looking for relief

[sanmagic7]

i picked this title because that's exactly what i feel like in this phase of my recovery. 

i talked to my T about how i can't make any real progress on healing from the people in my life cuz nearly every time i speak w/ her we're putting out little side fires, so to speak, from triggers or new events that have disturbed and distressed me.  really, at times, it's felt like i'm getting worse instead of better cuz i'm so full to overflowing w/ this crapola i'm now sensitive to the slightest anything.

she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

i've also had an ongoing issue about my D and her father (my ex).  knowing that she's still communicating w/ him and what kind of person he is makes my skin absolutely crawl. my T and i also talked about that - it just hurts my mother heart that he can manipulate her and is most likely feeling good about it, making her his friend as he struggles w/ D1 now (who my D2 has already gone NC with, and he knows about the problems, knows it upsets my D2, but doesn't care), discussing his issues w/ her sister cuz he knows he can and she won't say anything.  ugh!  these are the thoughts that run thru my head about the 2 of them, and i hate it, hate him, can't see this ending until he no longer exists.

my T has listened to me about this many times, but this time she came up w/ one of those little nuggets which are difficult to digest and accept, but which i grudgingly know is true -- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

[paul72]

hi San,
I really like that theory about tackling the smaller pieces as a part of breaking up the big ones. It definitely rings true to me... I'd go with it too
This morning my T told me the fact that I'm so sensitive right now to my body's tensions, etc shouldn't be making me nervous about getting worse. That it's a positive, being connected with my body means I'm present ... and I can tell that is true (and wonderful in that perspective)
So maybe your sensitivity is a positive too?
I hope you get some relief today ... you certainly deserve it !
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, phil.  hugs are always welcome.  you've made an interesting point about the sensitivity thing.  being more present and in my body, being more human, even, could very well be what's happening.  i'll definitely give that one more thought. 

after writing, it occurred to me that part of this experience i'm going thru right now could possibly be part of me becoming more human.  wait a minute ---  is that a flash of hope that just skittered by?  o my heart - what an unusual thought and strange feeling - that i might have a bright side to look at in all this for the first time.  dang! 

i realized the other day that it's been quite a while since my legs went out from under me.  could that be linked to all this?  that because i'm beginning to feel some emotions, my body doesn't have to take the hit for them in quite the same way?  another dang - i don't want to get too excited, scared of that, but it's a possibility there's something to get excited about.  whoa, nelly!  definitely reining myself in here, but what if?

[Bach]

I can relate to what you're saying here.  Being present in my body is new for me and is often very unpleasant, but it still seems to make sense to me as the way forward to some day, eventually, finding some relief.  I hope you find some success along that path as well.  What if, indeed?   

[sanmagic7]

thank you bach for your well wishes w/ this.  i don't know if i can take it, tho. 

after a little time pondering this whole sensitivity thing, i'm in turmoil.  i don't want to be this sensitive.  i looked at my tomato plant and it was drooping, and i got extremely upset that i didn't take care of it well enough.  it's my responsibility and i'm causing it distress.  lots of shoulds running thru my mind - should've gotten out there earlier, should've watered it last nite cuz i knew the heat was going to start up again today, should've paid more attention, should've acted more responsibly - all this over a plant.

my anxiety and disturbance ramped up immediately, and i rushed around trying to make it right.  i'm feeling like i let my child down, like i'm not a good mom to these babies (there are more than one veg. plant i'm growing) and it just took over w/o any thought.  it was just there and i hated all the feelings i had.  i've often wondered, even many years ago, if i'm too sensitive for this world.  and now w/ everything going on, i can feel how i'm packing feelings down as hard as possible so as not to crumble.

this doesn't seem right.  i don't like it at all.  can't seem to find a balance where i'm more human yet less disturbed by even the seemingly smallest things.  i've always had a sense of compassion, but this is too much.  i want to keep a viable amount w/o getting overwhelmed, and i don't know how to do that.  i'll talk to my T about it tomorrow.  i feel like a bunch of raw nerve ends.

[rainydiary]

Hi San, I am catching up on your new journal.  I resonate with the sensitivity.  I hope that you find some evenness amongst all the up and down.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the well wishes, rainy.  much appreciated. 

thinking about my meltdown yesterday, i'm wondering if i was transported back to D1's first ER trip and how i felt like i was a failure as a mother - i couldn't protect her against herself, and protecting my children was my first priority.  it feels awfully close to the truth and that those feelings (which had been abruptly shut down at the time by a cop) came to the surface at this time and in this way.  dang, i feel blindsided by these hits to my emotions now.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, san.  Hope your T was able to help some. It is interesting how sometimes the smallest of things can be connected to the larger ones. Maybe in working with the plants, it's some kind of practice run for dealing with the bigger emotion? Just a thought.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
What you said about your tomato plants was something I thought about when I was looking at a plant I have at home.  Your level of connection with your plant, and your sensitive attunement to it, your care and attention, it was really strong.  I wondered if you were projecting emotions there - maybe a part of you that is very sensitive and caring.  I must admit I gave my own plant some water as a result of thinking what you'd said. 

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Armee]

T's theory feels right to me, and I do believe these things ARE the big traumas. Just like you said: broken up into workable pieces. These are the pieces to work on now. They will add up slowly.

I can't imagine how unbelievably hard it is to see that relationship continue. It is her path but it doesn't mean it's easy to watch!

[Not Alone]

San, I had so many thoughts as I was reading your journal. First,  .

When I was reading about your plant, my thought was that your feelings were connecting to some very deep roots. (Pun was not intended!) It seems you made that connection with D1's first ER trip. It is so hard to be blindsided like that. I've been in that place many times; "I thought I was so upset over plants, (for me: phone, paint color.)" Then the root, or at least part of the root, comes to light. It stinks and it's hard and it's trauma.

she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

This makes sense to me and it sounds like it resonated with you. San, your brain is amazing to do that! I know that it feels awful and I don't want to minimize that at all.

Not sure if this fits for you, but when I read your journal, I thought about something my T has said to me/my Littles. At the time of the trauma, it was not safe to feel fear, anger, etc. Now that you are feeling somewhat safe, those feelings are allowed to come.

-- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

I get that. I'm there.

[sanmagic7]

hi, CF, interesting thought.  thanks for that.  my T was able to help a lot.  deep digging, tho.   

hope, also interesting thought about projecting emotions.  i do feel very connected to my garden - all those plants are my babies and i actually feel the need to look after them, take care of them, protect them, just as i did (and still do) as a mom. that's really the only comparison that fits.  and, yes, i do get very emotional about them, just like i did w/ my kids.  maybe wacky and weird, but there it is.   

hey, armee, you're right - it's not easy to watch, and she's very careful to not talk to him on the phone in the same room as me, so i'm grateful for that.  and i also agree w/ that theory about pieces of bigger traumas.  doing it this way is more manageable on one level, and we can dig at it a bit more after the fact.  thanks for your thoughts   

notalone, thank you for all your thoughtfulness and support.  being reminded this is trauma-based is helpful.  there is no rhyme or reason to how our brains react to something because of what's gone on before.  it completely fits for me about feeling safer now.  my D is very kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, even on my down days, and i'm sure that has a lot to do w/ the progress i'm able to make.   

thank you all for your responses.  i can't express how much your thoughts and opinions mean to me, to say nothing about the hugs.  they translate easily in my mind to caring, and it's wonderful.

yesterday's session went well, even tho difficult.  i told my T about the connection to my D1 story, and she was all in on that immediately.  our discussion quickly evolved from plants to D1, and my feelings about how i failed as a mother because she had been driven to such a horrible extent and i didn't somehow protect her from that.  and then, at the hospital, when i crumpled to the floor sobbing and that cop told me to get up and be strong for her, it was one more time i wasn't allowed to be human, to be weak.

and that was the basis of the session - i've always presented myself as strong, people came to expect that of me, and too many times i've been told how strong i was even when i was falling apart and just wanted to be weak, be in need, be the one who was taken care of instead of tending to everyone else's needs.  my F's words come to mind immediately - stop crying - crying doesn't do any good.  i was crying cuz i was distressed about something, but it was quickly shut down.  the lid was nailed shut by the time i was 14.  didn't cry for 24 years after that, not until i began recovery.

except, i would cry in church, quietly, when we sang hymns about being loved by god/jesus.  i think it was an indication of how unworthy i felt to be loved - this just came up now - and i'd have to stop singing.  just couldn't bear it and felt like i'd begin sobbing all over the place.  no wonder i still tear up when loving gestures, patience, kindness are portrayed on tv.  maybe there's a piece of that still there.  probably a big piece, or maybe it's grief cuz i'm witnessing something i missed out on throughout my life.

anyway, by the end of the session i said 'let me be weak' to the universe.  i know how strong i am, know the measure of my strength.  didn't know how important it was for me to allow weakness to be part of my makeup.  even now, if i'm not posting on someone's remarks on a regular basis, especially cuz i'm done in, i can feel guilt, like i'm not living up to the high standards i've set for myself.  in mexico, i remember having to consciously think about and choose whether i wanted to get well.  it felt so nice being taken care of by my hub, and getting well would mean i'd have to live up to all those expectations again.  then i remembered i had the power to say 'no'.  and i began getting better.

[sanmagic7]

battling w/ anxiety lately, had a full-blown anxiety attack yesterday.  haven't had one in a while and it left me frantic.  it was after my D left for a med. appt.  too many thoughts of death lately, too, and what would i do if she died?  i already know i couldn't cope.  nope, not for that.  it would be the thing that would finally break me.

don't know why death is on my mind lately.  i don't like it.

i felt less frantic about my plants after session yesterday.  that whole thing definitely had 'roots' in my being a mother.  i've taken all the responsibilty for raising my girls myself, and i too often forget that there were 2 men involved in their existence, neither of whom were a help to me in raising them for one reason or another.  ooooh, little anger flare-up there.  it sucks that they put it all on me, whether physically present or not.  we flash tech.'d thru this, and it was good to once again remember this simple truth - i was left alone, felt alone in such a huge endeavor.  i thought about single parents, can't imagine how they do it.

i've always known, tho, that i wasn't capable of raising a child on my own - i just don't have the mental and emotional capacity for it.  i know it's part of the reason i stayed in both those marriages too long - i needed help from a partner.  unfortunately, even when sharing the same house, i was let down.  ugh.  too much.

[Armee]

A truth I've seen San is that it is harder to raise a child with an abusive coparent than raising a child as a single parent. What you went through was harder than single parenting. You should have had real help from the fathers of your children. I'm sorry you didn't. 

Oof. A full panic attack. That is rough.

What I see San and I may be off is that you are uncovering both how alone you were but also how strong you really were to get through everything. Now you get to be human and feel all that stuff. But please try not to feel weak for feeling it. To me it is all evidence of how strong you were and are. Strong enough even to fall apart a bit.

I really felt a lot for you reading about what you went through with your daughters one right after the other and what the police officer said to you. So much heart ache there. Ouch. That was too much to go through too close together. 

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you San - I have had death on my mind of late too.  I hope that you find some relief even if momentary.