armee, you know i love what you say to me. thank you.

hope, your words made perfect sense - thanks for not deleting them.

the glass shattered today. it was all about my D1, 20 yrs. of torture, too many emotions to grasp, and the shards caused such deep pain i can hardly bear it. the past few nites i'd had dreams about being very mad at my D who was being unusually stubborn, resistant, and disrespectful, and about having to move to a new place to live.
i've transferred other people to take the place of D1 in dreams before, and i knew that's what was happening in these. i woke up early this morning, couldn't get back to sleep, and my thoughts went straight to her, wondering if, as her mom, i should reach out one more time. i knew in my head it was a bad idea, but my heart hurt for her, the pain she's been in so much of her life, and i finally broke down, asked my D to tell me it wouldn't make a difference.
she was forceful in her answer - absolutely not. she reassured me that D1 is continuing doing the same things all this time, including looking for and unwisely spending money, and switching therapists each time one tells her something she doesn't want to hear. she's been doing that since her teens.
yeah, i'm strong, hope, but this relationship w/ D1 has come the closest to breaking me more than once. i ran to mex. for my life and sanity becuz of the situation w/ her, (and w/ my ex), and she tortured me over and over w/ her years of silence - always at her discretion - or her hurtful, painful, mean and nasty things she'd say and do to me, even while i'd be in the midst of helping her w/ her problems, what a horrible mother i am to both her and her sister, how it's my fault that my D is in denial, and vile name-calling.. i've almost lost my life twice because of her, and the only thing keeping me alive now is my DD, who has shown me a different way to have a daughter.
i'm in so much pain, so depressed, so down, so lacking energy. i'm staying alive, and that feels like a mighty big accomplishment right now. thanks to everyone who has helped me here. wish i had enough in me to respond to others. grateful i have therapy tomorrow.