looking for relief

[CactusFlower]

Thinking of you, San. I don't know if it might help, but I assign all catastrophizing thoughts to my Inner Critic, since it feels like sabotage sometimes. Then I imagine how I've personified him and literally say, "That's not real, not even realistic, shut the -- up." Just a thought, and gentle hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,  thank you for your thoughtfulness and support.  actually, i don't feel weak for being emotional, but rather i want to feel the opposite of strong sometimes and the word which came to mind for that was 'weak'.  i'm so tired from being strong thru everything, have been expected to be strong and take care of myself and others and our surrounding issues all the time that i simply want to feel weak, feel not strong for a little bit at times.  i am able to do that every so often w/ my D, but she's not in a good place herself, so i can't really allow myself not to be strong 99% of the time.  i just want to rest.

rainy.  it's' a weird thing, the whole death issue.  thank you for your well wishes, and back atcha.

CF, i've thought a lot about what you wrote, the whole catastrophizing thing (i've never been completely sure what that really meant) - is it that i thought of the worst that could happen?  ok, i've looked it up and found that it's more common w/ people who are fatigued, have chronic pain, and suffer from anxiety.  check, check, and check.  and that these things, over time, can cause a change in areas of the brain.  the idea of death, for various reasons, has been a companion to me since i was 15. 

and i'm not sure how an ICr is involved - that concept hasn't been clear to me, either.  i'll ask my T about it this morning.  thank you for your kindness and suggestions.   

groggy this morning, have been stress eating at nite, craving sugar - altho i think some of the eating is related to that.  i'm eating more of other things in order to stay away from sugar - and anxiety is ramped up.  now that i think of it, it may be the news - not only what's going on politically, but new diseases, the climate, this heat.  at least the plant thing has died down - it's something i realized i can do by myself, unlike raising children on my own.  and thanks, armee, for the insight on single parenting and parenting w/ abusive partners.  that was a bit comforting, actually.

so, life goes on.  i made it to today.  that's a victory.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs! and I'm so glad you made it to today. Wishing you energy and peace.

Yes, catastrophizing is jumping to the worst option. Like if you had a routine doctor checkup visit and your thoughts would end up thinking they'll find something terminal and how would your family deal with the loss, when all it is, is a normal visit. I should have explained it better.  Let me know if I need to clarify anything, please. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  your explanation hit the spot, and i appreciate your effort to clarify it for me.

talked to my T about the whole catastrophizing thing - it was a very dark conversation - and she agreed that, in my case, it was more of a realistic perspective of what could happen given the state of hate and anger permeating this country.  i finally had to 'give her to god', so to speak, as a way to thwart the worry i have of her meeting her demise.  once again leaving her to her own path. 

yesterday threw another wrench into the works.  put out one fire, up pops another one.  my D had neck surgery a few years ago, where she was implanted w/ a few pieces of plastic to keep her disks far enough apart.  after experiencing tingling/numbness in her fingers the past few months, she went for an MRI yesterday.  altho the results were in medical-speak, we surmised that there is something not quite right again, and she can't talk to her doc until next week.

yesterday was one of those days i wished i could feel 'weak', just curl up into a ball, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for a week or so.  however, i have to be there for my D, so i had to stay strong as best as possible.  she needs to be able to talk these things out, and i'm her main listening post.  i've got to stay present for her, especially at times like this.  cigs and food and meds - all were needed to pull me thru the day. 

kind of numb today - one more thing on the horizon to be aware of.  don't want to think about any of it.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a heartfelt hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

love it, hope.  thanks so much.

[Blueberry]

  san I hope you find some relief.

[CactusFlower]

Wishing you relief and peace. HUGS

[Armee]

 

Stupid life demanding us to be strong when we just want to crumple. 



Hang in there whichever way you can. We love you and you can be weak here.

[sanmagic7]

you are darling people.  thank you for all your hugs and support, blueberry, Cf, and armee.  so appreciated - you all lifted my spirit a bit.

yeah, i do feel it's ok to be weak here, which is a godsend to me.  i know we've often been described as 'weak' as if it's a denunciation of our character when we show emotions or can't get out of bed cuz of being overwhelmed or eat too much (put in any behavior here, like drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, etc.) in order to allay the pain or distract ourselves from the thoughts and memories that follow us around like bo-peep's sheep.  the word 'weak' has been used as a weapon against us.

i don't see anything weak about anyone who allows vulnerability.  i've heard the phrase 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' over and over in my childhood.  i've heard people use the word 'weak' as an excuse for inappropriate behavior  (it was a moment of weakness).  i don't agree with all that, but it's how i've been inundated w/ the word all my life.

so, i've had to reinvent the word for myself to mean the opposite of being strong and carrying on no matter what the situation.  i was humiliated for being emotional, bills didn't get paid if i didn't stay strong enough to take them over from an irresponsible spouse, i had to be the glue to keep my family together no matter what was going on and in spite of npd T, hub, and D1.  i've heard from people from forever about how strong i am cuz what? they didn't know how to handle the situation if i wasn't?  that's on them, isn't it?

anyway, weak is a word that means i can let down my guard, i can take several days off if i need them, i can melt into a puddle of tears and not only be allowed them but be comforted for them.  i have too many memories of instances where it just wasn't allowed, and circumstances now are not fertile for most of that.  so, i'm grateful to be able to be weak here.  thank you.

thinking of you all, but not enough energy to respond to many posts.  i've got to get out of this darkness first.

[CactusFlower]

no requirement to read or respond more, San. Thinking of you. I like your descriptor or re-framing the word "weak". Just a way to rest for a moment. Hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  and, yes i want those hugs - i want all i can get!!! 

got some relief in therapy yesterday about worrying about my D and her medical issues.  i'd realized that, while i've never had hope in life (true - hope was one of those feelings which escaped me) i've always had faith that whatever happened i'd be able to deal with it.  last week i discovered my faith in that area was missing.  i think that's why i went so dark, why i was so restless and rattled all day. 

so, yesterday we flashed on my darkness, and up came my faith, fairly bubbling to the surface.  it had gotten lost for a bit, but w/ that emdr technique i discovered it had been pushed down to my subconscious, probably buried by stress.  at any rate, it found its way to the top again, and i'm now quite solid in the belief that whatever happens w/ my D and her medical issues, we'll take care of it.  it's a good feeling for me to have back - makes all the difference in my day-to-day living.

we're going thru a few more hot days and then it will finally cool off.  this heat has also disrupted my routine and caused lots of stress in itself.  have been having a hard time finding a way to be cool enough w/o being too cold - my sensitivity thing is off the charts now, it seems.  when it cools down, i can do some transplanting - something i love - and we'll see if anything happens.  i'm a lot calmer about my plants now - we also flashed thru all my concerns and ended up having to deal w/ mothering issues, how i couldn't take care of my D's, etc.  better now. that's a bit of relief, too.

[CactusFlower]

more hugs, then!   Glad you were able to find something that helps. It sounds kinda similar to what we do in Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. I had trouble with the Higher Power thing until it really clicked that I get to define that for me, not anyone else.

[Armee]

 

so glad you found relief and faith that you'll get through whatever comes your way.

[Blueberry]

No need to respond to me either

Really glad you had T at all and even more so that it made things clearer for you - figuring out the reasons behind things - and then could process that some and reach a state of calm or calmer anyway