Little Blue Jay's Journal

[littlebluejay]

Definitely not overstepping. I really appreciate you speaking honestly. Because I feel like it was manipulative, but I also get in my head and start to think I am at fault and if only I was better at xyz then maybe...

But it was manipulative, and it is heartbreaking, and it's not my fault. Thank you for standing with me 

I hope I'm not overstepping. What your mom said was very manipulative. I wish I could pluck the lies and guilt away from you, but I know it is not that easy.

but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit.

Heartbreaking, but probably correct.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you so much, Armee.

Thank you for reinforcing the words I've been trying... but with difficulty... to speak to myself. That I have nothing to feel guilty about.

It definitely feels explode-y. Thank you for sharing with me that word, I definitely relate! So many thoughts and feelings and a lot of them don't make sense. I'm so sorry you've had to feel these feelings as well. The guilt is definitely something else. Many people don't understand the guilt the way we do. I'm afraid I'll never rid myself of it.

But even if I don't, I believe there's a place to show myself grace in the midst of it, and engage in the things that help me heal. Sometimes it's very hard to do those things though!

Hey my mom put me through similar manipulations. You've done everything and more.  You aren't wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, that type of person just forces that on us. It's really difficult and mindbending. When my mom was still alive I described the feeling she engendered in me as explode-y, like all the feelings all at once in a chaos of confusion about what was happening and why and maybe I really was wrong and bad etc. It was a horrible feeling and so I'll just agree with you that yes you are making the right decision and yes, the guilt is vicious.

[littlebluejay]

My mom has been going through a very rough spell. I've said to those closest to me that she is going to push away all the people who love her and who she loves away. She is pushing us all away.
Today she said that she only has 4 daughters (instead of 5) and I have no mom. I won't spell out the long situation that led us here. Today I'm very shaken and very said. I want space from her, but I didn't want this.
I still feel like everything is my fault, and that I made this all up in my head.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry. It's really sad and hurtful. Please hear me say this isn't from you being bad. This is your mom's dysfunction. No matter what led to this situation it stems from her.

My sister's favorite song regarding how my nom treated her was Cause and Effect by the white stripes. Maybe it'll strike a chord for you today.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you, Armee. I so appreciate your words. I listened to that song and omg... it fits my situation perfectly. It's also a fun beat!

Also I wanted to note, when I said my mom is pushing away everyone she loves/who love her, it's because she is treating us so cruelly. There is a level of empathy I have, for I know she is mentally unwell and I honestly think she is oblivious to a lot of the hurt she causes. But I can't let that empathy prevent me from acknowledging my hurt, and taking the steps to heal.

I am having a lot of panic attacks right now. These are new for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself. I want to heal so badly. I want this to stop affecting me.

[Armee]

Sounds completely like my mom. I'm sorry. I get it.

[NarcKiddo]

There is a level of empathy I have, for I know she is mentally unwell and I honestly think she is oblivious to a lot of the hurt she causes. But I can't let that empathy prevent me from acknowledging my hurt, and taking the steps to heal.

You are right and I'm glad you realise this. There is a reason they tell you that in an emergency on a plane you should put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else. You have to look after you first and foremost. It is not selfish. It is the responsible thing to do.

I am sorry you are struggling with panic attacks and I hope you know how to handle them when they occur. I don't, so have no suggestions to give, but send you my best wishes for peace and healing.