Ongoing abuse

[Papa Coco]

Good words, Kizzie,

NC with the whole family is a decision none of us should have to make, AND it's not a decision that can be made lightly. For me it was the last resort. My connections to the great gossip tree that was my entire family was threatening my life. It was shortly after a dangerously close suicide of my own that the decision finally made itself for me. My family or my life. Binary Choice.  My family finally got so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore.

[Blueberry]

I appreciate all the posts on this thread basically saying - gotta go NC. And although I believe that cognitively, I'm not that far along yet emotionally. It seems that's the way I am - I need to keep trying. Or some part of me does, or something. I discussed it in T a couple of days ago. I am preparing to do a tiny confrontation - not on anything from the distant past but on money and wills etc. Basically saying: is it X or is it Y? Yes or no?

I know it's normally not recommended, but I discussed it with my T, including how to go about it, e.g. what protective imagination exercises to do first, what to say and not to say and how far to keep my emotions in check. Before I came on here, I did do some imagination exercises, but I was blanking out before I started. So, it may take at least a few days for me to broach this, but I'm determined to do it.

Being thousands of miles away + VLC and armouring is not enough for me, it's going to have to be no contact,
but I intend to go out with a bit of bang first

The thing I have in mind here is a different kind of confrontation and would come later but my T OK'd it in principle too. That means that I've come a long way.

Both of these confrontations mean that I have a deeper understanding of this ongoing abuse. In the second confrontation, it involves giving 2 FOO mbrs a choice. The ball's in your court kind-of-thing but knowing that there's max 5% chance that they'll choose modus operandi which would enable me to remain in contact. It's not so much that I want to give them the chance, it's more about me standing up for myself. And if their words or actions say "you're not allowed to stand up for yourself i.e. you're not allowed to confront us about abuse", then it's either even more VLC than is already the case and then a fade-out or direct NC.

Small steps count.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Yes, small steps definitely count.  You have planned and thought through what you intend to do, and I hope that the outcome will be one that feels ok to you - and I send you supportive hugs 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Small steps definitely count as does careful planning that makes things as safe for you as possible.  It's a really tough thing to go through no matter what but it makes a difference when you do so in as thoughtful manner as possible and as palatable for you.

  my friend

[Blueberry]

I finally wrote that email which is a confront of sorts and sent last week.

It seems to me there are a number of posts atm on forum about ongoing abuse or abuse in adulthood based on that which was done in childhood - like if we hadn't been abused and traumatised by it then, it wouldn't be so easy for people to abuse us or treat us badly now. Of course it's very sad that it is like this for so many of us, but seeing as that's the way it is, it's helpful for me to read these posts. JMO

[dollyvee]

It seems to me there are a number of posts atm on forum about ongoing abuse or abuse in adulthood based on that which was done in childhood - like if we hadn't been abused and traumatised by it then, it wouldn't be so easy for people to abuse us or treat us badly now.

I think one of the first things I read or started researching after coming to this forum was the Beyond Bitchy podcast on boundaries that someone suggested. (I can't remember who - threeroses?) . It was a slow lightbulb moment I think. For me, I was never taught/allowed to have boundaries (and unfortunately it was given the name love - we/I love you, so this is why I'm doing this and as a child I guess I did feel "loved" at times whatever that was) and so I thought that certain behaviours were "normal." I thought it was normal for me to be so open and giving with people, but IRL I kept meeting narcissists who would hurt me. I guess hurt me like my family did but in my mind that was love 

So, I've been revising those behaviours and getting better at boundaries which I think does make me feel better. It's also a lot of self doubt when I do assert them and people don't like it, but that's standing up for myself and that was also foreign to me growing up, but it doesn't mean that's what I'm doing is wrong (and I'm wrong). I think I have good intentions when I do it.