Anger issue

[Bella]

Hi guys!
It's been a long time now since I've been on the forum. I hope everyone is doing ok.
My healing process has come a long way, which I'm proud of really. Things makes much more sense now. But I really struggle with extreme emotions when it comes to close friends. Like for years I didn't have friends, but now I'm fortunate to have found two good friends that understands what I struggle with, and accept me anyway. 
Even though I can talk to them about how I feel, and I never feel judged by them, I still find myself on this insane roller coaster of emotions! One minute I feel I can't live without them (!), and the next I feel anger towards them or even repulsion! And I have no idea why.. I mean WT*!?! Fortunately I do have the ability to restrain myself, and I'm not being rude or nasty to them. But the roller coaster is driving me crazy! Feeling anger is quite a new experience for me, so it is very overwhelming and triggering. I know I have to go through this anger phase. I just wish I wouldn't feel anger towards my friends, that have done nothing to deserve my anger. They've only been supportive and kind!
I'm so frustrated with myself... I hate these overpowering feelings!
Can anyone relate? I don't know how to handle this... it throws me into a dark hole, where I can't see any hope or future! I literally want to die! I know it's an extreme response, and totally out of proportion to the situation..

[Marianne]

When my trauma's opened up, I had a lot of anger as well. I too have found this overwhelming. I'm still struggling with anger coming up in waves, though it's aimed in the right directions now, instead of at random people. I'm trying hard to restrain it and heal. I know it is hard and don't have good advice, but I wanted to just say: I know how hard it is to deal with this. Sorry you are struggling with it too. I hope you find healing.

[Kizzie]

Bella, it may be possible that the anger that rushes up is a way of protecting yourself.  Sounds odd I know but if you are angry at your friends than if you lose them it won't hurt as much?

The rollercoaster can be you making your way out of your old ways into new ways that are threatening and can feel unsafe so your old habits/feelings kick in and up and down and around you go.

Does this resonate at all?

[Papa Coco]

Hi Bella,

Yes, I can relate too. Anger is often described as a secondary emotion that comes out of fear. I recently went through 10 ZOOM therapy sessions with a psychologist who blogs about how to heal from religious trauma. I had contacted him to help me work through my raging anger at religions for what they'd done to me 50 years ago. He helped me realize that I had a recurring path I followed through my emotions that went like this: First I saw someone bullying me or someone else. (I'm a trauma victim of severe mob bullying and physical and emotional abuse from both family and church that began during childhood and continued on for several following decades--so my anger at today's bullies is driven by my unresolved anger at people from as far back as 50 years ago). Then I felt horrible frustration in the fact that I couldn't stop people from harming me in the past, and now I can't stop people from harming another victim. The frustration manifested itself through me as raging anger. For me, that led to another step; the anger at something I could do nothing about, then led me to a sense of utter hopelessness, which then ended in severe depression.

To summarize my recurring path: 1) I see abuse; 2) I remember being badly abused; 3) I remember that I couldn't stop my own abuse; 4) I realize I can't stop it today either; 5) I get frustrated; 6) I fall victim to inappropriate raging anger; 7) I feel hopeless; 8 ) I feel helpless; 9 ) I give up on life and go into unwanted depression.

I agree with Kizzie's comment that anger is meant to protect us. Somehow, our brains are acting on our behalf. But the brains may misunderstand the threat and may get angrier than they should. Getting angry at our anger (Which is what I've always done) only exacerbates the condition. I have been taught by my therapist that it is good for me to thank my anger for doing what it thinks I need it to do and then, kind of try to imagine that I can talk to the anger, and say, "Thank you for protecting me, but at this time, I really don't need your help." 

[Kizzie]

 

[Papa Coco]

I just wish it was as easily done as said. Loving my anger for trying to help me does diffuse it a bit, but it's a fundamental change that takes time and practice. It's not an instant fix, but it is another small step toward my goal of not getting so angry at bullies. Each step forward is another step forward. 

Life is not about perfection, it's about continuous improvement. I'll never be Gandhi, but as long as I keep trying, then when I finally reach my end, I'll be a better version of myself than I am today. 

I can't measure my healing by the day, I measure it by the year. Each year I feel like I'm emotionally stronger than I was this day last year.  My therapist reminds me of that from time to time. Like when I'm feeling frustrated that I'm still caught up in unresolved anger, he reminds me of how much better I am at handling life today than I was a year or two ago. That helps motivate me to keep working at it so that next year I can say the same.