feeling whole

[paul72]

I hesitate to write that I am healed.
But.. I feel healed and I am claiming at least a very substantial breakthrough in my healing.

I don't for one second suppose that this is something for everyone.
I consider myself ridiculously fortunate and am in no way bragging about this healing.
I only write this because
A) I am so happy,
B) what if something I write can help 1 person even for 1 day, and
C) I only am here because others here were brave enough to write stuff, so how crappy if I can not do the same in return.

My wife and I started to watch Prodigal Son on Netflix about a year ago but it was too intense for me to continue.
What I pulled out of it though and was able to explain to my wife for the first time, was the intense desire/ compulsion to know more.
The main character put himself in such harms way because of his need to find missing pieces from his flashbacks. It was like "WHY IS HE DOING THIS?" but knowing he had no choice.
He also had to handcuff himself to his bed at night for his own safety.

These 2 things really summarize my experience to date with PTSD.
The need to find out what happened and the need to control my body's responses day to day.

I have felt good before with just somatic exercises. They work to help control the nervous system. It took me forever to be able to get to this "felt sense" but dang, if it isn't a real thing!!
But the good feelings never lasted. I was so drawn still to know more. And that required going back into the past, which never felt good.
I believe that inner child work was the key for learning more.
I was fortunate I believe that I only had 3 ICs. Baby me finally got to kick his feet and fight while being smothered in a flashback/somatic experience and I never heard from him again.
Little me was who I flashbacked to most... but I could never get to him because of Francis standing guard over him.
Me fighting for Francis in a somatic episode led to incredible shaking and the putting down of his sword.
I haven't heard from him since.
Little me and Francis, I strongly believe, gave me some memories. In fact, between the two of them, my story was pieced together.  I no longer just have a memory that consists of a piece here and a piece there. I have my life. I don't remember it all, obviously, but enough to put together my story. That was a gift from them I am certain.

My super power which might turn out to be OCD (I wouldn't have even thought I even had this, dolly) is what saved me as a child.
But now I have to let it go.... I needed this weapon to survive. I don't need it to live now.
So this is my new focus.. letting go of my superpower.

So, I no longer feel compelled to go into the past to figure more out. I have enough now... enough to know who I am... what I survived and what impact it had on me.
I know what I need to do to be able to continue moving forward.
It is a new adventure and I can't wait.
There are certainly physical signs that I have gotten better.. walking taller, shoulders are back, and there is peace in my heart.
It's funny that I even recognize that is what it is, but I do
Much love and peace to all

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing and reflecting on this journey.

[Kizzie]

Much love and peace to you too Phil, thank you for sharing this positive and inspiring post. It's so good to hear you're feeling better and it's lovely that you want to help others.  I remember how tightly I clung to words like your when I was suffering the worst of my CPTSD, it really helped.

 

[Krinicole]

Hi Phil. Congratulations on getting through the hard work of recovery and making it to the other side.  Sharing your journey was extremely brave, and certainly helpful and motivating to me personally. Your admission about the "The need to find out what happened and the need to control my body's responses day to day...." being what summarized your experience definitely struck a chord. The need to understand what happened to me is what has kept me going and I don't think healing would be possible for me without it. Only then was I able to start working on my behaviors and responses. I'm not through to the healing yet, but I now believe that it's really possible.  Thank you for sharing!