looking for relief

Started by sanmagic7, August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM

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CactusFlower

That sounds like some very powerful imagery. I'm glad you were able to make it what and who you actually needed.  Your strength, even if you find it hard to see, is inspiring to me. Gentle hugs if you want them.

sanmagic7

hugs always wanted, CF.  thanks for your encouragement and lovely thoughts. :hug:

i think i found what was missing, or at least a big chunk of it.  the teacher!  that teacher should have never sent me out of the school to walk home w/o notifying my mom, making sure she was even at the house when i got there.  for a nickel, that teacher sent me home by myself when i was still 4, i think (i started school early - we didn't have preschool and 4k back then).  when i grabbed hold of this thought i immediately got so  :pissed: :blowup: on so many levels, even calling her names out loud.  even felt some hate toward her, which felt appropriate.

w/ that, i want to be able to shut the door on this, but i still can't quite get around to that point.  maybe i have to re-live the entire thing again in my mind w/ my mother in place, or maybe i have to put a thoughtful, kind teacher in place (hmmm . . .) so that event never happened.  i'll try that, see what floats to the top.

in the meantime, i've had quite a few pretty bad days.  after the spa day (yeah, i'm still reeling from it) the stress of that much goodness on my body has been extremely difficult to absorb in a helping way.  altho i can now turn my head from shoulder to shoulder, which is wonderful, i've been dealing w/ a lot of pain, especially in my finger and hand where all the inflammation has settled.  hurts like a mutha, and i'm so tired to death of living in pain.

luckily i had therapy yesterday cuz i was at a pretty low, dark place about this.  she helped reduce the pain w/ eye movements, so that's helped, but the stress knocked me down another day.  this keeps getting harder and harder to maintain any semblance of wanting to continue.  i will cuz my D is still around.  i mean, i live w/ pain every day already, but even typing is difficult now.  ugh!  just want to whine about it here - this is not living, but merely surviving.  i exist cuz i refuse not to.  but i'm not enjoying it at all.

Papa Coco

San,

I wish so badly to give you a real hug. A protective "I've got you" kind of a hug. I'm furious at your teacher for sending you home so irresponsibly.

I know, all too well, the desire to quit healing and just go back into my hiding place. And, I know this isn't comforting to say, but from the darkest nights, emerge the most beautiful sunrises. My prayers and hopes are with you as you muddle through the darkness of this night.  Like you, I use my wife, children and grandchildren as my motivation to not give up. That's why I used my real nickname on this forum. My eldest grandson named me Papa Coco when he was three, and I stay the course because I love him and the rest of us too much to give up. 

I'm very glad your D is there keeping you motivated. I know how powerful that love is and I'm grateful it's there to keep you going. Dark times don't last forever. It's roller coaster that improves slowly over time. I strive every day for progress, not perfection. If I feel better this year than I did last year, then all my ups and downs were worth it.

I'm thinking about you, sending you all the encouragement and love that I can from here. You're not alone in spirit.

Armee

 :hug:

Pain is terrible. Pain that doesn't relent...well it is unbearable. Whine away...It's not really whining...we're here to listen and reaffirm "ugh that sucks!" Wish you could blow up the pain along with the trauma and walk away like one of those bad-*** female super heroes out of the flames, stronger than ever.

Yeah you are 1000% right. That teacher was horribly wrong and cruel and irresponsible. I don't know if ideas are helpful...I thought at first what if little San stands up for herself and tells the teacher how wrong it is to try to send her home over a nickel. But then i thought no! Little San needs someone to stand up for her and protect her. Little San needs first one kid in the class to say "that's wrong!" And then for the whole class to protest and say "that's wrong."  A class of 4 and 5 year old shouldn't have to tell that to an adult but wow just wow dereliction of duty there. Big time. They'd be fired maybe arrested today.

(((((((((Little San))))))))))) They shouldn't have done that to you. You were so little. And your mom should have had your back when that happened.

sanmagic7

PC, i appreciate the thought of that hug. thank you so.  unfortunately, what i've struggled w/ for over 30 yrs. is that this year is not better than last year.  ever since i began therapy, every new year i've felt worse.  lots of that was due to that horrible first T i had.  everyone i knew who was going thru recovery felt better, like you, every year.  i haven't experienced that yet. i used to say that to my ex, asking why i felt worse each new year.   at this point, i don't see it happening.  i'm alive, which is a miracle in itself.  i won't harm myself cuz i can't do that to my D.  that's it.  :hug:

armee, once again you brought tears to my eyes w/ that last sentence of yours.  thank you so much for that.  i could feel a little part of me healing cuz of it.  i thought of having little me stand up to the teacher, but already by that time in my life i simply did what i was told.  i needed the adults around me to be looking out for me.  i hadn't been alive long enough to think otherwise.  thank you for your spot-on words. :hug:

i keep imagining shutting the door on this chapter, but it won't stay shut.  frustrating.  i don't know what else i'm missing.  i'll keep looking.  i did add in several 'i love you's' from my mom as she was soothing and calming me.  that feels so foreign, so it's not sticking.  maybe i have to push harder on that.  we'll see.

rainydiary

I appreciate the image of trying to shut a door that won't close.  I hope that the questions you are asking reveal why the door seems to want to stay open.

sanmagic7

thanks, rainy.  :hug:

i worked on this is therapy this morning.  it came to me that i needed my parents to be angry at that teacher for me, show me their anger to let me know how anger even works.  (i never saw my folks fight the whole time i lived w/ them except for once - it was an argument about us kids and my dad started packing a bag to leave.  this gave me the idea anger was wrong and resulted in dire consequences.  only once did i ever get angry in a marriage, and that was about the incident that caused me, finally, to leave mex.). 

so, in my mind, hearing my mom express anger toward that teacher, then telling my dad about the incident at dinner that night and hearing him express anger as well made a big difference.  plus, i imagined my mom walking me to school the next day and telling that teacher never to do something like that again becuz of the distress it caused me.  i was able to do emdr flash thru this, which is when it all fell into place.

there was another incident not too long after that involved contracting pinworms from sitting on the floor in kindergarten.  these were relatively common back then, kind of like lice happens from kid's hairbrush to another kid's head, but they were much grosser and caused intense itching at night.  this was back in the days when we girls had to wear dresses, so there wasn't much between our sensitive parts and the floor.  my mom called a doc that night who made a house call (yeah, it was that long ago!)

the problem was that as he was exploring in me to find the problem, i have no idea where my mom was.  i remember lying in bed w/ this man rummaging around 'down there' and i was scared, confused, and having to bear this alone once more.  so, this was another situation around the same time cuz i hadn't been in school for too long yet where i needed my mom for reassurance and to let me know i wasn't going thru this alone.  i flashed thru this in order to get my mom by my side on the bed, holding my hand and telling me it would be over w/ soon and everything would be all right.

interestingly enough, when i was sitting outside for a bit later in the day, i imagined my parents looking down on me, and i thanked them for being w/ me during those 2 incidents, and i did a few eye movements just to lock it in.  it felt healing, like they were there nodding at me.  i'm glad that piece fell in there.  i believe these 2 situations are now finished and i can move on to when i'm 5.  *big sigh*

Armee

 :hug:

You always figure it out San. That's exactly what you needed in both those incidents. You are forming an amazing and resilient human as you go through this, San. 

sanmagic7

thanks, armee. :hug:

i've let this settle in and it feels solid, so i'll be starting on the next segment of my life,  but i wanted to review the level i just completed, which is level 3 - initiative v guilt.

QuoteWithin the context of Erikson's theory, initiative is "a truly free sense of enterprise, manifested at the societal level in a society's economic structure and endeavour."2

In practice, this looks like the enthusiastic desire to attempt new tasks, join or come up with activities with friends, and use new skills in play. The child begins to learn that they can exert power over themselves and the world.

due to the fact that i was just on the edge of the spectrum, as well as being 'brainwashed' in a sense to do things my parents' way, i spent a lot of time by myself, playing by myself.  i don't remember having the feeling of power over myself.  i was a scared little girl, trying to please all the adults in my life at the same time, and becoming extremely upset and frightened if i failed at that - the milk money incident.

i have that feeling now, thanks to a lot of hard work and my D and T, but the idea of powerlessness runs strong in my mind.  working thru this has pretty much erased that - when i look at little me at that age now, i'm not so scared about the incident as a whole, and i got the nurturing and support i needed so, in my mind, little me can move forward w/ confidence. 

that seems strange to write.  altho i've looked confident most of my adult life, i became very good at not acknowledging or not even having fears about whatever endeavor i took on.  hence, many solo road trips to mexico which people raised their eyebrows at, voicing their own fears for me.  i never took them on and did pretty much whatever i wanted to do.  that began when i moved across the country from my parents' house. 

2 friends had already moved and had asked me to join them.  a new experience, the west coast, living at the edge of the beach, surfers (all this was unicorn land to a midwesterner) and the chance to get out from under the stifling expectations of my folks - yep, i was going to drive 2300 mi. for all that.  my sis didn't want to go, so i was going alone.  the idea never fazed me for a minute.

but it fazed my mom and she begged my sis to go w/ me cuz she was so scared for me to be on the road alone.  it still amazes me how my independent spirit was able to shine once i was out from under their influence - i discovered this when i first went away to college.  my fingernails, which had always been bitten down to the quick were suddenly getting long and strong and beautiful!  i've never bitten my nails since, but it was a discovery to me just how anxious i'd actually been living under their roof. (well, i never bit my nails again, but i discovered a new best friend instead - alcohol)

at any rate, when i look back at the new little me, i'm not frightened and so debilitatingly confused now. i have a creative mind now (wow! that came out of nowhere!  that creativity, or lack thereof, is part of the alexithymia.  it's never been a big part of my mind - like, i never made up stories to tell my girls - didn't have the capacity for that.  the only place i had creativity was as a therapist.  i got very creative when working w/ someone.  whew, but to think of feeling creative when i was 4/5 - nonexistent.  always colored w/in the lines. 

that realization made me feel good right now.

QuoteBy trying things on their own and exploring their own abilities, they can develop ambition and direction

ambition and direction have been missing from my life.  too floaty, go where the wind blew whatever direction that might be.  no ambition to push myself, make informed choices, decision-making was relegated to 'fly by the seat of my pants' impulsivity, for the most part.  this new little me will be able to think things thru, weigh the pros and cons, go w/ informed choices.  maybe not all at once, but she at least now has the seeds planted for doing so as she gets older.

it's a different world looking thru these eyes now.  i'm feeling more secure about myself and my support system (parents) and am feeling the freedom to be me which i don't remember having while i lived w/ my folks.  i can picture me this way now, and she's smiling rather than anxious and confused.  what a difference.

i just looked up the next level, ages 6-11, but i have some 5-yr. old memories to take care of before i can move on.  one includes my mother, one my father.  those need to be settled first.  so, onward.

Not Alone

You are being very creative in the ways that you are caring for little San. Way to go.

rainydiary

I appreciate you sharing about the thoughts coming up.  The word that came to my mind is "expansive." 

sanmagic7

notalone, i so appreciate your support.  thanks.

rainy, i agree w/ the word 'expansive'.  all these 'little' memories are holding a ton of perspective, thoughts, and sometimes even feelings.  i'm kind of amazed at how in depth i can go w/ all this, each incident.  thank you for your support :hug:

very low energy the past few days.  talked to my T yesterday, just chatted.  she brought up the idea that since i'm gaining these newfound insights, healing some of the early wounds, that my narrative might begin incorporating my newly discovered strengths and reclaim some of the emotions that got pounded down into barely anything.  i had to think about that concept, and what i came up w/ is that i need those old wounds mended rather than standing up for myself as a youngster.

the way i'm seeing/feeling it, this NN is only coming about because i'm able to alter my parents' actions towards me, not because of my own emotional growth and well-being.  i understand what she's suggesting, but i don't really believe that's the way for me to go.  an example is that she brought up the idea that when my doll went missing, i would be furious.  that idea of me getting mad about it never crossed my mind, and i still can't acclimate that emotion w/ that incident. 

i think anger was already mostly dead inside me by that age.  i remember feeling a moment of panic when i discovered her missing, which i quickly dispelled by making up a story about where she'd gone and why (the fairy king needed her).  i also think this incident added to the accumulation of sadness i carried in my eyes most all my life (even my mex. hub told me about seeing it there and mentioned something years later about how it wasn't as prevalent anymore).

so, i want to continue this w/ getting the help and support from the grownups surrounding me, rather than me taking on the role of self-advocacy.  i need them to be there for me. to nurture me into a more whole version of myself.  living as a piecemeal entity did not serve me well in many ways.  thank god i was able to mobilize the pieces i had and rely on this neverending spirit of mine to accomplish a lot and live a great life. 

paul72

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 07, 2022, 04:12:51 PM
thank god i was able to mobilize the pieces i had and rely on this neverending spirit of mine to accomplish a lot and live a great life. 
those are some beautiful words sanmagic.  :hug:

I like the way you're looking at this, even if it's contrary to what your T is suggesting. It's a real perspective changer and I wish you continued success with this.
It's funny I look at all the ways I can't heal my own wounds, yet marvel with my W about how our parenting approaches (vs our FOOs) are having such different (hopefully positive) impacts on our children. We needed adults to nurture us and your method I think reenforces where the blame/change needs to be made.
I'm starting to see the real beauty in what you are doing. (I'm a little slow at seeing things sometimes)  :hug:
Thanks for sharing your work... it's a real gift 

Armee

I agree with you, San. The way I think about it is that by having your parents redo these events in your head you are kind of remodeling your brain using neuroplasticity and making it almost as if those things happened...that your brain was properly nurtured and formed. And each time you encounter new memories you now in part have the brain of someone who had been adequately parented and loved while you redo the next set of memories and incidents. You are actually building a healthier brain by so vividly imagining these events until you get them to feel right. 

Whatever it is, it is genius! And it seems to be unlocking some joy for you too.

The lack of anger is weird huh? Me, too.

sanmagic7

phil, thank you for your kind sentiments and words.  i really appreciate your support for what i'm doing. :hug:

armee, the term 'neuroplasticity' rang a bell in my head.  a great theory - i'm hoping that's exactly what's happening.  these wounds needed mending by those who caused them, to my mind, and when i retrace these instances as they've been re-worked, they are standing solid.  i can see me smiling, laughing, and feeling different, can see concern in my parents' faces, and feel warmth from them.  it's truly different from what i experienced, so maybe you are absolutely correct - the pathways are being remade and the healing is able to happen.  it's a good feeling, for sure.  thanks. :hug:

the last few days i've been feeling so low energy, downright crappy, and out of sorts.  food/eating is all out of whack.  barely getting by w/ necessary things to be done - shower, dishes, etc.  i don't have enough right now to give to others except for what i've written here.  my eye gave me problems yesterday, so i was in pain most of the day.  i was doing everything i've been told, and it still happened. 

my spirit feels weary.  it's getting more and more difficult to pull myself up after something like that.  kind of scary.