I find it hard to understand, let alone accept.

In terms of my mother having two sides - that has also been very difficult. Everyone thinks she is marvellous (until they discover otherwise). She can appear very caring and generous. I have been enforcing boundaries and moving emotionally even further from her in recent months. She has noticed this and is being nice to me at the moment. In the past I would fall for this. What I have recently realised, however, is that her being nice is not really a side of her. Rather, it is a mask she puts on. Her behaviour towards me is currently the same as that she might put on for the ladies in church. It looks good and caring but is superficial. She now noticeably remembers to ask after my wellbeing (I have been very ill). Before I was ill she would ask how I am at the very end of a conversation. It felt like she had a tick box but was asking at the end because she wanted to make sure she got all her things said. Now she often asks at the beginning. It still feels like a tick box but my condition has been major enough that anyone would ask first about it before moving the conversation on. So she is doing that.

Framing her niceness as a mask rather than an integral part of her has helped me protect myself from being sucked back in.

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Yeah, ditto Narco.., Since my daughter went into the hospital last week I've been "forced" to keep my parents posted on her condition. My mother who has sensed my distance thesypast few months and has jumped on the occasion of my daughter's illness to send me nice-nice emails.

Never once of her own initiative has my mother ever contacted me to apologize for her past behavior. She cannot and will not see that. Ever. My mother has no courage. I've taken other qualities from her that I deem positive and good. But the negative I leave with her. Sadly I think she'll take them to her grave.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies and comments. They make me feel so much less crazy and bad. It's such a relief to me to have the courage to actually write these things and hear back from you with so much support and understanding. I've got so much to say suddenly.

Mine did it and arguably went further because they provided things that were nicer than the bare necessities.

Same here NarcKiddo. And then, after we'd been out to buy clothes, she'd say something like "That looks nice on you" instead of ever saying she liked me.

Sorry to hear you've been ill Narckiddo, I hope you get well soon. I was also quite ill for quite some time and my m would text me every day about my physical well-being (not my mental well-being of course). But it was like she wanted me to get better, so she could feel better. Not for my sake, but hers.
And I sense now she wants to hear from me she was a good mother, but that's too much to ask. I won't go that far because it would not be fair to me at all.

And it only just dawned on me that me fleeing from my home town at 18, was not so much a flight from the hypocritical neighbourhood, like I'd always thought, but a flight from her hypocrisy. That's the part that made me feel crazy and bad.

Thanks also for the insights and affirming it was actually toxic. And I know it's my inner critic holding me hostage here, and although I'm not ready to divorce my m, I do know it would be better for me if I did.

'A mask' instead of 'her other side' is a helpful angle too Narckiddo, thank you.

Yes, she did her best (which was not enough). And she was poorly raised herself, I know. And

I believe that she has to deny it because it is too painful for her to accept what happened to me.  If she were to accept that, then she would have to accept that she failed to protect me and then her own toxic shame would be too much for her to bear.

I also know she will never be able to acknowledge any of this, let alone apologize. I will just have to come to terms with that.

And her self neglect (and suicide threat) were there too, @Armee, making me responsible for her (wanting to) live somehow. It's still there. I don't think she actually wants to live. I cannot make her happy.

And there's something else I would like to share. It was something my m said the other day that made me so sad, but I now think I might actually take it as a compliment. What happened was, I was stupid enough (inner critic speaking here) to ask her whether my kids are any different from the way my brother and I were as kids. And what she answered was: well, you and your brother didn't ask for so much attention as your kids do (meaning my kids are asking for too much attention obviously). And what I felt at the time was: no we didn't ever ask for any attention, because we knew we would never get it. We stopped asking for anything before we could speak. And it hurt me so much realising that. But now I'm thinking, if our kids do ask for our attention, we must be doing something right as parents. Our kids actually know they can come to us with whatever they need and they know and trust we will try to help. I may not be able to change our past, but I'm surely doing my best not to repeat it.

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I'm certain you're doing A LOT right for your kids DesertFlower. Sometimes our parents teach us very well through showing us what NOT to do.

[Desert Flower]

I'm certain you're doing A LOT right for your kids DesertFlower. Sometimes our parents teach us very well through showing us what NOT to do.

Thank you Chart. I appreciate that. Thank you for your contribution too. Helped me see things clearer.

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[Dalloway]

Dear all,
this topic is very important for me, too, so I would like to contribute and comment on it.

Plus there is the fact that I believe my parents did do their best. They were simply not capable of more. My mother has a traumatic background. So I can understand logically why she is how she is. Emotionally I find it hard to understand, let alone accept.

This is an absolutely accurate formulation of what I am going through right now in terms of my relationship to my mom and that´s why it´s SO hard for me. I love and appreciate her much, but the fact that she was the only one who hurt me and also the dearest person in my life (still is, amongst my sisters), is making it very complicated.

I´m struggling with defining her attitude and exact "diagnosis", because I think she is not narcissistic and I think that because she acknowledged that she hurt us and caused a lot of harm with her parenting style and even apologized many times and said she will always feel bad about this, that she ruined our lives (which I don´t think she did, maybe caused problems and struggles, but I don´t see myself as ruined, but I get what she was trying to say there). So she is absolutely aware of the past and has changed a lot in the past few years. The problems start when sometimes she still behaves the wrong way (and I know how hard it is to change the bad habits and unlearn the patterns) and that triggers me because it reminds me of the bad times of my childhood. So that´s when it´s harder for me to appreciate the good things and the change she went through. 

no we didn't ever ask for any attention, because we knew we would never get it. We stopped asking for anything before we could speak. And it hurt me so much realising that

This resonates with me very much. I was also a kid who never asked for anything cause I felt that it´s just not that important as the other things my mom has to deal with day by day (my father passed away when I was four, my sisters six and eleven and my mom was pregnant with my younger sister). So I developed this trait called hyper-independence, which seemed like I´m an independent and strong kid who doesn´t need love and attention, so when my mom realized it, I got even less of it (I think my mom did that unconsciously - she even said it when we were talking about it recently; she told me that she knows she didn´t have much time for being present emotionally, because she had to "extinguish  the bigger fire", which were the financial issues and the fact that our whole big family was absolutely not interested in helping  a widow with four little kids in any way) and struggled more and more because of this vicious circle. It breaks my heart to know how lonely and hopeless I felt as a kid thinking I have no one by my side in the whole world.

So yes, relationship with the mothers is I think one of the hardest and most complicated of all and mine is no exception.

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So I think this is where the concept of re-parenting comes in. I have to admit I hate this idea. For me it translates as "more difficult work".

But, once again, I have no choice. The neglect and abandonment by my biological father requires healing and the only thing I've found is Re-parenting.

As I am Low Contact with my mother, and can envision going No Contact, the same applies. Re-parenting regarding the wounds inflicted on me by my mother will have to be healed by me.

Ungh...

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, exactly, Chart. I think it was JamesG who wrote a recent piece in which he said something along the lines of: I have realised the cavalry I have been waiting to come over the hill is not coming because I am the cavalry.

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And I've a three-legged horse...

[AphoticAtramentous]

This whole thread resonates, and this quote in particular. My mother simply had to love me because she did all these things for me. Same for my father. It took my therapist to point out that my parents did their legal duty.

Ditto this.

But now I'm thinking, if our kids do ask for our attention, we must be doing something right as parents. Our kids actually know they can come to us with whatever they need and they know and trust we will try to help. I may not be able to change our past, but I'm surely doing my best not to repeat it.

An excellent point. Children are dependable by their very nature. They need nurturing and guidance, and it is only natural that they ask for attention and receive it. Otherwise they are left to navigate the world alone, without experience, without comfort...

I have realised the cavalry I have been waiting to come over the hill is not coming because I am the cavalry.

Reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter where Harry believes that his father saved him with a patronus charm, when it was actually Harry that saved himself. I realise the original sentiment is meant to be one of sadness and grief, but I can also sense a hint of self-empowerment... that we are strong and capable of more than we realise. Just grasping at the silver lining...

Both my parents had these two sides. It was actually impressive how well they managed to play the mask of a normal functioning married couple. Outside of the home, my parents were Church going Christians, had full-time jobs, plenty of friends, played in a Church band together - happy smiles all around. But at home... they ignored and neglected their children, emotional and physical abusers, constantly fought with one another. They'd fight in the car parked in the carpark, and as soon as they opened the car doors to get out and greet people, it was like a switch flicked in their heads - "act normal", and immediately they did.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Stillost]

There is so much on this thread, my brain, memory and emotions are spinning. Can't talk about it or share. Too much pain! But you all need to know it matters! Thank you for sharing. You're amazing that you've gotten far enough to say these words. Some day I will too

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I agree you will Stillost.