Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

i hope water aerobics was a 'happening' for you, PC.  it sounds like it could be enjoyable.

not doing for ourselves seems to be a mainstay around here - when we've been indoctrinated to do things a certain way for a certain reason to please a certain someone else, well, that's a tough training/brainwashing to break thru.  i hope you can be patient w/ yourself as you continue to work w/ your inner selves - your day for you will come, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Armee, Master of my Sea, and San,

So far the water aerobics are still in the future. On Tuesday I was successfully pushing myself toward going. I was reciting "Courage is to push on even when I don't want to." I was forcing myself up and out. I found my swimsuit and discovered I haven't worn it since I weighed 40 pounds less than I do now. I live in a community with no shopping. It would be an hour drive to get to a walmart (and I HATE walmarts) so I went onto Amazon and ordered one. It showed up yesterday. Water Aerobics starts in 20 minutes and now I'm using the excuse that I haven't put together a gym bag yet. No lock for my locker. No soap, shampoo and deodorant. Gee. I can't go today, now can I?  Oh. Too bad. Who could have seen this excuse coming? lol.

But maybe I can spend a few minutes today putting together a gym bag so that TOMORROW I can finally venture out to water aerobics. Remove the excuses!  Maybe tomorrow, courage will be enough to push me toward the pool.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about this experience- I've been putting off joining a virtual meeting for months because of a million things.  I hope that you find a way past the hold ups to see if the experience of water aerobics is worth while. 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Thursday, November 03, 2022

I jokingly tell people that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The longest distance between two points is to ask me for directions.

Complexity: Why do I make my own life so complicated? I live most every day feeling overwhelmed by a mountain of chores, projects and responsibilities, many of which I put onto myself.

I also overthink everything. I suffer with analysis-paralysis by discovering too many problems to overcome in order to allow myself to enjoy any given day or activity.

More often than not, I do this to myself!

Theory: It's sad and funny at the same time. I often feel like I grew up as a pawn in an evil chess game. Everything I ever said, did, wanted, or asked for, was met with so much opposition that I learned young (as many Catholic children do), that if I am going to say something, I'd better prepare myself for the rapid responses and insults by my own team. I have to be ready for any criticism I might receive as punishment for thinking for myself. So, like in chess, every move I make has to be strategically thought out. I need to anticipate my opponents' moves because as sure as rain in Seattle, I will be argued with for having said anything at all. I grew up knowing my opponents ARE going to attack, so I needed to be ready.

It's very sad that so many of us have to think of our own families as our opponents, but...well...that's why OOTS exists and that's why we all joined. We were all treated this way by someone and now we are stuck with the mess to clean up on our own. Thank goodness we have each other on this forum. We finally have friends who are on our side!

I need to sell a house. My retirement planning was destroyed by my employer forcing me to retire 5 years before I'd planned to. My wife and I want to live at the beach full time. But our kids bought a house and got jobs near our city house, and we can't bear to live too far away from them. They are the only family either of us still have in our lives. But when I try to decide which house to sell, I can't get through all the complexity over the fact that we want one of them and need the other. We've wanted to live on this beach our entire lives. I'm not ready to give that up just before we finally accomplish it. But Coco can't quit her job now, because she makes the mortgage payments on the beach.

I've turned this living situation into a completely unsolvable problem. It's a catch 22. Oh, and BTW, I live in Catch 22s. I'm always caught in my own trap of complexity. If I make a decision, and ANYTHING at all goes wrong with that later, I punish myself for not having made the right decision in the first place. So, the next decision is even more difficult because I anticipate, and feel like I need to prepare for, any mistakes I might have forgotten to consider beforehand.

Finally believe that I do this to myself as a part of C-PTSD and I'm sick of it and I want to find my way into a simpler life so I can relax (if relaxation ever becomes possible for me, that is).

[Armee]

Baby steps to get to water aerobics is just fine. 

As always I relate to everything you've said, especially living in catch 22s and being prepared to accept all blame for any piece that goes ssideways. I'm sorry you feel like you have to choose between houses prematurely. I don't suppose renting the beach house out until Coco can leave her job is an option?

[Papa Coco]

Hi Armee

A lot of people have tried to talk me into renting out one of the houses, or even dividing the City house into 2 or 3 living areas and renting parts of it out. It's a strong solution, but it's a very frightening one. I have very little ability to confront, so if I get renters that destroy the house, or refuse to pay rent, I'll go into my trauma place and maybe never come out. Coco and I both have no constitutional ability to handle less than stellar renters.

However, reality is I can't keep living like I can afford two houses. I'll end up losing both if I don't give up one. OR unless I decide to risk becoming a landlord. I live in Seattle where honest people have no rights. In Seattle ONLY criminals have rights. It's legal in Seattle to shoplift. Imagine the long road to insanity if I get a renter who moves in and then refuses to pay rent on the second month.

But as of today, I'm looking at my self-induced complication for the first time ever. Perhaps, if I'll dig deep enough, maybe I'll find the clear path out of my sense of being overwhelmed. I have this image that as soon as I am ready to simplify my inner world, my external world will automatically simplify itself in kind.

[Bach]

 

[Armee]

Yeah I feel the same way only difference is I have a hubby who is constitutionally able to deal with things like that. I will say only because hubby can handle this stuff we do rent out a house in a very liberal area using an agency and have had 0 problems for 5 years. It doesn't mean everyone is so lucky though. I myself could absolutely not rent a house out. These are risks I cannot take and I'm too much of a softy anyway. Perhaps selling and downgrading the city home would help. Who knows its all scary and sad and I wish you could keep both comfortably. 

[Master of my sea]

Papa Coco, you have described growing up as being like a pawn in an evil game of chess. Over complicating things could possibly come from this? Chess is a game of intelligence and thinking several moves ahead at all times and sometimes it can get challenging. I don't think it's surprising that it feels like this to you after a lifetime navigating the board.

I don't think it's you that has turned your living situation into an unsolvable problem. You being forced to retire 5 years early has over complicated things. You have had to alter plans to accommodate a situation that you weren't originally prepared for and are now dealing with the consequences of that.
I know how easy it is to say, but try and be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can and that, at the end of the day, is all anyone can ask of you 

I do hope you find a solution and it doesn't cause you too much stress. Sending hugs and support to you 

Well done on the small steps towards water aerobics. It's ok to ease yourself in bit by bit. No point in forcing it and making yourself uncomfortable. Some days are just not the day.
I am sure you will make it there  Be proud of yourself when you do.

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Monday, November 14, 2022

I'm changing. I'm not sure why. IFS might be strengthening my Core Self and giving me freedom from the antics of my protectors. Or Ketamine infusions are starting to re-wire my brain to feel more grounded and less traumatized. Or this forum is helping me air out the chambers of my brain that have been closed off for half a century. Or all of it together is making me feel different.

There was once an episode of The Simpsons where an ex-ray showed that Homer had a crayon from his childhood stuck up his nose, pushing in on his brain and making him stupid. When the doctor removed the ancient crayon, Homer became brilliant and grounded and kind and a good father and a good husband and a good employee, etc.  At the end of the episode, Homer wanted to be his old self again, so he jammed another crayon up his nose and became the ridiculous, selfish moron that he'd always been. 

Somehow, I feel like that crayon has been moved in my own brain and I'm starting to feel more grounded and less perpetually sad. I'm still struggling with my choices to isolate and live half of my life alone in a cabin, but I'm feeling a healthy loneliness for my wife and son and grandkids now. I'm packing up and planning to head back to the city on Saturday morning. I've been here for two solid months, but all of a sudden, I want to be reconnected with my wife and kids. It feels like healthy loneliness, rather than the type of horrific, deep, trauma-induced loneliness that comes from always feeling unwelcome on the earth, every second of my life, even while with friends and family.

A lot of people believe that the Pandemic gave us a wide-open view of how much mental illness is really present in the world. People were forced to isolate for months, even years, and found themselves face to face with their own lifelong battles. Last night, on Phil's suggestion, I watched a comedy routine on Netflix called Neal Brennan: Blocks. He was raised Catholic, like I was, and has lived his life feeling lonely and sad. He's done Ketamine Treatments, medications, therapy...all the things I've done. He is one who says COVID helped to expose the mental illnesses plaguing so many of us. My feeling, after watching him perform to millions of people, exposing his mental struggles, was that FINALLY the world is starting to hear the truth about what it feels like to be a traumatized adult. I think this is going to open up THOUSANDS of minds. I believe Mr. Brennan has probably turned on a lightbulb in the minds of scores of people who suffer as we do, or who love someone who suffers as we do. I can only imagine the fan letters he's getting.  I think this is a good, good thing.

I never did start water aerobics, and now my window is closing. The pool at the beach is low key. Never crowded. But the pool I live by in the city is so crowded you can't even get in it, so when I'm in the city, there are no water aerobics classes available to me. And I'm packing up and and getting ready to move back to the city.

What I DID succeed at is I DID build shelves in my garage this weekend. I was able to get so much stuff off the floor that I could get the Jeep into the garage and close the door. WooHOO!  I didn't do the aerobics, but I DID do a bunch of projects around the house and garage that have been needed to be done for a long time.  So I'm calling it a win.

Also; I'm finally becoming bored with my Jigsaw puzzles and Lego builds. For two years, I've been using jigsaw puzzles and Lego builds to distract myself and kill time. I isolate. I'm alone. No pets. No kids. Even my wife is 160 miles away. So if I can't make myself go outside, or to the pool, or start building the projects that need to be done to renovate this house, then I'm so bored I can't stand it. So I've become addicted to puzzles and Legos. But as of this past week...I'm getting bored with them. They serve no one. If I'm going to look for ways to distract myself from a lonely life, then I'm starting to want to use my time and skills and attention to do good outside of myself. I'm starting to think about maybe getting another job. I worked in aerospace for 42 years. I got laid off when COVID and the FAA made it so we couldn't build anymore planes for a while and my job got outsourced to the lowest bidder. I've been "retired" ever since. And now, for the first time in 2 years, I kind of want to get back out into the world and connect with people again. If I decide to go for it and find a job, it will have to be one that gives me social interaction. People to laugh with. People to talk to. People to work with and share goals and interests.  THIS IS ALL NEW. It's been coming on fast over the last few days. My big question for now is: Is this the start of a new and permanent trend, or just a temporary vacation from the loneliness?

I'm learning to push myself out the door and just do what needs to be done without sitting around wishing I was someone else, somewhere else.

I'm handeling my on-the-fly Emotional Flashbacks better than ever.

I don't know if this is a permanent change for the better in my life, or if I'm just having a rallying moment where my trauma brain is giving me temporary boost of feeling good. Time will need to tell us whether this is a moment of progressive, irreversible healing, or a temporary vacation from my trauma responses. But for now, I'm happy to be feeling a little more in control while I allow myself to exist within the boundaries of reality. I'm not used to this. I usually live in fantasy land. Reality feels weird.

At this very moment I'm being texted by my wife and my son. Apparently my two grandsons, now 11 and 8, are positive for COVID. They tested positive yesterday and are both very sick and spending the whole day laying on the floor. So, new worry for me. But, again, this worry feels legitimate. Real. This isn't a Trauma-induced irrational fear of something that isn't as big a threat as I believe it is. My plan is to relocate to the city on Saturday, but if my little men need their Papa for any reason, I'm gassed up, packed, and ready to head for the city on a moment's notice.

[milkandhoney11]

PapaCoco,
it's great to hear that you are starting to feel a little bit better and perhaps more yourself. I love the analogy of the crayon and hope that this will be a permanent change for the better so that you can continue to feel grounded.
I hear you when you say that you are struggling a little to find the correct balance between loneliness and connection. I don't want to suggest that my situation is similar to yours, but I know the

horrific, deep, trauma-induced loneliness that comes from always feeling unwelcome on the earth, every second of my life, even while with friends and family.

I've felt like this many, many times and I often blame myself for being so dysfunctional and pathetic that nobody wants to spend any time with me (I have very little connection with family members or friends) but ever since I have been dismissed from my job a couple of weeks ago, I feel that I almost "need" the loneliness to breathe. It's hard to describe, but even though a big part of me is desperately longing for true human connection, I also feel like I need the time to process things and become more like myself before I start interacting with others again.

So, I'm not yet quite at the point where you are (feeling more energy, being able to complete projects, and planning on re-entering the outside world), but I admire your strength and hope that all will go well. I understand that it's not an easy step to move back to the city after such a long time but it sounds to me like you're ready and I certainly wish you the best of luck.

Also, fingers crossed your grandsons will be feeling better soon...

[paul72]

Just sending an encouraging "That's awesome" message your way.
Your detailed journaling is very helpful. You're doing real inspiring work, and I'm cheering you on.

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm glad you're feeling better about things. I hope it is the path to a "new you" but don't be hard on yourself if there are setbacks. It sounds like very positive steps in a new direction but I've learned the path is more like a circle than a straight line. I imagine it takes a while to adjust to the changes in your life over the past few years. Retirement, and early, unexpected retirement at that, is a big milestone and life change. It makes sense that you were feeling a bit lost in it.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Armee]

Hi Papa Coco.

Ups and downs, right? I hope your grandsons are ok and big hugs from me for the parts that are going well and the parts that are not. We got you, your wife has got you. You got your parts. Keep going. I can see how well you are doing given this isn't an easy time of year for your trauma. You are truly amazing and we are lucky to have you here with us. 

[Master of my sea]

Hey Papa Coco,

Huge well done for getting those shelves up! Definitely a win
It's so good to hear how well things seem to be going and I'm so pleased for you. I can almost feel the energy coming from your post

I agree that COVID has really opened up people's eyes to just how many people actually suffer with their mental health or even highlighted to some their own situations. All we had was time, time to think, remember and observe. Hopefully along with the awareness will come the lessening of the taboo and stigma that still surrounds mental health. There's a long way to go but hopefully we are on our way.

I hope your move back to the city goes well. Coming out of isolation is a journey in itself, I am sending you my support as you re-enter and re-adjust