[Snowdrop]

We've got you, dear San.
 

[sanmagic7]

so grateful, snowdrop.  you all are helping keep that string from breaking.

[Blueberry]

We've got you, even if you don't manage to stay strong the whole time. You can rest, too. And feel weak. We're here. 

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san. We're here for you, strong or not, it's okay. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, notalone, CF, i so appreciate your support and hugs.  they help me to hang on.   

i feel stiff and ramrod straight, too afraid to let any guard down. i have to stay strong.  it was so much easier in the past.  now it's an effort and i'm afraid.  i don't like feeling afraid. i'm wrapping my arms tightly around me so nothing gets loose.

[Armee]

 

(((((((((((San)))))))))))

Ramrod straight sounds painful. And I know exactly what you are talking about. Trust your inner knowledge. If it's too painful to relax into it then don't. Eventually you'll be able to let one shoulder down and then another and slowly titrate the experience that you are holding at bay, one muscle at a time. Maybe it'll take weeks. I'd say that's ok, but it's not because I can see how much pain you are in, but it takes what it takes. I'm sorry you are afraid and in pain.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
You are such a lovely person, and I can feel your need to be strong and your fear that if you're not strong, that it won't be good.  But honestly, I think you ARE strong in so many ways, and I hope that you'll feel safer, and that a protective bubble can keep you protected somehow.  I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I feel like my words are running away from me, and I'm not making sense.  The urge to delete is strong, but I won't.  I want to send you a big hug of protective support and hope that you feel your strength, because I know it's there, I've seen it in you many times here in this forum and feel it strongly. 

 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

armee, you know i love what you say to me.  thank you.

hope, your words made perfect sense - thanks for not deleting them.

the glass shattered today.  it was all about my D1, 20 yrs. of torture, too many emotions to grasp, and the shards caused such deep pain i can hardly bear it.  the past few nites i'd had dreams about being very mad at my D who was being unusually stubborn, resistant, and disrespectful, and about having to move to a new place to live.

i've transferred other people to take the place of D1 in dreams before, and i knew that's what was happening in these.  i woke up early this morning, couldn't get back to sleep, and my thoughts went straight to her, wondering if, as her mom, i should reach out one more time.  i knew in my head it was a bad idea, but my heart hurt for her, the pain she's been in so much of her life, and i finally broke down, asked my D to tell me it wouldn't make a difference.

she was forceful in her answer - absolutely not.  she reassured me that D1 is continuing doing the same things all this time, including looking for and unwisely spending money, and switching therapists each time one tells her something she doesn't want to hear.  she's been doing that since her teens.

yeah, i'm strong, hope, but this relationship w/ D1 has come the closest to breaking me more than once.  i ran to mex. for my life and sanity becuz of the situation w/ her, (and w/ my ex), and she tortured me over and over w/ her years of silence - always at her discretion - or her hurtful, painful, mean and nasty things she'd say and do to me, even while i'd be in the midst of helping her w/ her problems, what a horrible mother i am to both her and her sister, how it's my fault that my D is in denial, and vile name-calling..  i've almost lost my life twice because of her, and the only thing keeping me alive now is my DD, who has shown me a different way to have a daughter.

i'm in so much pain, so depressed, so down, so lacking energy.  i'm staying alive, and that feels like a mighty big accomplishment right now. thanks to everyone who has helped me here. wish i had enough in me to respond to others. grateful i have therapy tomorrow.

[Armee]

 

I'm glad you are here San. 

As devastating as it is when it is as important a relationship as a mother to daughter, some people are simply too ill to be in relation with.

[sanmagic7]

dear armee, just the right words again.  it really helped.  thank you.   

finally seeing a bit of sun thru the clouds and thunderstorms of my mind the past few . . . days? weeks? a month?  anyway, i wrote in a few journals, then just ran out of steam!  but i want to relay a little of what happened in therapy.

as i was talking about some of the 30-yr. long D1 stuff to my T (which also includes my ex for 40 yrs.  and icky L during the same time period for about 8 yrs), several times my T mentioned she didn't know how i've survived it all.  i said that i just kept doing what needed to be done.  i mentioned that my D's book will be ready for editing/proofreading soon (my job) and that i was nervous that my mind won't be right enough to catch and change mistakes.  my T replied 'well, it's a do what you can type of situation, isn't it?'

i said 'no.  i have to do it. (we don't have the money to hire someone else).  this has been the story of my life - i've been consistently in such situations of can/can't and i didn't let it apply to me until lately.  something like this, i shouldered the burden and just did it.  someone once told me i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse.

i also said at one point, after i told her my D1 has tortured me for 30 or so years that sometimes i think i'm being dramatic or it really wasn't that bad (to use such a word as torture), and she quietly said, 'those sound like the words of your father.'  light bulb moment.  so that's where the ICr comes from!  it made total sense, i could hear it as if coming from him.  'don't be so . . .' or 'it's all in your mind' or 'what are you making such a big fuss about?'  those kinds of put downs of my 'self'.  it's come at me in so many different kinds of ways.

still, as i told her, i am so very tired of feeling miserable.  struggling thru these days lately has been more and more difficult.  thank the stars for all of you - it so helped to come here and see hugs and words of support and validation.  thank you all.

[Armee]

 

It's winter too. Make it through the winter and maybe things will be just a little less awful.

[CrackedIce]

Hey San!

It's crazy how much the negative people in our younger lives somehow make it into our head and pop up at the worst times.  When spending time with my 'inner self' my inner critic showed up something fierce, and after writing it down I realized the same thing your therapist pointed out - I was parroting the terrible thoughts and feelings and phrases my parents used, against my inner self!  That realization is huge.

Hope you have a good week!

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, actually, no matter what the season i'd like to see things as being a little less awful.  where i live winter hasn't been so much a factor as summer has to my sense of well-being.  thank you so for your support.

Hi, C,  such a realization is definitely huge.  i'm glad you found that for yourself.

i'm skating on thin ice, but still on my skates.

[Armee]

Oh that's right. I forgot how much of a trigger heat is for you! And yes. It should be more than just a little less awful. You've certainly worked hard enough that you deserve nonstop euphoria honestly, not that that is ever practical but you certainly have put in enough work to surely have earned consistent inner peace. What the heck universe??? Give San a break already!