Yet more recovery notes

[jamesG.1]

So...

such a mixed view of where I am now.

One thing that stands out at the moment is that 2 years of lockdown forcing me to be over-exposed to relationship interaction has been tough, and frankly not what you'd prescribe to anyone with C-PTSD if you had any sense. That being said, I have gone up and down in that time, sometimes benefitting from being forced into confronting what can feel like a phobia and on other occasions swamped by the flight or fight responses from my bruised Limbic system. Really exhausting.

Finally tho, I am letting go of the trauma that started all this. I've run the events a million times and really, truly, I did all I could to stay rational and in control in the face of forces far too numerous for one person to take. Yes, I did stuff wrong too, but I didn't do anything wrong I wasn't forced into doing under the pressures of utterly unreasonable behaviour over a very drawn out period. I wasn't equipped to get situations and decisions right 100% of the time, and you know what? So what?

But whatever I may have done, nothing... Nothing is as wrong as what I was put through.

But these things don't matter now. Two of my protagonists are dead, one is distant and contained and the other, the real narcicistic monster, is a bust flush, useless without hostages and probably now as physically ill as he is mentally. He still makes guest appearances in dreams leading to me thrashing about like a lizzard in a tin, but in real terms, finally, he can't touch me. He did wreck my life tho, and occasionally, my gentle soul finds itself baying for retribution. But that kind of closure can't happen. It's better I let him drive himself into the ditch he's spent 60 years making and burn his black heart out without my help.

I'm still deeply hurt by the lack of support from freinds. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again really. When people you've gone the miles for won't so much as pick a phone up when you are so close to the edge you can see clouds below you it leaves the mother of all bad tastes in the mouth.

I now have a quite small circle, people who understand what happened and believe in me when I need that, and empathise when I start to flag. People like that are rare.

The real challenge for me now is easing myself into the new life I've made, sometimes made without noticing. Largely, the pronounced symptoms of C-PTSD have gone, leaving sharp deppressions that come and go in three-day cycles. I'm working them through now. I think the restrictions of lockdown meant my life wasn't full when I really needed it to be expanding, that created stagnation, and I think stagnation is kryptonite for me. That said, the frantic push to rebuild has exhausted me and frankly, I've done enough. I've paid out tens of thousands in debt repayments, worked fantastically hard but the strain of thinking my way out of trouble has to end now. It's hard to stop. I'm like a rescued sailor who can't stop swimming even after they put him in a bunk, the terror of going downhill in isolation with nothing but condescension from your peers will stay with me forever.

But it IS over. I just can't make my deep mind understand that. I'm still looking for threats.

It's a long, long road.

[Kizzie]

But it IS over. I just can't make my deep mind understand that. I'm still looking for threats.

And therein lies the rub of recovery; when you mostly know it's over but at your deepest core level you don't or can't let go of some of the things you did to survive.

I am finding the road long too James, much longer than I had anticipated. I wish I had something more positive to pass along but what I can say is perhaps as you've begun to let go the trauma of what was done to you, and see clearly how much it impacted your life, cycles of depression are 'natural' as you begin to accept and integrate it all into your life?  I don't know but I was struck by the sense of moving on in accepting certain realities you wrote about despite how difficult it is, like everything connected to relational trauma.

[littlebluejay]

I sometimes feel guilty for the things I have done wrong too. Honestly I've been feeling like that a lot, like "I did x so that makes what they did okay" as if my wrong actions justify the abuses of another. But I am glad you can come to this conclusion, that maybe you've acted in ways you wish you didn't, but also acknowledging what you did is not worse than what was done to you. I also think abusers like to prey on those of us with soft spirits, those who will feel guilty for any wrongdoings and use that to manipulate us. So I'm glad you are able to separate out these thoughts, even if it's sometimes hard to believe.

As for convincing your mind you are safe now... I get that. Our minds hang onto things far longer than I wish they would sometimes.