looking for relief

Started by sanmagic7, August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM

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sanmagic7

#120
armee, love the encouragement.  thank you so. :hug:

this morning was emotional.  i envisioned my mom returning w/ baby sister in tow.  there was a big deal made of introducing me to her, everyone joyous and excited, which felt very inclusive.  i was smiling and felt contentment.

i decided to go a step further.  i believe my emotions had already been shut down by this point in my life so i pushed thru to having that rectified, at least as much as i could.  it was kind of intense as i pictured my dad going thru most of the basic emotions - mad, sad, ashamed, afraid, hurt (for some reason i didn't include happy, but that may be because in this scenario there was happiness around me and i've now felt it twice while going thru my new upbringing).

so, i imagined how my dad dealt with me having the other basic emotions.  w/ each one, he told me it was ok to feel that way, that he feels those emotions, too, they're something everyone feels.  when we got to fear, it was quite incredible for me in real life.  he told me everyone gets afraid sometimes, it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that it was ok.  then he said 'don't worry, i've got you' and as soon as i heard those words, my adult self burst into tears of relief.

so, i spent several minutes crying, thinking about that, what a difference it made to have heard that.  he also gave me a way to deal w/ fear, which was to assess the situation for any true danger, in which case i had a choice to make - fight or flee.  he also told me if it wasn't going to actually hurt me to either put it to the side or (he offered me a little cardboard box) to put it in the box.  i could know the fear was there, acknowledge it, but since it was in a place where it couldn't stop me, i could then go ahead and do what i wanted to do in the first place.

to have emotions acknowledged instead of shamed or humiliated for having them, or dismissing them and having him get angry at me and punishing me when they showed up - it would have made all the difference in my life.  i would have been allowed to be human, show a rational feeling for situations, and know that it's normal, that he had my back.  if i'd had this even at such a young age, i can only imagine the results in life situations. 

instead, i kept silent when anything upsetting or frightening happened, never went to either parent for help, assistance, common sense, direction, or answers to questions i mite have about anything in relationships and interactions.  i was on my own from too early on.  watching this new scenario play out has given me some of the happier emotions i've never felt before, and has normalized those emotions my brain/mind had to hide for fear of retribution. 

i'm pretty wiped out from this today, so it looks like rest is in order.  but it's so very good to experience this.

even as i went away from this narrative, i felt the need to return here.  something else is brewing, i can feel it inside, but have no idea what it might be.  but something's there . . .

rainydiary

I appreciate you sharing your experiences of saying to your younger self what you needed to hear. 

CactusFlower

Hugs, san!  That's a lot of work, but it sounds like it's really helping.  Thank you for sharing with us.

sanmagic7

thank you, rainy, for your support :hug:

CF, it's more work than i expected. thanks for your support. :hug:

well, now i know what was bubbling up - self-doubt.  don't know if i'm making too big a thing out of how i'm feeling about this, if i used terms, like torture, which really don't apply, if i'm self-pitying and seeing what i don't remember as more thank it actually was.  i just don't have any other explanation for how i came out of my childhood w/ no emotions except sadness.  they must have been there, they must've gotten stopped somehow because i spent my life w/o them. 

T tomorrow - i'll get some insight from her which will hopefully put my fears and doubts to rest, or have me look at my experience more realistically.  ugh!  i thought this would be smooth sailing and i'd be joyful at finally putting this puzzle together in a way that makes sense for me, instead of now, having rewritten this small portion of my life it's bringing me to more sadness, more confusion.  i've lived most of my life confused and feeling on my own and i thought this would mend all that.  it's bringing up more of it, tho, and my mind is in a whirlwind right now.

Armee

 :hug:

Self doubt sucks. And when we doubt ourselves as much as we here do....well it's just not very useful. Can you try thanking the doubt and then ignoring it a bit? The psychological abuse component that we and you endured is a form of torture. It feels torturous. What you are doing is helping. Anything else - literal precision, doubt etc - it's just not helpful toward healing. But when the self doubt falls away there is a consequence to that too and the doubt protects you from that.

sanmagic7

armee, thank you so much for the word 'torturous'.  that's what fits here.  and my T reiterated what you said about psychological torture.  you helped me be able to fall asleep last nite by giving my that word.  she also talked about self-doubt as something we learn from our parents so it makes sense to feel it when we speak our truth.  you have my gratitude. :hug:

so, now i've gotten to my second birthday, which i imagined as being a joyful occasion, one where my parents included my sister and celebrated my being just as i was.

my real birthday is fri., i'm gonna be 75, a milestone to me.  there is no way i'd have lived this long w/o some external help from everyone here - i know of at least 3 instances where i should have been dead long before this.  people here and my guardian angels got me thru.  so grateful.

Armee

Oh San Happy Happy Happy Birthday all week. I am so glad you were born, made it all this way, and are now getting to be made anew, too. I don't know how I would have made it through the past especially several weeks without your warmth and hugs and just the right words you always have.

I am grateful for the souls who have pulled you through to make it to 75. Especially YOU! Keep going!!

CactusFlower

Happy upcoming birthday, san! We're glad you're here with us, and we celebrate you just as you are. happy hugs!

sanmagic7

armee, your words and wishes brightened my heart this morning.  thank you so. :hug:

CF, those happy hugs and accepting words made me smile.  thank you so much  :hug:

i'm having a sugar week, using my birthday as an excuse.  at least to make me not feel so bad about it.  i suspect it's got something to do w/ rewriting my narrative (that's what my T called it, and also said 'this is therapy'.  i didn't quite know what to do w/ that - it seemed big).  bringing all this stuff back up and re-imagining it can be tricky, especially so far because it's all been before there were any memories.  i think i don't know quite what to do w/ all the happiness my narrative is actuating, all the smiles, touches like hugs, enjoyment of me just being me from my folks (not so much my mom - she's not been in this as much as my dad) accepting me, and encouraging me to be me (dang, it's all about me!)

at any rate, i suspect some of this is making me uncomfortable at an inner level of my being.  but i believe it's working, doing what it's meant to do, which is allow me my spirit, to be able to recognize and set boundaries, and to know someone has my back.  even writing those 3 things nearly overwhelmed me.  this is affecting me at emotional levels - tears were threatening right now - so i know i'm getting to the heart of all this. 

one really positive thing i've noticed is that darkness of trauma is not covering me.  i'm not sure where or why it went, but i feel much lighter, have more intrinsic energy.  odd.  but, i remember seeing it leave last week, which may also sound odd, but i've had that experience before, several times.  i think it's part of my ultra-sensitivity to forces w/in and around me.  like my personal magnetic field is so strong that i stop watches.  that's been going on since junior high when i got my first one.  huh. i can't ever discount my energy level - it's brought wild and wonderful things to me.

kind of rambling.  i'm pretty caught up in all this, everything surrounding it, and my birthday coming up.  my 34th birthday was a big deal for me, not sure why, but felt like some kind of turning point (my D2 was born, had my idyllic family - i thought- and everything changed, including me, but not necessarily for the better)  but this one feels monumental somehow.  getting to it feels like one of my greatest accomplishments in life.  i'll take it.

sanmagic7

best birthday EVER!!!! :yahoo:  thank you everyone who gave me wishes and words - they were gifts of the highest quality - they really helped make my day so wonderful!  :grouphug:

today i'm a little tired - all that over-stimulation and excitement kinda wiped us out last nite, but i'm still feeling good.  i don't want to jinx anything, but saying it doesn't make it so, right?  i still feel that darkness of trauma which has been covering my every thought has gone away. it feels really nice.  like i can see the world a little more clearly (which doesn't bring much comfort nowadays, but still).

so, waiting and watching, hoping this stays.  i still have more childhood work to do, but that will wait till it decides it's time.  i also know i'll have trauma memories after childhood to process.  in the meantime, i will just enjoy.

rainydiary

I am glad your birthday was special.  Best wishes as you continue to move through the darkness.

CactusFlower

hugs, san. so glad it was a good birthday for you!

sanmagic7

rainy, thanks for that extra encouragement about moving thru the darkness.  loved it! :hug:

thanks, CF.  it was the best. :hug:

even tho i'm still not feeling that heavy weight of trauma darkness engulfing me, i'm still finding myself getting upset at the smallest things, almost like i'm pouting - 'we do this for you, why can't we do that for me?' kind of thing.  it was something between me and my D, and it got straightened out, but for half a day i was bothered.

pouting - could that be a little me showing her face?  since i've gotten to the point in my reinvention narrative where i'm 2, it just struck me that these would be the years for pouting to begin.  i don't know that i ever pouted!  that will surely be part of my next round of growing up in a healthy, nurturing atmosphere.  wow - so glad i didn't edit myself.  it opened a door.

Armee

 :hug:

Little toddler San deserves to be a regular loved kid who pouts sometimes. I think you're completely right that's what is happening. You're doing a great job and this really seems like a solid path toward healing. Keep going.

rainydiary

I resonate with expressions from our littlest selves.  I hope giving room for those pouts and expressions releases some things.