Little Blue Jay's Journal

[littlebluejay]

My first journal entry here. I am just kind-of following what others are doing and starting my own journal thread here.

This week has been a mess for me. I've "known" for the last few years that my mom is emotionally abusive. I say "known" because even though I recognized her behavior, I haven't wanted to fully admit that I've grown up abused. I still don't really know how to say those words and take myself seriously. But as I've sat in these very uncomfortable thoughts and memories this past week, I've realized how the abuse has flooded my entire life. It's manifested itself in my mind and body for forever. I hit a breaking point this past week, though.

-----TW: talk of emotional abuse, following, and physical manifestations (hypoarousal) --------
This past week, my mom drove six hours to come berate and manipulate me in person when I stopped answering her calls and texts. I stopped answering her calls after hours of emotional and psychological abuse on the phone. So she drove six hours to confront me. After a couple hours of the same thing but in person... of the same emotional abuse, the manipulation, threats, all her tactics, my body shut down completely. I have disassociated before but this was a total shut down. I was holding a cup of tea and suddenly as she raged on all I could think about was how heavy the tea was. Then I couldn't hold it any longer and dropped it. Then I couldn't move right, I couldn't speak except in choppy syllables in a very low tone, I couldn't think. Every time my mother would move towards me I'd flinch. (Let me tell you, she definitely DID NOT appreciate that). She convinced me to get in the car with her and continued to tell me I must be faking this to get out of an important conversation and a slew of very hateful things. I started sobbing but was making no noise... tears and snot were just pouring down my face and she continued to berate and manipulate me. I later learned I went into hypoarousal. I understand it's more common to go into hyperarousal but my body knew that was not safe. My body was doing what it could to protect me. Even though I'm confused and scared by what happened to my body, I did give it an extra squeeze when I realized it was trying to protect me. It felt better to be in that hypoaroused state than it did when I felt everything my mom was doing and saying.

I think one thing I'm really struggling with is the way my mom continued to treat me in that state. She continued to threaten and manipulate me. If I ever saw what happened to me happen to someone else, I'd be concerned and want to help, even if I hated them. But she continued driving me all around the city, with me trapped, and manipulating and threatening me. How could she do that?

-End TW-----
That's what's really hard about this. There are just so many questions. And some things which are really objectively bad are sometimes more understandable in a way than the subtle cruelty.

I don't even really want to put this here because it makes it feel so real. I just want to pretend it didn't happen but I've tried that before and it didn't work.

[Not Alone]

Little Blue Jay, you were brave to share this very traumatic encounter with your mom. Her treatment of you was horrible. I really don't have the words. I wish I could swoop in and protect and comfort you.

[rainydiary]

Little Blue Jay, I appreciate you sharing and hope that beginning to share here is supportive to you.

[CactusFlower]

Little Blue Jay, thank you for sharing this painful experience with us. That was a terrible way to treat you. Here's wishing you some peace and gentle hugs if you want them.

[paul72]

hi littlebluejay
Thanks for sharing this here. I'm sorry for how horrifying that would have been!!
I'd forgotten that my parents did something similar about 9 years ago when we first went no contact. They drove (just an hour) to my wife's work and started in on her about how much psychiatric help I needed and how I held so much deep hidden anger towards my mom that i had to figure out. They made the mistake of telling my wife that she couldn't protect our children from this "fight" we were having. My wife replied "Watch me" (I still love it!!!). I think that gave my mom a challenge though, to hurt our kids and prove my wife wrong. It's what they tried to do for a few years before it all kinda just stopped.
I also can relate to the hypoarousal... I can remember many a talk where it was so aggressive I could only stumble and cry.. which brought out the "if it was so {fill in the blanks} ie important to you, you wouldn't be crying" and just being stumped on why I couldn't answer them.
Anyway.. i say all this (forgive my length) on the off chance it is of any help or value to you. I'm really sorry you're going through this right now! I've been NC 9 years... I couldn't physically see them now.. there's just no way, but I remember the terror and I'm sorry for it.
I hope you have a beautiful day today,, thank you again for sharing 

[littlebluejay]

Thank you all for your warm words. It is comforting knowing that you also believe this treatment was bad, as I still wonder if it's normal and if I deserved it all. Thank you for reassuring me it is not normal and not okay. And thank you for the gentle hugs, I feel them.

Phil72, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. While I wasn't answering my phone my mom called my employer, who I've kind of adopted as my mom (I work within a family with a young woman who has a disability. Her mom is my employer and we spend many, many hours together). She called to tell her she was  very concerned about my mental health. It's ironic because she was the one threatening suicide  But I digress. I'm so sorry your mother tracked your wife down like that, but I am so, so glad your wife was able to stand up for you. I'm sure it's comforting knowing you have someone else who is willing to stand in the gap for you when things are really hard.

Sending you all a thankful hug 

[Armee]

Big hugs to you. I've had the same shut down. It's part of what made me realize the toll the abuse was taking what absolutely not ok. No contact here is very well justified. I understand if you can't, I couldn't. But I wish I had when I was much younger. People like this cannot and will not change and it'll get worse, not better.

This is just very much not ok and no, not normal.

It's possible that going full no contact is the rock bottom she needs to get herself healed. In the end, since you have time, it may be the kindest thing you can do for both yourself and your mom.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you for your message, Armie.

No contact seems so overwhelming to me. But I also know at this point she is not capable or willing of change. And I can't keep experiencing these things like I have been my whole life. I just keep moving farther away from her but her words follow. And she moves on so fast... within 3 days of this episode she was just calling and texting me like we're the closest friends. I don't get it because I don't move on like that. I still am processing things that happened to me when I was 8 years old!

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, Little Blue Jay.  Contacting your employer, regardless of who they may be, was exceedingly out of line. Are you able to talk to your employer and maybe ask them not to accept her calls, or tell her you've talked to them and to not bother your place of work? Sorry you're experiencing this with her. Thinking positive for you.

[littlebluejay]

It's been a very busy week for me. I started a clinical rotation at a new hospital and it has left me exhausted but also proud. My sister is living with me and I so enjoy her company and am happy I'm not alone.

Mother's Day brings up a lot of hard emotions for me. My mom has had a lot of breakdowns on Mother's Day so I'm always preparing for the worst. But she really liked the gifts I got her and everything went smoothly this year. I am thankful. But it is still hard for me because the memories are so tangible and I am filled with so much fear going into the day... will she be happy? Will she like my gifts? Is she going to feel hurt by her children and husband in ways we didn't expect? I was glad when the day was over.

One thing I've been thinking about is the romanticization of hard stories. I am a believer that good things can grow from really hard stories. But some things happen and I don't believe there is a silver lining. I don't care for whatever lesson others might want to say there is. I am chronically ill, I have a lot going on in my body. Scars and medications and medical devices make up my daily life. And I can look at all that and see the silver lining. I'm at peace with my body's story and see the good parts of it. But with c-PTSD? No. I don't think abuse has a silver lining. I don't believe we should ever be expected to see the good things. I will never be thankful for any part of that story. I will never romanticize it and I don't expect good things to grow from it. I would take all my physical illness and multiply them by ten if I could just not have the relational trauma be part of my story.

Just some thoughts for this week. I hope everyone is doing well 

[paul72]

hi littlebluejay
Congratulations on getting through mother's day. I relate to those worries of the day from before I went NC. Will she be happy? it seemed you could never quite do enough for her on her special days.
I'm sorry for your health issues! I'm glad you are at peace with your body's story. That's pretty amazing. (you seem so wise beyond your years)
I wish there were positive things with cptsd.... and I agree we shouldn't be expected to see any. I still find myself trying.. but maybe that's just wasted energy.
I hope your day goes well and you can enjoy some time this weekend. Thanks for sharing this 
side note: when i see your name I think of the song Little Bird from Man of La Mancha (and sometimes sing it to myself) and it makes me smile. thank you for that

[littlebluejay]

Thank you Phil for your kind words. I will have to look up the song Little Bird! I've never heard of it. I have come a long ways with my relationship and understanding of my body, and I'm grateful. Hopefully one day I will have that kind of understanding when looking at my past.

I feel like I'm struggling and not quite sure why. My mom still calls me almost every day. I have a gut reaction every time I see her name pop up on my phone. She called yesterday to tell me she can't come to my graduation from grad school because her and my dad are fighting. Truth is, I could not care less she's not coming. I knew something bad was going to happen with both her and my dad coming so this just eliminates that fear. But she makes me feel so sorry for her... I don't know how to explain this feeling. I just want to bag my graduation altogether but the truth is I just don't want my parents there. I want to be with my sisters and my friends. Not only that but now my mom is just transferring money to my bank account to help me pay for things when I never ask or want help. I know historically these "gifts" come with so many strings attached so I do not want them. To outsiders the fact I do not want her money may sound strange, but this is what relational trauma will do. Nothing is a gift. Everything is a debt.

I am very far from my mom, but she just feels so near. And even when she's not lighting up my phone, she's in my dream and flashbacks. My sisters aren't as affected as me. They are affected for sure, and we all openly discuss this trauma now that we all recognize it, but they don't have nearly the internal anguish that I have. It makes me feel like I've made it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

[Armee]

It all makes so much sense to me that you feel this way. And our individual roles and age in the family make a big difference in how we react. I was deeply traumatized by what happened in our family even though objectively my sister had it worse. But a bunch of circumstances make our response different.

Your mom's calling and unwanted gifts is negatively affecting you and might be good things to practice setting some solid boundaries on?

[Hope67]

Hi Little Blue Jay,
I related to a lot of things you said.  I also relate to what Armee said about it making sense that you'd feel the way you do. 

I hope that you're able to have your Graduation how you'd like it to be - with your sisters and your friends. 

Hope 

[littlebluejay]

It's been over a month since adding to this journal. I still come on here off and on, quietly read posts and poems. I haven't quite had the energy to add much. Maybe that's because my family has been pretty quiet, so my life feels a bit stiller. But it's still in the back of my mind. My every thought and action is painted by the relational trauma. I wonder if I"ll ever get a break from it.
About a month ago, I was lying in bed with my sister. I don't even know how it started, but I started talking about the things I still struggle with from a traumatic experience with my mother that happened about 2 or 3 months back... I don't even remember anymore. And as I talked, tears just streamed down my face... overflowing. I used to never cry. I've started crying again. It was really weird though, one minute we were just chatting and the next I'm crying.
I wish there was a way to convey to my mother how harmful she has been to me. Not to guilt her. But so that maybe she'd stop, and maybe she'd quit telling me how awful of a father my dad is without taking any responsibility for her actions as a mother. She declares that I have no relationship with my father when my relationship with hers is very toxic, and founded on deep fear. It just doesn't seem fair that she can live in complete ignorance while I'm here trying to patch up the wounds for myself and my sisters.
But amidst all of this, I'm learning to live life. I am living in a new city, doing a clinical rotation. My anxiety is high about that too though, for I feel I'm not doing well on my rotation. I want to get back into doing some things I love, but it all feels a bit exhausting right now. I have chronic illness and rely on a medical device to live, and sometimes just managing all of that is exhausting. I want to find more joy in life again, but I know sometimes it ebbs and flows.