armee, thanks so much for that big hug! beautiful! and may i say you never have to apologize for what you've written or not written - i know your heart is with me. i value you and your unending support.

PC, i can't say how many times i've said nearly those exact same words to people, but it was wonderful to hear it for me from someone else. thank you so much for that. and thank you for your kind words about me. it brought a smile to my face.

i'm going thru a series of brain blocks lately, which is not something i've experienced before. i've forgotten words in the past, but this is different. i'm saying a sentence, know which word is supposed to come next, but it's like a big block of ice suddenly shows itself and blocks that word from coming out. it's the strangest feeling. i don't like it - it feels like a new symptom of this trauma beast, a new toll on my mind which has been taken. it scares me.
i'm quite panicky about it inside, let something slip to my D last nite after it happened again. her mind hasn't been working all the time either lately due to stress, so she sloughed it off as something we both do, and she's not concerned. the fact that this is a new thing for me is what worries me, but i didn't go into it. she can't take care of me if i become infirm, and has told me she'd put me in a nice home if it ever got that bad. so, i've got that hanging over me, sitting in its own little alcove in some corner of my brain for the past several years.
w/ my T yesterday, i spoke about having a rough time lately w/ pain/hurt coming up for me, especially during certain scenes in tv shows we watch. the idea that i'm carrying all my pain is not new, but the feeling of it, the realization of how hurt i've been by how many people so many times is very new, and it sucks. i see someone in a scene putting themselves out for someone else, and i can go straight to sobbing. one good thing is that i can now direct it to myself and my experiences.
actually feeling the pain and the hurt (probably exacerbated by years of abuse heaped upon them in so many different ways) is nearly overwhelming, tho. and i can barely function for a while afterwards, can't enjoy the show, can only work and struggle to get myself back together. all this has put me on overload, lots of anxiety, disossiation, (here's an example - i can't remember how to spell this word, and i've tried 3 different ways) and just being in pain, heart aching, so much . . .
when i told my T about it, she suggested we do some emdr to tell my brain it's ok to open up, let this stuff out. i immediately stiffened up, full body like a board, my head thrown back onto the back of my chair, my hips raised off the seat, my legs like planks. i just started yelling 'no no no'. she immediately backed off, but it's given me the idea that my brain cannot be broken open like that but an outside force - it's breaking on its own and anything more would send me somewhere i don't want to think about.
we also talked about my lack of anger. my D mentioned about couples fighting (we were watching a scene of this), how she's said things in anger just to hurt the other person, and i told her i really never had that experience. she was pretty shocked. i said i didn't get angry in that way, just absorbed, was patent and tolerant with/of other people's anger, so i never really had fights unless something boiled over and the pressure cooker blew open.
still, my being angry w/ someone and letting them know has usually ended up with me getting hurt very badly. one exchange i told her about w/ hub#1 - i was mad about how he'd been treating me, said so, that 'you're treating me like ****' and he responded 'that's cuz you are' and walked away. another, more recent relationship saw the same thing - i got angry about something, wrote it all down in a benign way, and the guy ended up deleting all my contacts, wouldn't answer my calls, left me wondering what the frick happened. this has been most of my experience when i've gotten angry. so i stopped. plus, i've recently realized how very scared of my ex i was, cuz i'd seen the black rage enter his eyes if i expressed some kind of disapproval or asked a question too close to his nerve.
my T has been saying over the past several sessions how much abuse there's been, how many layers from so many different people, gender not mattering, relationship not mattering, family, friend, professional . . . and i'm opening up this can of worms and leeches and it's getting more difficult to deal w/ it from one day to the next. keeping it all inside didn't work, either. staying sane is my goal now, making it to tomorrow and waking up sane. it's so frightening.