looking for relief

[CrackedIce]

Hi San!

I just wanted to touch back on what you wrote a few days ago.  I've read in a few books now that emotional abuse is as bad, if not worse, than other form of abuse towards children.  Pain, threat, violation are all terrible and damaging and unthinkable and should never exist in this world, but the damage caused when your parents - the main people who you're supposed to be able to look to for support, reassurance, guidance, validation - deny you those critical foundational aspects is quite literally ground-shattering for our psyches.  The mental backflips we had to do as children just to reconcile their actions and get through our days was staggering, and explain a lot of what we're dealing with now.  Studies have shown that children go through trauma, but then have someone they can grieve with and help them process afterwards, generally come out the other side unscathed.  We didn't have that, and we're paying for it now.

Luckily, we all have each other on here 

Hope you have a wonderful week

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry san I haven't been on your Journal much, kind of a lot going on in my world rn but I am aware you are doing tons of work.

...about you telling your T you felt confused about the level of traumatization in the absence of overt physical or sexual abuse. I know you know this but it's hard to accept for ourselves. The insidious sometimes subtle psychological abuse and emotional abuse is what causes the most damage. It is fully pervasive and shaped us. It shaped our brains and nervous systems and it was every single moment of every day. Right now what I'm working through is the damage of an overt act but underlying that...the reason it happened, the reasons it is so painful to treat and process has almost nothing to do with that overt assault and almost everything to do with the twisted mess my parents made of my brain.

Also a comment on letters to / communications with inner children: I can't promise "I'll always be there for you" because based on past experience I don't always manage. My T suggested that my inner c's might not even need that. The last one who popped up just needed to be told that it was OK to have feelings and that her feelings were OK, and then be asked if she needed anything. She wanted to come and sit on my lap, where I held her, and then she fell asleep. Some of the work on inner children is maybe a little prescriptive? Just because it worked for the authors of the most commonly read books on inner children and possibly works for 95% of readers doesn't mean it's the right thing for all of us. As with all therapy methods, adapt and change for client and self is the order of the day. 

[Snowdrop]

Some of the work on inner children is maybe a little prescriptive? Just because it worked for the authors of the most commonly read books on inner children and possibly works for 95% of readers doesn't mean it's the right thing for all of us. As with all therapy methods, adapt and change for client and self is the order of the day. 

I completely agree with Blueberry. I think cptsd is a definite factor with this as well, and if things need to be adapted and changed as a result, that's perfectly fine.

[Armee]

 

I completely agree with BB and Snowdrop. Especially where there are dissociative parts I don't think it fits well as a prescriptive approach, though used flexibly it probably has value. I don't even have a sense of an inner child, let alone the professional scientist I was not long ago.

But mostly just sending along hugs and a flashlight and warm blanket to the dark place all of us fall into. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, PC, crackedice, blueberry, snowdrop, and an extra armee - thank you all for your care and kindness.

i've been such a wreck lately i haven't been able to come here.  again about D1 - 8th anniversary yesterday of NC -, my ex's b-day today,  financial stability worries, my D lost her second appeal for disability, i've never felt fear of this nature before even tho i've done a lot more w/ a lot less, but now i have to be here for my D, too. 

had therapy today, we flashed on what i was feeling like - the mime in the glass box.  i could see everything that was happening around me but felt trapped, no way out, couldn't help or do anything about it - but i had to stop.  during flashing i saw myself look thru the glass and curl up in a corner wanting to die.  i told my T i didn't have enough strength anymore to shatter the glass and get out.

i'm a wreck.  just staying alive day to day.

[Armee]

Oh, San. That trapped helpless feeling is the worst and you have too big a pile-on right now. I think I'd just want to curl up in a ball and ignore it all for awhile too. It's very hard to be ok when our kids are not OK and you have the reminder of this painful D1 anniversary colliding with difficult news for D2. I'm so sorry she lost that appeal. It's devastating and we are failing her and you as a society. I am so sorry. You deserve better. You have given and given.

Excuse me a moment, I'm going to bend down and pick up this rock. I think I could smash that glass if you want to be free. You could curl up in a ball covered in a mound of soft blankets in the warm sun until you can stand and walk away. But at least you wouldn't be trapped. I'll be here and can bust you out. But for now maybe that glass is keeping you safe and protected so I'm just going to press my hand up against it. You'll see the little condensation mark of my hand and know you aren't alone. And you'll know I know you are trying so hard to feel better and to be free of this pain, and that's what you are doing in there, in a little protective bubble. Waiting a little. Sending hugs and love and a pillow for your head. 

[Papa Coco]

San,

I'm so touched by the stress levels you're in. I want to let you know I hurt a little with you because I know some of the pain your in, so by the empathy that we feel with each other, I'm connected to you and wish I could give you a realtime hug.

Our son1 has gone NC with us, and it hurts me, the dad, but it hurts my wife, his mom, so much more profoundly. A mother has a deeper connection to the children. Seeing the pain in her eyes hurts me more than what he's done to me personally.

I'm glad you had a therapy appointment yesterday. I know that, for me, these anniversaries of past tragedies are deeper pains than the financial woes of today. I hope that as the anniversaries start to slide into the past that you are able to better handle the stressors of today.

I'll stand with Armee and offer a big virtual hug. I'm no stranger to what you're feeling right now, so this hug has some real empathetic emotion in it.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, dear San- That's a lot to pile on all at once. I'm putting a handprint on the glass too, waiting with a nice beverage and a blanket.

[rainydiary]

San, it's wild when so many things come at once and when that out of control feeling arises.  I am thinking of you.

[sanmagic7]

armee, CF, PC, and rainy, thank you for your support and validation. 

i wrote some thoughts down in the creative section last nite, had to get them out of me, my mind was ready to burst, but what came out was that i'm afraid of breaking that glass box surrounding me cuz i'm scared the shards of reality will slash me to ribbons and i'll be worse off than if i just stay there in my little ball, arms around my knees,   

i wish i could do more.  a lot of this is also worrying about my D, things she's got going on that haven't happened yet that we wish would happen.  it's all too much right now.

[Armee]

It's OK to stay in there for now. I'm realizing how important it is to calm down our nervous system when things are feeling haywire. We need a rest and reset sometimes. Take your time. You'll come out stronger when it is time.

[Snowdrop]

You're safe, San. I have blanket of care to put round your shoulders.

[Blueberry]

It's OK to stay in there for now. I'm realizing how important it is to calm down our nervous system when things are feeling haywire. We need a rest and reset sometimes. Take your time. You'll come out stronger when it is time.

  It sounds as if some part of you really knows what you need atm  around the glass cuz maybe even the hug is too much, could be? Maybe EMS is in there with you though? Or your glass box with you in it is out on our Healing Porch?

[rainydiary]

Here to offer care.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, blueberry, snowdrop and armee, your care is being absorbed like a sponge.  thank you.

last nite i nearly came here to write 'i need to be strong' over and over, a million times over.  it's the only thing on my mind now.