looking for relief

[Armee]

I think you're right, about the origin of the recent anxiety bout. I have a similar tendency, to get an upsetting emotion often before it has even registered I have turned it into something familiar, for me usually shame and selfblame. It does help to see what's going on. 

Good luck with the smoke and sky triggers. I still remember the day the sky was black where we are until noon. It was eerie as all get out. Those red suns and orange skies are unsettling.

[Papa Coco]

Hey San,


Good to hear you had no bout with anxiety last night. Here's to hoping for a positive trend for you. 

I'd thought we were going to miss out on fire/smoke season this year in Seattle, but alas--the sky is orange, the moon is blood-red, and fires are all around us...again. To me it's like claustrophobia. I feel like I can't breathe (I do have sore chest, nausea and a headache, so it's affecting me physically), but my anxiety comes from knowing there's no escape. Nowhere to go. The smoke is everywhere.

My T has always told me to not stress over the sessions that I can't remember. Years back when I was in my first few years of trauma therapy, I'd enter his office, and 5 minutes later the session would end. I'd look at the clock and see that 45 minutes had passed, and I couldn't remember any of it. Even today, I still often forget what we talked about, but my T reassures me that remembering the session isn't critical. He says he was still able to work with my traumatized brain, whether I remembered it or not. In fact, it might have even been beneficial. If I'm in his presence WHILE I'm flashing back, he is able to zoom in on the real problem while it's in play.

I hope that's the case for you too. Sessions that fall into the trauma storm are still good sessions.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, i sent an email to my T about my theory - i think we'll work on that tomorrow.  didn't think of 'go with that' at the time.  better late than never.  thanks for your care and concern.

PC, thank you for your kind words.  eco-anxiety has become a real thing - my T said she has a lot of clients in the midst of it.  some of my anxiety mite be related to that as well.  luckily we had some rain last nite,  here's hoping both the heat and the fires end!

last nite's rain made the air feel so good, smell so good - it's like my entire body gave a sigh of relief. 

i was in mexico for 9/11, and it was horrific to be there, away from my D's.  at the time i didn't know the border had been closed and i wouldn't have been able to get there anyway.  it was the most alone i remember being.  i'd only been there less than a month.  this year my mind kind of skipped over it.  and QE dying brought mixed thoughts and feelings.  i've been learning so much over the past couple years about history and backgrounds, it's skewed many of the views i've held most of my life.

that's not a bad thing for me, just a learning curve.  i'm glad to be able to indulge myself in this sort of thing - it's making me more aware of what's truly gone on not only in this country but in the world.  i've always put some of my greatest value on learning, and i'm discovering just how much there is still to discover.

this morning, i'm feeling ok.  yesterday was rough as my D went thru a bad disconnect w/ a friend.  they'll work it out, but it brought to mind how different the perspective and communication can be for people who have had therapy about their problems and those who haven't. she was upset by it the entire day, talking it out, running messages thru me to see how they sounded, giving her reassurance she did good to stand by her boundaries yet be fair.  it was quite upsetting to me to watch her go thru it, end up w/ a migraine by the end of the afternoon. 

she's so fragile right now, and i'm glad to be a prop for her.  unfortunately, it impacts on me in a neg. way, and i have to work myself thru it.  hopefully, she's better today. 

[Papa Coco]

San,

I'm glad to hear you got your rain and that it really did help you release some anxiety. It's also good to read that your 9/11 stressor was less than usual this year. What a relief.

I'm glad you are able to be a prop for your D also, but I also understand how it impacts you too. It's good you have a T appointment tomorrow. You need to be sure your D's issues don't swamp you too. That's a precarious position for you to be in: Dealing with your own anxiety and someone else's simultaneously. My kids can drag me into their dramas quickly because I love them. I know how tough it can be to not get dragged into drama with our children. We love them. We're their support. But at the same time, we are fragile also.

About QE, I've begun to see that the world is turning topsy-turvy on all fronts. We're all learning the dark side of every story now. We are seeing some of our own celebrity heroes fall due to the secret dirty lives they've been living right in front of us. What's messing with my anxiety is learning that no family, no matter how powerful, is not without its evil.

Now I really do understand the old saying, "You should never meet your heroes." Believing that any other person or family is charmed, or better than the rest of us, is a trap we need to not walk into anymore.

In years past, our movies and TV shows and novels made it crystal clear who was good and who was bad. Today's trend is to keep you guessing throughout the story. It's more realistic today, that we are all learning that good and bad shares space in every heart and every soul, and that what some of us think is good, others think is bad, and that choosing to keep an open mind is our only link to reality. We're leaving the world of black-and-white simplicity and entering into the world of gray. Everything is gray. Gray is more accurate than black-and-white thinking, but it's also more stressful. We're more accountable to our own assessments now. This is one of the adjustments that keeps me a bit on edge. I'm now better at asking myself if I'm being too judgmental on people who are behaving offensively. Often, they have a powerful reason for being what I used to call "jerks." It's also helping me to be more cautious around people I used to just trust because they appeared to be good.

The world is evolving to a place where we need to trust our instincts more than our automated, simplistic views on authority. I grew up believing all cops were good, all priests were godly, all parents were loving, all thieves were bad. It's no wonder I've lived in hypervigilant anxiety and depression. In order to believe all cops, priests and parents were good started a war in my head because while I was automatically trusting them all, I was also being abused by all of them. Crazy-making!!!!

Learning that life is a blend of good versus bad in every person and every situation has made me more accountable to think more deeply through my assessments of my fellow humans. More forgiving, but also more suspicious. The only true evil I see on the earth now sociopathy. The lack of empathy in people and corporations and governments and religions is causing almost all our problems, socially and physically.

This transitional world we're coming into is anxiety producing and tough to accept. But we can get through this! Social change is sometimes good, but it's always stressful.

[Armee]

 

I'm ok when my kids are OK. When they are not...breaks the heart.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, PC - i was raised sheltered, racist, and believing whatever was put in front of me.  i've had to work hard to break those beliefs, starting way back in the vietnam war era.  the idea that truths are coming out is difficult but necessary.  i'm glad for it.

armee, it's so true.  thank you for that amazing hug. and back atcha

another rough, emotional day yesterday.  finances this time.  ugh.

the other day my D and i were talking about lying.  she gave 2 reasons for it (fear and something else) and i added a third - just to do it to make someone else feel stupid.  she jumped on that, said those kinds of people were monsters.  i didn't tell her i was describing her father, but it gave me a sense of satisfaction somehow.

therapy this morning. i'm doing ok, by my limited standards.  i'm not the person i used to be in so many ways.  one thing i've retained is my ability to laugh.  as my D says (cuz she and i laugh daily) it's what's kept us sane.  i'm grateful for that.

[Armee]

To maintain a sense of humor is survival but also strength.

One day you D will see the truth on her own. That too takes strength to stay quiet when your really want to show her to protect her.

[Papa Coco]

I like what you said about laughing with your D every day. I believe you're right about how it's been a bonding agent for the two of you. I personally believe that as long as the laughter is pure and kind and stress-relieving, that the family that laughs together stays together.

The ability to laugh often at myself and my problems has probably been what's kept me alive for so long.

Also, about lying. I agree that we do it out of fear and to make others feel stupid. Basically, all of the reasons we lie are about retaining personal power. We lie to try and control a situation that we can't control with the truth. We lie to stay out of trouble, or to protect ourselves from others. Sometimes lies are good, like when used to protect someone good from someone bad. But those who lie to get an upper hand in a situation know they aren't smart enough to get what they want with the truth, so they try to gain control of circumstances by manipulating the truth and tricking others into giving them what they want. Personal power. The antithesis of controlling people with lies is accepting the truth for what it is, no matter the consequences.

It's truly a spiritual experience to accept every truth and live with it.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee for that boatload of support.  you're right - it does take strength to hold back things i'd like to say.  sometimes it seems like too much, but then i make it thru to the other side somehow.  i've got good friends in very high places - darling angels who have gotten me here.

PC, i liked your explanations for lying.  my favorite lie is lying to someone in order to keep a surprise a secret, like a gift or party.  other than that, i'd rather be hurt w/ the truth than with a lie.  thank you. 

i found myself feeling rather relaxed today despite the fact that my T cancelled, said she was feeling crappy from all the smoke, etc. surrounding where she lives.  i'm also discovering that seemingly some of my triggers don't blindside me as vehemently as they've done in the past.  could it be that 2 1/2 yrs. of 2x/week therapy is helping?  ack!  is this what it's like to feel better?  do i need to be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop? 

or could it be that the weather has finally gotten cooler and my nerves and muscles aren't completely tensed against dealing w/ the heat?  we'll see.  dang, started feeling anxious just writing about it.  rats.

[Armee]

Enjoy the ease. I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoes to drop. To me healing is in the amount of time between and how conked out I get when it does.

[CactusFlower]

agreed, enjoy the downtime while you can. One of the resources I read, can't remember which one, explained the healing like a widening spiral. You may come back to something, but each time there is more time in between and it's a little easier to deal with. And I'm sure it starting to cool off is a bit of relief no matter what!  hugs

[Papa Coco]

San,

The cooling has been a huge relief to me too. I'm still not sleeping well, but the nightmares are not the problem anymore. Just a busy brain. But during the day, with the smoke gone and the fires no longer threatening my kids' homes, and the ash no longer falling on my house, I feel so much relief.

I'm glad you're feeling it too.

And about lying. I agree. My favorite lie is when there's a surprise coming. Or when I'm lying to a liar. I've been so negatively affected by the lies of others that I just...can't...stand...liars...at...all!

And now we're coming into an election season. Ugh. Liars will call other liars liars, and the lies on both sides, from the politicians to the voters who vote for party lines (which I don't: I vote for people, not parties) will be so thick I won't want to listen to anyone say anything until the elections are over and done with. The news is banned when I'm in the room at our house until then. So is Facebook! My personal space is a no-lie zone.

And with a wife on the spectrum, she doesn't lie at all, and she's really good at seeing through other people's lies, so we are happy as two peas in a pod, living with the truth.



Enjoy the cooler, clearer skies!!!!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  i have been.

hey, CF - i think i'm beginning to see the spiral of which you speak.  it's kinda weird.  for too long i saw (because i was overwhelmed by them) i saw only negativity - my mind was too full to let in anything else.  so, thank you for that image. 

PC, glad you're finding some relief as well.  this was the worst summer i can remember, and i lived in the desert in mex. for 16 yrs.  hopefully the rains will come for everyone affected by these fires.  thanks for your support.

another morning of feeling ok.  i was even able to do a bit of writing yesterday.  it's still very difficult to have the energy and focus in order to concentrate for more than about 10 min., but i can fix a sentence or 2 in that time.  that at least feels like an accomplishment.  today i'm going to be a bit more physical, laundry, dishes, etc., but it feels good to be able to do that, too.  gives both my brain and my butt a rest (sitting a lot while the heat has been going on).

i did wake up w/ thoughts of my ex running thru my head, very uncomfortable, and could only stop them by getting up, so that's still going on.  altho i've tackled this several times w/ my T, i think it will only end when he's dead.  horrible sentiment, i know, but there it is.  my D said something yesterday to the effect that as chaotic and horrific her childhood was, she always felt loved and safe by her parents, and she wanted to let me know that, cuz, to her, those are the 2 most important things a child can get.

i immediately froze.  the hatred raced to the forefront of my brain, and i couldn't do anything but hold myself in check.  at the end, when she said we'd given that to her, i finally kind of croaked out - i'm glad for you that you got that.  i'm sure she felt me stiffen up - she senses things easily - but i couldn't do anything else.  i felt so awkward trying to contain my disgust and hatred, and i know i did a very poor job of it.  i also know she was giving me a gift, but it seems she's forgotten how she and her sister would hide in their room when he went off on the washer and dryer in a rage.  how did that feel safe to her, except that she was so used to it it didn't register anymore? 

ugh.  enough.  i hate it that my mind won't let me get away from him.  hoping to work on this some more on fri.

[Papa Coco]

San

Your D sounds like an amazing young lady. Today's children are born into a more "awake" world than my generation was born into. I'm amazed by them more often than not.

And I hope it's okay to know that life will be better when our abusers are dead. It is not a wish for their deaths, it's a sense that safety from them will only be permanent when they are no longer any possible threat.  My greatest evil was an older sister, who successfully turned my entire family into a war zone for 50 years. I don't know if she's alive or dead, but I have "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" cued up in my iTunes playlists, and I plan to run it on an all day marathon on the day that I finally find out she has passed. I haven't seen, nor heard from her, since 2010 but as long as I wonder if she's still alive, I always have a little fear the old monster is going to show up at my doorstep demanding I give her a place to live because it's not her fault that she's broke and no one else will help her.

Even that boy who turned my entire Catholic School against me in 1970 was a worry for me when I wrote my novels. One day, another boy I'd gone to school with found me on Classmates.com and called me just to apologize for his small role in how badly I was treated for all those years. He said "I never knew why everyone hated you so much and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I did too." I then explained to him about the boy who wanted me to be his boyfriend when we were 10, and when I didn't he started all the rumors that launched the 4-5 year campaign to get me to kill myself. He then told me that THAT boy died of AIDS in 2003.  I had the strangest mix of emotions: 1) the boy HAD been my best friend up until then, and I actually felt sorry for his death, but at the same time, I felt tremendous relief in knowing he'd never return to my life on any terms. A big sigh of relief gave me the peace I'd waited for since I was 10 that the abuse was finally over.

It isn't a death wish. It isn't revenge. It's a need to feel safe. That's what I think this is.

We have the right to be angry at our abusers. And if that anger feels like hatred, well that hatred is well-placed on someone who deserves it. It doesn't make us monsters. It makes us victims who want to feel safe.

That's my opinion.

[Armee]

I would have frozen too San.

Take in what an amazing job YOU did then to be in a household with someone so abusive and to still hold it together enough that your D came out of that feeling loved by both parents. That is a herculean effort and then some. You paid the price of course. And it's not an awful thought to wish he were gone. You know I had the same ones and it was true for me, there was no healing until she was gone. Terrible, but not terrible.