What could this be? (TW)

[Joon]

Hey,

so I am aware that my siblings and I endured psychological/emotional abuse from our parents, but there are some things that happened that I'm just not sure what to call. (And unfortunately I have this desire to categorize everything that happened, maybe to understand it better/confirm the realness of these experiences?)


(!!! Trigger warning for being locked in, physical violence and tickling!!!)

     

So one big thing that went on for a really long time is that my parents would lock my brother in his room as punishment, whenever he was "too much" or a bother, or when they didn't want to watch over him, as well as  whenever they left the house and during the night. This ranged from putting a piece of paper between the doorframe to physically locking the door.

They would also youse physical punishments, though very very rarely, which is why I'm not sure if this could be considered physical abuse.

One thing that happened to me that may sound a bit weird is that my father would tickle me. The reason I'm mentioning this is because I'm on the autism spectrum and therefore certain sensory experiences, like light touch, are incrediby overwhelming and painful to me. Like, I'd be legitimately suffering when he tickled me and very much express this by screaming/crying/trying to physically defending myself and it would still continue. He still does this thing where he'll lightly brush my arm or whatever and when I react he'll claim that it's an accident, but it feels like a deliberate action. The thing is that although i know I was hurting in these situations I still struggle to take this experience seriously because "its just tickling, he wasn't causing me any legitimate harm".




(!!!Trigger warning for being locked in, physical violence and tickling!!!)

What do you think of these occurences? There was clearly something going on, but what?

[Blueberry]

Both main examples you mention: very rare physical punishment and tickling where a child (or any person for that matter) is plainly in discomfort or pain and is defending themself in some way - that's abuse.

There was PA in my childhood too, always with excuses like: "it isn't very often, you didn't have to go to hospital". Excuses, denial - quite common.

Locking your brother in as a punishment - I'm not sure what to call it either. Maybe neglect? Maybe a combination of PA and emotional abuse. I'm no expert, but the important thing is: you and your siblings were abused.

[Joon]

Thank you for your feedback.
I guess I wasn't aware that this pattern is as common but it makes a lot of sense. Maybe I was/am in denial abt it too to some degree. I still keep invalidating myself, gotta work on that.

As for the locking in, whenever I ask people, they usually call it anything from neglect to physical and emotional abuse, similar to your suggestion, so maybe a combination of all three? I suppose it doesn't matter too much in the end what you call it, it's bad nethertheless :/

[Kizzie]

Hi Joon - sometimes when the abuse if not BIG or clearly abusive like ongoing beatings or sexual abuse we're not sure about what it was/is.  My abuse was covert narcissistic abuse by a mother who did her level best to appear "the Good Mother" and it took me decades to figure out why I felt as I did.

My measure these days is having the symptoms of Complex PTSD (https://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms), that's what confirms abuse/neglect for me.

Covert narcissistic abuse is abuse and it is as damaging as any other type of abuse/neglect. Being tickled when you're autistic by a parent who knows how awful that would be for you is abusive. They are soul crushing, they leave us feeling unsafe and unloved.

My suggestion is to trust your gut, your reactions and your symptoms.   

[Joon]

Hi Kizzie,
thank you so much for your reply.

I relate to what you said about them appearing like good parents on the outside/surface and wondering what was wrong with me for feeling unsafe around them for years.
I guess it's especially hard if they gaslight you too (as my parents did), because I always feel like my perception is wrong or doesn't matter, so I often need my friends to confirm that, yes, it was that bad.
It's so funny how if someone else described these things to me I'd absolutely recognize that as abuse yet it's so hard to validate myself.

I'm working on trusting myself more now. Do you perhaps have any suggestions regarding that?

[Kizzie]

You may want to go over to our sister site Out of the Fog and even if your parents did not duffer from a personality disorder per se you can read about the techniques people use to manipulate/abuse others (e.g. gaslighting).  Sometimes abuse is obvious, but in cases like you and I it's more covert (I was just tickling you, don't be so oversensitive!).  Nonetheless it is abuse!

There's a new legal category called coercive control which is used by perpetrators to manipulate and control others through isolation, restricting access to finances, emotional abuse, etc.    You see it in domestic abuse cases especially.  The partner may not physically abuse their partner/children but they abuse them by controlling all aspects of their lives.  There was a time where courts did not see the abuse because it was covert, seemingly benign compared to beatings, etc., but that's changing.

So, have faith in what your gut is telling you.  If you feel unsafe it's because you are.

[Joon]

Thank you for your suggestion, I skimmed it a bit earlier today, it's a bit overwhelming, but I'll get a hang of it in time i think, just lots to learn.
And thank you so much again for your reassurance, genuinly thank you everyone.

[Blueberry]

You're welcome Joon! Reassuring each other is something we do here because many of us behave and think similarly e.g. believing what was done to us wasn't so bad or that we are/were too sensitive

[OwnSide]

Oh my God someone understands the tickling.

So I have questioned on and off whether I'm on the spectrum, and I feel like I kind of straddle the line. As a kid I really hated things like tickling, having my hair brushed/touched, I was picky with clothes and shoes, stuff like that. So I was used to the idea that I was more easily bothered by things than other people. Between that and having tickling normalized as a "loving activity", I doubted that I could call it abuse, too. But it's actually one of my strongest triggers. It seems to have spread to all things related to children and bodily autonomy.

I don't know if you've found anyone else who feels similarly, but I hope you're comforted as I am to not be alone. Let me know if you want to chat more.

[Gromit]

I was locked in my room once, because I refused to eat sprouts.

I banged on my door with a toy iron, that had a metal base (good solid toys in the 1970's) they unlocked the door and never did that again. The little dent was there for ever.

Locking someone in, anywhere, is abusive and dangerous.  It is an attempt to control, what is so important about sprouts? I love them now.

As for tickling, it is important to know when to stop, when it is no longer pleasurable, if it ever was, it should stop. I had a boyfriend who did that to me once, didn't know when to stop and was stronger, I should have paid more attention to that, and other things.

G

[Joon]

Hey OwnSide and Gromit!

@OwnSide  it is very comforting and validating to me to know that I'm not alone in this experience, but I'm sorry you share it and i hope you're doing ok.
I've thought about the tickling a bit more and as you already mentioned, aside from the fact that it caused me such pain and overwhelm, just the fact that my bodily autonomy was violated and my clear boundaries and needs were ignored in these moments in itself was horrible. I feel more confident calling it abuse now, although of course there's still some doubt, it takes time to let that go I guess. And I'd love to, feel free to send me a message if you'd still like to!


@Gromit  That sounds like a horrible experience and I'm truly sorry you had to go through that.
And honestly. It's tragic what people and especially children go through over so mundane things.
And yea, as already stated boundaries and agency are so important. Of course thats difficult to navigate when your environment doesn't value your autonomy

[OwnSide]

@Joon I didn't want to leave you hanging so I will let you know I might not actually be ready to discuss this quite yet. I can't seem to post what I write. I'll let you know when that changes.

Best of luck in your processing