Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[natureluvr]

Papa Coco, I resonate with your insight about not thinking so much, and allowing ourselves to be in a feeling state instead.  I know for me, deep recovery has come from allowing my inner child to feel and express her anger and hurt (in healthy ways of course) over what happened.  Cognition is a good thing, but I think in western culture we place too much emphasis on that, and not enough on emotions and feelings. 

[Armee]

 

[Papa Coco]

I love all the responses. Thank you so much for chiming in.

As I read them, I can see my own emotional pendulum swinging. I know you all understand this: I have different moods on different days. I feel healed for a while, then BAM! I crash and feel helpless and confused again for a while. I like learning about how to not overthink things. I still believe it's good advice. I see how it really helps...when it helps. For me, it's a lot easier said than done.

I still agree with what I wrote, but I know not to be too naive as to believe that I'll always feel this sure that overthinking is something to not do. In a few days, or weeks, or months, I will find myself deep in the bowels of overthinking and feeling the trauma again.



I don't know if this is a guy thing or what, but on some days I feel like I have all the answers. Then on other days I'm humbled and crushed again. The pendulum swings slower than it used to, but it still swings. Both realities are real. On some days I DO have all the answers. On other days I'm completely baffled at life.  I still remember that we here support each other for whomever we are on this day.


--
Today is a good day. I'm distracted by a hardworking house painter who is helping me clean up after 30 years of neglect on my house. He's working me hard. I've been trying to stay a step ahead of him. Yesterday I had to replace the rotted siding on one of the first-floor walls, move concrete chunks from the other side of the house, remove cameras and wall decorations, and tear down some old fence posts, etc. This kind of work keeps me distracted, which puts me in a GOOD mood. I may go into these projects whining, but I come out feeling good about myself and my accomplishments. Therefore, today, I have all the answers for how to not let myself overthink my life.

I've learned, the hard way, not to expect this to last too long. A day will come, when I am crushed by some event or person, and I'll fall back into my other self. That's okay. I've learned that even the confusing days don't last forever.

I am not trying to "mansplain" how overthinking relates to trauma to the world. I know that I sometimes do mansplain. I am sorry for that. As I age into becoming a kindly old grandpa I'm getting better at not doing it. I guess that for now, I'm just expressing what tidbit of intellectual knowledge I learned this day. Not overthinking is good advice. But it's easier said than done. Today I feel emotionally healthy and physically sore from all the hard work. I'm sleeping good because of the hard work. So today I feel like I have answers.

I've made this mistake so many times in the past that I've learned to recognize that I feel healed only because of the circumstances of the day.

I live very close to the ocean. I see ships of all kinds. There's one that sits in the entrance to the harbor near me that has been anchored there for a very long time. Some days it's facing East. Other days it's facing West. Obviously, it's facing whichever way the tide is pulling it. That's me. Today I'm facing the direction of a favorable tide. It's good for me to remember that tomorrow I might be facing an unfavorable tide, and that I shouldn't feel disappointed or even surprised when it happens.

In the past I'd fully embrace the good days and allow myself to believe I was fully cured. Then when I'd crash later, I'd become suicidal because I felt like at failure. Like I was suddenly fragile. Like all the good that happened was fake. But it wasn't. Good days are good days. Bad days don't negate the good ones. Recognizing that I have good days and bad relieves the pressure off me to keep feeling good no matter what. I used to set myself up for crashes. Now I allow myself to go with the tide. The difficult days don't feel so mortally wounding now. It's the changing tide of my emotions. Knowing that difficult days come and go make them not feel so disastrous.

So I still agree that overthinking is a problem. I also know that it's who I am and a day will come when I won't be able to stop overthinking everything again. That's okay. For now, I'm facing a favorable tide. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

Thanks everyone for being the friends I can say this kind of stuff to. It helps me a lot to disclose what I'm thinking on any given day and that I won't be criticized later for not putting my money where my mouth was when I was feeling good about myself.

[sanmagic7]

PC, it's not just a guy thing.  i can feel in the throes of a panic attack one day and the next day i'm ok, like i figured it out and it went away.  this is trauma we're talking about, and i don't think gender issues are involved.  i get stuck in overthinking, too.  like you said, that pendulum keeps swinging.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Trauma is a roller coaster. I often think I have it all figured out (in fact lol I was thinking this morning I might not even need therapy anymore).

I never ever think you are mansplaining and mansplaining is definitely a pet peeve of mine from being a quiet female in a STEM field. I think you are trying to figure things out and connect things and concepts and people. Seems like an engineering trait. 

The ups and downs are part of it. All guideposts toward where we are coming from and where we are trying to go. I love that you are constantly moving toward healing. It is inspiring. 

[Papa Coco]

San, Armee,

Thank you.

Armee, I laughed when I read your words that today you think you might be done with therapy. I laughed because I do that same thing whenever I'm on a high note.

I share a self esteem issue with a lot of C-PTSD survivors. After having been raised by jealous parents and jealous elder siblings, I've learned to not walk into a trap of letting myself feel self-confident. When I assert something, I later feel like I've overstepped my boundaries. I have brought this up before: the Tall Poppy Syndrome. In a field of poppies, every flower is the same height. If one grows taller than the rest, the farmer cuts it off. That's what my Catholic family and peers did. But they went a step further by cutting me down to below the level of the others. I wasn't welcome in the ranks of "normal" people.  They made sure that I knew that I was worthless and I needed to accept that.

So today when I bring up an idea, if people think it's a good idea, I go into a trauma generated panic. Oh God! The farmer's coming to cut me back down to below average again. I'd better voluntarily take my place before he comes. So I apologize. I rationalize. I make sure I don't even follow my own advice.

My religious upbringing was one of judgement, jealousy and gossip.  The most dangerous thing I could do in my church, school and family, was succeed at something. It brought the full wrath of their jealousy down upon me. Being humiliated for being sure of myself is engrained deeply into my psyche.

I expect that what I say is resonating with others who also have C-PTSD from being raised in jealous, judgmental narcissistic environments.  We were the good kids, so we were the chum for the bad teachers. The easy targets for bullying and making us feel bad so they could feel better about themselves.

Here, on the forum, I feel safer than anywhere else, but as you both said; trauma is trauma, and it plays out in us often.

[sanmagic7]

hey, PC,

the tall poppy syndrome.  interesting.  i can see that in my own life, especially pertaining to my spirit.  too spirited was i, let's always repress her back into our way of seeing the world, and how we believe she should think, act, and behave.  ugly stuff, and, yes, very stunting.  no wonder my longing to be free is so overwhelming.  thanks for this, PC.  it brought up stuff i didn't even realize.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

You are such an amazing person and I just wonder what would have been if they hadn't been cutting you down that whole time.

I do the same thing to myself of backtracking and panicking if people like something I say or do. Go into that trauma-generated panic as you put it. The source of the behavior is a little different but the outcome is the same. There was so much doubt and fear in our lives.

[Papa Coco]

When I left my Union job on the factory floor and transitioned into a white-collar job in engineering training, I learned that I had left a community of workers who felt trapped in their jobs. I entered a community of career-minded people who loved their jobs. Engineers want to be engineers. Factory workers only want a paycheck. I had to go through a paradigm shift because in the world of workers who felt controlled by their bosses, I left a community of jealous people who strived to bring each other down to the level of the lowest common denominator. The first thing anyone wanted to know about me was what kind of car I drove and how big was my house. From there, they'd judge each other as to who was having the best time with their money, and from there they had the ability to bully each other.  If I ever tried to take my employers offer of free college education, my peers would call me a kiss-a$$ who thought I was better than them.

My big culture shock was that in the engineering community, nobody cared what I drove or where i lived, and they ENCOURAGED me to rise above my situation and to take advantage of the college reimbursement program. 

My lesson: People who feel bad about themselves, or feel they don't have control over their own lives, often take their own self-hatred out on those around them.  That's what my family and peers did. People who feel like they have some say in their lives, and take accountability for their actions or circumstances, are better at encouraging those around them to do teh same. To find their bliss and take control of their own lives.

I just see a correlation between the angry union workers and my parents and my religiously oppressed peers.

[sanmagic7]

a lesson well learned, PC, and so very true.  the self-hating bullies in our lives turned their anger/frustration/pain onto us, while people here who have also been bullied, threatened, abused, etc. and wound up hating themselves turned it on themselves.  i don't know why this happens, why some turn it outward while others turn it inward.  what i do know is the bullies had as many chances as we did to do the right thing toward others. love and hugs 

[Papa Coco]

Recovery Journal Entry for July 5, 2023

I've been distracted by chores and busy-ness for over a month. It's been wonderful. I felt like I was alive and purposeful. My moods have been steady and positive all night and all day.

But distractions are temporary and I'm starting to find myself alone with...me...again.

The hard work for this year is winding down and I'm, once again, faced with the boredom of being me.

I have a theory that who we are at 14 is who we are for life. At 14 I was lonely and quiet. Afraid of my family at home and of my classmates at school. The only safe place was anywhere I could be alone. I had a few friends in the neighborhood but none at school. Even after 63 years I still don't understand the body I was born with. It walks funny. It talks funny. It laughs funny. It moves and sits funny. No matter what I do in athletics people snicker and laugh at me for how uncoordinated I am and how strangely my body moves. As soon as I sense them judging me I get worse. I dissociate just enough to where I move even funnier and get even more uncoordinated. Even my own nasty family used to remind me that my nose was too big, my teeth were too crooked, and I talked funny. All things I couldn't fix or change or even understand. So, at 14, I fantasized all day and all night about being someone else. My own personality and physical body was flawed from birth.

So I learned, at 14, that the only time I could feel safe from ridicule is if I did all my activities alone. If I hid my own inadequacies then I wouldn't have to endure being laughed at for being what god made me to be. I rode my bike alone. I wandered shopping malls alone. I played with small cars on the fireplace mantel alone. I built models alone in my bedroom.  Today, almost 50 years later, I still feel safer doing activities alone. A huge part of my brain is still 14 and is still finding safety in doing my daily activities alone. No one laughs at how I walk or throw or catch or bat or run or fall if no one is here to watch me.

This is why I'm lonely all the time. I am social by nature, but beaten into solitude by a cruel world and a strange body I can't seem to control as well as others control theirs.

Decades ago I read a book on trauma where the author compared childhood trauma to a puppy who is fed in a bowl, but when he tries to eat, his humans beat him. They traumatize the dog for life. for the rest of its life it wants food and is afraid to eat.  That's how I feel about socialization. I like being with friends, but I'm afraid I'm being laughed at the whole time I'm with them. So I want friends, but I'm afraid to spend time with them. Like the puppy, I live in this conundrum.


It's morning now and I just got my first cup of coffee. But yesterday was a tough day and I'm worried today will only be worse.  I'm still healthy and still have my mind, so I should be out in the world having fun and enjoying social interactions and hiking and biking and kayaking, but no matter what I do, it ends up being lonely. As soon as my work distractions wane away, life starts to again taste like ashes in my mouth.

Yesterday I started internet searches on suicide hotlines. Not that I'm at that point yet, but I keep wondering if there is anyone out there in this crowded planet who knows how to help me get past this sense of not being able to enjoy life.

I purposely make sure I'm alone, and then I suffer in loneliness. This is insanity, right? I could make friends and join clubs. But I don't. Because as soon as I have to keep up with other kayakers or bikers or Jeepers, I start to feel scared and start to look for ways to hide or leave early. I start to assume that they don't really want me there, but they let me join because they felt like they had to. So why bother joining groups if I already know the group experience is going to intimidate me into leaving alone anyway?

I create my own loneliness. I can't stop doing it. I need to either find ways to enjoy being alone, or to stop being so afraid of judgement when I'm with others.

This is getting old. I can only do so much yard work before the yard is done, the money is gone and the weather has turned too hot or too cold to continue outdoor activities. That means that for most of the year I'm sitting around wishing I had a purpose and refusing to go out and find it. It sucks to be social and anti-social in the same body on the same days. It's confusing. It's frustrating. That puppy wants food but is afraid to eat it. I want socialization but am afraid it'll backfire on me.

So I sit in safety rather than risk being laughed at and insulted for being who I am.

Trauma: The gift that keeps on giving for a lifetime.

[Armee]

 

I wish I could go kayaking with you. We could be awkward together and enjoy our crazy dissociated movements. I relate to all you wrote, feel the same. Glad to have you here.

[Papa Coco]

Armee

I am smiling ear to ear at your comment that it would be fun to go kayaking together. Being awkward together. It sounds like fun, fun, fun. A picnic lunch, a couple of kayaks, and a day to just goof off with a safe friend.

You gave me my first smile of the day.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know if that link will work at all, but it is the first post at the top of the second page of the thread Songs That Connect us to our Trauma/Feelings. Bermuda posted it some days ago and your post made me think of it for some reason.

Thank you for sharing your theory about us being who we are at 14. I am going to sit with that a while because it resonates hugely with me.

I'm sorry you are starting to feel down again. I'd like to go kayaking with you, too. But you for sure don't want to go kayaking with me. Not in the same boat, at any rate. I used to do dinghy sailing with my grandfather and then we had an opportunity to do it at school. I remember the teacher complaining to my parents that I was the only girl in the history of the school who had managed to capsize a dinghy with the teacher in it. Hah! Even in separate boats I would probably manage to crash into you. 

Maybe one day some of us from here can actually meet in person and have fun. You never know.

 

[Papa Coco]

Thank you for the link Narkciddo,

That's a great song. You met me when I thought I was an alien. Such a great way of describing ourselves.