looking for relief

[sanmagic7]

i can't put into words how much everyone's support for me w/ this stuff meant to me.

notalone, i'm glad you took care of yourself by not reading it.  thank you so for your support and care. 

blueberry, i'm glad you took care of yourself, also.  thank you for giving my words back to me.  i would've never remembered them otherwise.  thanks for being with me.

rainy, when you wrote 'heaviness', it dawned on me just how heavy that burden was.  it's really no wonder, looking at it thru your words, that i broke.  thank you so much for that perspective.

armee, as always, you went to the heart of it. i thought of your words many times last nite, over and over, until i could get out of the 'but as their mother, it was my job to protect them' loop.  unfortunately, it was his job to protect them as well. yeah, wearing the other person down and eventually out is part of their process.  thank you again for your wisdom and support.

PC, your words brought tears to my eyes.  you hit something in me when you said he was a monster.  thank you for that.  it allowed some release that's part of my grieving, and it also showed me someone else's anger, which i so appreciate. 

bad nite last nite, couldn't get to sleep till nearly 4.  this stuff is so very disturbing.  putting names and descriptions to what happened, to him and his behaviors makes things much more solid for me,  i don't have an easy time calling things as they are - always feel i'm being dramatic - so it's very validating when others can do it for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate that.

once again, this place, you people, have helped me stay sane and let me know someone's got my back.  i've never had that in my life, except in possible spits and spurts (like hub1 sticking up for me when i was trying to get into college when i'd just moved to a new state).  even something like that felt so meaningful, i've kept it in my memory bank all these years. 

i'm going to keep processing this, and your words will help w/ that, cuz i'll be able to read them over and over.  at times like this, noting the impact others' words make on me, leads me to believe i'm still not fully formed, that i still need to help w/ my own definition of self thru the thoughts and feelings of others.  like my D, you help define me for me.  i cannot tell you how immeasurably grateful i am for that.

i know i'm rambling - there's so much going on inside me, so much gratitude, so much grief, so much realization - and i just made a frowny face at that last word.  realizing this stuff for what it actually was is a whole 'nother step.  i am sad for myself to the depths of my being.

[Blueberry]

Sending love and gentle but firm hugs. You are NOT responsible for how he behaved. HE is responsible. You tried. You tried you tried you tried. Yes he wore you down. It's part of the process they use. I'm sorry you suffered so much with him. It is abuse what you went through, dear San and I am so sorry for that.  and 

Apt words from Armee. Good to repeat, I think.

[rainydiary]

i don't have an easy time calling things as they are - always feel i'm being dramatic - so it's very validating when others can do it for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate that.

I resonate with this and with how others in my life perceive my responses, reactions, etc.  I am grateful for our interdependence and how that can be supportive.  I hope a bit more sleep or rest comes tonight.

[sanmagic7]

yep, blueberry, it was good to hear those words again.  thank you.

rainy, i'm grateful for the support also.  last nite's sleep was very good, thank you.

thinking over my past 2 posts, i feel like i was nearly hysterical, manic, hyper.  just pouring out the crapola makes me a little woozy.  i let it be, don't delete or edit, but i can tell the state of mind i was in only after the fact.  i feel calmer today and slept well last nite.  that always feels good. 

putting names to things makes them more concrete in my mind.  at the same time it feels scary somehow.  speaking the reality of situations and incidents, especially about my ex, sometimes feels like it's violating the husband-wife confidentiality code.  like i'm betraying him.  it's not so much now as when i first began putting these cards on the table, but i can still feel a little flutter of nervousness or anxiety when i call him out on his crapola here.

it's something i've pushed aside because i'm tired of living w/ his 'nice guy' image when it comes to him being a husband or father.  thankfully, i have had a couple girlfriends (down to 1 now) who know my truth, and my mex. hub, and they've been appropriately supportive.  letting those words out for the first time many years ago was a leap of faith.

looking back at my former 2 posts, that feeling still hasn't completely resolved.  maybe someday.  for now, getting used to the reality, putting names to things is enough of a leap.  it's difficult but not impossible.  and, actually, i feel more at peace about it after writing it here and getting such genuine responses from people.  i think that's a good thing to remember when we're feeling worthless (me included) is how much positive support and genuine care we've handed out to others like us.  isn't that something of worth? 

my gut reacted to that.  difficult, it seems.  it's like my T mind just gave me an assignment.  lol!  we'll see what happens.  ok, it just clicked for me - this is for when i'm feeling like i wasn't a good mother.  i've got to remember the positives, what i actually did w/ my girls that was pos.  i hear stuff from my D all the time about what i taught her, how i've been supporting her, how much i've changed for the better (which is something she admires in a person).  whew!  i feel myself being built up again.  nice.

[Armee]

 

[Papa Coco]

San,

I'm glad the responses from the kind people on this forum were helpful. I truly believe we are all stronger together.

I have one thought about your last comment about how you sometimes worry you weren't a good mother. Only a good mother would ask herself that question. Bad mothers, bad people in general, never question themselves. They blame all problems on someone else. So, asking yourself if you were a good mother is, for me, a sign that you were, in fact, a very good mother.

In fact, beyond mothering, being willing to ask yourself if you are good shows me that you're a good person all the way around.

[Armee]

 

Naming things is really important, and in my experience the hardest part. Because it involves seeing things how they really were, not what we told ourselves to get through it. I shudder to imagine what you went through with that man. You were strong to keep it together and you are strong to shed some of that strength and let the gravity run through you. Little by little, let it drizzle out. There's an end to it, somewhere. I'm sorry I couldn't say more sooner. I deleted a lot of posts the other day. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks so much for that big hug!  beautiful!  and may i say you never have to apologize for what you've written or not written - i know your heart is with me.  i value you and your unending support. 

PC, i can't say how many times i've said nearly those exact same words to people, but it was wonderful to hear it for me from someone else.  thank you so much for that.  and thank you for your kind words about me.  it brought a smile to my face.

i'm going thru a series of brain blocks lately, which is not something i've experienced before.  i've forgotten words in the past, but this is different.  i'm saying a sentence, know which word is supposed to come next, but it's like a big block of ice suddenly shows itself and blocks that word from coming out.  it's the strangest feeling.  i don't like it - it feels like a new symptom of this trauma beast, a new toll on my mind which has been taken.  it scares me.

i'm quite panicky about it inside, let something slip to my D last nite after it happened again.  her mind hasn't been working all the time either lately due to stress, so she sloughed it off as something we both do, and she's not concerned.  the fact that this is a new thing for me is what worries me, but i didn't go into it.  she can't take care of me if i become infirm, and has told me she'd put me in a nice home if it ever got that bad.  so, i've got that hanging over me, sitting in its own little alcove in some corner of my brain for the past several years.

w/ my T yesterday, i spoke about having a rough time lately w/ pain/hurt coming up for me, especially during certain scenes in tv shows we watch.  the idea that i'm carrying all my pain is not new, but the feeling of it, the realization of how hurt i've been by how many people so many times is very new, and it sucks.  i see someone in a scene putting themselves out for someone else, and i can go straight to sobbing.  one good thing is that i can now direct it to myself and my experiences.

actually feeling the pain and the hurt (probably exacerbated by years of abuse heaped upon them in so many different ways) is nearly overwhelming, tho.  and i can barely function for a while afterwards, can't enjoy the show, can only work and struggle to get myself back together. all this has put me on overload, lots of anxiety, disossiation,  (here's an example - i can't remember how to spell this word, and i've tried 3 different ways) and just being in pain, heart aching, so much . . .

when i told my T about it, she suggested we do some emdr to tell my brain it's ok to open up, let this stuff out.  i immediately stiffened up, full body like a board, my head thrown back onto the back of my chair, my hips raised off the seat, my legs like planks.  i just started yelling 'no  no no'.  she immediately backed off, but it's given me the idea that my brain cannot be broken open like that but an outside force - it's breaking on its own and anything more would send me somewhere i don't want to think about.

we also talked about my lack of anger.  my D mentioned about couples fighting (we were watching a scene of this), how she's said things in anger just to hurt the other person, and i told her i really never had that experience.  she was pretty shocked.  i said i didn't get angry in that way, just absorbed, was patent and tolerant with/of other people's anger, so i never really had fights unless something boiled over and the pressure cooker blew open.

still, my being angry w/ someone and letting them know has usually ended up with me getting hurt very badly.  one exchange i told her about w/ hub#1 - i was mad about how he'd been treating me, said so, that 'you're treating me like ****' and he responded 'that's cuz you are' and walked away.  another, more recent relationship saw the same thing - i got angry about something, wrote it all down in a benign way, and the guy ended up deleting all my contacts, wouldn't answer my calls, left me wondering what the frick happened.  this has been most of my experience when i've gotten angry.  so i stopped.  plus, i've recently realized how very scared of my ex i was, cuz i'd seen the black rage enter his eyes if i expressed some kind of disapproval or asked a question too close to his nerve.

my T has been saying over the past several sessions how much abuse there's been, how many layers from so many different people, gender not mattering, relationship not mattering, family, friend, professional . . . and i'm opening up this can of worms and leeches and it's getting more difficult to deal w/ it from one day to the next.  keeping it all inside didn't work, either.  staying sane is my goal now, making it to tomorrow and waking up sane.  it's so frightening.

[Armee]

 

Hi San. It was a lot of abuse. Too much. What he said to you made my blood run cold, even many years and miles away.

I can't imagine how very terrifying it must feel to be inching closer to a time when independent living is a question.

I want to offer a potential slice of reassurance or maybe more like hope. At the very worst period of my triggering, during my mom's steep decline, I appeared to be in the throes of dementia in my early 40s. I really worried it was permanent. I went to the doctor I was so concerned.

There were times I put a kettle of water on the stove without any awareness and came back to the kitchen and wondered who in my house possibly would have started tea water. Certainly not me, as I stood with a fresh cup of coffee. Spoiler: It was me. Or when I could not find my way to the freeway entrance I had used for 20 years multiple times a week. Or the time I kept trying to say "french bread" but would say "french fries" instead but would not hear myself say the wrong thing. I would even slow down and intentionally say the right word very carefully only to be told I was still saying the wrong word, even though I was trying to say the right word and hearing the right word come out. It was scary and disturbing and I can't imagine how much more with worries of aging and living situations closer at hand.

But I did ease out of it as the stress subsided and sleep became just a little better.

I relate a lot to what you describe with your T. I feel a bit better knowing I can ask myself to only let a little out at a time for processing. For me I was trying to do that yesterday as I had a lot of resistance to letting any painful body memories surface because I don't want to feel that. But we talked through how I can just ask for a little bit to come through so I can process it just a little at a time. I don't need to let it all be there at once to process. Perhaps the same concept is there for you too. I know you already do this actually. But it was helpful for me to hear someone else say it. I had kind of forgotten it can work like that. I don't need to let it all rip through.



I want so much for there to be relief for you soon.

[rainydiary]

I appreciated the image of our brains not wanting to be cracked open but to open in their own time.  I hope you continue to go at your own speed.  I'm also sorry about the word finding differences/blocks you are noticing.  I hope you find solutions or information about that is supportive.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks so much for your experiences w/ this word selection thing.  so, yeah, stress - it's a miracle worker, isn't it, altho not in a pos. way.  and i appreciate the idea of asking my brain to only let out a little at a time.  reading that seemed to ping! in my mind, as if it would be doable.  i reacted so violently at the idea of stuff all coming out at once, i don't know if maybe that's not what my T said at all.  maybe she was saying what you're talking about.  anyway, i'll talk to her about it tomorrow.  thank you so.

hey, rainy, thanks for the encouragement about my own speed.  it helps reinforce that perspective for me.

well, another stressor got added to the mix yesterday - our rent is getting raised by over $100/mo. starting in june.  my D hasn't 'worked' in over a year, at least not on other's books, but she got some money from an investor that she's hoping, along w/ my retirement money, will fly our status as renters over the requirements needed.  but it's iffy, so we're on pins and noodles here.

hopefully, we'll be able to work the farmers markets and sell our books there, make some money that way.  i can proofread for people if there would be anyone who needs that service, but the question is how to get clients.  i have no connections, no social media, nothing reaching out to the outside world.  so, that's a bit of a stumbling block.  she's also going to see if she can get hired as a delivery service person, which wouldn't be too bad.  we'll see.

just one more rock on the pile that's slowly engulfing me.  when i heard about the rent, i immediately thought of running to mexico.  at least we wouldn't be homeless.  but, we can't move - we don't have the money for it, nor the energy.  i can only hope our angels are clicking into high gear.  all i could think yesterday is 'this is so unfair!  we're good people, we play by the rules, why is this happening to us?!'  i'm not usually an 'it's not fair' type of person, but this sent me into that space and it feels yucky.

i don't want to move, don't want to go thru the process of finding a place, can't even imagine doing it.  i got very 'hard' yesterday, like i could take this on, so i'm letting myself be soft here, but it's going to take some hardness to get thru this and i don't know how long i can keep that up w/o breaking under the strain.  i hate this crapola!!!

[Armee]

 

It's not fair.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  just right. 

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sorry your rent is being raised. I hope you can find a way to stay. It's lousy that is happening.

You are going through so much. Sending love and hugs to you. 

[Blueberry]

Sending support, san