looking for relief

Started by sanmagic7, August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM

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CactusFlower

Gentle hugs, san. Totally resonate with the IC stuff, my critic totally has my abuser's voice sometimes. I also find the phrase, " i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse." to be very compelling. It's so true, and it's so very hard to get rid of that harness and wagon.  We're with you as the work on un-hitching continues.

sanmagic7

thanks so much, armee.  you brought a smile to my face!  :hug:

CF, i very much appreciate you being w/ me during this un-hitching.  thank you. :hug:

had therapy this morning.  my T took my worries, physical and financial, from me to keep them for me so i can get a break from some of this life.  also talked w/ my D, asked if we could refrain from talking about finances, barring great news or emergencies, until the end of the month.  she agreed.  i told her i need a break from all this, and we decided she also needs one, and we'll put those on hold at least thru the weekend.  sounds good to me.

Blueberry

Glad you were able to take those steps san and that D is agreeing to as well. That way you are not just looking for relief, you are actively taking steps to find it for yourself!  :cheer:

Also happy for you that your T is 'holding' your worries for you. It's been done for me in the past and I found it helpful.  :hug:

sanmagic7

thanks, blueberry.  it is important we advocate for ourselves, ask for what we want, especially if it goes against what we've been taught.  i think it helps make new neural pathways, which makes the next time easier. :hug:

terrible nightmare last nite - murder and mayhem against my ex.  didn't find any relief (i often wish he was dead and believe it would make a difference in my mind cuz he wouldn't be interacting w/ my D anymore (ugh) )  but just horror at what had happened.  my meds were still on high gear, so every time i fell back asleep, i was pulled right back into it.  rough night as i kept waking myself up so as not to have to be in that environment anymore.

i haven't been able to consciously work on my NN lately - seems like more than a month since i've been able to focus on it - but i have seen instances where i've made myself seen by my folks, have demanded answers from them, and generally spoke up for myself.  the report card incident, i could see myself actually going to my dad w/ grades in my hand, and asking 'aren't you proud of me?"  that actually happened just now, and it felt really good.  i've waited my entire life for those words from him, and can see him beaming at me, giving me a kiss on the top of my head and pulling me into a warm hug of happiness.

oh, that felt really good.  that brings me to about 12.  making progress.  it does seem a little weird to picture myself speaking up to them, but i can feel it in my body that it's freeing, like something's loosening up inside me.  mind/body connection at its finest.

Armee

Those nightmares sound so distressing, San. I know I have had nightmares of being in similar positions or even worse and they just sit with you and haunt you for days. Just keep remembering it's normal to have had those nightmares and normal to be upset by them.  :grouphug:

Imagining you going to your parents with your report card in your NN made me smile so big. You have done tremendous work even if you had to take a break! 12!!!!!

Not Alone

Glad your T is holding some of your burdens for you and that D is willing to take a break from talking about finances.
You have my empathy about your nightmare. It's awful enough to have those, but to fall asleep and continue in the dream. . .ugh!

Blueberry

san, what is NN? I keep reading it in your posts and wondering?

Great work atm :cheer:

sanmagic7

thanks, armee.  it's made me smile as well. to be able to picture me as a girl standing up to my folks, demanding to be seen and heard, telling them what i need and want is an absolutely amazing feeling.  and to be able to see them responding the way i needed puts the icing on that cake. :cake:
i'm so glad i decided to do this.  :hug:

hey notalone, yeah, just falling back into those dreams seems more terrible than having them in the first place.  not being able to let them go, returning to the scene, picking up where i left off so i'm actually expanding on the original nightmare . . . well, that's a nightmare in itself. thanks for your support and validation, :hug:

hi blueberry, NN became my shorthand for New Narrative - i'm re-writing my childhood in order to give my little me everything she needed from my folks starting from birth.  thanks for the support - much appreciated. :hug:

i quoted tennessee williams' blanche dubois (a streetcar named desire) the other day - 'i have always depended on the kindness of strangers' - and my D told me i was like that.  it's simmered in my brain since, and this morning i realized that's exactly what i've done most all my life.  floated from person to person, dependent on each for some cue/clue so as to help define my 'self'.  i've even told my D that i've used her for that, so this isn't just something from the past - i'm still needing it.

it's an interesting concept for me to wrap my head around.  being so clueless as to what my 'self' was about, what i should/shouldn't like/do/think/say/be - the list is endless.  but that's been me, an endless stream of unconsciousness.  by that i mean, i wasn't consciously aware of me because there was none.  this shakes my tum by writing it down, and a wave of sadness just flowed over me.

seeing my younger self in my NN is so completely different from the way it really was.  i have to think, even now, about what it was i needed, how i needed my parents to respond, what that was going to do for me, how it would affect me, etc.  it's like trudging thru thigh-high mud at times.  but being able to look into my mind and see myself smiling, feeling happy and free to be me at a young age is quite intense.  again, it explains so much, especially my overriding urge to feel free to express myself as i want.

my heart just broke for me.

sanmagic7

i have to take a break from here.  everything is too much   :grouphug:

Snowdrop


Armee

 :hug:

San I'll be thinking of you as you take care of yourself. Much love and warmth.  :grouphug:

Hope67

Dear SanMagic,
Look after yourself, and know that we'll be here when you are able to come back here - sending you lots of love and care and support in the meantime  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Papa Coco

 :hug:

Take care. We'll still be here when you feel less overwhelmed.

Not Alone

 :grouphug: Love and tenderness to you, San.

CactusFlower

Gentle hugs, san. Do what you need to for you, we can wait :)