Intro Post

[leonis]

Hello everyone! I've decided that I've lurked here long enough and it was time I created an account to actually start talking.

I've struggled to write an introduction post for a while because I'm not sure what I should say, really. I learned about CPTSD towards the beginning of this year and it's been difficult to put into words the effect it's had on my life. It was like a rug was pulled out from under me, but in a good way, I suppose. I'd never been able to relate to other people's home lives growing up and I always assumed I never would. That was until I was listening to a podcast episode by Jennette McCurdy where she and her guest discussed their abusive childhood homes. For the first time, I thought to myself, "Someone else gets it!" and I gleefully put away the laundry I was folding. It wasn't until I sat down afterward that the realization of what I had related to washed over me. It sent me down a depressive spiral as I recalled so many childhood memories I had spent my whole life trying to suppress.

They mentioned CPTSD during that episode of the podcast. I had seen the term used before but I never actually knew what it meant, so I decided to look it up. Reading through the lists of symptoms and the experiences of people with CPTSD hurt in a way that's hard to describe. I've never felt such an incredible wave of relief. I knew I would get emotional reading that stuff, but I never would have imagined how quickly I would be sobbing. I've carried such a deep sense of shame my entire life. I was plagued by the knowledge that there was something deeply and irreversibly wrong with me. Being diagnosed with autism and ADHD provided me with relief for a time, but even among communities of people like me, I still felt like something was wrong. Not broken or different, but wrong. Like I was a person who failed to be human.

Learning about CPTSD was so emotional for me because, for the first time in my life, I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. I've been a near-complete shut-in since I was thirteen, I lose myself to daydreams, and I haven't been able to maintain any relationships because I've believed that others secretly judge and despise me, but there's nothing wrong with me.

I've been seeing a therapist on and off for a while who specializes in working with autistic patients. I've briefly discussed all of this with her, to which she suggested that I see someone who specializes in trauma. That's where I'm at with that— just trying to find the courage to actually set up an appointment with anyone. I'm currently still living with my parents as I attend a community college. I hoped to move out just after I graduated high school, but then the pandemic hit my senior year. So that's been fun. I wanted to go to university so I could move out right away, but with barely even attending high school classes and all, I need a clean transcript to apply with. Crossing my fingers that I can get in somewhere out of state soon.

That's about it! Sorry that this is a bit longer than the usual introductory posts, I figure that it's better for me to get it all out at once because it's going to be another few months before I muster up the courage to type out something serious again. I look forward to sharing things here and to hearing from anyone else!! 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Leonis,

Welcome, welcome, welcome to this forum. Your intro post is written beautifully and really tugs on my heartstrings as I read it.  Everything you said in your intro post has deep meaning for me. I can relate. Especially to the bitter-sweet moments when I finally discovered there was a name for what I thought made me into a freak, and that I wasn't the only person alive to struggle with it. I live by a pretty simple rule: We're stronger together. When we don't feel alone on this crowded planet, we can handle a lot more of what life throws at us.

I've found this forum to be a safe place to share my issues and to learn as others share theirs. I'm not alone on this crowded planet anymore. I hope you can find that same relief. I'm glad you took the leap from lurking to posting. Welcome, welcome, welcome!

[Kizzie]

Hi Leonis and a warm welcome to OOTS 

I know that feeling of finding out you suffered abuse and developed Complex PTSD - relief and fear/depression.  I'm sure most here had a similar reaction. There's a book by Dr. Christine Courtois that sums up that instant of recognition for me:  "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You."  Good read written for survivors. 

I hope you're able to find a good trauma therapist as well as get off to university and live your life.  In the meantime you have a support group here and lots of info to help.

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Leonis -- greetings and salutations.

As you noted, it's hard to string the right words together concerning what are often unique, but connected symptoms and problems associated with CPTSD. But you've begun to cast about not just for help, but for peer support as you do so.

It's usually not very easy, but I hope you can settle in here and begin ironing out some of what's plagued you and start steering towards a new life pattern filled with hope instead of anxiety.

[Blueberry]

Hi Leonis Welcome to the forum.  It's a good and supportive place here. I hope to hear more from you when you get up the courage to write again

[thatsnotmyname]

Welcome!
I'm new here too. And everything you wrote makes total sense. I understand the feelings you describe, I experienced much the same when I realized what it was I was dealing with that I had been running from for so long. Take hope! You can change this if you want! You sound young by what you wrote, know I'm 51 years old, I started healing myself 4 years ago. It's possible to recognize what you've been through and find new ways to cope and deal. I hope this forum gives to you the support u need!

[leonis]

I apologize, I'm still learning how to post in this forum so I'm not sure how exactly I should reply, but I wanted to thank everyone for their warm welcome and kind words. I didn't quite realize how nervous I was until I actually posted! what all of you said means a lot to me. I hope being here will provide me with some clarity in my life, and I hope I will be able to give back in my own way!

[Kizzie]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Leonis,
Welcome. 
Hope