Hello everyone, my intro

[Little rabbit]

Hello,

My journey started with trying to heal various autoimmune and chronic pain issues, when I stumbled on CPTSD and realized that this was the source of it all. The emotionally dangerous environment of my childhood, with anxious, narcissistic mother and functional alcoholic father, plus abusive older sister left me completely disassociated.

Now about 2 years of Curable App, SE Therapy, the Crappy Childhood fairy, and a lot of books and videos later, I'm finally getting to some of the core issues like not knowing what safety actually feels like. I'm teaching myself that with the aid of my therapist. I'm currently listening to the CPTSD: from surviving to thriving audio book, which resonates deeply with me.

I'm hopeful because I'm finally seeing just how severe the CPTSD is and giving myself a break from the relentless perfectionism, but at the same time it's sooooo painful. Arg. 

Now that I finally admit it to myself, I thought I would benefit from interacting with a community of people who can understand. 

Thank you for being here.

LR

[Blueberry]

Hello Little rabbit, welcome to the forum

In my experience, this is a really good forum with lots of support from people who really get it. I hope you experience that here too.

I love your name and the reasons you chose it!

[paul72]

Hi little rabbit
Welcome.. i hope you find lots of support and encouragement here !!

[Kraggy]

  Hi LR, thanks for posting your intro, its gouda to meet you  bummer,  cannot find a cheese to meet that silly tag line Anyway on a side note, I have an eerily similar background the functional father, and finally coming to grips with an abusive older sib :/ and a deeply narcissistic sociopath NM (when I discovered she actually seems to  enjoy torturing certain members of the family) was when it occurred to me that it can have deep lasting effects on a person not so easy to 'shake'. Glad you found 'crappy childhood fairy', she seems really knowledgeable from a been -there standpoint. its interesting how many experts have turned to youtube to discuss this. Sometimes it can be overwhelming trying to sort thru them all! Glad to meet you

[Kizzie]

The emotionally dangerous environment of my childhood, with anxious, narcissistic mother and functional alcoholic father, plus abusive older sister left me completely disassociated.

Welcome Little Rabbit    We share a very similar experience except I had a brother.  Sad we are members of this particular community but like you I'm also relieved to have a place where others get it.

[Armee]

Hi Little Rabbit. Welcome!

[Papa Coco]

Hello Little Rabbit,

Welcome to the forum. Lots of good people on this forum. I hope you feel safe making connection with one or a few of us.

I wouldn't say I've been a perfectionist my entire life, but I have been an over achiever. Maybe it was for the same reason: I didn't feel like just being me was good enough to be accepted, so I worked twice as hard as everyone else to accomplish twice as much as others. I felt so broken that I felt like I had to work twice as hard every day just to keep up with all the lucky people who were okay being who they were.

[Armee]

Papa Coco I just want to chime in how much I relate to what you wrote. It is exhausting to work so hard to try to cover up for our perceived flaws and not-good-enough-ness. I don't know about you, but when I do that then other people sing my praises and think I'm really smart or awesome and then because they think something about me that I don't believe at all I have to work even harder because otherwise they'll find out actually I'm not any good and then it'll look like I've been lying the whole time. It exhausted me so much I had to quit.

[Papa Coco]

Armee,
Oh my gosh, yes. We definitely understand each other.  It seems that other people saw more value in me than I saw in myself. I can't write my own resume' because I can't see any skills in myself that anyone would ever want to hire me for, even though I have been routinely honored with awards and pay raises for my skills and dedication in every job or volunteer position I've ever held. To me, the awards were uncomfortable to receive because I didn't feel deserving of them. (I guess that's imposter syndrome, which is very common in C-PTSD sufferers).

I remember one time in the 1990s when I was in a men's group hosted by two psychologists, I spoke up and said "I wish I could just relax and be okay with just being average."  The men's group didn't understand why I said that. They probably thought I was being arrogant, or that I thought I was better than all of them. But the truth was the opposite. I've lived my entire life believing that I was less than everyone else and had no choice but to accomplish more and prove myself twice as much just to keep up. And the worst part of it was that on any given day I could outperform, outsmart, and outwork everyone around me, only to go to bed and get up the next morning at ground zero again. Like every night, all my accomplishments would vaporize, and I'd start out the next morning in last place again. Every single day I had to start all over again, and work twice as hard just to feel like I deserved to not be put to death for being worthless...all...over...again. And again. And again. Every day was another exhausting fight for my life. I guess this is the result of having been raised in conditional/transactional love. My own Catholic family of origin (FOO) would love me if I did what they wanted me to but would quickly turn on me with claws exposed if I didn't give them what they wanted with every word or breath. (that's why I call myself their "Cinder-Fella")

But, for me, the real tragedy is that I now tend to isolate. My wife, kids and grandkids love me to the moon and back. But STILL I am drawn to isolating myself because I've learned over the decades that I'm only comfortable in my own skin if I'm 100% alone. No matter how much my current family loves me, I can't feel relaxed when I'm in the same house with them. If another human being can see me, they can judge me. It was my old FOO who would never allow me to have a thought or speak a word without correcting or criticizing me for how I walked, or how I talked, or how I combed my hair. Their greatest punishment was to ignore and withdraw all love from me if I wasn't behaving how they wanted me to at any given moment. I was blamed for their mistakes and punished if I ever got something I'd wanted. A few years ago, during the housing market crash, my wife and I were able to buy a small, little rundown house on the beach for very little money. It's 3 hours from our house in Seattle. Now that I'm retired, I can live there, alone, about 40% of the year. My wife is okay with it. I think that maybe I've worn her down with my obsessive need to be a workaholic, so maybe she actually likes it when I'm not home also. I am very acutely aware that when one member of a family struggles with mental or emotional issues, the spouse and children suffer too. Maybe my living at the beach half the time lets her relax too.  Today, even though I've slowed down and stopped trying to impress people, I still feel like I'm one mistake away from being laughed at and humiliated and abandoned by the people who love me the most.  The pressure that I feel now is that isolationism brings depression which is my greatest daily struggle now. And how crazy is it that to avoid being abandoned, I go off to be alone??? Wow. I'm learning as I write. I choose to isolate so I don't feel judged but isolating depresses me and now I have to spend THOUSANDS of dollars a year on medications and therapy and treatments to keep from letting the depression end me.  Wow...I just realized that I'm still in my daily fight for survival.  C-PTSD: The gift that keeps on giving.